"I'm sorry for the way I treated you, I'm stuck in my ways to just run in the opposite way when things get comfortable. I'll keep on licking till your flavor is gone. It's getting more impossible to keep a straight face and be trusted with 'I love you.' Don't trust my words when I'm in bed with you. I'll bring the message, but the message gets lost. Yeah, you opened your legs and maybe I promised you...You didn't notice that my ankles were crossed. Can you show me how to treat someone? I don't recall ever learning how, because I keep fucking up, I keep fucking up..." [Blue October, Sexual Powertrip (One Big Lie) Bla Bla]

It's hard to say when one realizes they've crossed the line from sanity to broken. There never seems to be much congruity in the matter. All I really knew was that Ritsu needed me more than I ever thought I'd need him. Despite his training, and disregarding his cruel words, he really did see something in me that he couldn't quite place or replace, it seemed. It was hard to always stand there day after day and accept his beatings, the cruel, tart words.

But at some point, it became something I looked forward to. Not in the way one looks forward to ice cream after dinner. No... It was something darker that lurks beneath the soul. Perhaps it came from seeing and developing insight into how his mind worked. I honestly believe he was not a cruel individual. Ritsu was just confused.

He was not the monster Nagisa screamed he was. Sure, it was shocking to subject a "child" to physical abuse, but to me it had purpose. It gave me purpose. How could I deny myself even something that insignificant in everyone else's eyes?

Today though...Today was different. Ritsu dressed the gashes on my back carefully. His touch was surprisingly gentle as I winced, stuffing down the crushing heat that flowed through me at the contact. As he pressed the final strip of medical tape down, he sighed so deeply that even I could tell this bothered him somehow.

"Sensei?"

"Hmm?"

I paused for a moment before finally saying, "Did I...Did I do something wrong today?"

I felt the hair on the back of my neck stand on end. I felt like I'd done something far more daring than ask a simple question.

"Why would you think that?" Ritsu finally replied.

I hung my head slightly, unable to think of a response.

"Soubi-kun, are you going to answer me?"

My face flushed. I definitely didn't want to say anything now!

God, I thought, I should have just shut up...

Ritsu stood and circled around me. I stared at his shoes, refusing to look at him, even though I could feel him burning holes into me with his gaze. After a few minutes he grabbed my chin, forcing me to look at him. The flush rose harsher than before and I looked away.

Ritsu cleared his throat loudly. "Soubi, you did nothing wrong today. If I were disappointed in today's exercise I would not have dressed your wounds. In fact," he continued, "I feel as though I were too hard on you today. This is my apology to you."

I resisted his grip on my jawline, twisting to the right. I couldn't decipher the feeling boiling in my blood.

Finally Ritsu loosened his grip, choosing to slide his hand down my neck. I flinched almost instinctively, but the reaction was cut short once I realized there was no threat. He was only touching me. There was no threat in his actions thus far. I eventually braved a glance at him. It was strange to see him like this. He didn't look angry, at least there was that.

In fact, the more I stared I realized he had a certain thoughtfulness to his eyes. I felt my shoulders relax and I turned into the contact. Ritsu withdrew his hand slowly, fingertips gracing my jawline.

"I think you need to go," He whispered, turning away. I sat there, dumbfounded for a brief moment.

"E-Excuse me?"

"You're dismissed, that is all for today." He sounded strained.

Did he feel bad about this?

But why would he?

My legs felt like jelly beneath me as I gathered my shirt and left the room. I was confused, in pain and left to wonder what the hell had just happened. What was with him today?

I ignored the stares and feigned looks of pity as I made my way down halls and through common areas. I just wanted to go home right now. Ritsu wouldn't be home for quite some time, and I could bet he would be later than usual after what happened only minutes ago.

It was well past midnight when I heard the key slip into the deadbolt. I was curled up on the sofa, favorite pillow and warmest comforter with me. The TV was on a history channel I didn't care too much for, but I did enjoy learning strategies and expanding my vocabulary. I braced myself for whatever verbal encounter could happen, but Ritsu only entered the domicile and headed straight for his bedroom.

It came off like he'd rehearsed it. I felt offended, but wasn't sure where that feeling came from. After ten minutes or so passed, I could still hear him shuffling around. I quietly padded down the hall, the floor cold against my bare feet. His door was slightly ajar and I peered in. He was standing in front of the stand-up mirror in the corner. It was a curious thing to witness.

I retraced my steps and made sure to let the floor creak beneath me as I took the same path to the exact same spot. It was amazing how within those few moments, Ritsu was already opening the door.

