I just wanted to believe

Back-from-wherever-post 3/8

Summary: (I just wanted to believe) I bring out all those sides of you. Peter, Olivia, and everything he stirs in her. OneShot.

Warning: set in the middle of S03, though I have no idea which episode it is. I'm sure, though, readers will immediately know which one is hinted at oh-so-subtly. Companion-piece to a OneShot that will be posted next week or so.

Set: see warning

Disclaimer: No copyright inFringement intended.

Looking at Peter hurts like hell, which is why Olivia tries not to do so when she talks to him.

Walking while talking is good.

It gives her a reason to look straight ahead. Away from him, not at him. His glimmer blinds her, too, but that is only one part of it. The other part is that every look at him reminds her that, at some point, she has touched him, has felt him, but it hasn't been her and it hasn't been her who was touched in return. Smiled at in return. His bright smile has diminished, as well, even if his glimmer still is blinding. But the smile she remembers from Over There, the smile he gave her when she came for him, the smile that has somehow brought her through the events on the other side has changed, and she cannot help but think that he has given her the smile and everything else she craves so much. And fears, at the same time.

I just wanted to believe I bring out all those sides in you.

She is forced to look at him when he says those words. And, even worse: she looks up at him, and she sees the lie in his eyes. It is not exactly a lie because he believes it himself but it is a lie because he is unsure and torn. Olivia does not need Simon to tell her the truth. But she needs the neat, short line on the folded sheet to accept that she has been trying to fool herself, which is something she cannot forgive. And which, as she slowly comes to realize, is one of the things Peter has mentioned. He has talked of the changes he detected in her, the differences between her and the other Olivia. All the things she has and Olivia hasn't. He meant all she was lacking – the laughter, the humor, the easy-goingness, everything Olivia has seen in other people, never in herself, and everything she had always silently envied. Looking at Peter, her shattered heart that loves him aside, is like looking into a mirror and seeing everything she always wanted to be but never was able to. And, added up to the pain of I lost him before I ever had him, it hurts a damn lot.

The worst of it is that he is right.

Peter brings out all those sides in her. All those traits people rarely see in her, rarely even expect to see in her. But they are her bad sides, the dark ones. The ones nobody wants to accept in oneself, nobody wants to be attributed with. The sides everybody tries to hide. Olivia never had any illusions about her character's weaknesses but it is now that she notices each and every single one of her faults. And the pain is mixed with satisfaction – a mean, lower instinct of hers that puts all the blame on Peter. For a time (in darkness, cold and loneliness) he was her world and even now, he still is. But it is a dark, twisted world now, and she realizes it anew every day.

Peter awakens her jealousy.

Olivia looks at him and sees her, and dark jealousy rises every time she does so. Her mark is left all over him: in his eyes, dark with shame and longing. In his forced smile whenever he looks at her. And in the uneasiness with which he moves around her, a certain distance he does not close. A dark thorn buries itself into her heart, deeper and deeper, and as days pass thorns are added. She is jealous of every woman that talks to him and receives one of his smiles in return, even of Astrid. She is jealous of every man whom he jokes with easily, works with easily. She is even jealous of Walter, because Walter, if nothing, is the recipient of Peter's annoyance. And, besides, he is related to Walter even if it is a non-blood way and, therefore, is a part of him. Something she never will be. But worst of all is the jealousy she feels towards her other self. It might be the most rational feeling right now but even if it is, she hates herself for it. She hates herself for every time she catches herself wanting him only for herself, for wishing she was the only one he looked at, the only one he smiled at. She hates herself for the irrational urge to throttle every woman in his immediate environment. And she hates herself for the wish everyone except for Peter and herself would simply disappear.

Peter awakens her spite.

Of course, at some points in her life Olivia has been spiteful before, especially as a child. But there is a difference between childish behavior and the feelings of a grown woman and plus, she always prided herself of being able to admire a person for her qualities without feeling guile towards her. This ability, so it seems, has been left Over There, maybe with Charlie and Linc and with all her dreams, hopes and wishes. And maybe she left her love for Peter Over There, as well, because she is not sure a loving person should feel satisfaction when seeing loved ones suffer. Everybody sees Peter's internal and external fights. He fights his instincts, his feelings and his beliefs at the same time and it shows clearly on his face. And a stab of glee is added to the thorns of jealousy. She has suffered so much while he enjoyed his time with her mirror image – so it is only fair if he suffers now as well, isn't it? He deserves all the insecurities for not noticing she was gone, all the guilt for starting a relationship with her, and all the pain and remorse he feels now for still loving her while Olivia is right next to him. He deserves it for smiling at her and not searching for her, for giving everything that was supposed to be hers to the other Olivia. And even more for not being able to let go. This, probably, is the worst Olivia blames him for: for being unable to forget.

Peter awakens her greed.

Every word he directs at her, every glance in her direction – she sucks it up like a dying plant swallows up water. She wants to record all his words, tape all his looks and gestures on video so she can look at them, hear them, again and again. You look beautiful. If there was a way to preserve scents, she would do so, keep the smell of rain on his worn and battered coat, the scent of his aftershave, the smell of peppermint on his breath. If there was a way to take pictures with her mind she would fill books with his expressions that are so familiar to her and yet change every passing second. She wants to collect it all, in neat little boxes and clean bottles, carefully labeled and stacked. She wants him to look at her, at her alone and at no one else. She wants to be the only one he directs his smile at, the only one he looks at, the only one he laughs with (but she isn't the one who laughs a lot, isn't she). But in every move of his she sees her twin from the other side. And every time greed rears its ugly head, wanting to claim him for her alone. The logic behind it is as simple as it is faulty: she saved him, so he belongs to her. And, while knowing it is utterly wrong, she still wants him that way.

Olivia does not want all those things. She does not want to be greedy or jealous or spiteful. But she cannot help it. Peter brings out all her worst sides and though she loves him she hates him for it. He still has feelings for her. Of course he has. He wouldn't be Peter if he could just forget her and his steadfastness is one of the things she loves him for.

But, at the same time, cannot forgive.