A/N: This story was written based off of an inside joke between me and my best friends haha XD this is meant for entertainment purposes and was written at 12:30 am. I hope you find this as funny as we did
Copyright: I do not own Death Note or Bleach. If I did there would be more Yaoi and Sombreros
It was a clear spring day. The church bells were ringing as a colorful array of people entered the church. Light Yagami, looking dapper in a black suit, wasn't happy about this. He didn't want his mom to get remarried, especially to this guy! He was a doofus and his son and one of his daughters needed anger management classes. The son's girlfriend was no better. Their names were ridiculous! Who was named Ichigo?
Meanwhile, Ichigo was thinking the same thing. His mother had more beauty in her pinky finger than this woman had in her whole body! She was old, annoying, and wouldn't stop asking him if he wanted tea. And who names their son Light?! Ichigo sighed and tugged at his tie. Today was the day his life would change for the worse.
Light had gone into the church and sat down in his seat next to Ryuzaki. He was suprised he didn't burst into flames, being gay and all. And Ryuzaki didn't seem like a church person, either so if they ever were to get married, it wouldn't be in a church.
Ichigo had sat down on a chair on the left side. He noticed that the right side was for family of Sachiko and the left was for family of his father. He was still angry he wasn't in the wedding. They didn't have any bridesmaids or groomsmen or anything! They didn't want anyone "left out." He wasn't even sure if the pastor was an actual pastor. It was a small kid with bright white hair and white pajamas with a hat on his head only the pope would wear. He was an idiot, it seemed.
Light had noticed the pastor too and heard a faint voice, it seemed to be coming from the back of the room, whisper, "Why is Near the pastor?!" It was Watari talking to... Probably Roger. He turned behind him to see Sayu, one of Ichigo's sisters, and Matsuda. Sayu was in the middle of them and was showing off her wedding ring to Ichigo's nice blonde sister. Light was still creeped out about Matsuda marrying Sayu. Man cougar... Whatever. She was happy. That's all that matters. Light then looked to see Misa, wearing a revealing dress, sitting next to Mikami who's plus one was a pillow that had 'Light Yagami' written on it. Light shuttered. Mikami was such a rapist! In the last row was Watari, holding a camera, Roger, and Matt and Mello sucking faces. Light turned back around and heard the music start. This whole thing was going to be broadcasted on Near's new show, Nearprah. He had taken over after Oprah retired. The show was a disaster.
Ichigo was looking straight ahead, a look of anger on his face. Rukia looked at him. "Are you ok?"
"Just wonderful," Ichigo said tensely. He had heard Uryu muttering to himself in the background. "I sewed that dress. She better not ruin it." Man, he was such an ass. Ichigo had finally heard the music start and saw his new step mother walking down the isle. He hated this. He then turned to see someone he didn't think would be here. Kon. In a bow tie. Still a stuffed lion. Ichigo thought he was gonna explode! What the hell was he doing here! This night was gonna suck.
Light had sat through the whole ceremony and was now happy it was time for the cocktail hour, as it was called. Maybe he could drink himself stupid so he could survive through the night.
Ichigo was thinking the same thing. Even if he was like fifteen, so what? He's been through enough shit. He walked into the room where some small tables and chairs were set up. He saw that a buffet of finger foods was laid out along with plates. Then, he saw the bar. He made his way over eagerly and got some type of weird cocktail. Hopefully they would have something stronger during the actual reception.
Light had seen the bar as well and then saw Ichigo. He ignored him and got the same drink as him, hoping he could take some shots or something during the reception. He downed his drink and decided to eat some food. Might as well enjoy himself.
When they all finally went into the reception hall, it was time for toasts. Everyone had been handed a piece of the Death Note, courtesy of Near, so that Ryuk and Kon could make a special speech later on. They were with some guy in a green hat who reminded him of this guy on a reality show. Light was sitting at a table with Sayu, Matsuda, Misa, L, and Mikami, the rapist. Light had already chugged his champagne, seeing that he would need a lot of it to make it through a night sitting with Misa and Rapey McMolester Man. Ichigo was up first for his speech.
Ichigo had gone up to the mic, his glass in his hand, and tapped on it, clearing his throat. "Hey there..." he said. He looked around at everyone. "I just want to say that I'm happy for the newly weds! Yeah!" No sound. "I never thought my dad would marry again but here he is! He's such a douche bag!" There were some laughs from the croud and one, "I love you too son you stupid ass hole!" Ichigo grunted, slightly annoyed. "But, um... Toast to the happy couple!" he said. He went back to his table, which he shared with Rukia, Kon, Chad, Orihime, Kisuke, and that douche bag, Martha Stewart like Quincy, Uryu. Kon was staring at Orihime's chest and Uryu was just sitting there like a douche bag. That ass hole. Ichigo sighed and took a drink.