I froze, feeling as though he knew and could see right through me. "Er...I-I was..."

He looked tired. Scratch that. Exhausted.

"You were...?"

I stood there staring at him. Why was I suddenly clamming up? I was never a nervous child, maybe a tearful one for a few years, but never so nervous that I couldn't speak or think of what to say.

"You know, I almost preferred you a screaming child than the silence you've bestowed upon me lately, Soubi-kun. I don't have time to play these games. Do you need something or not?" He demanded.

This time the words came out before my internal filter took control. "You."

He frowned at me. "Care to be specific?"

My heart thudded hard. I was positive he could hear it slamming around in my chest. "I don't know how."

"Fine," He sighed. "You're getting too old for this, Soubi." He turned on his heels, leaving the door open. I watched him walk to the bed and begin pulling back the covers.

What the hell...? I watched in confusion. Did he think I wanted to sleep with him like I was still a child haunted by nightmares of my parents' death?

I didn't give him the chance to look back and see me with my jaw to the floor, livid with perturbation . I waited to crawl under the covers with him, hesitancy betraying every action. Ritsu didn't seem to notice my unease. I couldn't have been hiding it very well, that was for sure!

The bed suddenly didn't seem big enough for the two of us. I remembered it feeling like a life raft as a child. Now that I was almost as tall as Ritsu, it didn't seem as though it could contain us both. He flipped off the lights and settled in. I stared at his vague outline, waiting for my eyes to adjust to the darkness.

After what seemed to be forever of just staring at the man, he reached out, startling me slightly. He ran his fingers through my hair. Cupping the back of my head, he gently kissed my forehead. "Soubi, I'm sorry for today. I was angry with someone and took it out on you because you were the only one that could take it."

Well, I thought, This is becoming interesting...

"Furthermore, I'm even more sorry about how deep those are. I was irresponsible with you today. You didn't deserve that."

I jerked away from him without realizing it. I don't know exactly which part of what he said made me recoil, but something forced it. Maybe it was fear, maybe it was the fact I didn't feel like I really deserved what some would call mercy.

"Soubi...," Ritsu sounded heartbroken.

Again, I was silent. It was beginning to irritate even myself that I was at such a loss! A Sentouki should never be at a loss for words, not ever!

"I'm tired and my back hurts," I mumbled feebly.

Ritsu shook his head, sighing. "I've got some pain medication if you want it. You don't have to go to the academy tomorrow, it's unlikely you'll be conscious until midmorning anyway."

He slipped off the bed and over to the bureau. After rummaging around for a few moments he came back with a needle and an upside down bottle on top of it. He squinted, holding it up to the moonlight seeping through the blinds. He set the glass bottle on the nightstand next to my side. "Arm."

I held it out.

Ritsu grabbed it gently , rolling his thumb across the crook of my elbow. After a moment or two he inserted the needle and there was an uncomfortable burning. "I'm not sure if that hit your bloodstream or just the muscle. I think I felt your skin raise up, but I'm not positive..."

Within seconds my everything felt heavy. I wanted to tell him this was strange, but the effort didn't seem worth it. He held my wrist for probably thirty seconds. I imagined he was was checking my pulse, what other reason could he possibly have for it?

"Sen-Sensei..." I mumbled.

"I think I missed the vein. Probably for the better. You'd be out cold by now."

I moaned a little, feeling like I was falling back into myself. It was a strange and frightening experience that made no sense. My thoughts wandered to how it would feel to fall into one's self. The thought made me smile.

"Don't get used to this, Soubi, I won't give it to you again. Enjoy it while it lasts."

Ritsu climbed back into the bed and I felt him pull me closer, not exactly what I expected either. I was completely relaxed and didn't care too much what happened outside of my own thoughts. He looped an arm around me and laced his fingers over top of mine. It was probably the first true paternal moment he'd ever shown physically towards me.

Did he actually care about me? I hated when he said he didn't.

I wasn't sure how long had passed, but I knew he was still wide awake, just from the way he would sigh and tighten his grip on my hand whenever a random wave of pain would break through the drug induced haze. I could feel it start to wear off and it was becoming unpleasant.

Thoughts started to wander to the hurtful things he'd said over the years to me. I wasn't sure what in particular sparked the train of thought, but by the end of it I had tears streaming down my face silently. Pretty soon my nose would start to run and I would inevitably have to snuff it.

I finally decided to clear my throat, but it sounded as choked as I felt. Ritsu began tracing small circles with his thumb over the back of my hand. "Is it really only because you see my mother's face in mine that I'm even still alive?"

