Hi! Back again with another Alicia/Ethan oneshot. Just a quick disclaimer before you read: I tried my very hardest to research thoroughly the very difficult subject covered in this one-shot. It is a well circulated myth that the likelihood of a woman becoming pregnant due to rape is very rare. In fact, up to 30% of women who are raped become pregnant. It is likely these statistics are skewed further by the fact that the reported rape rate falls far below the number of actual rapes committed and subsequent pregnancies. I hope I've done a very sensitive topic at least some justice. Another apology – I don't have my own children, therefore I've never given birth before. My only experience of childbirth is of receiving neonates from delivery rooms/crash sections in my role as a student children's nurse – so I apologise if there's rather too much lingo and not enough emotional accuracy! Lots of love to all x
It was a brutally cold February morning, and the sound of the rain smacking against Alicia's bedroom window startled her from an unsettled doze. She shivered, pulling the quilt tighter around the swell of her stomach and tried to block out the sounds of the howling wind which were causing her unusual anxiety. She became aware of an ache in her back, an ache she was normally accustomed to after a long shift on her feet but not typical after sleep. Sighing as she realised her chances of falling back into slumber were non-existent, Alicia pushed herself up the mattress and switched on the lamp beside her bed, a warm glow enveloping the room. She looked down at her stomach as she did most mornings, running her fingertips absent-mindedly over the bump. She could have sworn the baby had dropped in the space of a night – perhaps that why her back hurt so much – but shook that thought out of her mind as soon as it entered. She wasn't ready.
A gentle tap on the door dragged Alicia out her revere. "Yeah?" she croaked in response, voice full of sleep.
"Hey," it was Ruby, Alicia realised as the young paramedic pushed open the bedroom door. "I saw the light on under your door getting up for work, thought I'd bring you this." She pressed a steaming hot mug of tea into the hands of the other woman. Chamomile, Alicia realised as the steam drifted toward her, and smiled gratefully at Ruby. "It's so early, you should be resting."
"The wind woke me up," Alicia sighed in response. She was struggling to formulate sentences, suddenly aware of quite how intense the pain in her back was becoming. She felt a bit sick, but she wasn't sure if that was because of pain or pure fear. "Alicia," Ruby said, her brow furrowing in concern. "You don't look very well. Are you alright?"
"Yeah, yeah," Alicia muttered, and Ruby saw the moment that the anxiety etched onto the girls face was replaced by a mask of calm. "It's just early."
"Alright." Ruby sighed, unconvinced but ever aware of time ticking on. "I've got to go to work now. My phone is on, will you promise me that you'll call if you're still not feeling well?"
Alicia could only nod, feeling nausea whirl in her stomach. Stop panicking, she thought to herself. She barely registered Ruby's delicate hand touching her shoulder kindly before she tiptoed out of the bedroom as quietly as she'd entered. She felt a rush of affection for the shy paramedic. The girl had had no idea quite what she was signing up for when she eagerly accepted Alicia's offer of a house key all those months ago. Back then, Alicia had been four months pregnant and desperately ignoring the very fact. She'd barely recovered from the ordeal in which she was assaulted by Eddie and then gravely injured in the ambulance and she herself was sure she'd miscarried in that incident. The bleeding and the pain convinced her enough to push the idea of a pregnancy to the back of her mind. Disclosing a baby that was already lost to her colleagues would have achieved nothing but more heartbreak. She'd put the swell of her stomach down to a few more takeaways during her recovery whilst her arms were out of action, and was grateful for her forgiving scrubs. It was one evening, after a punishingly knackering shift, that Ethan had driven her home. She was so tired, almost asleep on her feet, and he had insisted she wasn't safe enough to drive herself. He was driving down the road when it happened. It felt like butterflies at first, a tickle from the inside, and she audibly gasped. He'd hankered on the brakes in shock, pulling over to the side of the road and questioning her immediately. The sudden stop didn't help matters, and the life inside wriggled in protest. Alicia could do nothing more then burst into tears, sobbing nearly until she was sick. It had taken Ethan driving her home, practically dragging her into the living room of her little house and sitting her down on the crumpled sofa with a sweet cup of tea and a blanket round her shoulders, until she calmed down enough to speak. If Ethan was shocked by her admission that she had been concealing a pregnancy for almost five months, he didn't show it. Instead he'd pulled the distressed woman into his arms, whispering reassurances into her ear that he'd support her no matter what. He'd sat with her clutching her hand as she broke the news to Ruby, who had taken the news in typical Ruby fashion, stunned and stuttering but quietly loyal ever since. She'd insisted on telling Connie alone, but it was quite honestly one of the scariest things she'd ever done. Connie was a stern woman, some would say cold, but her response had been enough to bring a vulnerable Alicia to relieved tears. She said nothing, but her eyes visibly softened, and she reached across the desk to place a hand over Alicia's wrist, squeezing gently. Since then she'd offered both practical and silent emotional support, suggestions of extra tea-breaks, whispered conversations of comfort in resus as the strains of heavy pregnancy got to her, and practically forced the younger woman onto maternity leave at thirty-seven weeks when things got a bit too much.
