A/N: I wrote this before the finale. So it discounts the fact Clara and River didn't know each other.
Summary: "So this is what you get up to at night. I always have wondered. And you always tried so hard to deny this was a snog box. What do you know? I was right... Ignore me, please. I'll just pop off back to bed. Do continue with what you were doing. Don't let me get in your way."
Disclaimer: All characters are the property of the BBC and their respective creators.
Human Nature
The light in the TARDIS was dimmed as it was on a regular basis when the ship wanted to simulate the illusion of night for the human companions travelling inside. They grew ever so confused if they didn't know when they were supposed to be sleeping. The TARDIS learnt early on that when humans are tired and confused they can become rather irritable, which in turn led to her thief being irritable who made her irritable also.
Best to avoid the whole cycle and just tell them when to sleep in the first place.
The Doctor, however, didn't adhere to the TARDIS's allocated 'nights'. Since he didn't have to rest as often as his humans he simply went by his body's instructions. When he felt tired, he slept. When he didn't, he ran around the universe having adventures – day or night.
Tonight, like most other nights, his wife was on board.
River sat in the small chair beside the secondary control panel by the railing, reading a book – or as the Doctor had called it, 'a pointless old dreary boring archaeologist's plaything'.
"So," the Doctor announced loudly as he came bounding up the stairs, returning from the kitchen where he'd been snacking on his beloved tea and jammy dodgers, "I was thinking!"
River raised her eyes to him momentarily before returning to read the next line. She replied absentmindedly, "Yes, you tend to do that dear."
He huffed at her. "I wasn't finished. I think we should go watch the meteor shower on Haedroxi. They say, that when the hundreds of comets pass by it lights up the sky in all colours of the rainbow! Red, yellow, purple, green! What do you say?"
He clapped his hands together with excitement. They both knew it was unquestionable she'd even decline, but he always asked anyway.
She smiled across at him.
"I say there are more than four colours in the rainbow," she teased. He shot her an irritated look. River closed her book and dropped it on the seat as she stood. "Let's go then."
The Doctor beamed widely and began inputting the coordinates. He was roughly half way through the process when he became aware of River's movements. She was pacing around him, walking from one side of him to another and watching him with an indiscernible gaze. He was unnerved. He'd learnt long ago that anything indiscernible concerning River usually meant trouble.
He turned around, his back against the console, enabling him to keep her in his line of sight at all times. She was visually inspecting him, he knew that much. He just couldn't work out why. He gulped. The semi-circular motion she walked in reminded him of a cat circling a mouse, waiting to pounce.
Or a tiger hunting its prey.
Or Rosanna, the Saturnynian fish-mother.
Not promising.
"Just thinking," River answered his unspoken question. She ceased circling and approached, coming to a halt a hair's-breadth in front of him.
He stood up straighter.
He froze when River ran a finger down the buttons of his vest, watching the expression on her face warily. He was quite looking forward to this planet, and so he really didn't want her to start going about distracting him. But, she had that look in her eye. That twinkle that he always associated with mischief.
"I much prefer your previous outfit Doctor."
"Which one?"
River eyed him disbelievingly. "The last one you wore with this face, stupid."
"You are your mother's daughter." He said without thinking. If he had been he would have bit his tongue. This River hadn't even done Manhattan yet. He disliked reminding her she didn't know what was to come of her parents.
River smiled at him weakly. He locked onto her gaze for a long moment before quickly sidestepping her and averting his attention back to the screen. The mood had already grown sullen, but before it grew any tenser he hedged the subject. "Why do you like my other outfit better?"
River welcomed the evasion. Pushing him to the side she hoisted herself up onto the console, knees bent and feet dangling above the floor.
The Doctor pursed his lips conveying mild irritation. "You're sitting on my keyboard."
"Oh? Fancy that." She murmured indifferently, while her facial expression indicated a level of surprise, he knew for certain she was fully aware of it already. "Here I was thinking these were just lights for decoration."
"You're also in front of the screen." He pointed out, arms crossed in annoyance, "How do you suppose we'll get to Haedroxi now?"
"You asked me a question." River reminded. "Don't you want to hear the answer?"
"Go on." He sighed in defeat.
"Your braces." She answered, waving a hand in the direction of his chest. "Much more fun when they were in plain sight. Easily accessible. Now you've gone and covered them up."
"Why do you think I started wearing a vest? Grew tired of people using my braces as weapons to bruise me or drag me places I didn't want to go. Now they are hidden. And no one can use my clothing against me."