Silence and stillness overtook the room.

"I see much of her in you," He replied, "but that is not why you are here now."

"Am I like her at all?"

"You're graceful, Soubi. You only lack in the confidence to see it."

I started shaking from holding back the floodgate threatening to break. I was too drugged up to stop myself. I felt pathetic. "I shouldn't have bothered you, Sensei, I'm sorry."

"Nonsense, Soubi. You're in pain right now, it's okay to cry about this, but only this one time," He started to get that tone in his voice. The one he acquired during sessions. "Learn from this, that people who care the most will always hurt you the worst. During a battle you cannot let this get to you. Anyone who knows you intimately or not can hurt you physically, but someone you trust will always be able to leave scars."

I let the tears stream without protest. It was interesting to me that he gave me permission to cry just this one time, but it seemed to hurt me all the same. It hurt because it made me feel weak. I wanted so badly to be his Sentouki, to be something other than a burden from a tragic accident. It was an intense feeling.

"You're tense...," Ritsu ran his fingers through my hair once more. "I said it was okay to cry, Soubi. Let it out."

I snuffed my nose loudly. "I don't think that's why I'm upset."

"Oh?"

I buried my face in the pillow as far as I could manage without being in pain. "I just want to...I just want to be the best."

"You're almost there, kiddo..."

Weeks went by without incident. Ritsu handed off reading material to me to keep the healing scabs and stitches from tearing open. Every evening he slathered my back in triple anti-biotic ointment and another type of cream, and would put fresh dressing over it. He continued to let me stay in bed with him. Tonight I had crawled into the bed long before he would. I was sleeping so horribly and in so much pain that if I didn't try to get sleep before him, my shaking and tears would wake him eventually.

I was snapped awake suddenly when I felt him pull me close. He was on his side, pulling me close. Once I realized how close he'd pulled me I felt awkward. Did I let him know I was awake? Maybe he already knew I was awake, and didn't care.

He brushed my hair off my neck and it took all I had to not flinch from the most unfamiliar contact of lips against my skin. It wasn't that I was immediately repulsed, but it was a foreign moment indeed.

He started whispering, but I couldn't decipher what he was saying. My back ached and felt hot all the sudden. My stitches began to feel irritated and coarse. Finally I was unable to stand the itching and flexed my shoulders back to attempt to ease the discomfort. I was surprised that Ritsu didn't move away from me. Instead, he kissed the back of my neck again, but only once more.

"I'm sorry to have woken you," He said audibly.

"It's starting to become irritated, I want to scratch it...," I groaned.

"I didn't get a chance to put the ointments on tonight. You crashed early and so hard I wasn't sure if you were all right."

"Can you please get them?"

Without speaking, Ritsu did as I asked He even sat me up and helped with my shirt since I still couldn't put my arms above my head without pulling on the wounds. His hands were warm tonight. He pressed around gently with his hands, massaging and working it into my skin. It almost felt like he was digging in some places, but I couldn't blame him.

"Sensei?"

"Yes, Soubi-kun?"

Silence was becoming fairly normal from me lately. I would begin one thought and by the time I wanted to verbalize the rest of it, I found myself saying nothing at all. Ritsu's usual expression of annoyance had a hint of confusion in it lately. If he wasn't sure what to make of this, then what was I supposed to think?

Ritsu sighed, "If you can't spit it out, then don't start the sentence. It's getting on my nerves. I don't mind listening if you've got something to actually say." His hands worked around the stitches, pressing into the muscle just hard enough it started to ease the pain. After a few minutes in silence, Ritsu started humming softly. His hands fell into rhythm with it almost immediately and I found myself relaxing under his touch. In the last 7, almost 8, years I couldn't remember a time where Ritsu wasn't distant, even cruel at times. I also couldn't remember a time when he'd touched me for any other reason other than to correct my behavior.

I instinctively tensed up again, regretting it.

"Should I stop?"

I froze, heart pounding again as well. All I could scream at myself was, Why!

"For fuck's sake, Soubi. What the hell is wrong with you lately?" Ritsu forced me to turn around. I couldn't look him in the face, even as he forced me to, as if I were a petulant child once more before him. "Nothing to say for yourself? I don't have to do this for you. You can figure out how to apply it yourself for all I care. I don't appreciate my generosity being abused, especially by you!"

Finally, I mustered the courage to say it.

"I'm confused, Sensei."

Ritsu frowned at me, as usual. "Confused? How so?"

