A/N: Birthday fic for the wonderful tenaciouscorpse. Based on a prompt she sent one of our mutual friends, LeCheesie. I loved the prompt so much I wrote my own version. Almost forgot to share it here! Woops. Title from the While She Sleeps song with the same name.
Silence Speaks
Yuri remembers the singular, perfect moment in reverence. Like an antique at his grandfather's house; meant to be handled with care, rarely touched, seldom looked at. It was the first moment he ever experienced true silence, when the constant thrum of silent voices had died out like someone had turned down the volume. It was a peace he had never known. It unnerved and thrilled him. It was one time, one hour, one ballet class.
He had hoped when he went back to the next session it would happen again.
It didn't.
######
Yuri forgets a lot of things when he's in public. When the walls of his tiny apartment muffle everything long enough, he can sit down and write lists, make plans. He always has an out, if he needs it, but he's Yuri Plisetsky and he doesn't back down from a challenge. But when he's outside the walls, everything is so loud.
He'd tried to explain it to Mama once, but she thought he just had an attention problem. He has that, but it's more than that. It's that he doesn't have to see the disappointment in her eyes, he can hear it between them. She sounds the same, but tired, and so so soft. He only ever hears her because she's standing close to him. I wish I hadn't… Is a popular thought in her mind. She has lots of regrets and Yuri reads them until he's either overwhelmed or they blend in with the crowd and he lets them go.
Eventually, she tires of him being the way he is and she leaves him at his grandfather's front porch. He lives at the edge of town, surrounded by elderly and their quiet thoughts. Yuri sits on the front porch and listens, a lot. He gets to know the neighbors that way. Sometimes, a familiar voice stops and never starts again. He figures that's just how it goes. You're made of noise, and then you aren't.
######
Viktor is nothing like the persona he builds for the public. He's loud and opinionated. He lacks a filter, so Yuri always knows exactly what's going to come out of his mouth before he says it. He idolized him until he met him, and then those dreamy ideals floated away the moment he thought, I think we need to do some family bonding! And then followed it with, "I think we need family bonding time!" as he clasped his hands and looked out at the other skaters in the room. Yuri wanted to go back to his new apartment.
Viktor is nothing like his persona and Yuri knows. He wasn't sure why he tolerated him until he caught Viktor in a park one chilly day. I'm lonely. He heard, projected loudly but thought so quietly. Yuri hid behind the fence pillar and watched him, but he didn't move, and the same thought circled the air around him. It started to snow and Yuri was sure he could hear the words settle over the older skater like a blanket.
He stepped back, then ran home.
######
He meets Yuuri Katsuki at his second Junior Worlds gold medal. He's seen him before, but this is the first time he introduces himself. Of course, he's angry and he terrifies the other with his anger. He thinks it's the amount of noise that comes from one person's head.
He watches Yuuri Katsuki at the banquet. After the disappointment that was Viktor, he'd followed the Japanese man's career instead. He knows now that the saying is true, never meet your heroes. At the banquet Yuuri's noise filters out, becomes watered-down with each glass of alcohol he throws back. Yuri wants to be amused, but he's also horrified because he can hear Viktor, Who is that? He's beautiful.
Yuri gets dragged into a dance-off, (which he is winning) but Chris shows up and starts stripping down and Katsuki has way too much liquor and there's almost no noise coming from him other than Should I lose the underwear? It's hot. And that is Yuri's queue to leave.
######
He pretends he can get the silence he barely remembers with noise-cancelling headphones. They drown sounds, but they don't completely block everything. The mom and her baby in the airplane seat behind him, the business man writing up the presentation that is going to make him rich or get him fired next to him, Yakov switching between silently cursing Viktor and debating Male Pattern Baldness. It dims it all, and Yuri has learned that's as quiet as he can get when he's not at home.
Sometimes, he remembers that day. That hour. And he wonders what was different. Was it a fluke of some sort? He had tried to repeat everything he had done before multiple times, but he'd never been able to repeat it. The hollow silence of a world without thought, the sound of cars on the street below and listening to instructions without having to fight to hear over other children's scattered thoughts.
Maybe it hadn't really happened. He'd been young, he could have imagined or dreamed the whole thing. But deep down, it tears at him. He knows, he knows. And it makes him want to experience it again. To be wholly by himself. To be himself and his own thoughts, not buried under the pile of noise. To remember without lists, and to focus on things he's never noticed.
It's been a long time since Yuri's felt like a whole being. To be surrounded with everyone's secrets is a burden, and that's all Yuri thinks he is, so maybe he is just secret thoughts that haven't escaped.
