Okay, before anyone says it this is not a character bashing. This is how I think Keira felt after Jak and Ashelin kissed and (possibly) got together. Her thoughts do kinda reflect my own (I really don't like Ashelin and Jak together) but please don't misinterpret it as me hating Ashelin because I don't.
This is also meant to be a lengthy drabble of sorts so it doesn't get super detailed. I may, however, write a proper fic about this scenario. Eventually.
I hated watching Ashelin and Jak; hated how I directed my anger to the red head and not myself where they belonged.
Because really, it was my fault. When I had first seen Jak after the two years of being apart, he had changed. He changed so drastically that it was hard for me to accept that this Jak was the same Jak that I had grown up with; the same innocent mute that I had crushed on since we were kids.
But Ashelin hadn't known him like that. All she had known was the angry, vengeful Jak that had replaced my friend. She didn't have to get used to the change and never pushed him away because of it. From the start she had accepted Jak, and I was jealous of her for it.
It was my fault, because I pointed out his differences right to his face. The changes he had gone through. And not once did I question why they happened. I was curious, sure, but I was afraid. I was afraid to inquire about the two years that had separated us. After all, I could barely hold a conversation without him getting upset.
Then I began to see the old him come through. I started seeing past his revenge fueled anger. I started to see the hero I had fallen for; the one that fought for others and braved the greatest dangers. But by then, it was too late.
By then he had shared the kiss that I had lost once before. He shared dinners and evenings and hand holding with Ashelin Praxis.
It sicked me to see them. For a while I thought my disgust was because of my anger at Ashelin for stealing him from me. But that wasn't it. I was upset and angry because she had accepted him before I, his childhood friend, had. I wished to the Precursors that I could be the one to be there with him instead.
So when Jak came stumbling to my garage one night, so drunk he could hardly walk straight, I realised I had gotten what I wanted. And yet, I didn't feel joy. As Jak told me what happened, how Ashelin had broken things off because he reminded her of her father's mistakes, I didn't feel comfort.
It sickened me that I had wanted this. That I had wanted Jak to suffer more than he should just so I could have a chance to be with him.
Even after his slurred words told me my guilt was ridiculous, I still felt it . He told me I wasn't the cause, and even if he was right, that I hadn't directly cause their relationship to crumble, I still felt like it was my fault. Deep down I had wanted this, I couldn't deny that.
But I would not make the same mistake again. What happened happened. It was done, and Jak was here. Things had changed again, but I wouldn't push him away because of it like I had done before. This time I'll be there for him and help him through it. I'll be his shoulder to lean on.
My dark desire had come true, and even with my regret I would go with it, because denying it would only bring more pain. I suppose what they say is true;
Be careful what you wish for.