"I-I'm...," I faltered, not wanting to ask it. He had to have felt my racing pulse, his fingertips were only millimeters away from my carotid artery, and his expression softened.

"Am I confusing you, Soubi?"

I nodded slightly.

"What about me is confusing?"

I gulped.

"Soubi, you are allowed to answer that without repercussions. This is a learning exercise for the both of us, how's that sound?"

"Everything is confusing. This especially...The training..."

"Why is it confusing to you?"

Dammit, why can't you settle for my vague answer! I shouted to myself. "Because," I said aloud, "I don't understand it."

Ritsu smiled a little. "You're training to be an exceptional Sentouki, what else is there to understand?"

This time I looked him directly in the eyes. "Am I going to be your Sentouki, Sensei?"

I watched as his smile shattered. His eyes went dark for a moment, but it appeared out of guilt, not anger.

"That's a possibility, Soubi. It's not a decision I'm allowed to make, and that is probably for the better," He sighed. "Sometimes it's good to not be able to make a decision such as that yourself. Do you understand?"

I didn't, but I nodded anyway. "Do you...Do you want me to be yours?"

It was finally my turn to see Ritsu blush and become speechless. He didn't appear as though he was prepared to answer that either way it was looked at. What was he going to say? That he wasted years training someone to his standard only to pass them off?

"I'm trained the way you want, aren't I? Why else would you be training me if you didn't want me?"

Ritsu cleared his throat a little. "Soubi, a child cannot be my fighter. I'm twice your age, and the experience I have is beyond even some of these instructors."

Child. I dislike how it seemed to boil down to that.

"So you don't want me, yet you train me every single day for 7 hours? Nobody else is allowed to instruct me, but you don't want me...I don't understand that Sensei."

He rubbed his forehead, thoroughly irritated. "I told you, it's not up to me. Whether I want you or not, I have no say."

"You still can't say either way if you want me or not. All I hear are excuses," I whispered bitterly.

"It's simply not that simple, Soubi. This is a complicated issue, and not just for me. This obviously complicates your life no matter how hard I try for it not to."

I scoffed, but bit my lip and turned away. "Then stop complicating it with things like kisses when you think I'm asleep. Don't disfigure me because you're having a bad day. And frankly, don't lead me on. Leave it at the cut and dry, student-teacher bullshit and stop making it personal with me."

Silence rang throughout the room.

I didn't dare turn to look at him now. I could only imagine what he was thinking right now.

Ritsu's fingertips ran down my bare arms. I resisted violently tearing my arm away from him, choosing instead to turn further to the right out of protest. "Soubi, you will look at me. For the rest of this conversation, you will not act like a child. If you don't want to be treated like one, then stop acting like one."

I felt him remove his hands and the bed shifted. I turned back to see him standing up. "I can't think when I'm looking at you. I can't do anything right these days. I'm constantly torn between right and wrong, and I don't even know which offense I'm creating out of it."

Ritsu pushed his glasses up and smirked. "Love is a fickle creature, Soubi. If it's honesty you want, that's fine. Like I said, you'll look at me for the rest of this adult conversation or I'm walking away from it." He adjusted himself back on the edge of the bed finally. "Do not always confuse your training with this home life you've had. I've raised you, yes, but even I have come to realize I've raised you the way I wanted you. You, Soubi, are the closest to perfection there is in this academy. You may not be perfect in every sense, but you have the ability to adjust and become what's needed to fit the situation. You submit, you take it for all it's worth and never have you asked me to stop. When I say it's not my decision or that it doesn't matter if I want you or not, it's because that is the truth. If I allow them to see how badly I want this for us, it most likely won't happen. Not to mention I'm far to old to be battling these days. I've lost the one person I loved, and then you come into this mess of my life, and I had no idea what the hell I was doing with you...

"Furthermore, I feel incredible guilt for what I did to you. Don't make me regret showing you this kindness. I've only ever bestowed it on one other. I'm sorry if I've disturbed you in any way, or made you uncomfortable, but as it is, I am your Sacrifice at this moment. Just because you do not bare my name does not mean you are free of me."

aaaaaaand that's all for now. No, I'm not dead, no my other stories are not on hiatus...I've moved like, a billion times since I last updated and when I packed everything up, the external hard drive my collection of writings were on was misplaced in a box it had no business being in. It's currently undergoing a file recovery _ So this will have to tide y'all over for a bit. I don't plan to go too far with this, maybe 3 chapters. I just thought it would be interesting to do a soubi/Ritsu fic that portrays it differently :D