Cooking With Jubilee Again Uncut (Special Fanfiction.Net Edition!)
By Kairi Taylor
Directed by Quentin Tarantino
WARNING: The last time I wrote this, I was unable to really write the rest of the story because I lost the last 2 pages. So, I said, after days of serious thinking "Fuck it, let's put something new." There's naughty language ahead kiddies, not to mention scenes of really bizarre violence. You've been warned....By the way, this is really not meant to be published since the volume of foul language is quite, er, huge, so to whomever wants to post it, go ahead.
Author's Note: I ain't a nice guy.
(For all of you here at Fanfiction.Net, this is a special version of the story. You see Marvel has cancelled several titles as of late. These include Gambit, X-Man & unfortunately Generation X. Being very displeased with this announcement, I decided to make a special version of this story that had some commentary about Marvel. Ok, commentary my ass, I'm about to tear those out of touch, money humping shitheads a dozen new fucking assholes. Now there's a reason why this is rated R-and for future references anytime you see I wrote a story with an R rating I'm not going to be a saint. So, don't expect any highbrow humor or mercy towards anyone I set my sites on. There are a lot of references to my past work from the 'No Need For Hama!' series over at kindredspirits.cjb.net, so I suggest that you might wanna look at the series first to understand why Emma & Sean…oops almost gave that away. C'mon, read!)
(The scene is the kitchen. Jubilee & Paige are standing next to a stove with Kairi. All are wearing aprons. On the stove, a huge metal pot & pan await. Also nearby on the counter are several ingredients & a package of ground beef)
Jubilee: Hey folks, welcome to yet another tasty installment of Cooking With Jubilee!
Paige: Better known as edible disasters!
Jubilee: Cool it!
Paige: Well, it's true...
Jubilee: Anyway, today, I'm gonna make ya a special treat! We'll learn to cook...
Kairi: Ahem.
Paige: Hmmm?
Kairi: We're forgetting one detail.
Paige: Oh yeah. By the way folks, we don't work for Kairi. Marvel's the guys in charge. No one's earning any cash or anything, so don't sue.
Kairi: Yeah, that too. No, actually I was referring to another matter. Thanks to 'The Spaghetti
Incident'*, we had to make a few additions.
Jubilee: Are your neighbors still mad?
Kairi: The restraining order was the first clue, right?
Paige: What additions? (Kairi points outside the window. Jubilee pulls back the shades and sees squads of paramedics, police cars, S.W.A.T. vans, army battalions & a giant Mech standing at
attention)
Paige: Gee, hope you didn't forget anything.
Kairi: Yes, well, let's get down to business shall we?
Jubilee: Right. Today, we'll be making Kairi's personal recipe, Death Valley Chili.
Paige: Death Valley Chili? You mean...
Jubilee (nodding): Yes, the very same chili that's been outlawed in 20 countries.
Kairi: That's not true.
Paige: If I remember, No one food is responsible for the whole country of Bulgaria to come down with nationwide poisoning.
Kairi: well, the emissary was kind enough to apologize before taking back that declaration of war, right?
Jubilee: Then I guess we'll just ignore that little international law declaring it to be a biological weapon.
Kairi: Can we get on with this?
Paige: Yes we wasted enough time.
Jubilee: Right. First we're gonna need some ground beef (takes package of ground beef from counter) Oh, perfect, it's not fully defrosted. Well, I can easily fix that. (Taking off plastic wrapping, Jubilee uses her paffs (?) to defrost the beef.)
Paige: You know, they have a little invention called a microwave to heat that up.
Jubilee: And I suppose you have something much faster?
Paige: And more hygienic, I might add.
Jubilee: Well, it's defrosted, so the next thing you should do is get yourself a bottle of cooking oil & a frying pan, mainly the nonstick type.
(Kairi picks up the frying pan & pours in a little of the oil, spreading it around the pan, then sets it down on the stove & turns it on.)
