Author's Note: NO, SOMEONE KILL ME NOW. I CAN'T STOP WRITING CRACK. I apologise for my entire existence. Sob.

Warnings: Vast quantities of swearing, loads of sexual innuendo from lame people (aka the one and only, me).

Green sits down at the computer and hopes Arceus will strike him down with a bolt of lightning. He reminds himself never, ever to bet five thousand Pokedollars in a game of truth or dare with Blue ever again. Cursing her family and her future children forever, he opens up a Microsoft Word document and cracks his knuckles. So, Blue dared him to write slash fanfic? Yeah, and? It isn't a big deal. He can do this.

Oh, God. He can't do this.

He really can't do this.

He contemplates bolting for a second, but Blue, the damn mind-reader, walks in and crosses her arms.

"I know that look, Oak. Don't you dare pussy out now."

He's so fucked.

So, it's been about three hours and twenty cups of coffee, and Green still has nothing. Well, it isn't like he's particularly experienced in fanfic writing anyway, but he expected to have at least come up with an actual, solid idea. He doesn't even know who he's supposed to be writing about. So, as any clueless person who wants to be trained in the art of creepy fangirling would, he goes to Blue. She's the master of all things generally disturbing. Luckily, Blue is literally spying on him in the kitchen right now, so all he has to do is yell at her.

"BLUE! GET YOUR ASS OVER HERE! I NEED... ASSISTANCE. SOMEWHAT."

Blue marches through the doorway, all the while looking very smug, drags a chair up next to Green's computer, and sits down. She cracks her knuckles and breathes in. Green prepares for hell.

"You should write it about yourself."

Green unfortunately chokes on his perfectly-prepared coffee. "I should WHAT?"

Blue shrugs as casually as you can in a scenario where you have literally suggested someone write porn starring themselves. "I mean, like, you're not familiar enough with the ins and outs of characters in popular television, but you are familiar with yourself, uhm, hopefully. So, why not write one with you in it?"

Green doesn't like that explanation at all. "You've been planning this all along, haven't you? You know what, fuck it. Don't even answer that question, because I'd really prefer not to know."

"Yeah, whatever, Green. You have to do this whether you like it or not, anyway. So, what do you say?"

Green makes a funny face. "I'm not dissing my unending beauty, but who would I even," he cringes, "pair myself with?"

Blue considers this. Green interrupts her, partly because he doesn't want to know, and partly because he has important points to make.

"One, nobody I know even deserves the honour of being written into erotica which I star in. Two, it's kind of creepy. How would you feel if you found out you were in some kind of porno with me?"

Blue's face is kind of deeply traumatising at this point.

"Never-the-fuck-mind that question. I never asked that. It was rhetorical. Shut up."

Blue ignores him.

"No smartass ideas, then?"

"Oh! I know! Why don't you write about you and Red?" she offers, face lighting up.

Green, for the second time that day, chokes on his coffee.

"Wh-wh... H-HOW?! How did you even come up with that idea?"

Blue doesn't say anything, she just looks incredibly pleased with herself.

"This, this idea right here, is upsetting the peace in my mind right now. You have upset the peace in my mind. Congratulations." Green shudders.

"So, you'll do it then? You like uncomfortable and generally unpleasant things. They're like your forte," Blue says simply, as if Green's inevitably going to agree with the stupidest thing that's ever come out of her mouth.

Then again, he is the master of making people incredibly uncomfortable, and if he has the perfect opportunity to one-up Red and make him feel insanely awkward, there's no way he can possibly turn that down.

So, yeah, maybe Blue knows him a little too well.

"Fine, fine. I'll do it."

Blue jumps up and knocks the chair over in the process. "YES! YES! YES! I'm going to have to go tell Lyra and everything and Crys can finally post on Tumblr about it being canon and..."

Green, luckily enough, has spent enough time around Blue (and Tumblr) to understand "shipping" and "canon", which means he understands at least somewhat vaguely just what Blue is trying to say. And what she's trying to say is good news only for Blue and the others.

"You SHIP me with Red? YOU ACTUALLY SHIP ME WITH RED?"

Blue, unfazed, replies, "Yeah. You're pretty gay for each other."

Green cannot compute.

"Anyway," Blue continues, "we should get to writing."

Green's too broken to refuse.

Blue has successfully commandeered Green's entire computing system.

No, really, apparently Green is so completely useless at writing fanfiction that Blue decided to write it for him. He even tried to protest that he was the one that lost the bet, but Blue was insistent.

So, now Green's sitting next to her like a good little apprentice and learning "the ways of the fic masters".

It's not really all that entertaining, if he's honest.

"Look, you've got to get everyone's personality down. You two wouldn't just wake up one day and say 'Hey! Let's fuck!', now would you? No, Red doesn't even talk to you. Nice try, but there's no getting out of this quickly."

Green just stares blankly.

"Well, don't you see? Writing fics is a serious and time-consuming process!" she reprimands.

Green continues to stare blankly.

"Okay, think of it this way, in your mind's eye, see yourself attempting to proposition Red, which, eventually, you will, but-"

"What was that?" Green snaps.

"Nothing, nothing." Blue waves her hand dismissively. "Anyway, imagine propositioning Red. You wouldn't do it outright, would you? There has to be a slow burn."

Green makes a gagging noise. "You sound like some disgusting romance novelist. I don't give a shit about wining and dining, if I were to bang Red, I would bang Red. I don't need to woo someone first when they're already all over me."

"More like if Red were going to bang you," Blue hisses under her breath.

"You seem to be whispering a lot of suspicious things today, Blue."

"It's nothing, sweetcheeks. Nothing at all."

Green gives her a calculating look, pushes her out of the way to retake command of the keyboard, and begins to type.

