Title: 5 Times
Author: Libratine
Paring: Jibbs
Summary: 5 times she should have told him. 5 times she didn't.
Spoilers: Escaped, Blowback, Lost and Found, Dog-Tags and JD.
Disclaimer: Of course I own NCIS, that along with a billion dollar house, a jet, two helicopters, a Bugatti Veyron, a walk-in-closet filled with designer-clothes ... Well a girl can dream right? Sadly I don't own the show or any of the characters, so please don't sue because I don't own any money either…
AN: So this is my first attempt at a fanfic. I've been lurking on this site for a while and thought I finally should contribute with something. Since English isn't my native language there'll probably be some grammatical and spelling errors, just so you're warned. Anyway hope you enjoy it and reviews are very much appreciated.
1. She finds herself in front of a familiar house. She doesn't remember why she drove there instead of home as she was supposed to. Still she gets out of her car and slowly makes her way to the front door. Jenny knows better than to knock, instead she enters and walks over to the stairs leading down to the basement.
"I just came by to tell you that Derrick Paulson has been cleared of all charges." She says after she has descended the staircase. There really is no reason for her to be there. She could easily have told him about Paulson being cleared the next day, hell she could've just called him, but somehow she had ended up here despite the lack of motive. She places her handbag on the tool-table, "You saved that boy's life".
"He did most of the work" Gibbs answers.
"Don't sell yourself short. Or is it too late for that? ". She takes a look around the basement. It looks like it always does.
"Is this supposed to be some sort of pep talk to get me to stay, Jen? " He looks at her but she avoids his eyes. Then the realization hits him. "You don't want me back", he states accusingly.
"No, I don't. " Her voice is stern but she sees no reason to lie to him.
"Worried you won't be able to handle me, Director?" The use of her title doesn't go unnoticed, but she decides not to comment on it.
Instead she replies, " No, Jethro. I'm afraid you won't be able to handle yourself." Her voice is surprisingly soft. " You have already been in two comas. You might not come out of the third." She looks down and takes a deep breath. "The fact is you're good. The best. When you're as good at something as you are, when you can make a difference like you can, you just don't quit. "
She wants to continue. She wants to tell him the real reasons for why she's there. She wants to tell him about the feelings she had and still has. Tell him what his hiatus has done to her, how she has missed him and that she has been in his basement more times that she'd like to count, just to feel close to him. But most importantly she wants tell him about the diagnosis that was made 3 weeks ago. The diagnosis that made her cancel her flight to Mexico City and instead send Tony deep undercover.
But she doesn't tell him. Instead she picks up her handbag and leaves the basement without another word.
2. "Sitting in the dark, staring at photos of your enemies could be considered obsessive." He remarks as he sits down in one of the chairs next to her. In front of them, on the big MTAC-screen, is a photo of René Benoit.
"Kind of like building a fourth boat when you haven't even sailed the first three." She doesn't take her eyes of the screen as she speaks. God knows she really doesn't need for him to be here right now. Can't he drink his coffee elsewhere?
"How well do you know the Black Rose?" He asks.
"Well-enough to know that I'd like her if she wasn't an arms dealer". Jen replies. She doesn't need him to know of all the times she has tried to get close to La Grenouille and failed.
"And The Frog?" She finally turns to look at him. "La Grenouille means the frog." He clarifies when she looks at him questioningly.
"I know what it means", she says impatiently.
"Well, why don't you call him that?" She can tell something is bugging him, but right now he is just being plain annoying.
"La Grenouille is his code name."
"Well, I'm going to call him Frog. " To make his point clearer he croaks like a frog.
She really doesn't have time for this. "Spit it out Jethro, before it gags you. "
"You were out of control today." His voice has lost the playfulness and is now somewhat accusing. "Why? The deal died with Harrow."
"His copy of ARES might still be in play." She retorts.
"You don't want ARES". He states. "You want him." He nods towards the big picture on the plasma-screen.
She jumps out of her seat and walks closer to the photo. "Damn right I want him. I have been trying for a decade to bring him down"
"So it is personal… What did he do to you Jenny?" She doesn't reply. Her eyes are fixated on the large screen. She should tell him, she knows she should. And not just about René Benoit but also about herself, about the sickness, about how she has been trying even harder to get La Grenouille ever since she heard her diagnosis. But she doesn't tell him. She opens her mouth to speak but not a single word escapes her lips. He doesn't need the problems of knowing, she finally decides.
"You have no need-to-know, Special Agent Gibbs. "
Ignorance is bliss.
3. "It's been a long time" she says as she descends the stairs. "Us. Together outside of the office." She clarifies.
"Paris… If you don't count hospitals and car-chases" He adds.
She smiles up at him. "I don't". They reach her front door and she leans against the doorframe. "Once upon a time I would've asked you to stay, and I wouldn't have taken no for answer"
"No"
She bits her lower lip before she looks up at him and asks, "What happened?" It's a stupid question because she already knows the answer and doesn't like it. Yet she needs to ask him.
"You made a choice", he points out. And she knows that. She knows it's her fault. That she is the one to blame.
"I had to do what was best for me". She knows it's an excuse, not an explanation. She might have believed it 8 years ago. But now, standing here in the hallway with him, she has no idea how she ever could've believed that this was better for her, that work was better than him. In that moment she wants to tell him. Tell him that she'd been wrong, that what she thought was best for her and what actually was best for her, were two completely different things. But most of all she wants to tell about the sickness, that every day she gets one step closer to her grave. But she doesn't tell him. She has to do what is best for her and telling Gibbs won't make anything better just more complicated. At least she thinks so.
"Still do."
4. "You've been looking at me all week like you want to ask me something", she has noticed his eyes on her every time she passes by. How his eyebrows have been drawn together like his brain is working overtime trying to figure out something. And she is pretty sure that something is her.
"Any health issue?"
She should've known he would figure it out sooner or later. It's his job after all. But somehow she'd hoped she could've kept her secret in the dark. Since she doesn't know how much he knows, she just dismisses him. "I'm fine"
"Are you sick?" This time he is staring intently at her, trying to read any kind of reaction to the question.
This would be the perfect time to tell him since he obviously knows something. All she has to do is nod or give any kind of indication to show that he is right, that she is indeed sick. But she doesn't. She can't have him being concerned about her. It wouldn't be fair. She doesn't want him to lose her too like he lost Shannon, Kelly and Kate. Though she doesn't kid herself to believe she actually means that much to him, at least not anymore.
Without blinking or twitching or any other kind of nervous reaction she answers, "My health is fine. Yours however could take a turn for the worse, if you don't wrap up this investigation". It's not one of her best line that much she knows, but it's all she can muster at the moment. She walks out of the elevator without looking back.
5. Jenny looks at the paper in front of her. She has all these thoughts but she can't seem to form a real, decent sentence. After almost two years she has finally decided to share her secret with him. She still doesn't feel ready, but she knows she has to tell him now because soon she'll have to resign. Her muscles will hurt too much and she's already beginning to need more rest. The doctors have run all sorts of test on her the past 3 weeks, and the amount of pills she is forced to take has been doubled within the last month.
Dear Jethro.
At least that's a beginning - her mind flashes back to the last letter she wrote him - or maybe it's an ending. An hour passes but she doesn't notice. She is too wrapped up in old memories and what if-scenarios. Her phone rings and disturbs her thoughts.
When she's finished with the phone-call, she lets out a deep breath. William Decker is dead. It's ruled as a stroke. The funeral is in two days so she should leave tomorrow. She looks down at the letter before she raises herself from the chair and heads upstairs to pack. She has already waited two years to tell him, so what is two more days?