Jubilee: Set the burner to 350 degrees & get set to put the ground beef in. Now for the spices & stuff.
Paige: Or, the main poisons.
Kairi: Hey, don't knock it until ya try it!
Paige: If I wanna live to see 80, I won't try it.
Jubilee: Look, is this "Cooking With Jubilee" or "Sarcasm for Dummies"? Chill out, comprende? Now let's see what we got...chili powder, black pepper, adobo, red pepper, ingredient X...huh?
Paige: And what, pretell, is ingredient X?
Kairi: I invoke my 5th amendment privileges.
Jubilee: Wait a sec, is this the same stuff you put in the burgers for the Avengers Banquet?
Kairi: Yep.
Paige: As I recall, the Avengers & half the guests were sent to the hospital to have their stomachs pumped!
Kairi: Look, who're ya gonna believe, me or some silver surfin' out of work jabroni who flew around puking on half the city?!
Paige: Dr. Doom barfed in his friggin' helmet!! When was the last time you heard Stan Lee scream 'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, PUT YOUR DAMN HELMET BACK ON!'?
Jubilee (totally ignoring them) Now, along with some diced onions & kidney beans, mix 'em in with the other stuff and--
Kairi: Wait, we're missing the most important ingredient!
Paige: What, potassium cyanide?
Jubilee: Ya know, for the so-called next leader of the X-Men, you seem to have more sarcastic wit than a whole 'Daria' marathon!
Paige: Well, when Jono ate some of that 'food', he managed to take out half of the lab while screaming for water. At least I THINK he said that. He was speaking in tongues half th--
Jubilee: He doesn't even HAVE a fuckin' mouth!! How'd the hell he eat it?!?
Kairi: Ok, ok, enough! I just wanna know where's that pepper at?
Washu: Right here (Washu enters the kitchen with a small basket & Hideo strapped to her back)
Jubilee: Hey, little Washu! What are you doing here?
Washu: Oh, you know, scientific experiments, taking care of our son here, raiding hidden patches of rare, top secret Nevada super peppers.
Paige: Super peppers? As if the cooking wasn't dangerous enough...
Jubilee: I guess this puts the 'Death Valley' in Death Valley Chili.
Paige: Now all you have to do is take the valley out & you have...
Kairi: Hey, people who mix pickles, French fries & vanilla ice cream for their teachers shouldn't talk!
Jubilee: Oh, Frosty wanted to thank ya for setting up the Lamaze classes for her.
Washu: Hey, no problem. By the way, where's the proud father?
(The scene shifts to a local cathedral, where Sean is speaking to a priest in a confessional)
Sean: So then father, Emma n' I find this flask o' strange whiskey. We drink some n' the next thing I know, we're stark nekkid! Then this weird gel, Washu, who's really some sort o' goddess or
sumthin', come's by with Kairi's little lad & tells us we're gonna be parents. Then—
Priest's Voice: Please stop, I've had it. My shrink's gonna commit me if I tell him another one of you psychos from the academy came here! First Hama, then Kairi & now this! I quit!
(We return to the kitchen with Paige & Jubilee. Washu has left & Kairi stepped out for a bit.)
Jubilee: Now that all the ingredients are mixed & cooking in the pan, we take our big pot right here & prepare to fill it with our stuff, but first we need to get the tomato paste.
Paige: Here's three cans (Paige holds up a few good sized cans of paste) but there's no can opener.
Jubilee: C'mon, use yer head! Think of something.
(Paige shrugs her shoulders &, using her husking powers, turns her hands to steel & rips the top of the cans off.)
Jubilee: O-kaaaay.... Now, draining the pan of oil, dump all of this stuff into the pan with the paste & boil 'em until it's time to eat.
Paige: How long will that take?
Jubilee: Well, we're in the middle of a story, right? All we have to do is wait for one of those messages to appear & we'll be set.
Paige: You mean like this?
