Hey everyone! Thanks for checking out my first SSB fic. :D

Disclaimer: I don't own any of these characters. In fact, I don't own anything except for my socks.

Rating: M for Mature (sexual content, language, drug and alcohol use, violence)

Warning: Just to be clear, this first chapter is relatively tame, but there is going to be a lot of sex and depravity in the following installments of what I hope to be a long-running story.

The Players (in order of importance, subject to change): Male Villager, Link, Mega Man, Peach, Samus, Zelda, Pac-Man, Fox, Falco, Ness, Ike, Luigi, Mario, Ganondorf, Pikachu, Ash and Red, Palutena, Pit, Sonic, Bowser, Rosalina, Snake, Olimar, Female Villager, Little Mac, Dedede, Kirby, Mr. Game and Watch, Marth, Wario, Greninja, Ice Climbers

Chapter One
Welcome to the Jungle

It's funny how these things happen. One moment, you're killing time and stocking up on Bells by fishing for barred knifejaws on Tortimer Island. The next, a giant hand comes rushing out from the sky and picks you up. Your memory goes blank, and you forget your name, your birthday, and even the very existence of your friends and family.

When you next return to consciousness, you're in an arena, battling to the pain with multiple versions of yourself. With nary a word of introduction or even the slightest bit of instruction, the announcer declares, "There can be only one!"

There's no escape, either. We're stuck on a two-dimensional plane, and a timer counts down the seconds. Five minutes. Two minutes.

Balloons are popped. Faces bashed in. Like ragdolls, we fly across the enclosed arena. It is pure chaos. The others fall, slowly but surely, until the last one is bested by a tumbling tree.

There's nothing but throbbing in your head when the announcer exclaims, "GAME!"

And then it happens again. And again. Countless times. The same old song and dance, only everything's changing and you're growing comfortably numb.

And then you find yourself on the midnight train going anywhere.

That's the full-on truth of it: it's all I can remember, and none of it too clearly. The whole damn thing could be a dream for all I know.

"How's it hangin', stranger?"

The Male Villager snapped from his daze and traded blank stares with the man opposite him on the train car. He was the only other person within a fifteen-foot radius. There was no one else he could have been talking to.

"Wait. Sorry. Where am I?"

"Let me guess. You remember your name and some vague stuff, but no memories to speak of, except for some Glover-lookin' motherfucker in the sky and some lame-ass fights with doppelgangers?"

"How did you-"

"It's the same story all across the board. Disoriented? Have a sip of my Energy Tank."

The Villager took a long look at the pulsing electric capsule and politely declined.

His companion shrugged. "Apparently we're on our way to some place called the Smashgrounds. I'm assuming you got an invite, too."

The Villager checked his pockets. Sure enough, there was an envelope with some sort of invitation to an exclusive tournament.

A tournament? For what? I'm a lover, not a fighter.

"So, you a boy, or a girl?"

"Huh. What do I look like to you?" he asked.

"A badly proportioned human." Clad in a suit of blue armor, the metallic fellow was of about the same height as the Villager, a seeming rarity in this land of generally taller and slimmer people. "Ya ain't nothin' like me, I'll tell ya that."

"Well, I'm of the male gender by origin, but I consider myself a pansexual."

"I'm sorry?"

"It's kinda like bisexual, except I don't believe that one's birth gender should define one's sexuality."

"Oh. So you're, like, into trannies and stuff?"

"Um, yes. I basically don't have a preference between biolog-"

"How 'bout furries?"

The Villager stole a glance over the way towards where a familiar yellow dog had poked her head out of the train window, tongue flapping in the wind. The scene got him rather excited.

"Well, now that you mention it…"

"Ah! Do tell!" another voice sounded out from down the aisle. A head popped up from behind a chair to reveal a bubbly female with the same proportions as our Villager. Her giant head was just the right shape, without any odd protrusions or bulges, and her huge eyes were spaced at perfect distance from one another.

The man's heart skipped a beat. "H-hello there."

"How about robot animals?" Mega Man grumbled, interrupting the guy's fantasizing.

"Um. I… haven't really thought about it?"

"Good. I don't generally like saying this kinda shit, so I'll only tell you once. Stay away from Rush."

"Rush?"

A rogue-colored robotic dog sprung out from underneath Mega Man's seat.

"Seven hells!" the Villager exclaimed. "I mean, golly gee! Is that a robot dog?"

"Yeah. And you can feed him some oil cans if you like, toss him a gear or two, or even scratch his head, just please. No funky stuff. No peanut-butter covered nuts, no penetration, no tickling. Nothin'."

"Sure thing, Mister-"

"Mega Man."

"Mr. Man, believe you me. I swear to you, on my watch, your cybernetic canine's purity will never be in question. I wouldn't even dream of it."

