Road trips and Revelations
This tour bus, always feels so small, always feels so close. Can't move one inch without…seeing him. Him, leaning on the table as he stares intently at the laptop screen. You'd think that in the space of ten years touring, I'd tire of seeing that sight. Tussled hair, laid-back wardrobe and those lips… those soft, tender lips…
"Hey Matt, you dozing off again?" He looks at me with a bemused grin, catching me off guard.
"Wha?" I glanced down, hoping I was the only who had jerked up to attention. "Ah, no, I was just…"
"Thinking about her again? When did you guys last talk?" He leant back on his chair and frowned at me. He was half right, I had been thinking about her, dreading the thought that she had told the others why we had broke up.
She had been my fiancé for several years, but with each day on the road, the lies were harder and harder to conjure. She was bound to find out, but surely if she knows, he would know. Dom, please tell me, behind those eyes, you don't know…
"Have you guys seen this site, it's jokes!" My awkward silence was thankfully broken by Chris coming down the stairs, laptop in hand. He looked at me, raising an eyebrow. Chris was the smart one, he could read me like an open book, he knew, he must… he has to…
"What site you on about?" Dom moved over in his seat, giving room to Chris. My paranoia was eating at me, so I also got up. Perhaps a strong coffee will knock some sanity back in me.
"The main Muse message board, they've got some crazy shit on here… *click* …was just looking at Main Muse…*click*… have you seen these Pornogenic Threads?" Chris crossed his arms, as Dom leant over to get a closer look. You don't need to get that close, have some goddamm space! I grinded my teeth, watching the two of them, near each other, breathing on each other, touching each other…
"Haven't you stirred that coffee enough?" Chris picked up on my anxiety, freaking me out and spilling the mug on the side.
"Shit!" It had spilt across my shirt, a burning sensation shook me out of my jealous coma. I ripped the top off, throwing it to the side, my stomach was angry and red, most likely like my face. Chris stood up, grabbing a tea towel off the rack.
"Here, you've got it on your jeans too" I snatched the towel from him, hate piercing through my eyes right back at him. This is your fault, you shouldn't have gotten close to him. I fucking hate you. "Hey, don't be mad at me, you're the clumsy one". I am mad at you, I thought, choosing to ignore his constant rambling afterwards. My trousers were slightly damp from the brew, so I wiped at them, hoping it wasn't going to ruin the fabric. These are nice jeans… a birthday present from…
"You okay, are you burnt at all?" Dom, so caring, so good, so beyond me, I don't even know what I'm thinking. He wouldn't want anything to do with me.
"Umm, it's cool. Thanks. I'm gonna… get changed," I mumble as I make a quick dash up the stairs. Was he watching me? I'd completely forgotten he was there, I was just rubbing away at my crotch, did he see that?
Crashing into my room, I kick the nearby amp and collapse onto the bed. Fuck, that hurts, why did I do that? What's wrong with me? I cover up my eyes, and lay flat on my back. I'm crying? No, impossible, worse has happened… no ,wait I really am crying. Stop it Matt, you're an adult. You're an adult, get over it. "Get over it Matt!" I whisper to myself, tears streaming down my face. If it makes me feel so euphoric, as high as I could even dream of reaching, why does it make me feel so dead now?
"Because love does crazy things like that."
"What?" I sat up abruptly, had I fell asleep, was I dreaming? I'm sure I heard Dom's voice by me. Despite my blurry vision, I tried to work out my surroundings. I was welcomed with an arm across my shoulders. My eyes finally met up with my comforter, smiling at me. He's smiling? Did I say something out loud? My face flushes once again with embarrassment, I feel like an idiot, I need to come up with a cover.
"Sorry, I was thinking about her, it's all I can do…" Preparing my pathetic get-out-of-jail-free card distracted me from his face, staring at me. What does he want? I'm trying to concentrate, I have to make it sound legit. I looked up at him again, ready with my usual barrage of lies, when he leant in nearer and…kissed me? No.. not a kiss on the cheek, on my lips. I gasped, struck by his gentle skin against mine, and the terrible hard-on it had just given me.
"D..Dom?" He uttered not another word, instead just caressing my cheek and kissing me again. Again, oh so delirious. I felt my body falling back onto the bed, my eyes closing as a new set of tears start to prick at the sides. Not tears of pain, these tears felt good. Washing away the fear and anxiety, as his hands started to move down my neck, onto my chest and round to my back. It's unreal, it's unsafe, the door must be wide open! Any minute now Chris could walk in and then it'll be all over! My stomach jerked with sickness as I attempted to make my way to the door, to seal our passion away.
"Matt, it's okay. He's up front with Tom" I sat up and kissed him again. Just hearing him tell me it was okay was more than enough, having him all to myself made the worries melt away as our bodies collapsed back on to the bed. I didn't even want to question why he was doing what he was doing, why his hands were all over my back, tugging at my belt, tugging at my lips. Something so soft felt so hard on my face, then across my neck, slowly moving down my body. I clenched my teeth, an unbelievable warmth flushed me as he ripped open my zipper. I broke free, only to be greeted by those soft, tender lips.
The blur of reality swamped me now, my hand reaching for something real to bring me back down to earth,. His head, slowly moving back and forth, each stroke sending me further away. I grabbed his hair, pulling him down, he wasn't to breathe, he wasn't allowed to share one ounce of himself to anyone or anything else. He was all mine, in this moment; his hands clasping around my arse, digging his nails in, as I dug mine into his shoulder and hair. A brief pause, a lifetime of desire, as I came in his mouth. He pulled off me, reaching for my mouth. I wanted his too, to connect once again, to not lose a precious memory of our time together. `Lovers devoted for each other forever`, a perfect summary of that moment.
Or so it would have been had the tour bus decided not to brake so suddenly. We broke free and fell off the bed, hitting my head on the bed-side table. Damm it, I wasn't finished! I was taken away from this endless torment, taken to a celestial utopia, only to be snapped back into darkness by those two dreadful drivers. We really need to get a driver, I thought, as I drifted in and out of consciousness. A driver who wouldn't…hey, those are my shorts, what is he doing…I really hate Chris and Tom, ruining our sex… this quilt is cosy, how did this quilt get here? Wait, where are you going? Dom? Where are… Dom…don't…
Black finally enveloped me, and with that, my road trips and revelations end, but where it ends, another beginning must arise. It can't be over just yet, we've only just gotten started. My future, adventurous and frightening, with many new experiences and shocking truths…who knows where it will go. Knowing my luck, it'll end badly, but it's always going to be unpredictable, because love does crazy things like that.