SEVERAL MINUTES LATER.... WELL, MORE THAN LIKELY AN HALF HOUR. GIVE
ME A BREAK, I'M NOT EVEN TRUSTED BY MY OWN SISTER IN THE KITCHEN!!!
(Jubilee, Paige & Kairi are all at the table with Angelo, who has a bowl of the chili in front of him. Next to the bowl is a 2-liter bottle of 7up.)
Jubilee: Ok, now it's time for the taste test!
Paige: Do you want your last rites, Angelo?
Angelo: I ain't too sure about this amigo.
Kairi: Dude, don't worry, it's harmless.
Angelo: So what's with the soda?
Kairi: Screw you man, that's my soda.
(Angelo, real nervous slowly takes a bite. Several spoonfuls later...)
Angelo: Hey, this isn't too bad!!
Jubilee: Success!!!
Paige: Well, I'm surprised!
Angelo: Hey vato, you got dessert?
Kairi: Right here! (Kairi produces a tray of apple turnovers)
Paige: Wow, they smell so fresh!
Pillsbury Doughboy (popping out of nowhere): That's because Pillsbury Apple Turnove--
Angelo: Oh FUCK!
(Angelo proceeds to pull out a .44 Magnum & fires at the P.D., blowing him up)
Kairi: HOLY SHIT!
Jubilee: Angelo!! What the fuck are you doing?
Paige: Mother fucker! I've got dough all on my goddamned shirt!!
Kairi: He shot the fucking Doughboy!!
Angelo: I couldn't help it, he came outta nowhere!
Jubilee: Shit, man!! Well, it can't be helped. Let's clean up, Paige get the laundry, we'll get the mops.
Paige: Ok (picks up laundry basket) Nice smell to them.
Snuggles Bear (popping out from the basket) That's because Snuggles Fabric Softener uses---
Angelo: SHIT!!!
(One gunshot later, Snuggles is blasted all over the area.)
Paige (pissed): YOU DUMB FUCK!!! YA ALMOST BLASTED MY FUCKING HEAD OFF!!
Jubilee: Well, ya killed again, twitchy!!
Angelo: Dudes, just chill!!
Kairi: Chill my arse! You just killed the fucking Snuggles Bear!!! What's next, you barbecue Tony the Tiger? How 'bout nuking the Trix Rabbit? Or will you try out for the endangered species list & kill the last fucking Dodo?
Jubilee: I think it's time we ended this.
Paige: Well, at least Angelo's still breathing. Normally, Kairi's cooking is considered a lethal weapon.
Jubilee: You need to stop hanging out with Daria, ya know that?
(At this time, S.W.A.T. team members enter the fur & doughboy-gut filled room)
SWAT 1: We heard gunshots! Is everything all ri--- Oh, fer God's sake, what the hell is this?
Angelo: Well, uh, it's rather funny how this happened....
Paige: This bloodthirsty motherfucker just shot the Pillsbury Doughboy & the Snuggles Bear with a hand cannon.
Kairi: Paige!!
Paige: Hey, it's the truth.
SWAT 2: Damn, what the hell am I stepping in?
Jubilee: Looks like... ew, grossness!! Doughboy intestines!
SWAT 3: Oh, super fucking weak dude.... (Begins to puke on the floor)
Jubilee: Shit, now Frosty's gonna get pissed! We now have to deal with cleaning up dough & fur, as well as vomit.
Kairi: It still beats the midnight shift at McDonald's.
SWAT 1: Not so fast, we have to take the remains of the two victims for analysis.
Angelo: What remains? They were just blasted to the four corners of this kitchen!
SWAT 1: Look, Dirty Harry, it's not my fault you went apeshit. It's just standard procedure. (Walks over to get a glass of water)
Paige: Um, officer?
SWAT 1: Yes?
Paige: You just stepped on the Doughboy's head.
SWAT 1: Aw, shit!!
Stagehand (O.S.): Hey, Jubes!
Jubilee: Yeah, what is it!
Stagehand: The Corporation in charge of the Pillsbury DB & that really fucking cute bear wanna see you & the others in their office.