"Aight, you seem pretty chilled. What can I call you, homeboy?"

"Um."

The Villager looked ahead, past the panting Isabella, towards his female counterpart.

"Excuse me, miss?"

She spun around again, her warm and inviting countenance making the Villager's heart erupt in somersaults of joy.

"Yes?"

"Th-this will no doubt sound incredibly odd, but do you have a name, by chance?"

She laughed. "So formal! I wanted to ask you the same question. See, on my invitation, all it says is 'Female Villager.'"

The other Villager, ephiphanous, pulled out his own envelope and was shocked to see that it was addressed to 'Male Villager'.

"Wait. Seriously?"

"I wish I was making this up, Male Villager. Do you know what the heck this tournament thing is supposed to be about? I brought my bathing suit, in case we got a chance to hit the beach. Have a look!"

She spun around right then and there, changing her outfit instantaneously, and the Male Villager discreetly hid his growing erection.

"N-n-not a clue. But you should probably stick with us, just to be safe."

Ogling her, Mega Man pushed him out of the way. "What he said, toots. There's all kinds of crazies out there. Ya ever need someone to keep ya safe, I'm for hire, sugar."

"Er... thank you, but I think I'm-"

Just then a high-pitched squealing, as that of a Jigglypuff being strangled, kicked in from the P.A. system. The disturbingly wide face of an anthropomorphic frog appeared on the telly.

"I've got someone on my- I mean, all right, folks! Last stop, Smashgrounds Central!"

"Fuck yes!" the Blue Bomber grinned. "I've been on this miserable train for hours! Let's get us some boot-ay!"

The doors opened as the three shook hands. What awaited surprised the hell out of them.

"WELCOME NEW CHALLENGERS!" the banner read, spanning the entire station. A massive crowd of OVER NINE hundred THOUSAND strange mushroom-headed people, upright turtles, frowning goombas, humans, Gorons, Zora, leaf-headed beings, furry creatures of every size and shape, friendly robots, soldiers, cavalrymen, and just about every fictional race under the sun stood applauding and heckling. For whom or what, it was unclear, but as Mega Man and the two Villagers descended to the platform, they were met with loud cheers.

"Holy shit," Mega Man said, his eyes turning wide as saucers. "It's like I'm some long-neglected celebrity who's made a miraculous comeback or somefink."

"Smile and wave, friends," a friendly voice sounded out. Its owner, a tall, long-nosed man wearing a green tuxedo, patted Mega Man on the back. "Name's Luigi. Mr. Man, we've been expecting you for quite some time now. Welcome to the Smashgrounds, sirs and ma'am," he continued, turning to the Villagers. "I'll happily answer your questions on our way to the castle."

The group advanced on a moving platform that flew over the city. The Newcomers couldn't stop gaping at the massive crowd-organism surrounding them like an endless sea of bodies.

"This is insane," the Male Villager said. "They could get crushed!"

"Perhaps temporarily," Luigi replied. "There's no death here. Only pain unending, and for a select few, a slim chance at glory."

"So it's true. We're to fight here?" inquired the Female Villager.

"There'll be a lot more living than fighting," said their host. "At least until we've completed our roster."

"W-what is this place, exactly?" she asked. "It's so odd, yet so familiar."

"You're not the first to beg that question," said a voice from behind Luigi. The Villagers and Mega Man turned to see a bright yellow dude decked out in orange gloves and red boots step off a platform that just floated in. "We're in the process of figuring it out, ourselves. Some say this is a Purgatory, a sort of shared afterlife that we can't get out of. Others believe that it's a mental prison, or else a dream world-"

"It… it's the King!" The Villagers, having recovered from a moment of speechlessness, dropped to the floor and crawled on over to kiss Pac-Man's feet, much to the derangement of everyone else.

"Hey, um… that's really not necessary," Pac-Man said. "Plus, I totes just had these spit-shined."

"Must be a cultural thing," replied Mega Man. "Could be you're a God to them. Or maybe they just think you're a giant-ass lemon. Ya sure look like one."

Pac-Man's brow puckered. "Excuse me?"

Mega Man shook with disgust. "Whoa, whoa. I see your beady eyes checkin' out my junk. Your giant mouth's slobberin' like a coked-out toddler snorting pixie stix on Halloween."

After gently patting the Villagers on the back for them to stop and stepping forward, Pac-Man sized up the Newcomer. "Okay, I'll pretend I didn't hear that. We got off on the wrong foot here. Name's Pac-Man. You can call me Pac, PM, Puck, or my birth name, Puckerton. Mr. Man, you'll soon see there's no reason to quarrel on our downtime. We get to do it all the time in there."

Pac-Man gestured over the way to a large holographic display in the center of the city, showcasing a live match going on between the Wii Fit Trainer, Kirby, King Dedede, and Greninja.

