A/N: For chellemaria. Reads as if the events in my Shiva tag, When It All Came Crashing Down, actually happened after Ziva's dad died. Hey guys, here's a little one-shot to tide you over while I continue wrestling with details for MIT. Hope you enjoy! :) Love ~Aliyah
You just made the biggest mistake of your life DiNozzo. You walked away, let her go. That was your chance and you blew it.
Tony slouched in front of his muted TV, a half-filled beer bottle held loosely in one hand. He'd been telling himself the same thing for three days, but no matter how much he regretted getting on that plane without her, the outcome was impossible to change. Dragging his palm over sandpaper cheeks, Tony heaved a soul deep sigh and debated whether he should actually go to bed tonight or just fall asleep in his clothes like he'd done every night since returning from Israel. So far he hadn't told anyone he was back. Gibbs probably knew, but for once the man was letting him wallow in peace. Tony just couldn't handle facing the others and trying to explain why he came back alone. He still wished things hadn't ended this way.
The clock flipped to 12:32 am and a soft knock marred the silence. Such an unexpected sound faded away and Tony wondered if he'd heard anything at all. Moments later it came again and his brow furrowed. Who would be showing up this late anyways? In years past an after midnight visitor was almost always his partner, coming to offer comfort or with a need she'd never actually let herself say out loud. But now...
Tony's mystery guest knocked again and he set his drink on the coffee table, rising to his feet and slowly making his way to the door. When it swung open to reveal the familiar figure of a woman who'd unwittingly claimed his heart when she sauntered into the bullpen and asked if he was having phone sex, he could only stare. The light in Ziva's eyes when she saw him faltered with his continued silence but Tony could barely get the words out.
"Please tell me you're not a hallucination," he managed hoarsely, voice rusty from disuse. It was the first time he'd spoken since boarding the plane.
Her lips curved in the faintest shadow of a smile and she reached out to squeeze his hand. "Do I feel like a hallucination Tony?"
His name on her tongue was nearly Tony's undoing and he pulled her into his chest, holding on so tight she probably found it difficult to breathe. "Thank God you're real," he whispered into her hair. Her body felt so right pressing against his and she fit in his arms like she belonged there. But before he could relax and enjoy the contact, he had to know. Tony let go like he'd been burned and took a step back. "What are you doing here?"
Ziva invited herself inside, in no hurry as she set down the bag he only just noticed she was carrying and took off her coat, hanging it on the hook beside his. She looked more relaxed than she'd been in Israel, he noted, but a fine vein of tension that found a mirror in him only a thousand times worse kept her posture impeccable and her expression a bit forced. She cast her gaze around the room and clasped her hands. "Do you have tea?"
The request as an answer to his question caught Tony off guard and he could only point to the kitchen. Ziva found the cupboard easily, having learned her way around long ago, and filled the kettle. Strained silence settled between them while she waited for it to boil and fixed her drink with great care. Finally she carried the mug to his couch and perched on one end. Anxious for some sort of explanation, Tony joined her cautiously, his knee bouncing rapidly up and down with nervous energy.
A small sip loosened her tongue and Ziva met his eyes for the first time. "I realized something after you left."
After you made me leave, Tony corrected silently, tasting the bitterness of her choice.
Seeing that he wasn't going to make this easy, she continued. "Just because I have vowed to let go of the badge and leave that way of life behind does not mean I have to let go of everyone connected to that life." She swallowed. "I thought I had to do this alone, start over, but if I am to follow my heart remaining in Israel was not possible."
Tony didn't allow himself any hope. "What does that mean Ziva?"
Ziva set her tea aside and moved closer to him, so close he could feel the heat from where her leg touched his, and brought both hands up to cradle his face. She was wearing the same grey sweater from the orchard, spun wool soft against his skin. "In Israel you told me you were fighting for me. No one ever has and I could not...understand, or accept that. But I know what I want and I am ready to...fight for you too." She held her breath at the end, ill at ease as she waited for his response. Never before had she put herself out there in such a way and been willing to give her heart into the care of a man. But this man she knew and Ziva trusted him with everything. The question only remained if he wanted all of her.
Tony released a shaky breath and slid his hand over hers. "Why do you think I spent a whole summer searching for you, hunting you down, following your steps? Since the explosion...since Somalia, all I've wanted is you."