Jubilee: The hell?!
(Switch to the lobby of a big corporate building. Jubilee, Angelo & Kairi are talking while Paige looks at the directory.)
Angelo: So. How do you think they'll handle this?
Jubilee: Well, they were cute, cuddly tools of a faceless corporation, so most likely they'll probably try to find some way of horribly suing us to extinction.
Angelo: Hey, I just had a thought.
Paige (To herself): There's a first.
Angelo: We're still filming this. Is this really needed?
Jubilee: 'Course it is!! I wanna show the world how to deal with corporations in a real tense situation.
Kairi: Hey, look what's going on over there. (Kairi points to a bunch of kids & the Trix rabbit.)
T. Rabbit: C'mon, give me some! Is one bowl too much?
Kid 1: Look, for the last fucking time, get the hell outta our faces before we break your kneecaps!
Kid 2: Yeah, you punk ass rabbit! Don't you get it, you can't eat any, so fuck off!
Paige: Damn, you never see THIS in the commercials (Kairi starts walking over towards the little group.) Hey, Kairi, what are you doing?
Kairi: I've always wanted to do this. (Kids notice Kairi)
Kid 3: What do you want, slap nuts?
(In 4 seconds, Kairi boots the little punks, Akane-style, out of the building, through the roof.)
Kairi (Yelling to the sky): QUIT PICKING ON THE RABBIT!!! (Turns to the T. Rabbit & hands him some cash & a card) Look, here's a fifty. Go out & buy all the Trix & milk ya want on me. If anybody gets in yer face, just call us & we'll, uh, take care of business so to speak.
T. Rabbit: You can do that?
Angelo: Totally! Just ask the Lucky Charms gringo! No little kids will be stealing his food while he's still payin' us.
(Minutes later, the gang are in front of the law office of BFCR, or Big Faceless Corporate Represenitives.)
Jubilee: Look, we have an appointment with yer bosses, Ok? We're here on time, so can ya please stop what you're doing for just a moment & buzz us in?
Male Secretary: Look, I'm on my break, alrighty? I'm relaxing on my own time, & if it's on my time that you need to get in there, than tough. Just wait for twenty minutes 'til I'm good 'nd ready to let you in.
Angelo: Is it really that hard for you to just for ten seconds call your head honcho's & say we're on time for our appointment.
M.S.: Look, I don't give a rat's ass if you're on time or not, you're gonna wait & there's not a damn thing you can do about it....
(On cue, Kairi pulls out a golf club & whacks the M.S. across the head repeatedly, then proceeds to clothesline him, all the while beginning the process of pummeling him. At one point he shines the golf club, turns it sideways &...well let's just say it involves the M.Secretary's candy ass.)
Paige: Well, I guess this is one situation where total, unyielding violence pays off. (Doors to office open & a female rep comes out, accompanied by Warren Ellis.)
Female Rep: We're ready to see you now.
Ellis: Hey, how are you guys?
Jubilee: Can we talk? (Jubilee walks over to Ellis & socks him in the jaw.)
Ellis: Hey, what gives?
Jubilee: I'll tell ya what gives, you moron. The material you're writing for us is the most boring crap I've seen yet.
Ellis: Hey, I'm doing my best! Really!
Jubilee: YA KILLED OFF EVERETT, YA FUCKING BABBOON!! WE ARE NOT GEN 13, WE'RE GENERATION FUCKING X!!!!
Angelo: Warren, I think you better get together with Wood & come up with some better storylines, otherwise, we'll unleash her on you...WITHOUT her prozac.
Paige: Him too. (Points to Kairi, who has just finished pummeling his victim with a steel chair.)
Kairi: Ok, I'm set, lets go.
(Switch to the lawyer's office. Angelo, Jubilee, Kairi & Paige are shown to their seats. At the table are three lawyers in suits, a male lawyer, a female lawyer & an old male lawyer.)