He manages to type Red. Then he deletes everything.

"Two things: Is this an AU and who's bottom?"

It's Blue's turn to spit out the coffee.

"Well?"

"I cannot fathom how you know these terms, Green, if you so stubbornly persist that you've never visited Tumblr in all of your 'glorious' eighteen years," says Blue with an unpleasantly self-satisfied tone.

Green puts on his signature smirk. "Perhaps I'm not as innocent as I may seem."

Blue snorts. "Trust me, you don't seem innocent. Now type."

"Hey, impatient! You didn't answer my question!"

"It can be in whatever setting or universe you want, but you're so the uke."

"The... what?"

Again, under her breath, Blue whispers, "And Red's your strong seme."

"He's what?! Red's my what?!"

"Quick, quick! Get typing! There's no time to lose!"

Green gives up trying to solve the anomaly that is Blue and her enigmatic ways and attempts the undertaking of his life.

Green knows that if he doesn't make Red tops, Blue will literally smash his face in. She's a force to reckon with. The problem is, he can't seem to write more than three sentences without blushing and turning into some kind of schoolgirl. It's getting insanely frustrating, and chances are, Blue's gonna smash his face in whether Red's figuratively fucking him into a wall or not.

He never knew writing porn could be so difficult.

"Green, god dammit, I will hit you, I swear! You've written ONE PARAGRAPH of lemon, not an entire fucking novel. You should not be this bashful yet!" Blue slams her fists down on the desk and some coffee spills down the side of Green's favourite mug.

"Blue, you're going to stain that! Red gave that to me for Christmas as an apology present after he beat my ass down in the championships, so it's precious." Green snatches the mug away from her prying hands and sets it down on the other side of the desk. "Please, control your downright terrifying levels of... intensity around the valuables."

Blue humphs and crosses her arms. "It's your fault for being a ten-year-old blushing virgin. All we're trying to do is get you to write a oneshot, okay? A single oneshot, Green. Wow, what a challenge."

"This shit is rated, like, NC-17! I can't handle this! Oh God, and when you inevitably post this on Tumblr and Red sees it was written by the one and only Green Oak, I am so fucked."

"Literally?"

"No, you dipshit! You think Red's going to get all hot and bothered by my TERRIBLY-WRITTEN ONESHOT SLASH FIC?!"

"Awww, Green, don't get so upset! Your fanfiction is wonderful, and I'm sure Red will find it really sweet, honey. I know Lyra would drop her panties in a second if I wrote her a oneshot," Blue offers.

"Hot."

"Shut up, Oak."

"Shutting up!" Green raises his hands in surrender.

"Now type the god damn fic, man! Make your family proud to be the Oaks!"

"Real inspiring, Blue. You could be a professional motivational speaker."

Green slowly lowers his fingers onto the keyboard. He can do this.

He can totally do this.

Green fumbles for Red's zipper and tentatively UNLEASHES HIS RAZOR COCK WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT ME TO WRITE BLUE

Blue is really tempted to punch Green in the face right now.

"Can't you write three words without freaking out and stopping? I'm serious, bro, you've just got to do it."

Green sighs and tries again.

As he's slammed up against the wall, Green can feel the hard length of Red's-

Red chooses that moment to walk straight into Blue and Green's fanfiction headquarters.

Green has never ALT+TAB'd out of a window so fast. Not even when Red had almost caught him looking at his top secret stash of doujinshi.

"Uh, h-hey, Red. What's up? How you been doin', my man?"

Red barrels straight past him and opens up the Microsoft Word window. The sneaky bastard.

Oh, and to think his last day on Earth will have been spent writing a slash fic. Damn, it really is too bad that RED'S GOING TO FUCKING MURDER HIM IN COLD BLOOD.

There's (incredibly) nervous laughter from both fanfiction-writing parties, and Green decides then and there to get the hell out of dodge. Tearing open the window, Green jumps out and screams, "Smell you later, fuckers! I'm out!"

It is an awesome exit, even if he does say so himself.

Too bad Red FUCKING FOLLOWS HIM. It is similarly too bad that Red has probably had an Abra personally train him in the art of Teleport, since he's faster than any person or Pokemon in all of Kanto.

Green is no match for Red's insane running skills, so he decides to plant his feet firmly on the ground and face the music, even if it kills him. Which it probably will.

Red slows to a stop next to him and fixes poor Green with his usual emotionless stare, which, what the fuck? It's kind of creepy.

"Uhm, so, you see... Blue did it. Blue wrote all of that and I was just there to... observe. You know, so she didn't fuck up the infinite complexity of my girth."

Red doesn't look particularly convinced. "Then you weren't writing hot, steamy fanfiction starring me and 'your girth'?"

"Errr, no. Not at all!" More nervous laughter. "I don't know how you could have come up with that idea. That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard!"

"So, you're not interested, then?" Red continues.

"No, of course not! W-wait, what?" Green stammers... like an idiot. "I mean, no! No way! I don't like dick, thank you very much. Plus, if I were to like men, you are so not my type."

Smooth, Green, smooth, he thinks. Red will never guess now, dumbass.

"Your doujinshi collection would convince me otherwise."

Green opens and closes his mouth a few times, but nothing comes out. Just as he's about to finally manage to make a witty retort, Red leans in and kisses him.

Green's too busy with Red's tongue in his mouth to notice a certain someone in a bush with a camera a few metres away.

"When Lyra witnesses the sheer awesomeness that is my matchmaking prowess, she won't be able to help but throw herself at me!" Blue gushes at nobody in particular.

A Spearow caws from a nearby tree in congratulations, and Blue hears some frankly embarrassing moaning.

"Ohhhh, I'm so getting laid tonight!" she squeals.

FIN.