Convenient. That's what the night had been for her. Spike kicked a headstone. He was a whirl of raw nerves, off-kilter, angry and bitter. And sad. All right, all right, sad, too, because when she'd leapt into his arms, she'd kissed him like he was cool water and she was dying of thirst. She'd...ridden him, chose him, and he'd seen the same longing in her eyes that he felt in his gut, in his heart. And he'd hoped. Hoped the night might be a revelation to her rather than a regret. He kept hearing snatches of what they'd whispered to each other as the building cracked and broke around them. "I've got you, love, that's it, come with me now...Spike, don't let go, please, don't...never, love, never, you don't have to ask..."

And the worst: "I need you, Spike, I can't stop needing you." She'd touched his cheek. "And I don't want to stop, anymore." He'd kissed her knuckles, like the besotted fool he was, and smiled at her. "Then don't. I won't. I promise, kitten. I'll need you tell the end of time."

Making love, William sighed inside his head. He snarled. "Hardly, you idiot. Hardly. You think she spits on you and leaves the morning after if it's love?"

A squirrel stood transfixed, head cocked. Talking to myself again. Brilliant.

He stopped in front of Buffy's house. He knew she wasn't home, because he could recite her schedule like a book, let's not fool ourselves, and because he could smell something green and healthy Tara was making for dinner that Dawn inevitably wouldn't eat. Spike's spirits lifted a bit, enough that he rolled his shoulders and wiped his eyes. Little Bit didn't need to see him all wonky over a bird, especially if the bird was her sister. Deserved better than that.

He snuffed out his cigarette. Tara didn't like them in the house, and Spike did what he could to make Tara happy. Not that he went much out of his way, just brought groceries from time to time and helped her with the dishes. He'd spent a night consoling her when Willow left. He remembered patting her back awkwardly as she cried, soothing her, telling her she was better than Red deserved. That much was true, he thought. Tara might be quiet, even shy, and he normally didn't take much note of shy women. Liked them brash and bold. But Tara was strong, and she welcomed him into the house like he wasn't a freak. She had a lot in common with Joyce, now that he thought about it. The garden behind the Summers house was thriving.

"Spike!" He heard Dawn's squeal from the window and a smile came to him unbidden. She opened the door and bounced on her toes.

"'Lo Nibblet. Glinda cooking a nasty brew for us in her cauldron?" Dawn nodded and made a face. Spike ruffled her hair as he stepped into the foyer and hung up his coat.

"I heard that, you know." Tara's mild voice carried from the kitchen. "Both of you...well one of you anyway needs vitamins, and minerals. Lentils aren't that bad, Dawnie, they're a great source of protein." She pointed her spoon at Dawn. "I promise this won't taste as 'good for you' as last week's stew." Dawn looked at her expectantly. Tara sighed. "And...you can have ice cream once you've finished your homework and tried to eat your dinner."

Dawn clapped her hands. "Yes! One set of piping hot algebra homework coming up." She bounded up the stairs.

"Completed piping hot homework," Tara called after her. She kept stirring. She really was pretty, in an old-fashioned kind of way. Being out from under Red's shadow was good for her.

"There's blood in the fridge for you, Spike, if you're hungry." Tara kept the fridge stocked for him. Pig's blood, right next to the milk. Like it was normal. Like they were a family, of sorts.

Spike poured a mug and heated it up in the microwave. "You're good to us, you know, Glinda. Keep us in nutritious food, make sure the Bit does her schoolwork proper." He slurped on his straw and Tara winced. "Help us with our manners too." Spike kept drinking, silent this time, and winked, winning himself one of Tara's rare, soft smiles.

"I just do what needs doing, Spike, it's no trouble. I care about both of you. And Dawn adores you."

Something loosened in Spike's chest. Nibblet did seem to need him, and that was something he could hang on to. The warm feeling stayed with him through dinner, as Dawn groused about the "brown mush" that was lentil stew and crowed over her ice cream. Spike helped Tara check Dawn's homework afterwards, and caught Dawn stifling a yawn.

"Right, that's enough, off to bed, early to rise and all that rot." Spike saw Tara's raised eyebrow. "Meaning, sleep is important, Nibblet, it helps you..." Spike had trouble remembering what it was sleep did, anyway. He slept when he was bored, and that was about it.

Tara swooped in. "Get the rest your growing body needs so you can pay attention in class and keep learning, Dawnie."

Dawn tilted her head. "Want to try that again Tara? Not sure you sounded quite enough like an after-school special."

Tara laughed. "Scoot. Now. You'd better be asleep in half an hour, too, because Spike's vampire senses will tell me if you're not."

Spike faked a growl. Dawn giggled. "I know, I know. Goodnight!" She was up the stairs in a flash and Spike and Tara both counted down the seconds till they heard her hop in bed.

"Stuck the landing that time, I think. I'll go clean up, Glinda, you rest for a minute. Want some tea?"

"Thanks Spike."

Spike wiped down the last pot and returned it to the cabinet. He was pouring hot water over Tara's tea leaves when sadness hit him again like a wave. Too much time alone, and he always came back round to Buffy. Well, he was a big bad vampire, he could take a few knocks. He'd see Tara settled and head home to mope. Or kill some demons. You know, if they happened into his long, circuitous path home and ran into his stake. This was Sunnydale, after all.