Male Lawyer: Ah, welcome!
Female Lawyer: Glad you could make it!
Kairi: What the--
Angelo: This is scary. I've never known lawyers to be so...happy.
Paige: OK, What's up?
Old Lawyer: Our represenitives are kinda happy now, thanks to your rather violent actions as of late.
Kairi: They are?
O.L.: Yes, you see, they were not getting the results that they wanted. For years, we have been trying to tap into the youth of America.
Kairi: Dude, we do use your stuff. You have any idea the terrors of living on a college campus without good food, or having to endure sleeping next to a pile of dirty clothes?
Angelo: Think that's bad, amigo you should smell Jono's laundry!!!
M.L.: Yes, well with the rather unexpected brutal slaying of our mascots in your rather psychotic hands, we're poised to bring out the next generation of corporate mascots. (The Old Lawyer claps his hands & the Pillsbury Doughboy & the Snuggles Bear, or their clones, hop on the table)
Paige: Err...
Jubilee: Um, wow.
Angelo: Ok, can you explain what the hell is going on?
Kairi: They look exactly the same!
F.L.: Oh, but they're not. Just interact with them & see how they respond.
Jubilee: Alrighty. (Jubilee tries to poke P.D. in the stomach. Her hand is slapped away by the Doughboy.)
P.D.: Hey! Don't touch me or I'll beat the shit outta ya, ugly ass mofo!
Jubilee: WHAT? Listen bitch, I'll beat the living daylight outta ya--(Paige & Angelo began to restrain Jubilee)
Kairi: Did the Pillsbury Doughboy just say what I thought he said?
M.L.: What, shit?
Kairi: No, mofo.
O.L: Well, we're only trying to reflect the personalities of the youth of today.
Jubilee: Someone's been watching WAYYYY too much South Park!
Angelo: At least they kept the little bear nice & cuddly.
Snuggles: You bet your fucking ass I'm cute, jerk off! Let me tell ya, you don't buy our product, I'm coming to your house & I'll bust a cap all in yo' ass, ugly ass gray mutha fucka!!
Angelo: YOU LITTLE (Angelo starts cursing in Spanish. Which would have been a riot had the author not totally stunk at Spanish back in high school.)
Kairi: You can't seriously be thinking about releasing these two twisted foul-mouthed bastards on the food industry, do you? This'll cause a major catastrophe! Little kids will be heavily warped even more than what daytime soaps, talk shows or the Republican Convention has already done.
O.L.: Well, if you didn't kill off our previous mascots, we wouldn't be having this discussion, would we?
Angelo: Who the hell told you to put those little castrated butt fuckers on anyway?
P.D.: Hey, don't talk to our boss like that, shit eater!!
Angelo: Fuck you, koala-raping asswipe!!
(A shrill whistle is blown. Paige lowers the whistle from her mouth & crosses her arms.)
Paige: Clearly, this can't be settled by rational minds. If you will agree to it, there is one place to put this to rest.
Kairi: You mean Judge Mills Lane?
Paige: No, I was actually thinking of a place where you would have an advantage (whispers to self) & if this plan works, we'll kill two birds with one stone.
Jubilee: Where?
(Cut to the Kitchen Arena, home to the Iron Chef show. The stage area is darkened as the audience awaits the battle that is about to occur. In the audience, Washu, Paige & Ranma are watching)
Ranma: Ok, let me see if I understand this. You've gotten the five most dangerous cooks among our group & pitted them against the lawyers & the two mascots in a cooking contest?
Paige: Yes indeedie!!
Ranma: What the hell are you thinking?
Paige: Don't worry, with Washu's help, this will all make sense!
Washu: Or start a disaster that could possibly destroy downtown Tokyo.
Ranma: Godzilla's done that to death already, so it really wouldn't make a difference.
(A spotlight is lit as the show's host, Takeshi Kaga, walks into the arena)
Kaga: If memory serves me right, there was a time when cute mascots were kept timeless by their carefree attitudes & their willingness to please us, no matter what. Unfortunately, in these changing times, corporations greedy for money have tainted their true purpose, making them tools of the almighty yen.