A sheen of tears glossed Ziva's eyes as she remembered his barely spoken words under the cover of darkness on the night of her father's murder. He blinked against his own surge of emotion and suddenly Tony's lips were on hers, possessing her mouth fiercely, pouring everything out in a deep kiss that far rivaled their brief exchange at an Israeli airport. She cried when he let her go and Tony wrapped his arms around her, burying his face in her neck.
Finally he cleared his throat and leaned back, using both thumbs to rub away the wet tracks on her cheeks. "I guess I lied about DiNozzo men not crying."
Ziva dragged a sleeve across her face. "I will not tell. And I am glad not to be the only suck."
He chuckled lightly. "Sap." Tony blew out a breath, absorbing the enormity of the last few minutes. "I never should've left you."
She trailed her fingers over his and held on. "Maybe I would not have figured this out if I had not thought I lost you." And with him all that was left to make sense of her world. Ziva brought her hands back to his cheeks and touched her lips to his as if testing the waters.
Tony responded immediately, a bit in awe at being allowed to touch her that way finally, and shifted back several inches when it ended. He ran his hand down a section of her hair. "What're you going to do now?"
She pulled on knee up and rested her chin on it, shrugging. "I do not belong in Israel anymore. There is too much hurt, too much fear. I miss the innocence I carried in that house, those first untainted years. Nothing is left for me in my country of birth and that makes me sad, in a way. But," Ziva studied him, "America is my home now. I have...family here, good friends, a history that is not full of shadows. I'm going to stay."
His brow furrowed. "What about your apartment?" She'd been gone so long and unexpectedly, surely the lease had lapsed by now.
"Gibbs put everything in storage for me, but I was hoping..." At this point her gaze strayed to the floor, drawing courage from the carpet weave to return to his. "Could I stay here, with you, for a few days?"
Tony abruptly stood and strode away, leaving Ziva wondering if she'd somehow misread the entire situation, but he was back in less than a minute and sitting facing her again, rolling the band of a delicate diamond ring between his thumb and forefinger. He stared at it intently, then locked eyes with her. "This is for you." He laid it in her palm, though her mouth open slightly in shock demanded an explanation. "It was my mom's, one of the only things I have left from her."
Ziva didn't understand. "Tony..."
He curled her fingers around the jewellery. "I want you to have it."
She licked her lips, totally distracting him. "Tony, this is an engagement ring."
"Yes it is." He took her other hand, bringing it to his lips, a reflection of his actions in the orchard. "I let you say it and I never said it back, I just kissed you and walked away. I love you Ziva."
"You said it," she reminded him softly.
"Oh." He'd let himself forget that she'd heard him that night nine months ago and once again it became a thing they never talked about. "Well, I never said it to your face. So there, I love you and I meant it when I said I wanted you to come home with me. Not just in the seat beside me, but with me."
"I know."
"Good." Tony tightened his grip on her hand. "This is the last time I want to spend months separated, not knowing where you are and if you're okay. I want something real and permanent and I want it with you. So hold onto that, think really hard about if you can handle what I mean. If your answer is yes, next time I'll ask the way you deserve."
Ziva held her closed fist to her heart and shut her eyes. Then she smiled slightly. "I want to not be alone anymore."
He grinned. "I think I can help you with that. For starters, I didn't answer your question - you are more than welcome to stay." Forever, his heart added in the breath after.
"Thank you." She picked up her tea but it had long since grown cold and Tony took the mug, dumping light brown liquid down the sink and offering his hand. Ziva accepted gratefully and he snagged her bag on the way by. He dropped it on the right side of the bed where she'd always slept when they shared, making his point quite clear that the couch, if she'd ever considered it, was not an acceptable option. She unzipped the small duffle, producing pyjamas and a toothbrush, and tucked the ring safely in a small pocket. Being the gentleman he was raised as, Tony gave her a couple minutes to change without staying in direct line of sight and Ziva joined him in the bathroom.
Toothpaste foam grins and silly, dripping expressions kept her amused the entire two minutes and ruined her concentration, but after he'd rinsed and wiped his face Tony got serious. "What about a job Zi?"
The old familiar nickname was a balm to her soul. "I am not thinking about that right now." He frowned and she fiddled with her toothbrush handle. "Everything my father left became mine. During my travels I liquidated every asset except the house in Be'er Sheva. Work is not a priority right now." She had a small fortune in diamonds hidden safely away, but that information did not need to be shared tonight.