Ethan liked to say, gently teasing, that Alicia was "swimming in the big river in Egypt" instead of preparing for her baby's imminent arrival. He was right of course. Always at the back of her mind was this child's parentage – that the baby would be half Eddie. She could hardly bear to think about the fact that every time she laid eyes on the infant, she'd have a painful reminder of the ordeal that she went through. She was so frightened, about everything – the birth, raising the baby, the thought of Eddie ever finding out about the child that they shared. That was why as she lay in bed on that stormy February morning, waves of pain circulating from her back towards her stomach, she squeezed her eyes shut and tried to ignore exactly what this pain might mean. She curled back onto her side, arms tucked protectively round her abdomen and breathed deeply, falling into a restless sleep.
Awoken again by the front door slamming, Alicia jumped into consciousness not quite aware of her surroundings. Squinting at the clock beside her bed, she realised it was in fact early evening and she'd slept on and off throughout the entire day. She was suddenly aware of the intensity of the cramping in her back and abdomen and bit down hard on her lower lip to avoid crying out in pain.
"Alicia?" Ruby called, knocking on the door. She'd clearly noticed the lack of movement in the house, left untouched since she left for work that morning, and Alicia could hear the panic in the younger woman's tone. Alicia sat up at once, ignoring the dizziness that hit her from moving so quickly, and tried to get to her unsteady feet before Ruby came into the room. "Hey, slowly Alicia, are you alright?"
"Yeah, just taking a nap – " Alicia started, and then gasped as a sharp pain rippled across her stomach. She had to put every effort into staying upright as Ruby reached out to her hurriedly. Then, a gush of water. Alicia cried out, forgetting herself for a moment and clasping onto Ruby's arms. "No, no, no," she pleaded desperately, panicked tears rolling down her cheeks. "No, I can't…" breaths came as gasps as pain and emotion enveloped her.
"Erm, okay," Ruby stuttered, trying to keep the anxiety out of her tone. She was terrified, no doubt about that, but as she looked at her friend she could see the fright etched across her pale and exhausted face. Alicia needed her in that moment to reassure her and stay calm, just as she did all those months ago when they spent so long trapped in the back of an upturned ambulance together, the older of the two clinging onto life. "Alicia, Alicia…" she tried to keep her tone level, letting the girl grip onto her arms for support. "It's alright, it's alright, here…sit down." She settled her back onto the bed, kneeling down in front of her ignoring the puddle decorating the nice exposed wooden flooring beneath her feet. "Alicia, look at me," she spoke firmly, desperately trying to pull her out of the panic and fear. She didn't know much about this, obstetrics was covered only in simple detail during her paramedic course, but what she did know was that victims of sexual assault could find labour exceptionally difficult. She knew Alicia had found the whole process of carrying Eddie's baby immensely challenging, and suspected she'd been hiding much of that anxiety. "How long have you been having pain for Alicia?"
Alicia had her eyes clenched shut, trying to fight against the fear enveloping her, but she could hear Ruby's voice becoming more and more urgent. "I don't know," she whispered, Geordie lilt stronger than usual. "I don't want to do this Ruby, I can't."
"Alicia – " Ruby reached out and took her hands, gripping them tightly. Alicia opened her eyes, expression etched with terror. "When we were stuck in that ambulance, and I panicked about reducing your dislocation, you said to me we could do this together. I'm telling you that now – you're safe with me, okay?"
"Okay," Alicia whispered in response, choking on the tears trickling down her cheeks. She gasped as a wave of pain smothered her once again, moving her hands out of Ruby's hold to grasp onto the mattress beneath her.