Kairi (O.S.): Dollar!
Kaga: Whatever. Today, two warring factions will decide the fate of the food mascot world! (Bites into yellow pepper)
Ranma: When will he ever finish eating that pepper?
Paige: It's kinda like asking when will we see a decent Police Academy movie-never.
(All the lights are turned on in the Kitchen Arena. On stage are the lawyers & the two evil mascots, who are met with a chorus of boos.)
P.D.: Eh, fuck you dinner mashers!
Snuggles: Fluff this! (Gives audience the finger & grabs his crotch.)
Kaga: Now, for our champions. They are among our most feared, most sinister, most dangerous Iron Chefs here. Their cooking is so hazardous, our usual panel of celebrity judges flat out refused to come, out of fear for their lives, as well as their fully functioning digestive systems. I present to you-THE FIVE DEADLY VENOMS!!
(On cue, the Five Deadly Venoms, which comprise of Kairi, Jubilee, Ryoko, Ayeka & Akane, appear on stage. Yeah, like you didn't see Akane's arrival a mile away.)
Ayeka: This is so humiliating...
Ryoko: Hey, somebody had to tell you the truth about your cooking, Princess.
Ayeka: Like you haven't poisoned your share of people, monster!
Jubilee: Yeah, this'll go smoothly.
Akane: Why did Washu give us this stuff (holds up beaker of red liquid.)?
Kairi: Dunno, guess it's a special ingredient.
Kaga: I searched all over the market for a special theme ingredient to match the importance of today's battle. One which reflects the passion of the champion's ideals. One that would test the mettle of the corporation's skills. One that would...
Kyle (from offstage): TELL US THE FUCKING INGREDIENT!!!
Kaga: Geez, ok! Here it is!
(A basket is lowered onto the stage. Inside the basket is some baking goods.)
Akane: What should we make?
Ryoko: How about a bundt cake?
Ayeka: Yes, with some nice strawberry topping.
Jubilee: Sounds like a plan to me.
(The respective groups start on their food items)
Ranma: Can this work?
Washu: Hmmmm well...(A large flame shoots from a pot that Akane & Kairi are working at) stranger things have happened.
(One hour later...)
Kaga: Let's see, what does the Faceless Corporation have for us?
(The lawyers & the two twisted mascots wheel out a 7-layer, lemon frosted wedding cake.)
P.D.: Yeah, what do ya think of that, beotch?
Yuffie (offstage): Oh Kairi....
Kairi: That little bastard's gonna get his.
Akane: Well, here's our stuff.
(Ryoko & Jubilee wheel out three huge strawberry bundt cakes, each a neon color.)
Ayeka: A little larger than what we planned, but perfect nonetheless.
Jubilee: But we did go over board on the food coloring.
Akane: Say guys?
Ryoko: Yeah?
Akane: Why are the cakes moving?
(Suddenly, one of the cakes jumps off the cart, proceeding to attack & devour the Pillsbury Doughboy.)
Paige: Yes!
Ranma: What was that stuff you gave 'em?
Washu: An advanced bio-chemical formula that I had stored away. It brings life to all food products. Unfortunately, they become rather bloodthirsty.
(Another bundt cake is snacking on the Snuggles bear's head while at the same time, the last of the bundt cakes is devouring the lawyers.)
Jubilee: You think we should stop this?
Kairi: Well...(Kairi watches as one of the cakes is eating The Commission On SuperHuman Activities.) They do have their uses. (Smiling as sinister as he could, he pulls Big Daddy Bob outta nowhere & tosses him to the cakes.)
Kyle: Oh my God, They killed Big Daddy Bob! Oh, wait that's good!
Jubilee: Ok, we REALLY have to stop them now. Ryoko?