"Oh really?" she took hold of the lapels on his jacket and yanked him closer, a wicked glint in her eye. He collided with the console with an ungraceful humph. "Is that a challenge?"
"No," he answered bluntly. He'd have tried backing away but she was still holding onto his jacket and he was sure that as soon as he made motion to move the legs that were currently straddling him would find their way into a vice grip around his waist.
"But then again, now it's just more fun getting to them."
"Oh?"
"So there's a few buttons to undo first, big deal." She set about slowly undoing said buttons while the Doctor eyed her cautiously. His optimism for visiting Haedroxi anytime soon was slowly fading.
Once his vest was open River slid a hand inside, over his chest and looped a finger underneath his left suspender. The corner of her mouth twisted up devilishly as she pulled the material taut and let it go with a snap.
The Doctor winced. And that was the perfect illustration of his argument for the vest. Bruises.
"Oh I hate you." He fumbled weakly, rubbing a hand over the area of his chest she had brutalised.
Her grin widened.
"No you don't. You baby." She smoothed down the lapels of his jacket lovingly. He shot her a dirty look.
"I have very tender skin River."
River pouted elaborately with a great show of mock sympathy. "Oh sweetie, do you want me to kiss it better?"
"For you kissing can also have the opposite effect, so no." he scoffed.
She pointed a finger to her lips – the offending finger, he noted. "No dangerous lipstick on today, I promise."
"All the same," he replied earnestly, "I'd still like to avoid any instances where you might cause me more damage."
River shrugged apathetically. "Suit yourself."
The Doctor glanced down at his clothes, suddenly feeling self-conscious. He quite liked them, thought they made him look more authoritative and even magisterial.
"You really don't like this outfit?" he asked, eyes full of concern. River bit back a laugh.
"Oh, quite the contrary." She admitted, running her hands down his arms. "I've nothing wrong with the outfit, apart from the vest at times. Though, the vest can be real fun in the right circumstance, like I said. More to unwrap."
His eyes widened.
"The jacket," she continued, picking at the shoulders, "I must say I rather like the darker tweed. Makes you seem more mysterious. Not quite sure about the length though. The trousers," she glanced down at his legs and shrugged indifferently, "they're just trousers. Overall, I can't blame you for wanting to look more sophisticated, more mature. It's quite nice really, that you're no longer trying to look twelve. A refreshing change for your dear old middle aged wife."
"You're not old." The Doctor protested.
"Oh I know that." River said, clasping her hands around the back of his neck and twirling his hair in her fingers, "In comparison to you I'm still a child, cradle-snatcher."
The Doctor rolled his eyes. "You're not that young either."
"You look like that professor everyone has," River continued, smiling, "the one that is really quite gawky and dorky but still flashy and rather attractive in a queer way. The one who's socially inept to the point it's enticing. The one that everyone – though they would never admit it – dreamt of leading back to his office for indecent acts of debauchery."
He blinked with shock and lost his ability to speak for a few long moments. "You fantasised about…" he waved his hands about between them in an awkward manner, "with your professors!"
"Not every one." She argued, miffed. "I just gave you a clear description of the requirements, didn't I? Don't worry, fantasising is all it ever was, my love."
She pat his cheek reassuringly and he gaped, as if that was supposed to comfort him?
He opened his mouth to speak, a squeaking noise came out. He took a deep breath before trying again. "You can't! You had me. You loved me."
"I didn't have you." River defended, her eyebrows arched, "At that point in time I was still trying to locate you. For all I knew I'd never find you again. You're the one that left me to go off to university without even the courtesy of dropping by for a visit. So leave me to my imagination once in a while, okay?"
His face turned sour. Her eyebrows rose higher, daring him to dispute her. He did.
"I did visit you."
"Three insultingly brief drop ins during my entire degree hardly counts."
"It was five. And you were so young. I had too much foreknowledge. I was hopeless at keeping spoilers – still am – thus, it was too dangerous."
"How was I to know that was the reason you ditched me? You never said. Any affection you might have hinted at having towards me when you did visit was soon forgotten after you disappeared again into the wind. Your absence spoke much louder than any flirtatious smiles. So of course I dated other people. I'm not patient like my parents. I wasn't going to wait forever and a day for you."
"Isn't that why you went looking for me in the first place?"
"You may have been the reason I started studying archaeology but everything isn't about you, Doctor. I did try loving other people – honestly. You can't have thought I actually wanted to fall in love with you. But unsurprisingly, you leave quite a lasting impression. There never was going to be anyone else."
