The Bloodmoon Uprising
OR-
Moogles Get Tired of Being Support Classes and Whip Out the Whupass
By The Apologist
intro
And in those days it came to pass that Nutsy, greatest of the clans, began a gentle reign over the imaginary land of Ivalice. Although all those involved in the creation of this world had accepted the fact that they needed to get on with real life, they still liked to escape from time to time on weekends, long school breaks and the like. The judges remained a neutral party, enforcing the completely arbitrary and often-irritating laws of engagement. This did absolutely nothing to bring the rates of violence down, but with the irrepressible Ezel Berbier and almighty Judgemaster Cid essentialy exempting him from all of the laws anyway King Marche was extremely apathetic on the subject. As a result, morale was down something-eight percent, and restlessness was on the rise. Clans became, largely, violent bands of marauders and bandits, waylaying poor innocent monsters and townsfolk in search of anti-law cards (Since the crown had now taken control of both the mightiest judge and the prime source of anti-law cards, these were quite a rare commodity).
Amidst all of this chaos, a terrible new challenge arose to the clans and the crown. Evil emerged from its centuries-long dwelling place in the jagds, found root in the hearts of the most adorable creatures on earth, and set the world alight in its horrible blaze. This whole mess started, peaked and ended in the month of Bloodmoon, and so came to be known as the Bloodmoon Uprising.
/intro
YEAR 1-
"There is no fear that we cannot conquer, no enemy that we cannot face down, no foe too... oh holy CRAP what is that?" - Judgemaster Cid
Chapter 1: Blood Moon Arisin'-
It was a dark and... well, dark night. Filled with darkness. In the dark. The only light showing was the blood-red moon, announcing the month of the lunar year. Kinimo, favorite moogle daughter of the new generation, was humming a popular tune to herself and picking daisies in a big field of flowers. Suddenly, she heard a noise not too far off, in the direction of the little stonework building. "I wonder what that might be?" the stereotypical little girl thought to herself, readjusting her pompom as she went to investigate by herself in the middle of the night without any reason for being in the middle of the field.
Kinimo nearly tripped over a big, steaming pile of awful cliches as she peeked around the circular tower. "Oh my gosh!" Kinimo whispered to herself, surprised. She immediately rushed off to find a judge.
Kinimo soon returned, a judge behind her. She showed him what she had seen, only to find that the situation had escalated. "I can't look!" she exclaimed, "they're gonna kill each other!"
The judge sighed, looking around the corner. He stared, transfixed. "Oh, wow... Ouch. That has to hurt. I've never seen anything so... so..."
Kinimo didn't dare look... "Awful? Disgusting? Terrifying?"
The judge shook his head, "So adorable! Look at 'em go! Wow, the little squeaks they make when they get hit..."
Kinimo just stared up at the judge, more terrified now than ever. It's entirely possible that, in that one moment, she understood in foresight what was going to happen and why. But if she did, she certainly kept it all to herself, the greedy little... cough er, right.
Soon the fight was over. Fur, blood, and bits of pom-pom were strewn about behind the stone building in the middle of Aisenfield. One moogle lay dead while the other, a tough gunner wearing low-rider jeans, muscle shirt, too much jewelry and a 'do-rag wiped the blood from his nose and left eye. "Kupo... stupid fourlegs almost got me.."
Unfortunately for that gunner, use of the words "fourlegs" and "got" were both against the law that day. Galvanized by the only thing he knew, the judge blew his whistle, sprung out of the shadows, and dealt a yellow and red card violently to the gunner. The moogle merely sneered, spit on the cards, and aimed his sawed-off Longbarrel squarely between the judge's eyes. "I know you think that armor makes you ultra-kupo, kupo, but you're about to be deader than a Nu-Mou in Jagd Dorsa if you don't back down."
The judge couldn't stop laughing. "Oh! Say that last part again! Moogles are soooo adorable!"
Judge armor is very strong, but damned if it can hold up to a close-range shot from a sawed-off longbarrel. This judge was to be the first of many to join the Totema in that ethereal nonreality. Kinimo made it out unharmed, although it's widely speculated that this was to be her greatest misfortune of all. Of course, only idiots would speculate that it's better to be dead than alive, but it makes a pretty soundbite, and as many left-wing politicians have proven that's all it really takes to make the news.
"And that's what I saw, King Marche." Kinimo looked up at King Marche, worried about his response. He had seemed a bit, well... distant from the people lately.
"Hmm. Interesting, interesting. Now, I'm afraid I didn't hear a word of that."
Kinimo stared at Marche, stunned. King Marche indicated a sign by the wall. It was a big list of that day's laws, expanded at his leisure. Written on the bottom in blue pen ink, obviously an addition made less than a day ago, was the law "King Marche, highest power in the land, lends a deaf ear to those who do not express their proposals in the form of interpretive dance." Written just under it was the law "Anything you can't say in under a minute probably isn't worth being said."
Kinimo shook her head slowly, dazed by the sheer idiocy of it all. She racked her brain for a few seconds, then turned to King Marche, cleared her throat, and performed the most amazing feat in all of history.
As time went on in Ivalice, and power began to rise, levels ran into the hundreds. As a result, multiple new advanced classes and superclasses had to be devised in order to keep players interested at all. The newest addition to the moogles was a basic class: the Dancer. Able to perform amazing feats with their dances (including all the weird nonsensical magic stuff that a dance could never actually do) these moogles were highly-trained experts at all kinds of dance... including interpretive dance.
Kinimo expressed everything she saw in a dance lasting exactly twenty seconds. King Marche began to applaud... or so she assumed. She soon found out that was clapping to summon Judgemaster Cid, who promptly served her a red card for violating the law that day, which strictly forbig Dance A-abilities. King Marche then ordered another Pina Colada-flavored snocone and took an extra-long nap while Kinimo cooled her heels in Sprohm.
Of course this was all horrible foolishness, and Marche was about to regret it, but he had a damn fine nap and dreamed of many, very hot Viera lasses.
Thus ends chapter 1.