Ryoko: Right. (Ryoko lets loose a series of energy blasts that totally destroys the cakes. Unfortunately, the Kitchen Arena is destroyed in the process.)
Akane: Uh oh.
Jubilee: We're in some deep shit. Well, that ends another segment of Cooking With Jubilee. Join us next time when we make homemade pretzels!
(Cut to Yuffie in front of the wedding cake with Kairi. She has a piece of cake in her hands.)
Yuffie: C'mon one bite won't hurt ya!
Kairi: I'll eat the cake just as soon as you explain why HE is here! (Points to priest, who is accompanied by Godo, Yuffie's dad.)
Godo: I'm so happy for you two!
Kairi: You're not related to Soun, are you?
(Cut to Marvel HQ. Bob Harras is working in his office while a bunch of primates of many different varieties are typing at desks.)
Bob: Well, so far, what the mandrills came up with is utterly silly, out of continuity & has logic only an idiot who had his face hit with a shovel would understand. It's perfect for a X-Men series! (An intern comes in.)
Intern: Bob, the CEO wants to know what to do about the X titles- baboon shit, 12 O' clock!! (Both duck as baboon poop flies past the office)
Bob: Well let's see. We can either improve upon the quality of the titles themselves trying to make our fans care as well as listen to their suggestions. Or I'll just cancel some titles to make it easier & try to make money off the rest of the X-titles &-chimp shit, duck (Both duck down.) & not change a thing. Ah what the hell, I never really liked that Cajun bastard anyway.
Intern: But wouldn't it make more sense to improve our quality? We've been getting a lot of heat from the fans & any new readers are instantly confused by the chaos. I mean, how many different groups are fighting the X-Men alone?
Bob: Fuck the fans? Those assholes wouldn't do anything to jeopardize us! We're the only good American comics company they got! Those mindless dipshit fan boys will do what we say!
Intern: What about DC?
Bob: Fuck DC. They haven't had a good movie or video game for eons (Authors note: Don't believe me? Go watch Superman 4 & Batman & Robin. Then go play Superman 64 & Batman Beyond for Playstation. Call me after you're through tossing your VCR & game systems out the window.)
Intern: Well what about Image—
Bob: Wigga please!
Intern: Well there's always Oni Press.
Bob: Like anyone reads an independent comic book. Those assholes don't mean anything to us, remember, it's all about the money. Now get the word out. While you're out get that orangutan shit cleaned up.
(Three weeks later. All hell is loose at the academy.)
Jubilee: WE'RE FUCKING CANCELLED? WHAT KIND OF BULLSHITTING NONSENSE IS THIS?!
Paige: Damn, I knew it. Kairi always said that retarded baboons ran Marvel, but I never figured he'd be onto something!!
Monet (Entering room.): I take it you've also had heard how Nathan, Remy & Bishop took the news.
Paige: You mean how Remy broke into Mark Powers' house & put his staff real far up the nether regions of his you know what?
Jubilee: I though that Remy would stick it up his ass. I never figured it would go in THAT little hole.
Paige: It's nothing compared to the torture session that Nathan & Bishop is putting Jason Liebig through. It's so ungodly that any description of it has been outlawed in 10 countries.
Monet: Really?
Jubilee: Yeah. Only thing I learned is that a rubber ducky, some electrodes & peanut butter somehow fit in. (Ranma & Duo come in.)
Ranma: Hey, sorry to hear about what Marvel did.
Monet: Yes, it is quite an unfortunate occurrence. Did you inform Kairi?
Duo: Yeah, um that's the thing. We haven't told him yet. You see, he's in a pretty bad mood now.
Jubilee: How bad?
Duo: Look outside. (Everyone look outside one of the windows to see Kairi stomping a mud hole into Tito98310 against a tree.)
Kairi: Now don't take this ass kicking too personally dude, I'm just pissed off that you took a beloved cartoon & turned it into a sick & pathetic shadow of it's glorious self.
Tito: C'mon man, I'm sorry! Isn't that enough?
