And now it's time for Bum Reviews, with Chester A. Bum.
Tonights review: Edge of Tomorrow
OH MY GOSH THIS IS THE GREATEST MOVIE IVE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE! We've reached the edge of SPOILERS!
There's this guy, called Cage, and he's a military major... who's never fought a day in his life. WHAT?! Okay I may be a bum, but I know enough to know that you have to have FOUGHT IN ORDER TO HAVE A RANKING OF MAJOR! So Cage goes to London and gets to meet MadEye Moody, And Moody is like "We need to take down this alien invasion before the human race is taken out completely. (now as Cage.) Are we ever gonna talk about how long this has gone on and when these things first showed up? (now as Moody.) not in great detail, but we need you to join the war." And Cage is like "WHAT?! BUT I'VE NEVER FOUGHT A DAY IN MY LIFE! (now as Moody.) What? You're Tom Cruise. Aren't you supposed to be all wisecracking and BadA and arrogant? (now as Cage.) Not in this movie for some reason. (Now as Moody.) Eh. Who cares. We are forcing you into the war!" I WAS FORCED INTO THE WAR ONCE! I... already told you what happened when I joined the army. So Cage wakes up on a military base and he's like "AAAAHHHHHHHHH!" I'm sure we won't see that again. So he meets Bill Paxton and this other African guy. I'm pretty sure I know what his favorite word is. "(as african guy.) MAGGOT MAGGOT MAGGOT MAGGOT MAGGOT MAGGOT MAGGOT MAGGOT MAGGOT!" I'm sure we won't see him again either. So Bill Paxton takes him to meet J Squad, but catches them gambling, and he's like "(With Kentucky accent and tone from movie.) For gambling, I want you to eat these cards men." I ATE A DECK OF CARDS ONCE! They tasted like tortilla chips. So during his first battle against the mimics, who don't really mimic anyone or thing and have mouths that look like catfish BUT WHO CARES, he sees this lady named Rita! No not that one, she was annoying. BUT THIS GIRL... IS AWESOME! She's jumping around with this GIANT AND REALLY EFFECTIVE SWORD! How come everyone else doesn't have one of those. But everyone else is like "YEAH! (the bum mimics gun fire.)" and Cage is like "HELP! MY WEAPON WONT FIRE!" So Cage watches Rita die, AW!, and then Cage and his team all get killed or knocked to the ground when this blue mimic shows up, and Cage grabs a bomb attached to a dead guys suit, wow this movies going by fast, and he kills it. "(as Cage.) I'm dead!" But then it turns out he survived. HOORAYYYYYYYYY! "(as Cage.) AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH! (As african guy.) MAGGOT MAGGOT MAGGOT MAGGOT MAGGOT MAGGOT MAGGOT MAGGOT MAGGOT!" So it turns out killing the blue catfish alien allows him to relive the same day over and over again. So Cage keeps reliving the same day and making adjustments to his strategies as well as finding ways to try and save Rita, but she likes "Come find me when you wake up!" And then he dies again. "(as Cage.) AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH! (As african guy.) MAGGOT MAGGOT MAGGOT MAGGOT MAGGOT MAGGOT. (As Cage) What are you an alarm clock?!" So he goes and finds Rita and tells her what she said to her that she said to tell to her, boy isn't that a mindboggler, and she's like "What happened to you happened to me but I lost it when I got a blood change. (As Cage.) Well what should I do? (as Rita.) Come here everyday and I'll train you. (mimics shooting a gun.) Now reset. (As Cage.) Wait what? AAAAAAHHHHHHHHH (as african guy.) MAGGOT MAGGOT MAGGOT!" So Rita and this scientist guy tell him about this big orb thingy that resets the day and they have to go find it. And Rita is like "We found a helicopter. do you know where the keys are? (as Cage.) No. Coffee? (As Rita.) Oh, thanks. (As Cage.) Oh wait, you like 3 sugars in yours. (As Rita.) Where are the keys? (As Cage.) Here ya go." And then she dies again. AW! And then he dies again. "AAAAAAHHHHHH! (As african guy.) MAGGOT MAGGOT (As Cage.) I GET IT!" So Cage decides that he's not gonna get Rita this time and go after the orb himself and breaks into an abandoned dam where they believe its hiding. I BROKE INTO AN ABANDONED DAM ONCE! What else do you think caused the flood in Evan Almighty? But it turns out, (mimics Ackbar from Return of the Jedi.) ITS A TRAP! And then he dies again. "(points at african guy.) DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT! So Cage and Rita go back to Moody's office and try to explain the reset thing and get this device thingy that the scientist designed back by predicting every detail of the last time they tried going to him. And Moody is like "I'm convinced. Here's your device thingy. (As Cage.) Wow. Thank you. (As Moody.) You're under arrest. (As Cage.) Ah great." So they get into a car chase and Rita stabs Cage with the device and it turns out the orb is hiding under a museum. But Cage lost his reset blood so he can't reset the day anymore. So they gather up the people from J Squad after convincing them to help them... and they steal this AWESOME HOVER JET WITH THESE GIANT AWESOME LASER CANNONS, but they all die. AW! So Cage and Rita manage to get into the museum, but then after Rita kisses Cage, which is really wierd, because when you think about the age difference between those two makes it that she could be his daughter, she DIES! Now we will never see her again. Why do they keep killing her? Why didn't she get the reset blood? Oh yeah. So Cage starts swimming down to try and kill the orb with a grenade sash, but another blue mimic stabs him. But... He managed to pull all the pins and kill the orb. And then Cage floats down and gets more reset blood. HOORAYYYYYYYYY! So the new reset blood for some reason sends him back to the day when he was going to meet Moody, but this time, the orb and all the mimics died. (confused look.) How the heck did that happen?! If he reset the day again, why is it dead?! But who cares, THIS... MOVIE... WAS... AWESOME!
This is Chester A. Bum saying... CHANGE, YA GOT CHAAAANGE! AH COME ON HELP A GUY OUT WILL YA?! COME ON CHANGE! COME ON I'LL USE IT TO GO SEE THE MOVIE AGAIN! How the heck are both Fault in our Stars and Maleficent beating it?
Thank you