Time: a nonspatial continuum that is measured in terms of events which succeed one another from past through present to future.
"Time is what we want most, but what we use worst."
william Penn
The ticking of the clock taunted me reminding me of each passing second that turned into minutes. it wasn't a good sign because for me while it counted down my life passed me by, it was something i took for granted. when we hear the word time it usually means we have more time to do what we want, to achieve but time goes. time it something we don't have.
Time counts down the last seconds of our life, the last time we'll be in school or the next time we'll see each other again and it moves forward something we notice with pleasure. when time moves forward so do we and meet the end of things and finally we meet our end.
As it moves opportunities pass us by and chances are lost because as it goes there is not enough time, time has been here with us from the beginning until the end and yet we abuse it. i'm coming to terms with the fact i've had enough time again and again but abused it and here i am with a heart full of pain and regret and mostly grief.
The ticking becomes louder and then it slows down and stops signaling the time change and the closer i am to the end. i turn around in my chair in the darkened room now hearing the drip of the iv and the beeping of the monitor, its slow in its procession and before long it will stop all together. i grip the edge of the chair tighter and crane my head to stare at the person connected to the monitor, shes laying completely still with closed eyes and tubes protruding everywhere.
Her usual perfect face is pale( as pale as her ivory skin would be) and her full lips are devoid of any color, her dark brown hair looks darker in the unlit room making her look deathly, my heart painfully skips a beat and i'm propelled forward touching her everywhere, my hands smooth back her hair and my lips touch her face and forehead. its all too much(her stillness and slowing of her heartbeats) and before i can catch them a trail of tears run down my face onto the blanket and her skin.
Every word i should have said and every word she should have heard pours from my lips in a rush, i tell her every truth and lie i ever uttered and i confess every fear i kept hidden. i confess my undying love to her, i hate that it took something like this for me to really realize. i tell her i should have been there, i should have never left and let my fears overcome me, i should have never let my fear win because there was nothing to fear being with her.
i should have been there, i couldn't justify any reason except jealousy even when i saw that she was happy but it hurt that she was happy without me when all i needed was her to be happy completely. there was the error in my thinking, thinking that she would be always waiting for me. thinking i would have enough time and come back to sweep her off her feet.
"She knew you loved her" alice whispered.
i turned to see my step-sister walk in the room slowly and stare anywhere but the the occupant of the bed. her wide blue eyes are rimmed with tears and her face is full of grief.
"She knew and to her the reason was that it wasn't enough" she continues.
"Of course it was enough!" i exclaim.
"Its too late now" alice whispers.
The realization slams into me with the force of a wrecking ball and i automatically look at the clock, any second now it will mark the end of my life.
i turn back to her grabbing her face in my hands trying desperately to make her hear me to postpone the inevitable. the beeping of the monitor gets slower and i touch my lips to hers slowly and delicately.
Theres the sound of crashing silver and i look up as alice turns around and we're both faced with the entire family but thats not what i'm staring at. i see jacob and the expression of mingled grief and disbelief on his face, he must have seen me he must have watched me kiss his fiance.
i have no excuses to give him but i don't regret what happened as he takes slow deliberate steps towards me but before he get close the monitor interrupts us, we hear he slowing of the heart beat as it slows down and then the last beep follows with a piercing sound.
Jacob drops to his knees unable to stand, alice runs to jaspers arms, rosalie and emmett stare unblinkingly, carlisle and esme stare at me as i stare at bella's lifeless form. i can't really comprehend that she's gone but when the team of doctors and nurses rush in it all seems real.
a startling pain begins in my chest as an ache that becomes excruciating and spreads throughout my whole body and it feels as if i was ripped apart and half of me is gone. i'm watching the commotion a sif i'm in another world, not seeing through my eyes but a haze and i'm gone off the edge.
My mind rebels against what happened and tries to come up with solutions but there is none, and i'm left wishing i had enough time to tell her everything. to have moments with her where she would know everything, it wouldn't change a thing but she couldn't leave not knowing.
i stare at the clock willing it to go backward with everything in me, nothing happens and then everything speeds up as the room is cleared and her body is taken away and then time stops. everything and everyone is frozen and there is a bright light coming forward.
a woman in a long white toga suddenly appears in front of me and before i can speak she touches my forehead and i'm being pulled backwards. i'm in a black and grey haze with stretches of white with pictures speeding past me in reverse order. i look around confused when the same woman appears, she smiles at me in greeting before speaking.
" time is so precious and few people understand but i'm sure you understand" she says walking around me pointing to each picture.
If i look closely i can faces in the pictures and i can pinpoint and remember each time i my life but its not just my life i'm seeing. i can see bella's life passing me by from birth to adulthood until her death. there are some moments i wouldn't like to remember but here i am facing them.
I Look toward the woman understanding stronger than before " i can bring her back?" i ask unbelieving.
She shakes her head "No one can bring back the dead but you can change your past and make the future better" she answers me.
" a second chance" i whisper.
"you only get one chance each just remember whatever mistakes you make can change the future" she reminds me.
I'm falling again being pulled back into the darkness but the pictures become clearer and the dates appear, i try to move and pick a date but i'm frozen in time. the dates become bigger and the months appear flashing by until it stops on one. it grows bigger and bigger opening like a mouth and i'm pushed through as it closes.
Nothing but darkness and the sound of my beating heart, the woman appears again and guides me through to the end.
"March 10th 2001" she says and then she's gone.
The darkness disappears and i'm standing on the sidewalk facing bella's old house, she's sitting on the steps alive and well. i walk towards her happiness spreading through me, she was alive and i was going to do my best and keep her that way.
She heard my footsteps and turned to face me a smile etching across her face, eyes dancing and lips curving she ran down the steps and jumped into my arms.
Another half written story
Should i finish?