Disclaimer: All rights belong to Tony Grounds and the BBC.

It is the evenings that are the worst. After dinner, which is nothing to write home about, there is sod all to do, except for sometimes when we do an evening patrol, but most of the time it's very boring. No tele, no Facebook, no Twitter, obviously, and you can't even text your mates because we're not allowed mobiles out here. I don't do books but I thought of asking me mum to send one, trouble is she would probably send one of the sloppy ones she reads or something iffy. I would never live it down if the lads saw me with one of them. She sometimes sends me Hello and that, but you can read them in one evening then what?

I am getting on really well with the lads now as it happens. Nude-nut and Baz Vegas do me head in sometimes cos they sound like me little brothers except me brothers are more grown up. Fingers, Brains and Dangles are really nice to me these days. I think they feel bad cos they were so shitty to me when Smurf threw his 'you can't play in our gang anymore' hissy fit and they went along with him. Sometimes they let me play cards with them in the evening but I know they don't really want me to cos I don't always remember the rules and I keep playing the wrong cards. I don't actually give a toss cos I don't really enjoy playing that much but it is something to do. Mansfield is my favourite cos he's really sweet to me and sometimes he is so dumb that he makes me look clever which is a bit of a first! We are all calling Captain James 'Boss' now, which is a bit of relief cos I was getting shit-scared that I would forget meself and call him by one of me nicknames and I don't think that he would like that, although it would probably depend on what sort of mood he was in.

Even watching stars gets boring sometimes when there is nothing else to do.

Sometimes one of the sections does some entertainment. We sort of take it in turns. To be honest it's usually pretty crap but we pretend to enjoy it cos they are probably doing their best and we don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. Well only if we are doing it on purpose. So we cheer and clap and stamp our feet and that, but it is hard not to piss ourselves with laughter sometimes.

We have been here for a while now and some of the stuff is already getting muddled up in my head, so I thought I would write a sort of diary sort of thing. Not the usual sort of diary with lots of 'went on patrol today', or 'this is what we had for dinner' or 'this is what the weather was like' cos every day would be the same and I would get bored with it, so I'm going to do a sort of letter to meself with what happens and how I feel about stuff so that when I get home I can remind meself of what went on.. And it will give me something to do which is a bit of a bonus. I thought I would start with Christmas so that I won't forget it, so here goes…

DECEMBER 25 2013

Dear Diary,

Christmas was weird, not horrible weird, just a bit odd. Everyone was trying so hard to 'have a good time' that sometimes it felt as though we was trying too hard! Regulations were relaxed a bit and the ANA were doing the patrols without us but we still had to carry our weapons around with us. I wonder if I will ever get used to it? The lads were all wearing Santa hats, but I decided I didn't want to wear a fleecy hat in 40% heat and anyway I have got a lot more hair than them, so I would have boiled. I broke regs. and left me hair down using some tinsel as a crown sort of hairband. Fingers said I looked like a little angel, wanker!

We had a little service type thing in the morning. We had Dangles on the keyboard and we started with Hark the Herald Angels Sing and I thought we sounded quite good. Mind you its difficult to tell cos I was in the middle of the singing and we were quite loud, so we might have been crap. We then did Away in a Manger and that made everyone get sad looking as If they were getting a bit homesick for the kids at home, even me, as I remembered the little ones singing it as they practised for the school Carol concert last year. Then the Boss did a little reading, then we said "Our Father who art in Heaven" and finished with "O come all ye faithful. Actually it was quite nice. I don't know what the God Squad made of it, but I've never been to church at Christmas so I enjoyed it.

We had the full Christmas dinner, turkey, stuffing, sprouts and that and then Christmas pudding, which I don't like, and mince pies. We had crackers which were fun, except they are not really meant to be used to bash each other, but not half as much fun as the Boss and Eggy and the other corporals being waiters for the day. Apparently it is a tradition. We had the Boss running backwards and forwards as much as we could making him get more of this and that and the other, whatever we could think of, then complaining that it wasn't hot enough or whatever. I asked for a vodka and coke with ice and he said "Trust you, Dawes" and he sounded quite stern so I thought I had gone too far, then I saw he was laughing. I can't believe I thought he didn't have a sense of humour when we arrived. Fingers, Dangles and I got a terrible fit of the giggles and we just cracked up and couldn't stop. We were all crying with laughter and ended up on the floor. I think the Boss thought we were laughing at him, cos he looked a bit 'left out', but we weren't, I really don't know what we were laughing at, we just were. The Boss stood on a chair and said that anyone caught throwing food would have to clear up the mess and would be on latrine clean for a week, then he had to shut up as someone scored a bullseye with a mince pie, right in his gob. So we didn't eat the mince pies, we threw them at each other. Supposed to be another tradition, but they bleeding hurt when they hit you, so God knows who made the pastry!