"I still don't like thinking of you with other people. Especially fifty thirst century people." The Doctor mumbled testily.
"Well then you should have thought of that before you abandoned me in a fifty first century hospital. You only have yourself to blame. For everything. Any relations I had with anybody besides yourself is entirely your causation. How does that make you feel sweetie?"
"I hate you," he muttered again with half-hearted sting.
River leant forward, her face coming within inches of his. She smiled knowingly and her eyes danced with merriment, taunting him and mocking him like she knew something he didn't. A secret. He unconsciously inched towards her. She lowered her mouth to hover over his ear.
"Never," she whispered before sitting back up and reaching down to straighten his bowtie.
He looked down as she did so.
"And the bowtie? You don't think I should have changed it?"
Not that it would have made any difference if she did, no one would ever be able to come between this incarnation's love affair with the bowtie. But he was still curious. He'd never asked her what she thought of it. He'd always assumed she thought of them like she did his hats. Although come to think of it, she never had tried shooting one before.
"Bowtie's have always been cool sweetie." River murmured, pulling on one side of the bowtie until it came loose. She then wrapped each end around the palms of her hands and, with the back of the tie still behind his neck, tugged him forward to kiss her.
The Doctor leant into her and his hands came to rest on her waist instinctively. Deciding he didn't like having to tilt up to kiss her (it was unnatural, she was short – in comparison to him anyway), he pulled her off the console until she was standing, wedged between it and him.
The Doctor knew the chances of visiting Haedroxi had all but shattered. But he couldn't bring himself to care. They could always go there later… or another day entirely.
In some far off corner in the back of the Doctor's mind he realised that marrying River with his bowtie was probably one of the smartest things he'd ever done. If she didn't have that sentimental attachment to it it was highly likely she'd be finding dozens of ways to dispose of them, just like his hats. His lips twisted up into a smile as he kissed her. He was a genius. Only a genius would ensure the eternal safety of his bowties from his gun-loving wife without even knowing it.
River, her hands still gripping his bowtie, pulled him closer to her. His hands moved sporadically to all different areas of her body – shoulders, waist, elbows, back, hips, face, neck – before finally settling in her hair (like they always did).
Just when things were getting good there was a loud cough off to the side. The Doctor's eyes flew open and he whipped his head away from River's to stare at the noise maker and rude interrupter. There stood Clara at the top of the stairs, her face full of amusement and delight. It was the kind of countenance that foreshadowed a future teeming with cheeky comments and pert eyebrow waggles. He was not looking forward to it.
Struck with sudden immense discomfort and embarrassment the Doctor quickly disentangled and attempted to push himself away from River in an effort to gather a semblance of the propriety necessary when there is a third party in the room. However, with his bowtie still wrapped around the back of his neck and her using it to hold him firmly in place, they barely separated an inch.
"So this is what you get up to at night. I always have wondered." Clara broke the silence, mirth dripping off every consonant and syllable of every word. "And you always tried so hard to deny this was a snog box. What do you know? I was right."
"C-Clara…" he stammered, face flushed and still trying in vain to push River away by her shoulders, "how long have you been there?"
"Oh, long enough Doctor." She smirked.
With River having not relinquished her hold on his bowtie or made any show of intent to provide him with some breathing room he started turning his head frantically to and fro, attempting to loosen her grip himself and make a much needed getaway. River watched his desperation with bemusement.
"What are you doing? You're going to get a fabric burn on your neck if you keep doing that."
He ceased his movement to stare straight down at her with exasperation. "We have company River, so would you mind stepping away? Personal space! Ever heard of it?" He waved his hands between his chest and hers, emphasizing the distinct lack of distance between them.
"Oh come off it, it's not like this is the first time she's seen us kiss."
"Actually, it is." Clara pointed out. River looked at her, clearly surprised.
"Really?" she paused, mentally reliving situations of her past which certainly involved kissing, and more specifically Clara's comments at the time. Though it was now obvious those events were yet to happen for the Doctor and Clara. She laughed. "Oh this explains so much. Well, Clara, this may be the first, but it certainly won't be the last."
Clara grinned. "I think I'm going to have fun with this."
River smiled back at her. "Oh you will."
"I must say, this has been very enlightening."
"How so?" The Doctor asked cautiously, already sure he didn't really want the answer.
"You are more human than I thought." Clara took a step back towards the door and raised her hand in a sort of onwards gesture, "Ignore me, please. I'll just pop off back to bed. Do continue with what you were doing. Don't let me get in your way."
Clara winked suggestively.
The Doctor blushed furiously.
River laughed amusedly.