"I think you need to call your midwife, Alicia, I can take you to maternity?" Ruby tried to gain the attention of her friend, clearly still struggling to concentrate through the waves of discomfort.
"No," Alicia cried in response, "it's not labour, not yet, it's too early." Ruby looked at her sceptically, noting the wild panic in her eyes and the delirious expression gracing her face. Ruby was worried – she knew that Alicia was in well established labour but continuing to fight against it in this manner would render the woman too exhausted to function. Before she could respond, Alicia had leapt to her feet as well as a woman who was nine months pregnant could, stumbling across the bedroom floor giddily and shutting herself in the bathroom next door. Ruby sighed as she heard the lock click into place, Alicia's gasps of pain muffled by the heavy wooden door. Clearly she wasn't doing a very good job at getting through to her vulnerable friend. She didn't know what to do next – she didn't much fancy leaving Alicia to progress so much in her labour that she ended up delivering in the bathroom, but equally she knew the more she pushed her, the more she was going to panic and shut down. She was disturbed from her thoughts by the gentle vibration of Alicia's phone against the wood of the bedside table. Despite knowing she shouldn't, temptation won over and she peered at the screen to see a message from Ethan. Nothing exciting, just a friendly check in, but it immediately sparked an idea in the paramedics mind. Lifting a tentative hand, she picked up the phone and pressed the dial button next to Ethan's name. It was worth a try.
Ethan cleared his throat nervously, his legs unusually wobbly as he stood outside the bathroom door in Alicia's house. He'd not hesitated for a second when a panicked Ruby had called him asking for help to coax his best friend out of the room she'd holed up in. Alicia was scared and needed him, but he was anxious. What if she was too far gone to claw back? Tapping on the door, he frowned in sympathy as Alicia made a noise that could only be described as a wail of pain, before her tone changed. "I'm okay, Ruby," she called, voice tight.
"Leesh, it's me, Ethan," he said gently. "Will you open up? I don't much like talking to the door." Silence, save for her tired breaths through the door panels. He nearly fell over in relief when he heard the lock click open, and reached the turn the knob himself. Alicia stood there visibly shaking and Ethan couldn't remember the last time she'd looked so distressed. It must have been in the aftermath of her assault all those months ago – but it was almost like the stress and trauma of the day had dragged her back in time. She looked small, hands tucked around her bump protectively, but her voice was full of remarkable strength. "You're not making me go to that hospital, Ethan," she said defiantly. "I'm not going, I can't do it."
"What is it?" he whispered in response. "Why are you frightened?"
Alicia's face crumpled again, and Ethan reached out at once finding it too much to bear. He pulled the woman into his arms, feeling the bump between them and smiling fondly despite himself.
"Listen to me, Alicia," he said, "this baby is just like you, and you are a determined, strong, stubborn lady. Little one is coming, you can't fight against them. You can do this, you've battled the most destructive of demons in the last year, this is the start of something brilliant, okay? This baby is going to bring you so much love and joy, you've just got to stay strong a little bit longer. And I'll be there with you, if you want me to be."
Alicia didn't respond verbally, but he felt her head nod just a little against his chest. He pulled her in more tightly, stroking her hair as they swayed together in time to the classical music playing gently on the radio downstairs, clearly Ruby's doing. They stood there for goodness knows how long, Ethan holding her through the ever more frequent and intense contractions until he managed to coax her into his car to the labour ward.
