Last Will and Temperament
by Reanna King
(based on the skit by The Frantics)
Notes: no idea why I did this. Let's just say I was bored. It only took me about an hour to do, so it's all good. Hope you all get a giggle out of it.
(Seated in the white couches in the observatory sit AKIO, SAIONJI, NANAMI, JURI, UTENA, ANSHII AND MIKI. AKIO is holding a piece of paper)
AKIO: With the death of Kiryuu Touga comes many levels of grief for all of us, but I have been empowered to read his last will and testament.
SAIONJI: Well, get on with it...
NANAMI: Oh, my poor Onii-sama! [wails]
UTENA: Oh, there there, Nanami...
ANSHII: I never knew a kinder man.
AKIO: If we are all seated, I shall proceed with the reading.
UTENA: [bored] Of course...
SAIONJI: [grumbles]
AKIO: I, Kiryuu Touga, being of sound mind and body--
SAIONJI: That's a laugh. [laughs]
AKIO: --Do hereby divide up my considerable estate as follows: To my clinging sister, Nanami...
NANAMI: (wails)
MIKI: Nanami, I think he's talking about you...
NANAMI: Oh.
AKIO: Who clung to me like a leech... swarming with her annoying cronies all over me, day after day...
NANAMI: Wha...?
AKIO: To Nanami I leave... a boot to the head.
NANAMI: A what?!
(BOOT!)
NANAMI: OW!
MIKI: Nanami, are you okay?
AKIO: And to Miki Kaoru, my wise and intelligent companion...
MIKI: Huh?
AKIO: A withering, wimpy wad incapable of making his own decisions... I leave a boot to the head.
(BOOT!)
MIKI: OW!
(SAIONJI laughs)
NANAMI: This is an outrage!
AKIO: But still, you are my sister... you have admired my place as Student Council President, and since I am no longer living...
NANAMI: Oh, my Onii-sama is so kind!
AKIO: I bequeath another boot to the head.
NANAMI: What?
(BOOT!)
NANAMI: OW!
(SAIONJI laughs)
AKIO: And one more for Miki.
(BOOT!)
MIKI: OW!
AKIO: Next, to my dear friend, Saionji Kyouichi...
SAIONJI: Hey, I don't want a boot to the head.
AKIO: To dear Saionji, who's been a jerk and a delusional asshole for most of the years I've known him...
SAIONJI: I'm coverin' up my head!
AKIO: I leave my favorite kendo sword and my best kendo uniform.
SAIONJI: Really?
AKIO: And a boot to the head.
(BOOT!)
SAIONJI: OH!
AKIO: And another for Nanami and Miki!
(BOOT!)
NANAMI: OW!
(BOOT!)
MIKI: OW!
AKIO: Next, to my friend Tenjou Utena... whom I have long desired from the bottom of my heart...
UTENA: This is so predictable...
AKIO: I leave a boot to the head.
(BOOT!)
UTENA: Ugh! I knew it...
AKIO: And one for Nanami and Miki.
(BOOT!)
NANAMI: OW!
(BOOT!)
MIKI: OH!
AKIO: And now to Himemiya Anshii...
ANSHII: Oh... Kiryuu-sempai is so kind... I don't want anything, really...
AKIO: Who's been a kind friend to everyone... Who's served faithfully as the Rose Bride for all this time...
ANSHII: Oh, I didn't mind...
AKIO: To Himemiya Anshii I bequeath... a boot to the head.
(BOOT!)
ANSHII: OW!
AKIO: And one for Nanami and Miki.
(BOOT!)
NANAMI: OW!
(BOOT!)
MIKI: OW!
AKIO: And so, to my colleague Juri, I leave my entire vast... boot to the head.
JURI: OUCH!
AKIO: And finally, to Ohtori Akio, who has helped me on this will... I leave not a boot to the head, but a rabid tasmanian devil... to be placed in his trousers... OOH AHH!!! And I leave my entire estate to the people of Ohtori, so they can all afford to go somewhere decent!
MIKI: Is that it?
UTENA: That's all?
SAIONJI: That's disgraceful!
AKIO: There's one last thing for everyone.
SAIONJI: Cover up your heads, everyone.
AKIO: I leave everyone a lifetime supply of ice cream.
MIKI: Ice cream?
SAIONJI: Ice cream?
UTENA: Ice cream... that's all?
AKIO: That's all.
ANSHII: What flavor is it?
AKIO: Boot to the head!