Kairi: No. (Punches Tito in the crotch. Holding him by his legs, Kairi screams 'WAZZUP!!!'. From the top of the tree, a voice screams "WAZZUP!!" & out of nowhere, Penny drops an elbow onto Tito's crotch.)
Monet: Think we should tell him?
Paige: Hey, that's that jerk who wrote 'The Secret Life of Inspector Gadget'!!
Ranma: Really? I heard that the guild put a death bounty on him.
Paige: Should we tell him?
Monet: I've seen Kairi angry before. But in the agitated mood he's in, he might just go berserk & kill him.
Duo: You're right. (Screaming out window.) HEY KAIRI, GUESS WHAT? MARVEL'S CANCELLED GENERATION X!!!
Kairi: WHAT? THOSE LOUSY BUFFALO FUCKING—(The earth is shaking as Kairi is reaching a level of rage unknown to him.)
Jubilee: This'll be fun.
Monet: Oh shit.
Tito: Fuck me with a sledgehammer! I'm outta here! (Tito tries to crawl away.)
Kairi: NOW FEEL MY WRATH!! (Kairi clotheslines Tito, then proceeds to take the tree by the trunks & rip it up from the ground. He repeatedly smashes the tree over & over onto Tito, laughing maniacally. With a final thrust, the tree is smashed over Tito. Then Kairi takes out a huge Akane-brand mallet & smashes the tree with it.)
Kairi: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT NOW, HUH? IT ISN'T SO FUNNY WHEN SOMEONES BEATING YOU, IS IT? IS IT?!!!!
Monet: Well, that level of violence is uncalled for. (Yelling out the window.) KAIRI, DON'T WASTE YOUR ENERGY ON HIM!! GO TO MARVEL!!
Kairi: Huh? Oh yes, you're right, (Walks off with an aura of blue energy building around him.)
Jubilee: Hey Penny, c'mon in!
Penny: Ok. But there's something I must do. (Turning to the tree, Penny puts her hands to her sides & cups them.)
Paige: Um, what is she doing?
Duo: She wouldn't…
Penny: KAMEHAME-HA!!!! (Penny releases the Kamehame-ha at the tree, launching it & Tito into the horizon.)
Jubilee: Ouch. That'll leave a mark.
(2 hours later. The group is watching TV.)
News reporter: A bizarre scene unfolded at Marvel Offices today. A young man, identified only as Kairi, destroyed 2 floors of the office while killing various primates & making chief editor Bob Harras hang from a flagpole in his boxers covered in taco sauce while singing 'Shut Your Fucking Mouth, Uncle Fucker' using only his pinky finger.
(Cut to destroyed office. Pigeons are pecking at Bob while he's singing.)
Bob: Shut your fucking mouth uncle fucker—OWW, not there! You're a boner biting ass licking uncle fucker—HEY!! Definitely not there!!)
News Reporter: When asked if they would intervine, Avengers leader Captain America said, quote 'Are you out of your goddamn mind?' Spider Man, who was at the scene was reported as saying 'Fuck Bob, he's the reason my wife is dead, the backstabbing cocksucking yesman.
Jubilee: Quite a month, huh?
Monet: Yes it was. Well what do you wanna do?
Penny: Let's make some pie.
Paige: Sure, just as long as Jubilee in not involved in the process.
Jubilee: Now let's not get this started again.
END
Author's Final Note: Yes, indeed what a strange, foul mouthed journey this story is. I guess you noticed that I mentioned a certain writer in here. Well all I have to say is this- Tito, I'm not done with you yet. Not by a long shot.
Anyway, I'm thinking about doing a sequel to this. It would be mainly focused on Marvel itself. The question is
A) What recipe should I present (No, no fucking poontang pie!! I ain't the Rock & I don't do Lemon fics!!
B) How much more foulmouthed can I get?
Review please!! Any will do, even if you flame me. Course, I'll just track you down &…oops there goes my homicidal tendencies again. Later…