When will I know that I really can't go
To the well once more - time to decide on.
Well it's killing me, when will I really see, all that I need to look inside.
Come to believe that I better not leave before I get my chance to ride,
Well it's killing me, what do I really need - all that I need to look inside. -Snow By Red Hot Chili Peppers
The snow, I never liked the snow. It was always so cold, so lifeless it seemed. Freezing everything and killing it all. Heh...I guess I'm kinda like it then. I'm so cold, so ruthless at times. I'm destruction, something that people like at times but most of the time wish would just go away.
I don't blame them. I don't like me either. I break things, I am considered the muscle. I'm that wall that protects my family. At least I tried to. But I failed.
It was an accident. It really was and I'd give anything to take it back. My baby brother...Mikey..God how stupid could I have been.
I watched as they took you away, but I couldn't save you. Those...damn Foot Ninja. I was so wrapped up in getting them out of the way I wasn't watching your back like I was suppose to. I let myself grow stubborn and you paid the price.
Don...Dammit Donnie I am so sorry. If I was just a little faster, a little lighter on my feet I would've gotten us out of that fucking building. I was panicking and you were so still I didn't know what to do. So, I jumped. Ended up with me partially on top of you and I swear I didn't mean it. The burns were so bad, the nerves all died. We had to take your fucking leg off and I could never forgive myself.
When we got Mikey back I was for sure things would start getting better. But, it didn't. Mikey, my bro you...you were different. You never smiled again, you never laughed or even tried to be happy. God Mike what did they do to you in there? You never did tell anyone. But the scars told hundreds of stories didn't it. In the end you didn't have to tell me, I could see it.
Master Splinter. Why did you have to get sick father? When we needed you most. I tried to treat you myself. Me and Leo did try. But, we didn't know what we were doing. Only Don had that kind of smarts. But Don, he got all depressed after losing his leg. He didn't talk, didn't even try and read out of any of his science books. He just sat there, looking out into nothing. You ended up dying in Leo's arms. That's when we lost our Fearless Leader.
He would disappear for days, acting like me it seemed. And here I was, the hot head being the most leveled headed. But I can't be.
I am expected to be the wall, the wall that is strong and broad. Things like emotions should pull me down. I can't do that. Turn my sadness into anger and take it out on the next guy. But how could I? My father is gone, two of my brothers are vacant, and my oldest brother? My leader, my competition? He was buried under the snow.
So I tried, one last time to try and fix this. I went looking for Leo one night. But, I ended up getting jumped. In a way, I was okay with this. It was a bunch of purple dragons asking for a beat down. So, I gave them one.
No killing. That was our code. If it could be avoided, let it be. I tried. I did. But my anger, my sadness, all of it was so built up, almost drowning me. The more pain I caused to others, the less I felt. I felt my sais slice and glide through their bodies. I was a monster to them. That's what they called me as they breathed their last breath.
I didn't like the term "monster" because I didn't think I was. I was different, I was troubled, confused even. But no monster. I felt, I cried, I laughed and loved. I was as normal as I could be. But I guess others I was a monster.
I stood there, blood on my hands of boys who weren't even considered men. Boys whose lives were stolen away from the deeper part of society. Boys who would haunt me.
So this is where I am. Standing outside, the blood drying on my hands. God what A life I had there. The snow under my feet was icy next to the steel tracks. The snow fell silently against the black night.
I fucked up every chance I got. My anger got out of control, overreaction, just...having to common sense! It cost so much. So much is gone, so much has changed. I've changed.
The sudden rumbling under my feet caught my attention and I looked up. The twin lights looking at me and the loud horn warning me of its approach. I couldn't get myself to move. I didn't want my family to suffer anymore because of my mistakes. I couldn't watch myself suffer anymore.
This role that was placed on me; it couldn't happen. I couldn't be strong anymore, I needed help, I needed to be saved. I looked down at my Sai, seeing it begin to chip and rust from the stained blood and the cold. I dropped them to the ground. The lights were getting brighter, the horn getting louder. I felt calm, collecting, ready.
"Raphael!" He looked over the hill of snow to see Fearless. He was in panic I could tell. He was yelling something at me I wasn't wasn't moving though. He must have known it was my choice but I knew what I was doing. This may have been another mistake and it probably was. But this was my mistake, that I didn't regret.
The train came in, loud and thundering. It consumed and devoured the life around it. Leo's voice was drowned out, and As quickly as the snow came, soon disappeared in the night.
A/N: Hmmmm Random thought while trying to update The Perfect Student? I think yes! This really wasn't anything just something I literally thought up like an hour ago so here you guys go! Hope I pulled the heart strings ;) This is what I get for listening to Red Hot Chili Peppers at eleven at night...