Kaname was a bad lover.
Not because he forgot about his lover's birthday, hurt his lover's feeling or didn't care about his lover's welfare. He was a bad lover because he knew nothing about Zero. People laughed at him and sometimes they thought he was making a joke when he told them he knew nothing about Kiryu Zero, his lover for almost five years.
It wasn't his fault though, he assured himself again and again since the first day they were together. It was because Zero never opened up to him and never talked about his life. He rarely looked at Kaname's in the eyes and never once, not once - Zero told him that he loved him. He never saw Zero's smile... actually, he never saw Zero got angry too when he did something appalling such as forgetting their anniversary or when he treated as if Zero wasn't there when he was around his friends.
There was no expression on his face. He was blank, empty, and void of any emotions. It made Kaname think, what was the reason he fell in love with Zero? Was he the one who confessed? How did they end up together in the first place? Why did Zero agree to be his when all Zero did was staring at him like he wasn't worth it? It was a long time ago. He already forgot about it and it was not like he wanted to remember anymore.
He was dating a 'doll'.
At first, Kaname managed to tolerate with Zero being quiet and bored around him, as if his presence meant nothing at all. He could stand the lacked of psychical contact between them. No kiss, no hug, no holding hands, no caressing, no sweet talk and no romantic interaction. He was fine with it... only for a little while.
On his 23th birthday, Kaname was at his home, in his own room, looking at the starless night sky through his window. He stopped celebrating his birthday when he was eighteen, thinking that it was pointless and people were doing it only because they wanted free gifts and everyone's attention. Everyone wished him a birthday wish was enough for him; it showed that they cared even a little.
But...
Kaname took his cell phone and flipped the lid open. He stared at the screen and sighed dejectedly, tightening his grip on his phone. No message from Zero, like always. Kaname thought bitterly and closed his eyes; he threw the object in his hand to his desk and flopped down on his bed. Always like this, Zero was always like this. He wouldn't say anything to him today, but he would buy a gift for him tomorrow or the day after tomorrow and wish him a belated happy birthday. And the worst part was, Zero never meant it, he just knew.
Why did he bother trying to understand Zero anyway?
From the very beginning, it was pointless. Yet he still tried his best to protect something that wasn't there.
Kaname chuckled pathetically to himself; he couldn't leave Zero no matter what the boy did. Futile it may be, meaningless even. But he couldn't deny he was still in love with Kiryu Zero.
Just once, say 'I love you' to me and I wouldn't ask for anything from you anymore.
"...what am I thinking?" Wishing for something that wouldn't happen. Kaname's head snapped up to his phone lying on his desk. The brown-haired boy seemed to be in a deep thought before he stood and reached out for the phone and dialed the common number, calling the person who he knew would come and care to spend the night with him.
"Ruka?"
He was frustrated, angry maybe? He didn't care, at least not tonight. Tonight, he was going to have a little fun and he wouldn't let Zero invaded his mind.
Minutes later, a knock on a door and a grin appeared on his face. He let Ruka entered his house, let the girl feed him with the cake she bought, let the held his hand and let the girl leaned closer and closed the gap between them. Kaname noticed Ruka had feeling towards him, he knew she would do anything to be with him. Blatantly, he didn't hesitate to use this to his advantage. He just needed her body for tonight and acted like nothing happen between them when he done with her.
Look what your love had done to me.
They were in his bed, skin against skin, moans echoed throughout his room and Kaname, for the very first time felt like he was dying inside.
'I...' Kaname looked at the beautiful female under him, gripping his shoulders and whimpering weakly. 'This is wrong.' The image of Zero shyly wiped the cream from his lips after they finished having dinner together plagued his mind. 'I can't...'
Kaname was about to move away from her, trying to tell her how wrong this felt. But when the door swung open, he knew it was already too late.
"Zero..." Kaname hastily moved from Ruka and watched as the girl covered her body using the disheveled white sheet. She looked guilty, blaming herself for letting this went too far and Kaname couldn't get mad at her. It was his fault, not her. He was using his own friend.
"Zero, this-" to his surprise, Zero... bowed, whispering 'It's okay' and handed a cherry box filled with variety of his favorite cakes and a small keychain shaped into a glass piano. "Happy birthday Kaname." No expression on his face, no sadness and anger, just emptiness. With one kiss to his cheek from Zero, the shorter boy left.
It hurt.
What hurt the most was he didn't chase him, he didn't stop and he let him go.
'I may not be a good lover, but I will never betray you...' Zero had said that to him when he kissed his cheek a moment ago. 'I love you Kaname.'
"I know." Kaname mumbled, he didn't listen to Ruka telling him to chase Zero and set things right. The damage was too massive to be fixed. It was already too late.
X_X
Written by Wookie.