"They're fighting," the Male Villager keenly observed. "But why?"

"Because we are forced to."

"By whom?" asked the Female Villager.

"The Being from Above," said Luigi. "'Ominous Voice', we call it. Nameless Master. It summons us to battle one another, or else some alien forces, and we must comply, or suffer greatly at the hands of its literally disembodied hands. We do not yet know its identity, though we're trying to find out."

Mega Man rolled his eyes. "Oh, really now. So we're just gladitorial slaves? How long has this shit been goin' on?"

"The core group's collective memories date back about five months. But lately, we've got newcomers like yourselves arriving every other day," Pac-Man calmly replied. "It may appear that the game never ends. And indeed, we'll be fighting in shifts, so as to give the other combatants a break. There's also the whole reality show thing going on, too. Which is to say, outside of your private quarters, you must be ready to have your likenesses broadcast over the entire realm at all times. We can wait until later to discuss the details."

"Aight, foo. S'all good how you wanna maintain the peace and all, I respect that. But keep that gaping trap o' yours closed 'round me. Don't need me none of that foo-foo candy-ass shit in here. Tried that once, holmes. Never again. Keep your hands off my pooch of perfect purity! I promised ya, Rush! Never again! It was one time, buddy!"

Pac-Man scratched his head. "I'm… not exactly sure what you're insinuating, but you've got a lot of talk in you for a rusty bucket of bolts. You let me know when you're ready, brother. Final Destination. Smash Balls only. I'll let you take a handicap if you want. But for now, let's just smile and wave-"

"Hmph! Handicap!"

Mega Man crossed his stubby arm over his Mega Buster and turned to the audience, his expression blank. He pondered Pac-Man's words carefully for a good few moments as the others conversed, and then finally returned to face his host.

"I'll tell you where you can shove that handicap, ya pedophilic carpet muncher. You can shove it so far down your throat, it'll get stuck in your non-existent esophagus and choke you from the inside out!"

This turned Pac-Man's cheeks red – the 'carpet muncher' was clearly checking out the bikini-clad Female Villager, and Mega Man had caught him in the act.

Luigi cleared the air with a tornado spin. "Mamma mia! Shut up already, both of you! We have a schedule to keep."

But Pac-Man only gestured for him to stay back.

"Let's do it," said Pac-Man. "Now."

Mega Man grinned. "I won't hold back, yellow belly."

"A moment, Puck." Luigi placed a hand on one side of Pac-Man's head, which was the closest thing he had to a shoulder. "We're in the middle of the introductory parade and there's currently a match going on. You sure about this?"

Pac-Man nodded. "I just need to shut the kid up and teach him some respect. Don't interfere."

"Very well." Luigi tapped the Mushroom-shaped lapel on his tux. "Lombardi, we need a squadron of Camera Lakitus. Clear the airspace for the Final Destination platform. Inform the other fighters they can take fifteen after the next stock loss."

Falco's voice responded from Luigi's earpiece. "What's cookin', Don?"

"Impromptu showdown. Perfect for ratings, but we'll have to push lunch back to one-thirty."

The Male Villager bit his nails as the scene before him snowballed into a one-on-one duel.

Mega Man raised his hands in the air. "W-w-wait, we can talk about thi-"

Pac-Man cleared his throat, grabbed the mic, and screamed: "I challenge the Newcomer, Mega Man, to a duel!"

He then tossed the mic into the audience, where it crushed an unsuspecting goomba, eliciting even more riotous cheering.

A bolt of lightning seared the ground before them. Two floating platforms appeared, and Pac-Man and Mega Man each stepped onto one. The platforms each instantly teleported to above a two-hundred foot wide flat island, flying high above the crowd and offering a full panoramic view of Smash City.

The crowd-organism was following the slow-moving procession past busy intersections. Mega Man looked back at where the trains had let them off – downtown was several miles away now. In the midst of the city, a large nature preserve played host to tens of thousands of Pokemon and the tourists who flocked to visit them. Now they were approaching the shimmering harbor and marina, beyond which lay an Endless Ocean, and over it, the shadows of the Smashgrounds, drifting two thousand feet above. A series of small floating islands surrounded a large central one, which hosted a vibrant castle at its center. Even from a distance, the grounds were even more impressive in person than they looked on the holo-screens.

"Three…" an omnipresent voice began counting.

The older, stately Pac-Man took a humble bow.

"Two…"

Thankful that his knees were rather solid, Mega Man waved to the adoring public.

"One…"

The Male Villager seized the opportunity to hold the Female Villager close. He mentally patted himself on the back for a job well done.

"Fight!"

-(^o^)-

Thank you for reading! Chapters two and three should be coming very soon.