Tony tangled their fingers. "What is?"
Ziva shook her head, soft waves swishing around. "Sleeping. Reading. Cooking. Dancing. Playing. I want to make up for the years I missed being a soldier instead of enjoying this life. I want to play tourist in my own city and spending hours wandering through a museum without looking for or baiting a target. I want to go to movies and run because I love it and to enjoy a beautiful day instead of for training. I want to find out what I love because so much of it was chosen for me. I want to draw and paint and ride horses and see children smile and stay in bed until noon just because I can." She paused for a moment. "And eat breakfast for supper because I have always wanted to do that but it was never allowed and I could not make myself break his rules even here. I want to grow flowers and travel and sing and play with puppies and pick apples from the tree. I want to make something with my hands instead of using them to tear down. I want to live."
She concluded her list with a brilliant smile that Tony had to feel against his own lips. "I think that sounds like a fabulous idea." They indulged in the kiss and then he led her back to his room and stopped to clasp the small Star of David from his pocket around her neck. "And what would you have from me Ziva David? I told you I would change with you. What's on my list? I'd do anything you asked, even give up movies." Although he did hope she wouldn't go that far.
"Do not," Ziva urged, allaying his fears. "That is one of the things I love about you." Her hands slid up his chest. "I love you too." She clutched the necklace. "Thank you for taking care of this for me."
He rested his forehead on hers, vulnerability out full force. "Be as careful with my heart, okay?"
"Tony," she said softly, "you have my most sincere promise." He pulled away when she leaned up to join their lips again and her brow furrowed.
Tony lifted a finger to trace her mouth. "Of any relationship I've ever had, this is the one that would ruin me if I screwed it up. I want to do things right with you Ziva, slow and careful instead of rushing in because I-we? have wanted this so long." She nodded to confirm his question. "So I'm not going to kiss you inside this room or while we're lying in bed." His lips quirked up in a half-grin. "Too much temptation."
There was wonder in Ziva's dark chocolate gaze and she pressed her face into his t-shirt. "No one has ever respected me like that."
His arms came around her. "I'm going to do my best to give you what you deserve. You, my beautiful, amazing best friend, are worth waiting for."
At that she squeezed him in a tight hug and let go, retreating to her side of the bed. She sat down carefully and reached into her bag for the ring. Ziva gently touched the gold circle laying innocently in her palm. "When did you decide this belonged to me?"
Tony's jaw clenched and he focused away from her. "When we brought you back alive."
Somalia. The memory of it hit her like a blow and she suddenly found breathing a challenge. "That was almost four years ago." All this time he'd been keeping it inside?
He sighed. "Tell me when the right time was Ziva, when we might've been able to make things work with us."
Time past unrolled before her eyes and she had to concede his point. "We did not even try until after the explosion." If it had ever been possible, that might've been the time. "And then my father..." When she'd abandoned all reason and become Mossad again for the sake of another cause. So much pain and loss because she refused to let that go. "I'm sorry." She owed him for all the time they'd missed.
Tony rounded the end of the bed and gently rubbed her back. He bent down to whisper in her ear. "I had the ring in my pocket as I was leaving for the airport, when a visit was supposed to be just about spending time with you instead of finding myself several steps behind for the entire summer."
She slid it back in the bag. "I don't know what to say."
"Tell me how I can change Ziva, tell me what I can do to make your choice worth the courage it took."
After a minute of thought she looked up. "Have eyes only for me Tony. Please try not to mention other women, I am not confident enough about this step to handle competition too. Do not drink to get drunk. And always, always wear your vest because I cannot bear the thought of losing you." She remembered her early days on the team and smiled hopefully. "No more suits? I find you very attractive in more practical and casual attire."
"Okay," he nodded, "all doable." And almost too easy. At some point her hand had ended up in his and Tony continued holding it like a great treasure. "I'll leave NCIS in the past Zi, if that needs to be part of the deal. I haven't gone in yet. I've been gone five months, Vance may want to re-think giving my badge back. And I can find something else, something different to match what you need."
Ziva shook her head. "No. Return to NCIS Tony. You are a cop. It is what you were born to do. And I love you for wanting to help others and find justice for victims and their loved ones. You deserve that badge."