(SEVERAL BOOTS FOLLOW)
by Reanna King
(based on the skit by The Frantics)
Notes: no idea why I did this. Let's just say I was bored. It only took me about an hour to do, so it's all good. Hope you all get a giggle out of it.
(Seated in the white couches in the observatory sit AKIO, SAIONJI, NANAMI, JURI, UTENA, ANSHII AND MIKI. AKIO is holding a piece of paper)
AKIO: With the death of Kiryuu Touga comes many levels of grief for all of us, but I have been empowered to read his last will and testament.
SAIONJI: Well, get on with it...
NANAMI: Oh, my poor Onii-sama! [wails]
UTENA: Oh, there there, Nanami...
ANSHII: I never knew a kinder man.
AKIO: If we are all seated, I shall proceed with the reading.
UTENA: [bored] Of course...
SAIONJI: [grumbles]
AKIO: I, Kiryuu Touga, being of sound mind and body--
SAIONJI: That's a laugh. [laughs]
AKIO: --Do hereby divide up my considerable estate as follows: To my clinging sister, Nanami...
NANAMI: (wails)
MIKI: Nanami, I think he's talking about you...
NANAMI: Oh.
AKIO: Who clung to me like a leech... swarming with her annoying cronies all over me, day after day...
NANAMI: Wha...?
AKIO: To Nanami I leave... a boot to the head.
NANAMI: A what?!
(BOOT!)
NANAMI: OW!
MIKI: Nanami, are you okay?
AKIO: And to Miki Kaoru, my wise and intelligent companion...
MIKI: Huh?
AKIO: A withering, wimpy wad incapable of making his own decisions... I leave a boot to the head.
(BOOT!)
MIKI: OW!
(SAIONJI laughs)
NANAMI: This is an outrage!
AKIO: But still, you are my sister... you have admired my place as Student Council President, and since I am no longer living...
NANAMI: Oh, my Onii-sama is so kind!
AKIO: I bequeath another boot to the head.
NANAMI: What?
(BOOT!)
NANAMI: OW!
(SAIONJI laughs)
AKIO: And one more for Miki.
(BOOT!)
MIKI: OW!
AKIO: Next, to my dear friend, Saionji Kyouichi...
SAIONJI: Hey, I don't want a boot to the head.
AKIO: To dear Saionji, who's been a jerk and a delusional asshole for most of the years I've known him...
SAIONJI: I'm coverin' up my head!
AKIO: I leave my favorite kendo sword and my best kendo uniform.
SAIONJI: Really?
AKIO: And a boot to the head.
(BOOT!)
SAIONJI: OH!
AKIO: And another for Nanami and Miki!
(BOOT!)
NANAMI: OW!
(BOOT!)
MIKI: OW!
AKIO: Next, to my friend Tenjou Utena... whom I have long desired from the bottom of my heart...
UTENA: This is so predictable...
AKIO: I leave a boot to the head.
(BOOT!)
UTENA: Ugh! I knew it...
AKIO: And one for Nanami and Miki.
(BOOT!)
NANAMI: OW!
(BOOT!)
MIKI: OH!
AKIO: And now to Himemiya Anshii...
ANSHII: Oh... Kiryuu-sempai is so kind... I don't want anything, really...
AKIO: Who's been a kind friend to everyone... Who's served faithfully as the Rose Bride for all this time...
ANSHII: Oh, I didn't mind...
AKIO: To Himemiya Anshii I bequeath... a boot to the head.
(BOOT!)
ANSHII: OW!
AKIO: And one for Nanami and Miki.
(BOOT!)
NANAMI: OW!
(BOOT!)
MIKI: OW!
AKIO: And so, to my colleague Juri, I leave my entire vast... boot to the head.
JURI: OUCH!
AKIO: And finally, to Ohtori Akio, who has helped me on this will... I leave not a boot to the head, but a rabid tasmanian devil... to be placed in his trousers... OOH AHH!!! And I leave my entire estate to the people of Ohtori, so they can all afford to go somewhere decent!
MIKI: Is that it?
UTENA: That's all?
SAIONJI: That's disgraceful!
AKIO: There's one last thing for everyone.
SAIONJI: Cover up your heads, everyone.
AKIO: I leave everyone a lifetime supply of ice cream.
MIKI: Ice cream?
SAIONJI: Ice cream?
UTENA: Ice cream... that's all?
AKIO: That's all.
ANSHII: What flavor is it?
AKIO: Boot to the head!
(SEVERAL BOOTS FOLLOW)