If You Ever Come Back...
If the truth is you're a liar,
then just say that you're okay…
She couldn't be okay. He definitely wasn't okay. Nothing about this was okay. Nikki had left him. Not in the traditional 'she left me' sense of course, they'd never been an item, but she had left... a huge bloody great hole in his life.
He'd failed to see it coming. Always assumed that Harry and Nikki would always be just that- 'Harry and Nikki'. Perfectly content in their independent, yet co-dependent ways. He'd failed to realise that at some point, one of them would possibly have to make a 'grown-up' decision that would remove them from the very friendship they'd both come to rely on so heavily over the past 6 or so years.
The job was a great opportunity. He knew that. He also knew that Nikki's heart belonged in South Africa. And it had slowly become clear that her past over there had more significance to her than her present or future in London.
Now they say I'm wasting my time
'cause you're never comin' home
but they used to say the world was flat
and how wrong was that now?
Leo doesn't seem nearly as bothered as I thought he'd be about you leaving. I at least thought I'd have someone to share my grief with. Apparently I was wrong. He's been all over the 'it'll be good for her' and 'you need to learn to be happy for her' speeches. I know I need to accept it, but it doesn't quite seem to have sunk in yet.
Four months I have been without my best friend. My phone has been pretty much made redundant. The only person whose call ever mattered is the only person who will no longer call now. Too expensive.
The stupid argument we had hasn't helped communication matters either.
I'd been practicing my mature, 'I'm happy for you' speech when, without warning, my emotions once again overruled my logic and I found myself reeling off the full 'It'll be awful back in South Africa' speech, with a few added verses of 'You'll end up with another Anton who'll disrespect you', and finishing neatly with a simple "You're making a huge mistake".
I'm sorry.
It's hardly surprising you felt it necessary to point out my childish and utterly selfish nature. Adding something at the end about me holding you back and preventing you from being happy. It was then I realised I had to let you leave.
Never gave up hope you'd come back to me though.
And I wish you could give me the cold shoulder
And I wish you could still give me a hard time
And I wish I could still wish it was over...
Harry would have given anything to return to the moment he'd begun to shout, plead and beg. He'd have given anything to realise then just how much he would miss her.
He should have taken that last half an hour with her to study her face, make her laugh, hold her tight; all the things he'd begun to take for granted.
But even if wishing is a waste of time,
even if I never cross your mind...
I wonder if you ever think of me. It's been four months. I've thought of you every day. You're the first thing I think about in the morning and the last thing I think about at night. You consume my dreams. In most of these, I arrive in Cape Town to rescue you from a miserable existence, and declare my undeniable, all-consuming love for you, my best friend.
But then again, in my dreams, when I tell you I love you, that I want to spend my life living alongside you, you don't reject me. This is what distinguishes them from reality.
For I am aware that the real-life versions of these dreams would end in rejection, regret, and denial. I am also aware that these are the reasons that for six long years, we have been as close as two people can possibly be, yet we couldn't ever have been further apart.
Except for now.
5979 miles to be exact.
And if you're out there tryna' move on
But something pulls you back again...
Harry realised that Nikki had probably left all thoughts of London behind when she boarded the plane. Her complete rejection of his 'don't leave me' rendition (although he'd never actually said those words) proved just how much she needed to move on. Move on from him.
He wondered often, whether she ever felt the need to be back in the safety of his arms once again. The photo in her wallet of them both, taken in a service station photo booth, was probably the only link to home she had now.
Besides, 'home' wasn't here anymore. And not just for Nikki. His home had, for as long as he could remember, been where Nikki was.
He was now just a lodger in his own life.
If it's the fighting you remember or the little things you miss
I know you're out there somewhere so just remember this...
I have written you numerous letters. They currently reside on a pile in my study, but if published, would create probably the most depressing book to ever grace the literary world.
I've tried to be happy for you. God knows I've tried.
I've accepted your complete lack of contact for the past month.
I've tried, I really have, to stay out of your life. But I need you to know.
Four weeks to the day. I am sending you a simple text message.
I miss you.
I'll leave the door on the latch,
If you ever come back, if you ever come back,
There'll be a light in the hall and the key under the mat,
If you ever come back...
Harry knew it would take time to get used to the idea of life without her. Every day for the past four weeks, he had half expected her to turn up on his doorstep, suitcases in tow, telling him she never should have left.
Those thoughts, he had realised, were the type best confined to his dreams. A place where, if only briefly each night, he could create his own happy endings. In those dreams, he was always holding her tight, and he never let her go. In those dreams, she was always no further away than the other side of his front door.
Knock Knock.
That was the front door.
There'll be a smile on my face and the kettle on
And it will be just like you were never gone...
I have never seen you look so radiant. Tear-stained eyes and all. You are perfect.
I have never willed myself to stay asleep so much, so as to allow the continuation of the perfect dream.
"Nikki."
"Harry, I should never have left."
And I have never been so shocked to discover that the most perfect moment of my life had not been a dream at all. It had been real.
You were back in my arms once again.
All Silent Witness references and characters belong to the BBC.
The song is 'If you ever come back', by The Script.
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