The next speech, Light noticed, was from Near. Oh god... Near went up onstage and got to the mic. "I like turtles. And Yaoi. And... Naked people. Merry Kwanzaa. Have a nice honeymoon. That is all." Near then got off stage and went back to his seat
Many long, boring speeches and about seven drinks later, Light stumbled up onstage. "Hey there party people! How y'all doing tonight all night long yo!" he slurred. Everyone gave the person next to them a confused look. "I love my mommy so much! She's such an angel! And if you hurt her I'll kill you! Cus I'm likez, her favorite son and shit and I am a god!" Mikami was about to cheer but Light said, "Don't say anything Mikami everything you say makes me think you're a child molester. Every word that comes out of your mouth sounds rapey... But anyway! I am so happaaaay fo' you guys! You rock! And Misa is still a prostitute! WOO! PARTAAAAY!" Light moved drunkily off stage and back to his seat. Everyone was speechless.
Ichigo thought that was hilarious. He then thought it couldn't get any better/worse that that, when Kon, some ugly looking monster, and Kisuke came up onstage. The monster spoke up. "Wassup my bitches? Pimp Ryuk is in the hiz-ouse!" he said.
Kon nodded slightly and Kisuke said, "You know it."
"We are here to tell you about our new business, Hookers and Hos." Gasps came from a corner of the room and someone choked slightly.
"Hookers and Hos is a revelation! We got everythang! Skinny bitches, white bitches, ghetto bitches! We got da' booty!" Kon said. Kisuke nodded.
"We even have a song about it!" Ryuk said. He was about to sing it when someone came and pushed them off stage.
Dinner finally came. Light ate so much that he became less drunk and everyone was stuffed. Then came the dancing and, Ichigo's favorite, the open bar. Light, Ichigo, Misa, Matsuda, Mikami, and Uryu went over to the bar. Kon had made his way over as well. "Let's do shots!" Misa suggested.
Light shrugged. "Why not? One couldn't hurt! I'm already drunk anyway!"
Many, many shots later, chaos happened. Ichigo had stupidly let Kon into his body and Near somehow got everyone to be able to see Ichio as a Soul Reaper. Misa was naked and Matsuda was in a thong. They were both dancing on a table, people throwing dollar bills at them. Mikami and Uryu had taken off their shirts, talking about how sexy they were and singing shots at the top of their lungs, and Light was dirty dancing with L. This was the funnest wedding they all had ever been to. Besides the fact that Kon was trying to get in everyone's pants, even Ichigo was having some fun.
After more grimy dancing and blaring strobe and colorful lights, Light noticed his mother on the disco ball and Isshin doing hand stands while his moody daughter kicked him in the face. Everyone was wasted, even L who ate a bowl of salt thinking it was sugar, and they hadn't even had cake. Light had found out there was a whole dessert bar, which L was first in line at. He stocked up his plate as tall as Mount Everest. After watching L gorge himself, Light noticed it was time for cake.
Ichigo was very drunk. Stupid drunk. He went over to the wedding cake and decided he would cut it himself. He used his Zanpakuto and cut a huge chunk off the cake. The newly weds stared at him and Ichigo's dad kicked him in the head, laughing soon after. Once everyone had cake, the dance floor soon became somewhat full again. After about an hour more of dancing, everything became a blur.
The next morning, Light had woken up in his pajamas. L was up, looking over at Light. "How drunk was I?" Light asked.
"You vomited all over the dance floor after calling me your sexy bitch. Apparently I ate salt and told everyone they were my whores. Ryuk is now a pimp as well and if you want to know the rest, there's pictures on Facebook."
Light laughed slightly. Maybe that wedding wasn't so bad.
That same morning, Ichigo had woken up in his own body, which was pretty sore. Kon was sitting next to him. "Hey buddy... I sort of took advantage of your body..." he said.
"What the hell did you do?!" Ichigo asked furiously. His head hurt bad. Hangover.
"I got with that chick who got naked with the man cougar. She turned out to be a prostitute. You might want to get yourself checked..." Kon said
Ichigo sighed. Despite himself maybe having a venereal disease, that wedding was actually pretty fun. It wasn't as bad as he thought it was going to be.