The X-men Presents, Moonrose's Edition
A/N – Yes, I got permission from Chellerbelle. I highly doubt it will be as funny, but I'm giving a try.
The first story will be The Wise Little Girl
Once upon a time, on the Russian Steppes, there resided a village that exclusively bred horses. In October, there was a big horse-market and two brothers, Piotr and Mikhail…
"Pardon, Moonrose," Remy interrupted.
Yes, Remy?
"Who is Mikhail?" he questioned.
"He is my older brother, Remy," Piotr answered.
I thought you went running around in other Universes Remy. For shame, not knowing this. You are a shame to thieves everywhere.
"No need to get insulting!" Remy snapped.
Well, then may I continue?
"Of course."
Thank you for the permission.
There were two brothers named Piotr and Mikhail. Piotr was the poorer of the two, and so he rode a simple brown mare. His older brother, Mikhail, was extremely rich and enjoyed riding his great white stallion. Piotr, however, had been worried about his mare, for she had been gaining weight. One night, after they spent a night in the inn, they awoke to find three horses instead of two.
Well, two horses and a foal. The little foal had been born in the night, but when the brothers saw it, the foal was standing next to the stallion…
"What's the point of the horses?" Lance interrupted.
Piotr stood up slightly, as if to challenge him and the author smacked a hand to the forehead.
If you two start male posturing, I will toss you both out of the commentary, got it? And the point of the horses will become clear if you SHUT UP Lance.
"Someone is touchy today," Pietro commented.
"I think it has to do with the fact Moonrose is having issues finding her comics," Remy explained.
"I still think the horses have to do with the author's obsession with them," Lance stated.
Lance…shut up or I will never, I repeat never, write you together with Kitty and force you to sit through and watch her date Piotr.
"You wouldn't!" Lance exclaimed.
I would.
"Like, don't I get a say in this?" Kitty interrupted.
Not when I'm threatening Lance, sorry Kitty.
"Oh, that's fine," Kitty responded.
Thank you. Now, may I continue the story?
"Yeah, yeah, go on! When will I show up?" Pietro questioned.
You don't show up in this story.
"What?" Pietro responded and then went into a long-winded rant that the author refuses to type out.
Wonderful. Moving on.
Mikhail, upon seeing the foal standing next to his stallion, he immediately exclaimed, "The foal is mine!" Mikhail exclaimed.
"Wow, his sanity really is rocky," Lance commented.
Lance, that was bad. That was really, really bad. And you just insulted Pitor's brother.
Lance gulped and turned around to see Pitor staring down at him. "How did you even know that?" Pitor questioned.
"Do you want to know how scary the author's mind is? She actually thought this through!" Lance exclaimed.
Lance, shut up!
Pitor laughed and shook his head. "Brother, who has ever heard of a stallion giving birth to a foal? The foal is obviously mine," he answered.
Soon, it dissolved into a fight, upon which they eventually decided to take it to court. However, they arrived on the day that Emperor Erik would be proceeding over the court and would dispense the justice.
"Why does Erik get to be the Emperor?" Xavier complained.
Really? We're starting this here? Look, you don't want to be the Emperor.
"Yes, I do."
No, you don't Professor. Trust me. The next story is when you'll want to complain.
The Professor pouted slightly and crossed his arms. The author sighed and nodded to Magneto, who just looked smug.
Wait, don't you know this story?
"No…should I?" Magneto questioned.
Um…no. Nothing special.
Both brothers presented their case. Naturally, the Emperor was a man filled with common sense, and knew who the foal truly belonged to. He was about to say that Pitor, when, due to his annoyance with his brother, lost control of his mutant power and powered up. As such, he showed familiarity with the Emperor, which upset him greatly. Annoyed with this, and because he loved a good riddle, he decided to set a test upon them both.
"I can't judge which of you shall have the foal. However, I shall reward the foal, and 100 silver coins, to whoever solves these four riddles. What is the fastest thing in the world? What is the fattest? What is the softest? And what is the most precious? Return in a week with your answers. If you do not return, you shall be beheaded," the Emperor decided.
Do you still want to be the Emperor now Xavier?
"No."
Good, on with the story.
When Mikhail went home, he realized that he could not solve the riddles on his own. Down the road was a woman by the name of Jean who owed him 6 silver coins. Mikhail said he would forgive half the debt. However, Jean wrangled out the entire debt before she would answer the riddles for him. Mikhail did not doubt her, for he knew she was the most intelligent woman in their village.
Once she was given this, she answered his questions, "The fastest is my husband's bay horse. The fattest is our prize pig. The softest is the goose-down quilt I made myself, and the most precious is my three month old son. Nothing can compare to any of these things," she answered simply.
Mikhail doubted her answers, but knew they would be better then nothing.
"Hold up! You get to put one woman in this story and it's Jean?" Rogue burst in.
"Gee, thanks," Jean answered.
Rogue, I didn't think you wanted to be the 'wise' woman of the village. Besides, there is another up for grabs. However, that was cast ahead of time. I threw Jean in at the last minute.