The desire to break his word about kissing her in the bedroom almost overwhelmed him and he reluctantly put some space between them, taking in his apartment in a glance as he turned around. "Don't get too comfortable here." One eyebrow arched at the change in subject. "I'm moving."
Her head tilted the side. "Is that a recent development?"
"Well, the sniper kind of killed my homey environment, though the incident with my dad last year didn't help. And this place, it's cold Ziva, sterile. I call it my sanctuary but it may as well be a prison where I came to be alone so nothing could touch me." Tony's gaze found hers. "I don't want to feel alone anymore and I want to make a new start. Will you do that with me?"
She smiled. "If you are asking for my help, the answer is yes. How long do you think before Gibbs comes banging on your door and drags you back?"
Tony counted on his fingers. "I have eighteen days of leave left, but my best guess is he'll give me half that if I'm lucky." He flashed her a half-grin. "You doing anything tomorrow?"
Ziva moved her head from side to side. "Besides sleeping until noon, I have no other plans."
"Good." He yawned and pulled back the covers. "I'm thinking a very late breakfast at the bakery around the corner and a long afternoon of walking down any promising leads in the classifieds. Sound good?"
She settled beside him as if they'd done this every night of their friendship and rested her hand over his heart. "Yes Tony. Normal sounds very good."
NCIS
In the middle of the night, which was really early morning since they hadn't gone to sleep until around two, Tony woke with a start and pulled Ziva, who was laying innocently on her side a few inches away, tight against his chest. She was instantly alert, force of habit, and tensed as she tried to discern the source of the threat. It didn't help that Tony wouldn't let her move even a little and she struggled at the constraint. "Tony."
He adjusted his hold immediately, giving her the freedom to breathe, and uttered the hushed answer to an unspoken question into her hair. "I didn't want you to be gone when I woke up." How many times over those endless weeks had he dreamed of finding her only to have that hope ripped away when morning rays of sunshine entered whatever room he'd holed up in for exhaustion driven rest?
Ziva slid her hand to the back of his neck, her fingers sifting through the fine hairs at his nape, giving silent reassurance. "I made a promise," she whispered finally. "I do not break them."
Tony nodded slightly. "Okay," he managed. "Good to know."
She placed her palm on his chest, pleased to see that his heartbeat was slowly leveling out, and smiled slightly. "I'm going back to sleep now."
His heavy gaze followed the return to her previous position. "Does it have to be all the way over there?" Skeptically eyeing the minimal space between their bodies, she looked at him for an explanation. Tony sighed. "Do I have to spell it out for you?"
"Saying what you mean would be helpful, yes."
Frustrated, he threw his arm out. "Did you miss the part where I love you?"
Ziva shook her head slowly. "No, that I remember quite clearly." She'd only desired that confession since...since...well, for a long time anyways.
"Or what I said about respecting you?" Again her answer was negative and he sighed. "So why the aversion to cuddling with me?"
"I am not...adverse to being close," she confided, keeping her eyes on the sheet.
That was it and Tony pinched the bridge of his nose. "Help me out here Ziva, please."
"I am afraid of getting used to it!" she spit out. "I am afraid of having one more thing that can be taken away."
He wanted so desperately to yank the ring out of her bag and push it with finality onto her finger to disprove her fears, but he'd left that matter in her hands and he sure as anything wasn't going to jump ahead on this of all things. Instead he grasped her fingers. "I'm safe Zi, I promise. It's okay to get used to being here, being home where you belong."
She swallowed. "That reality may...take some time to drop in."
Tony took a breath. "Let me try this again. Ziva, I've spent months trying to get closer to you. I'd really like it if you slept here," he pointed to the space directly in front of him, "beside me and in my arms. Will you?"
Ziva hesitated a good long while before moving back to where she'd ended up when he awoke in a panic. Once so close he could feel the heat from her skin, she took time deciding if she was going to lay down facing him or facing away. He almost liked it better when she chose facing away, because that way he could tuck her right against his body and enjoy the puzzle piece effect of how well they fit. Despite the obscenely early hour she had a difficult time returning to sleep, so unfamiliar was the position, but gradually the feel of his chest rising and falling against her back lulled her into dreams and she couldn't remember the last time being in bed had felt so peaceful.
