(I don't own any of the Supernatural characters, they belong to Kripke and CW network)
(A/N This story contains flashbacks of child abuse, there also might be some non-con. Rated MA for blatant sexual content and language.
This story will be angst ridden with physically/mentally hurt Dean and mentally damaged Sam. The first chapter contains story set up.)
…..
Two people can be bound so tightly by blood and circumstance that if one person dies the other just ceases to exist. They walk through this world as a ghost, never whole, never happy just moving from one day to the next drawing breath and going through the motions.
You find yourself too afraid to live but too scared to die, just hoping the universe makes the choice for you.
Sam and Dean wouldn't have the luxury of leaving hard choices up to unseen forces. The brothers would have to face their buried emotions and find a new definition of what it means to be truly alive.
…
Sam had no idea his brother was dying, after purgatory Dean wasn't quite the same but still he soldiered on and seemed to bounce back for awhile. A year later things had begun to slide and Sam started to notice. Dean drank more, took too many risks and depression hung over him like a death shroud. Sam figured purgatory had just taken its toll on his mind and not his body.
The vampire was an unwelcome surprise but Sam dealt with it and after awhile had to accept the fact they had a sexual relationship but that didn't mean Sam to like it. Still Benny gave Dean what he couldn't, physical release and a steady shoulder to lean on.
The upside was Benny never stayed long; usually a few days and then he vanished for long stretches of time. Sam's jealousy would wane and the brothers would go back to their denial. If they couldn't have each other then nobody could.
The trust was eroded between Sam and Dean, the fact Sam abandoned him to a twilight version of hell and moved on throbbed like a like fresh wound after a year back from purgatory.
Even with the hard feelings between them Dean dreamed of a life with Sam, a real one with all the love, sex, tenderness, trust and partnership they could ever want.
Sam always held back his true feelings for Dean afraid to take that step and break his carefully constructed wall he used to protect himself. He danced around childhood memories so dark that to speak of what happened might break the fragile thread of sanity he clung to so desperately.
…
Dean stared at himself in the mirror, another night of sleep lost. The hunter was used to it, this strange, cursed life and the nightmares that came with it. He could tell himself that's why he woke up but the truth be told it was Sam that made Dean jerk awake at the same time almost every night.
Sam was Deans only blessing in an otherwise shitty life, the kid brother he would do anything for. Protect at all costs, love no matter what because Sammy was so damn fragile inside.
He knew around the time Sam's nightmares came, Dean had his internal clock built around them and that's why Dean never got a full night's sleep but over the years you adjust and soon enough it becomes normal.
It was normal when Sam was a kid and so normal now Dean wouldn't know what to do with himself at two in the morning if not for Sam's night terrors. Dean looked at his watch and right on cue there it was, Sam moaning and jerking, crying out in his sleep.
He rushed through the darkness grateful the motel layouts were so simple, one blended into another so his movements were instinctual. Take the clear path from the bathroom straight to Sam's bed where he thrashed around like a giant hooked marlin.
Dean swung a leg over the bare torso and sat with full weight on his brother then he went for the wrists pinning Sam down as he bucked and cried, the words changed from night to night sometimes giving Dean a glimpse into the past he wanted to forget.
"Please nooo…" Sam trailed off like a broken siren as Dean whispered loudly, "Sammy wake up." His brothers hazel eyes snapped open and stared up at Dean, "D..Dean?"
"Yeah Sammy it's me same as always."
"I had a dream…a nightmare about…nothing."
Dean pushed back Sam's sweaty long hair and patted his cheek, "Sure babe it was nothing, but if you want to talk…"
"No! No, get off me I gotta pee."
Dean got off as Sam hurried to the bathroom; he watched the pee boner tenting the front of Sam's sweats and then hated himself for looking so long. Dean went back to bed hoping to get a few hours sleep before he met up with Benny the next morning.
…
Sam stared at himself in the mirror; he knew he looked like shit. The nightmares were getting worse but Dean always saved him and for that he was grateful.
At that moment he wasn't grateful for the painful erection straining against his sweats, he didn't have to pee, Sam had to jerk himself off again.
Every night he had those nightmares Sam woke up to Dean sitting on top of him, pert ass grinding against Sam's dick so hard trying to wrestle him down that Sam was afraid the fabric would rip and Dean would end up impaled on it.
He spit in his hand and jerked himself hard, almost a punishment for thinking of Dean that way but then he always had since he could form any sort of sexual thought and realize what it was.