"I feel loved," Jean muttered.
Be happy I didn't go Jott-bashing. Well, not that I do that. I actually like Jott.
"Really?" Rogue questioned.
Yeah. Scott and Jean still annoy me, but I like the pairing.
"Huh. What about some of those other pairings?" Rogue asked.
You don't want to know. Now, time to get on with the story.
Pitor, after the death of their parents, had taken into his care their little sister, Illyana. She was seven years old and, unfortunately, often had to be left alone while Pitor made enough to feed them both.
"Um, excuse me, I thought it was supposed to be his daughter?" Kitty interrupted.
I was not going to make Illyana Pitor's daughter! They are really brother and sister! Now, stop interrupting.
Kitty held up her hand in surrender and the author went back to the story.
Due to be alone so often, Illyana became so very wise, especially for a child of her age. She was, in fact, the wisest person in the village. As such, Pitor had no qualms about telling Illyana of the trouble he was now in. He explained that their older brother was trying to take the foal from them, but that foal, most likely from his brother's proud stallion, had potential to turn into a great horse and would sell well. Illyana immediately began to think of the answers and nodded.
"The fastest thing is a rumor. The fattest thing is the soil that feeds the citizens of our Emperor. The softest thing is a child's hug and the most precious thing is honesty," Illyana answered.
Pitor thanked his wise sister and returned to the Emperor. Once there, Mikhail delivered his answers first and was laughed at. When Pitor gave his answer, the Emperor was impressed, and a bit embarrassed especially when Pitor gave the last response, 'honesty.' The Emperor, however, wondered where this man had gotten such answers.
"Where did you receive these answers from?" the Emperor asked.
"My little sister, whom I take care of," Pitor responded.
Emperor Erik seemed surprised and then turned thoughtful. "You shall be rewarded for having such a clever sister.
"Um, Moonrose?" Kitty interrupted
What now?
"Um…well, if Pitor is being rewarded for a clever sister, shouldn't Mikhail being rewarded for having a clever sister as well?" she continued.
…Oh…yeah.
"You shall be rewarded for raising such a wise and clever sister Pitor. You shall have the 100 silver coins, and the foal. However, there is one thing. You must bring your sister with you in seven days. And, since she is so clever, she must solve this riddle.
"She will come neither dressed nor naked, neither on horse-back nor on foot, neither bearing gifts nor empty-handed. And if she does all of this, only than may you collect your reward," the Emperor explained.
Pitor turned to glare at Magneto, about to power up when he found himself unable to due to the fact the author intervened, thus preventing a fight from breaking out.
It is a story. Story. Myth. Not real. Continuing!
The council laughed and Pitor returned home, telling Illyana all about it. She looked thoughtful and then smiled, "Bring me a partridge and the great wolf, Rahne, both alive. I can do the rest," she answered.
"Hold up! Rahne gets to be in this story? But no other female?" Wanda shouted.
"Oh, what am I, chopped liver?" Jean snarked.
"Actually, no. I consider you something that cannot be considered female," Wanda responded.
Jean brought her hand up to her head and Wanda's hands glowed blue.
"Shouldn't you, like, break them up?" Kitty questioned of the authoress.
Like hell! I'm not getting involved in that! Even I am not that crazy!
"She's got a point," Rogue commented.
Thank you.
"She just called you crazy and you aren't going to do anything to her?" Jean shouted.
Jean…I fully embrace the fact I am crazy. I am just not crazy enough to get involved in a fight between you and Wanda. Actually, anyone fighting against Wanda. Actually, I'd be more terrified of a fight between Rogue and Wanda. Because, they'd unite forces, eventually. I totally see that happening.
Rogue and Wanda just shared a grin.
And Rahne?
"Aye?"
You're in the next story.
Seven days later, Pitor came with his sister, Illyana. She was wrapped in a fishing next, was riding the wolf, Rahne, and was carrying a partridge, thus full-filling the first two requirements.
"I said neither bearing gifts nor empty-handed!" the Emperor responded. Illyana held up the partridge and as the Emperor reached to take it, the bird flew away, fulfilling the final necessity of the riddle.
Erik was quite impressed with the girl and responded, in a gentle voice, "You and your brother really need this reward, don't you?"
"Oh, yes! We live off the hares we catch in the streams and the fishes we pick from the trees!" Illyana responded.
The Emperor smirked. "You aren't so wise after all! Whoever heard of fishes in the trees and hares in the rivers?"
"Whoever heard of a stallion giving birth to a foal?" she responded.
The Emperor and his Court broke out into laughter. Pitor got his reward and Emperor Erik stated, "Only in my empire could such a wise little girl be born."
Thank goodness! It's all over!
"What do you mean, all over petite? You have just begun," Gambit stated.
Stopped sulking now, huh?
Gambit scowled, but it was all broken by a young Illyana. "Brother!" she shouted as she ran up and Pitor picked her up, the pair having a joyful reunion.
I love happy endings.