The world changed at his first Senior Grand Prix.
######
JJ is talking when Yuri notices. He's not really sure how he notices, because JJ is so loud and there's a lot of other skaters talking, too. But it's there, and it makes him freeze. JJ's talking to someone else and it draws his attention.
Otabek Altin of Kazakhstan.
His eyes widen when he realizes he can't hear the newcomer. He can't hear anyone. There's the sound of fans screaming outside, and skaters talking happily to one another, and Yakov fighting with someone. But he can't hear anything else. And then he realizes Otabek is looking at him and he reflexes into defense-mode.
"What are you looking at, asshole?"
######
Güell Park is beautiful, and the tourists are leaving as he follows Otabek up and leans on the wall to watch the sun sink. Yuri doesn't know what to do. He knows Otabek must have thoughts, but Yuri can't read them. At the moment, he can't read anyone and it's wonderful.
It gives him enough courage to accept when Otabek offers him friendship.
######
Otabek takes the silence with him. Yuri learns to deal with it, even with the thought that it isn't fair. He can't read Otabek over the phone or through computer screens. It's frustrating, but he supposes it's to be expected. It's not the same as being together in person, but it makes it easier for him to pretend there's silence again. It makes the distance not seem so large.
It's raining hard and his neighbors are yelling when Otabek shares a story about his little sister experimenting with eyeliner on Otabek's face. Yuri doesn't need to hear thoughts to see how much Otabek loves his family. He knows it in the stories and he sees it in his smile.
When he laughs and says, "Oh my god, Beka." he's never seen the expression that crosses Otabek's face. He realizes he's never called him that before and he opens his mouth to apologize.
Otabek's face lights up in a new way and Yuri realizes at that moment. Otabek was his first friend, but it's a building block in their foundation. They are so much more than friends, he calls them best friends, but he knows it's still not right. The new expression on his face crashes Yuri hard into reality. He's in love with the man on his computer screen, 4600 kilometers away.
######
He's 18 at his third Grand Prix Final and he takes Silver. It stings, but Katsudon deserves to stand at the top of the podium. Otabek being on the far side doesn't hurt, and the auditorium is filled with happy noises that don't threaten to overwhelm him. He likes the silences Otabek brings with him.
When they step down to head for the locker room, Otabek nudges his shoulder. Yuri grins and stabs his elbow into Otabek's side, enjoys hearing the "oof" that escapes. He fights off a blush when Otabek's breath tickles his cheek and he hears, "I rented a bike."
Otabek is his escape, the bike is just a bonus.
######
They're looking down at the city from above, leaning on their helmets against an observation wall, the bike silent in the darkness behind them. Yuri wonders if he would hear everyone from up here if Otabek didn't mute everything, and then he's glad he doesn't have to find out. He likes that they don't have to say anything, that they can just be together. When he glances at him, smile at the corner of his lips, he freezes. Otabek is beautiful, with the golden city lights illuminating him. It makes his heart stutter, then pump at double time.
Otabek must sense his gaze, because he turns and opens his mouth to say something.
Yuri leans into the warmth and kisses him.
######
Otabek kisses him for the first time the next day. Yuri wants to be annoyed, because they're in an airport. Saying Good-bye. It has been tense and awkward, but Otabek knows how to kiss and destroys all the other feelings hovering between them. When he pulls back, his hand is warm on the back of Yuri's neck, and he smiles at him. Like the world hadn't just completely shifted. Like Otabek hadn't just broken him down and built him back up.
Yuri blinks and Otabek releases him.
When Otabek walks down the concourse, the silence stays with Yuri and follows him home.
######
Katsudon had tried to understand, once. Had been surprised when Yuri would prove his 'talent' by reading him. Had been amused when Yuri had done Viktor next. Yuri figured that'd be as close as he'd ever get to someone believing him.
When he sinks into the couch in their living room, Makkachin climbs onto his lap and drools all over his designer jeans. Katsudon sits beside him and hands him a glass of iced tea that he lets sweat into the dog's fur. It's too hot for the mutt to be on him, but he honestly doesn't mind the company.
He tells Katsudon about Otabek. About the noise and Otabek's ability to mute it. About the kisses. About the sudden silence that follows him.
Katsudon just grins at him and sits back, throwing his arm on the back of the couch, "Don't you know, Yurio?" Fuck, he hates that name, but he's too distracted by the matter-of-fact look on the other's face to protest it. The grin takes on a cheshire cat look and Katsudon leans closer to him and says simply,
"Love is blind."