Sam braced against the dirty wall with one hand and abused himself with the other, it never took long. His body was conditioned to get there quickly and end it. Sam groaned softly as his balls contracted and come splattered over the sink.
Afterward he watched the pearly drops sliding down the basin as wicked thoughts welled up inside of him.
Sam pictured Dean cleaning it off with his mouth as Sam stood over him demanding he work faster; he made Dean jerk off then lap it all up as Sam pounded deep inside of him. The ending to this little fantasy was him falling asleep in the shelter of his big brothers arms allowing every scrap of mental pain to drift away lost in the ether.
Sometimes Sam's fantasies were of a dominate Dean controlling him in bed as he did in everyday life but either way seemed wonderful to the confused young man.
"What the fuck is wrong with me…"
"Sammy you ok in there?"
"Yeah Dean give me a minute." He ran water in the sink trying to wash away his shame then opened the door and brushed past Dean as if nothing happened.
Dean glanced back at Sam then hurried in to take a leak. He finished, shook off then went to wash his hands but when he grabbed the handle he ended up with come on his fingers, still slightly warm.
Dean raised them to his lips and tasted Sam all the while with eyes closed tight. That salty, musky scent and flavor was all Sammy and he reveled in the moment.
Dean's eyes opened slowly and focused on the dying man staring back at him. A coughing fit grabbed Dean, wracking his body as red droplets sprayed over the sink, "Damn it…not here, not again."
Sam yelled, "Dean, are you ok?"
Dean gripped the sink and caught his breath; he yelled back, "I'm five by five Sammy."
….
Dean swaggered in the door toward his friend, the vampire got up and clapped Dean on the back, "How goes it brother? You look like hell; I think you need more than coffee." Benny waved over the waitress and ordered for Dean, "Two specials with extra bacon for my friend here and two coffees black."
Dean watched her walk away then rolled his eyes at Benny, "Damn your bossy, who said you could order for me?"
The blue eyes twinkled back at him, "did I get it wrong darlin'?"
Dean tried not to smile but with Benny it was hard not to, "No smartass, that's what I would have ordered, just because your right doesn't make it ok."
Benny reached over and squeezed Dean's hand, "Sorry baby, meet me tonight and I'll make it up to you…give you my good lovin'," his voice softened, "kiss all up on you Dean then spread those legs and take you home."
Dean jerked his hand away and looked around the diner wondering if anyone noticed.
Benny sat back and folded his arms, "I'm only here for awhile and this isn't forever…besides you got your forever with Sam."
Dean began examining his napkin suddenly finding it fascinating, "I don't want forever with anyone and I don't know what the fuck you're talking about with Sam, I got nothing with him except as my brother."
Benny shook his head and smirked, "Sure Dean, keep livin' that lie of yours long enough and someday it might be real."
"I've been lying to myself since Sam was a kid so there's no point in stopping now. Besides, it's none of your business."
Dean felt the heat creep thought his cheeks embarrassed at admitting how he felt, "I want you bad like a drug." Dean leaned in closer and whispered, "Wanna let you split my ass open and make me feel something…you know what I like."
Dean's hands trembled as he brought the water to his lips and when he drank a drop of blood fell blooming over the liquid like a rose. Benny sat up straight, sniffed the air and closed his eyes, "Dean what's wrong?"
"Nothing."
"Bullshit that blood is bad, I smell it, and your heart is weak." Benny wiped a finger over the corner of Deans mouth and caught a scant bit of blood then sucked his finger, "Tell me Dean, why are you here?"
The hunter growled, "To take out a nest and get fucked good and proper from my big daddy vampire."
"Alright then," Benny pointed out the window to the bar near the water, "You meet me there and we have a few drinks…go back to my room and you can tell me all about that heart sickness of yours right after I tap that pretty ass if you feel up to it."
….
Dean pulled in and there was Sam waiting for him at the window, he saw his brothers face light up like a puppy when its master came home. The motel door opened and Sam stood there clutching his phone, shifting nervously from foot to foot trying to never seem too eager or happy.
He watched Dean get out and walk toward him all bowlegged swagger flashing a grin and Sam felt his knees weaken.
He couldn't imagine a life without Dean yet Sam knew every day was precious. In their line of work you grabbed all the living you could and hoped for the best. They never forged ties with anyone, at least Sam didn't and Dean was all he had in the world.
Sam grabbed Dean and hugged him surprising his brother, "Whoa Sammy I was only gone a little while."
"Too long, I missed you."
Deans time bomb beat rapidly in his chest from the excitement of Sam pressing against him, "I missed you too baby boy."
TBC