Bossman turned into Santa after lunch, although he didn't wear a costume or anything, but he handed out the mail that had come from home. Everyone had some, so that was nice. Had lots of bits from the kids and Mum and Nan which was lovely, and lots of cards and letters. Nan sent me some really nice knickers, wonder where she nicked them from? Nothing from Dad, but then I didn't expect anything really, he would see it as a waste of booze money.

Then most of the lads had the phone call home they had booked. Apparently the reception weren't great but I don't think they minded cos at least they got to talk to their families. I didn't bother to book one. There was no point really, the kids would be worn out and fighting and yelling by now, Mum would be in a complete panic as she tried to get the dinner cooked without me to help and Dad would be passed out drunk. Nan would be probably be asleep as well from her couple of drinks, that is if she isn't in jail for shoplifting!

The Boss asked me if I was going to call home and I said, without thinking really, No thanks, no point, Sir". He looked worried. You can always tell cos he keeps running his fingers through his hair and biting his lip, and I wanted to say "Don't worry about it Sir, I ain't", but I couldn't, he might not have been worried about me at all, then I would have felt stupid.

We had an inter-section football tournament after the phone calls were finished. 2 Section won, but that might have been because Eggy was the referee and I am not sure he can count as 2 section's team seemed to have one or two more players than the five that were supposed to be playing. The rules were a bit different from what happens at Upton Park, mind you West Ham might do better if they played by our rules. There was a sin bin and anybody who tried too hard, tried to score a goal and missed or upset the referee had to wait out for a 5 minute penalty then they had to spin round 10 times and stagger back into the game. If they fell over they were binned again! I was official time keeper for the sin bin and some of the 5min penalties or 10 turns for the other teams seemed to last quite a long time. 2 section didn't get many penalties and those they got seemed to fly by! The Boss came and sat next to me and he accused me of cheating, as if I would? Mind you, he was laughing at the time.

We finished the day with a sing song. Dangles is very useful. He played some requests, well, if he knew them, and we all sang as loud as we could which is just as well as I can't sing and they drowned me! My mates reckon I can clear the Karaoke bar quicker than a police raid if I get on the mike. We finished with 'Dancing Queen' and Fingers and I jived while everyone else sang, clapped their hands above their heads and bopped about. I caught sight of the Boss' face and for some reason he didn't look too happy, but maybe he was homesick for his family back home, who were probably having a posh Christmas like the 'Telly Ad' people do and I don't expect his dad would be passed out cold on the bog in the middle of the afternoon.

….

JANUARY 2014

We have good days and bad days and boring days on patrol. This started out as a good day. My little friend Bashira dropped her scarf thingy in the market so I picked it up and chased after her to give it back. We were having a nice chat and we played the little game she loves which is called sang chill bassi or something like that and we play it with stones. I always let her win so I can give her some of me mum's sweets as a prize and she is a kid after all and kids love to win. Bella used to have a game like this but hers wasn't stones but shaped thingies with a little ball. Must ask mum if she can find it and send it out so that I can give it to Bashira. Five stones, that's what it's called and I know Bella don't play with it any more. I was teaching Bashira some good east end English when her dad came out and started yelling at her. I don't know what he was saying but I'm guessing it weren't good cos Bashira threw the sweets on the floor and legged it into her house. She looked really scared. Her dad looks like a right dodgy geezer, worse than my dad and that's saying something.

The day turned bad when I heard the Boss's voice on the radio

"Excuse me, Dawes but when did her Majesty die and make you Queen?

What?

"You are not in charge…you do not wander off"…and on and on

Oh shit, I have obviously pissed him off again. Why does he have to yell at me and why is he so sarky? He doesn't talk to the lads like that, just me. I tried to explain what I was doing but he was using his 'I am important and you are not!' voice and wouldn't listen. What is it with blokes that when they get angry they don't listen? He hadn't finished there, I then got the 'you don't get involved with the locals and you don't put yourself in danger' lecture.

Then he marched off in a huff!

For a start, I am not that involved with the locals, I mean it's not like I'm babysitting for them or doing their shopping or anything, and wasn't this the same bloke who told us to try winning hearts and minds at the start? and how do we do that if we can't get involved? But maybe I'd better not give Bashira the Five Stones, he'd have a fit!