NCIS
Gibbs gave them eight days. He showed up at Tony's apartment on Friday when they were elbow deep in half-packed boxes and the former (and reinstated) senior field agent got the headslap of a lifetime for keeping his partner a secret. Leroy Jethro Gibbs said nothing but 'Welcome home Ziver' when he wrapped his adopted daughter in his arms. Ziva held on tight, not able to hide the tears that came when he claimed her yet again. Stepping back, the team leader surveyed Tony's chaotic apartment.
"Find a place yet?"
Tony shook his head. Not for lack of trying though. They'd looked at rental units until he was sick to death of four walls, but nothing had been right.
Gibbs handed him a piece of paper. "Try this." He turned to walk out, then looked back and pointed at Tony. "You. Office. Monday. No excuses." He left as suddenly as he'd turned up and Tony frowned at the address.
"How does he do that Ziva?"
She smiled and shrugged, content to live with the mystery of how their boss operated.
Almost ready to give up, Tony agreed to go see one last place. Of course, because it was Gibbs, the apartment was just what they were looking for and more. A huge, beautiful kitchen for Ziva to putter around in, a decent sized living area with space for Tony's prized TV and expansive movie collection, their own laundry, a four piece bath, and even a spare bedroom. Grumbling about the unreal experience, he nonetheless signed his name on the lease right next to Ziva's and just like that they had their own apartment.
Two incredibly long days and twenty trips back and forth between the two places later, plus the extra he paid so someone else would move the bigger furniture and getting Ziva's things delivered from storage, Tony and Ziva could finally say they were moved in. Nothing was where it should be, boxes were being tripped over at every turn, the fridge held only milk and yogurt picked up at the corner store, but Tony didn't know the last time he'd been so happy. Caught up in the moment he swept Ziva into his arms and hugged her for a long time before kissing her, short and sweet, right on the mouth. "Thanks," was all that came out and though her mind and heart were both in a muddle she recognized what it meant to him that they'd made it here together. Now the question remained about what that really meant.
NCIS
Soon after they moved in came a night Tony lay in bed for ten minutes before realizing Ziva hadn't just been doing something in the spare room but planned to sleep there. Another quarter hour was passed running over everything from the last several days and trying to find a reason why she might've moved rooms. When nothing came to him he got up and wandered out, tapping lightly on the partially closed door before pushing it open. "Hey."
Ziva was curled on her side, half-way to sleeping, and looked up with confusion in her eyes. "Hi."
Tony studied her briefly. "Did I, uh, do something wrong?" Her brow crinkled and he gestured to the bed. "It's just...usually you sleep in my-our-" he fumbled with the phrasing because nothing permanent had been decided yet despite his hopes. "Look, we've been sharing for weeks. What changed?"
Her fingers wrapped around his wrist and she tugged gently. "Come here." He obliged and sat gently beside her. Ziva rubbed one thumb over his palm. "You have done nothing wrong Tony." On the contrary, he'd been about as close to perfect as a human man was capable of since the night she showed up on his doorstep.
"Then why am I alone in that bed tonight?" he asked quietly.
"I am...a very private person," she began. "And though I have never been more...content than these last few weeks with you, I think it finally hit me how much has changed." Ziva sighed and tried to pull her knees to her chest in a classic defensive position but his body blocked her movement. "Everything happened so fast Tony - coming back, finding this place and moving in, learning how to live differently, us." He wasn't sure what it meant that they came last in the last. "Sometimes I may just need a little space to process it all."
Tony swallowed, gripping her hand. "So this isn't a...forever change?" Sleeping beside her and often intertwined, though still fully clothed, had become such a part of his routine that he didn't think going back was possible.
It could've been a trick of the light, but he swore Ziva David actually blushed. "No," she said finally, "I will not stay here."
"Good." Tony brushed his hand over her hair and bent down, covering her mouth with his. He could feel her surprise and smiled against her skin. "I didn't promise not to kiss you inside this room."
Ziva drew him a breath closer and gave herself to the kiss in a way she was often afraid to. Nothing had ever felt so real and some days it scared her into inaction. "I love you," she whispered, feeling his sharp exhale. Those words had been rare since that first night as they settled into this strange new life, still feeling out how everything fit.
He closed his eyes, resting his forehead on her cheekbone. "I love you too." Then he left in a hurry, not trusting himself to continue respecting her space. Tony flopped on the too big, lonely, queen mattress in an empty master bedroom and wished yet again that of any woman he might somehow be able to understand this one. Ziva, however, fell asleep wearing a smile. She'd never known the definition of home until now.