The small child curled up on Ethan's chest was warm and wriggly, its weight almost comforting amongst the chaos of the day. The newborn had surprisingly taken to Ethan rather quickly, quietening its tiny mewls the second that the midwife practically forced the bundle into his tentative hold. Said midwife had insisted on calling Ethan "dad" the minute she was charged with Alicia's care, despite awkward explanations, something that amused Alicia greatly. Ethan didn't mind, for it provided Alicia with some delight amongst the pain and terror. It hadn't been an easy delivery, the contractions frighteningly intense. Alicia grew quickly exhausted, caught up in the emotion far more than the physical strain of labour. The midwifery team had been excellent the minute they found out Alicia's history, but nothing could ease the fact that she was going through an unbearable trauma. After hours and hours of intensity, Alicia was almost hysterical and the team knew she wasn't going to be able to deliver naturally. She was bleeding, the baby was becoming distressed and the minute the infants heartrate dropped in protest, the crash bell was called and Alicia was placed under general anaesthetic for a c-section. Fear gripped Ethan like nothing he'd ever seen before. He'd assisted in crash sections on his obstetrics rotation but nothing prepared you for seeing your best friend raced down the corridor on a trolley, her crying out, knowing they had 15 minutes to get the baby out. He glanced over the other side of the room, blinking harshly to clear his sleepiness and watched a peacefully sleeping Alicia tucked into the bed, tears on her cheeks drying in the early morning sunrise. Glancing down at the tiny baby again, he chuckled fondly. Baby Girl Munroe, as she was currently known, was absolutely her mother's daughter. She was the spitting image, a shock of dark blonde hair atop her head, rosebud lips and rosy cheeks, beautiful but an old wise head on young shoulders. Most importantly, she had absolutely no resemblance to the father Ethan could hardly bear thinking of. This little girl would do just fine if she had the personality of her mum too.
A whimper of pain from the woman in question stirred Ethan from his half asleep daze. Gingerly getting to his feet still with the baby glued to his chest, he made his way over to the drowsy girl. He could see the confusion on her face as she tried to work out her surroundings, tied with discomfort and exhaustion.
"Alicia," he said gently, reaching with one hand to clasp hers around the cannula. "You've had the baby, you're okay and in recovery."
"Baby," she whispered desperately, voice hoarse from the ventilation. "Is the baby okay?" Events of the previous few hours had obviously come back to her in a panicked mush.
"See for yourself sweetheart," Ethan couldn't help the unusual term of endearment slipping out seeing just how vulnerable she was right now. He picked up the baby who squirmed in protest, but she settled immediately when Ethan gently placed her down onto Alicia's chest. Alicia lifted her free hand straight to the new-borns silky hair, stroking it gently. She looked up straight into Ethan's gaze, eyes glowing with a thousand different emotions.
"You've got a little girl, she weighs six pounds on the dot, showed off her fine pair of lungs when she came out, and she looks just like you." Ethan whispered, squeezing Alicia's hand. He noticed that whilst she was enraptured by her daughter, hardly taking her eyes off of her, she had gone very pale. "You feeling alright?"
"Yeah," Alicia choked in response. "…it's a lot."
"I know," he whispered knowingly. It wasn't quite the same but he remembered the utter terror he and Caleb had felt when baby Matilda had been landed on them quite suddenly. The wave of responsibility, knowing it was your job to keep this tiny human alive, was almost suffocating. Looking at Alicia and her daughter together, he felt something he couldn't explain, quite like that wave of responsibility he'd felt those years ago but without the terror. It felt right, this time. He settled himself on the edge of Alicia's bed, still grasping her hand with one of his and reaching the other to gently stroke the silky foot of her child. "Listen, I know you said to me, after it happened, that you didn't need a knight in shining armour. This isn't why I'm saying this, alright? I'm saying this because I love you, whatever that might mean, and as a result I love this little girl right here. I know how frightened you are, and I also know what an amazing parent you're going to make. I am promising you, right now, that I am going to be here for you and the baby. I want her to have a male figure, a dad, that she can rely on, and I want to be that person."
Alicia said nothing in response, but Ethan had gotten very good at reading the woman. Her eyes filled with tears once again and she looked right into his gaze, squeezing his hand tightly before pressing a kiss to her daughter's head. "I hope you're listening, Maddie," she smiled gently.
"Maddie," Ethan whispered questioningly.
"Madeleine Callie." Alicia said determinedly. She'd had the name picked out for a while, one of the only types of preparation she could bear to think of during her pregnancy, and her daughter suited it perfectly.
Ethan chuckled in response, though his eyes filled with tears, and he reached to cover the hand that Alicia had cupped on her baby's head. "Can you imagine what Cal would think of that? He'd never shut up about it."
Alicia laughed too, wincing as her stitches pulled but her smile never dropping from her face. Her girl was perfect, the rainbow at the end of the storm, and the vast unending expanse of loneliness and fear she'd been stuck in the last nine months was lifting a little. It wasn't the end of her healing journey, but it was also the beginning of something new.
I really hope that you enjoyed. Let me know if you'd like more from this AU - I might even be able to write some baby fluff!