I wasn't in any danger! I know he is a posh bloke and has probably never set foot in East Ham or Stratford, but I grew up there and there are probably more Afghans there than there are in this poxy village not to mention the other people who are from all over the shop. Shit, I went to school with some of them, or I would have done if I'd ever gone to school, so I ain't afraid of them. Alright, there are some I wouldn't get in a lift with on me own, but those sort of blokes can come from anywhere.

And there were ANA all around and they wouldn't let me get hurt or anything.

Sometimes I really, really like him and sometimes I think he likes me, but sometimes, when he is mad at me, he stands right over me to tell me off and he so tall and I am so titchy that he makes me feel like a little bug that he wants to squash with his regulation combat six lace holes. Today is a bug day!

...…..

Smurf's back! I'm not sure how I feel about it cos he is still the same cocky little sod he was before he got shot. He was showing off in front of the lads offering to show me his groin as if he was giving me some sort of treat. Sorry sunshine, I've seen enough of your groin to last a lifetime. Sleazy git! I didn't want to say anything that would remind anyone about Guildford so I said something about how the sniper should have shot him in the head and done us all a favour. The lads all laughed at him so he got the message. I think he was a bit surprised that we all got on when he wasn't here to stir things up, but he's not stupid so he shut up.

Smurf then went to talk to the Boss to say sorry for being a dickhead. The Boss was okay with him, he wasn't angry or anything but he sort of told him that he had to get his act together, then I overheard him tell Smurf that he owed me big time. Course I overheard, I was ear-wigging at the time. While the boss was quite nice to him there was a sort of warning in his voice. I hope Smurf was listening

The Boss got quite excited about some special visitors what are coming, but he wouldn't say who they are. Some-one, I don't know who, suggested that it might be the Royal Ginge and the lads got very excited. Mansfield says his mum reckons he is the dead spit of Harry, we all reckon that Mansfield's mum should have gone to Specsavers. The Boss went off towards the gym so I followed him to try and get him to tell me who it is, but he wouldn't, so I teased him a bit about how hard it is to keep secrets and he laughed at me. He is really fit when he laughs, he should do it more, he looks miles younger. I wonder how old he is? Might just have to look it up in his medical records.

Smurf was showing his bullet hole to the lads who were all gathered round for a gawp, sad tossers.

Smurf came over and was making me a cuppa and got into the 'I will owe you forever' and the 'I'll always be there for you' crap and then got arsey when I pissed meself laughing. The trouble is I reckon he thinks that he is in with a chance, that we have a special bond or something. Dream on mate. As me Nan would say "I'm fed up, not hard up!

I was perving a bit on the Boss as he was doing weights or something and he took off his shirt. God he really is tasty, my eyes kept wandering back over there, it was very hard not to, when Smurf noticed and said something about me liking him or him liking me or something, so I choked him off big time. I have had enough trouble with Smurf and his big trap already, don't need any more.

And anyway, I definitely don't fancy the Boss.

…

Oh yeah Smurf's back alright! He doesn't seem to have learned anything, nothing at all. First of all he thought he could come straight back in and take back his lead man thing as if he hadn't been away and then he started to have a pop at Bashira again, about her being Taliban and that and this time he suckered the boss into his stupid ideas. I thought the Boss had more sense. I thought Bashira looked unhappy so I had a little chat with her. Turns out her dad won't let her go to school cos he is sending her away to get married. For fucks sake, she is eleven, just a kid! I suppose this is what we call at home an arranged marriage. What sort of dad sells his kid to some bloke as a wife, well apart from my dad of course.

I was talking to Bashira when there was gunshots! All the villagers legged it and everyone was shouting and taking cover. Turns out the Taliban have just shot up the school to make sure that the kids don't go back and to make it seem like we are wasting our time here. I hate to admit it, but I think they may be right. I can't see what we are achieving here, but I think I'll keep that to meself. I feel a bit sorry for the boss. He looks worried that this mission is gonna fail, cos we were supposed to be making sure that the kids are going back to school and that doesn't look like it is gonna happen any time soon.

I actually think the boss might have had a point when he had a pop at me the other day for wandering off. If the Taliban can come in and shoot up the school and then leave without any one of us seeing them when we was all patrolling round the village, it makes you wonder dunnit, I might have been in danger after all.

Will probably do a bit more tomorrow but me hand aches now with writing,

Love, Mol x

Authors notes: This feels as if it is coming together but I am still not sure whether to continue as a diary or make it a series of one shots. Reviews would be wonderful so that I can see what you think, continuous diary?

Hope you all had a really lovely Christmas, you are probably all as knackered as I am. I need a holiday to get over it!