"There you are, pet." Tara accepted the cup gratefully. Spike rubbed the back of his head. "Right, well, I'll be off, see you soon, then."

"What's wrong, Spike?" Tara looked at him over the rim of her cup.

"Wrong? Nothing, nothing at all, I'm fine, never been better, why would you think something's wrong?" Did her eyes have to be so blue, and so kind?

"You're just...wound up, and worn down, a little, Spike. If there's something you want to talk about you can, you know. I'm a good listener." Tara put her saucer down.

"Look, Glinda, it's kind of you but I'm..." Blue, and kind, with depths you could get lost in. Why did Red leave her, anyway? "Bugger it, all right, yeah, you win, I'm a mess." Spike sat down heavily.

"You want some hot chocolate?" Spike nodded. He felt a hand on his shoulder a moment later as she gave him the mug. She always remembered the marshmallows. He felt a lump in his throat.

"Spike, why are you crying, honey?"

Spike let out a harsh sob. "Convenient, what kind of a word is that, when I tried to show her my heart?"

Tara blinked. "Okay, so I'm guessing this is about Buffy, but, um, Spike, could you back up a little earlier?"

Spike turned the mug over in his hands. Buffy didn't want the Scoobies knowing about their relationship, if "relationship" even described what they had together. But that ship had sailed. Tara already knew, and he felt like he could trust her.

"Buffy and I, we..." Shagged? Fucked? Are destroying each other, a little at a time?

"So you do love her." Tara tucked her dark blond hair behind her ear. "I'd wondered."

Spike was speechless. "How could you know?"

Tara shrugged. "It's written all over you, when you're around her."

"So you think vampires can love, do you?" Spike bit the words out. "One of your crystal balls tell you that? Soulless, remember?"

Tara's smile was sad. "I don't think it's that simple. Or that black and white. Dawn's not human, and I love her." Tara's voice dropped so Spike had to strain to hear her. "I like to think she loves me."

Spike leaned forward. He hated seeing Tara upset, and Dawn cared about her, he knew it. Dawn would be lost without her. He had to make her understand. He rested a hand on her knee. "She does, pet, I know she does. She's crazy about you. How could you think she doesn't love you? You're one of the most important people in her life. Remember that."

Tara covered his hand with her own. "Well, then it can be true for you too, can't it? That you love Buffy?"

Spike paused for a beat. "Did you just trick me?"

Tara winked. "Maybe. I meant it though, Spike. I think Dawn can love, and so can you." Not to be underestimated, this one, he thought ruefully.

Tara squeezed Spike's hand and let go. "Love's not black and white, Spike, but I think Buffy needs it to be. Like a switch she can turn on and off. Demon or no demon. Soul or no soul. Can't you see why?"

Spike didn't like being told he was dense. Never mind that it might be true, he bristled nonetheless.

"No, I bloody well can't. Not as bright as you lot, after all." Maybe he should be going.

Tara's voice was uncharacteristically sharp. "Well listen, then, for one in your...unlife. Say she has feelings for you. Say she cares about you deeply. Say she loves you. A creature without a soul. She kills them every night, Spike. Creatures in the dark. And I think, to live with herself, she has to believe they deserve it."

Death is your art. She was the Slayer, after all. Maybe Tara had a point.

"So if she loves you, what's to stop her from thinking she's been wrong about the others she's killed? To look back at her history, and see the beasts she's dusted, and wonder if one of them might have been capable of love? She couldn't be as fast or as strong as she needed to strike that blow. She can't afford the doubt. The shades of grey."

Spike turned his head away, stung. The demon in him roared back to life, wanted to break Tara, to hurt her, for making him understand why Buffy had to stay away from him. ""Buffy's not wrong about me. About what I am. Think I'm sweetness and light? Try this out, love. Turns out I can hit her, now, since she came back. And I do."

Tara seemed unfazed. "Always thought that was kind of...foreplay, for you two?"

Spike was grateful he couldn't blush. "Well...yeah. But that's not the point. You know what I told her, pet, when I found out I could? When I learned she was the only person I could hit? Told her she came back wrong. Twisted. Darker." Not entirely, true, he'd stopped at wrong, but he was making a point here. "Then I hit her some more."

Tara shrank back into the couch. Good. She needed to remember, too, what a monster he was. "So yeah, I hit her, a few nights ago, in fact, and she hit me back, and then she kissed me, out of nowhere, she kissed me, like she couldn't get enough, of what I was, she wrapped her arms around me, and then we..."

Tara cleared her throat after a minute. "Well. So, sex. And telling her she's wrong and dark and twisted inside."

"So don't you see? Don't you get it? I am a monster, Tara, I can't be what she needs. I'm vicious and cruel to her, and no amount of love can make up for that. Demon, through and through." Spike sat back, proud to have the upper hand again, even if it did make him miserable.

Tara regarded him steadily. "I don't think it's that easy for you either, Spike. It doesn't take a demon to do what you've done, to talk to Buffy the way you do." Tara sipped her tea, and managed to return her cup to the table with only the slightest of tremors. "Men in my family managed it all on their own." For once Spike was speechless. "You really believe that, Spike? That she's twisted and wrong inside?"

Somehow Spike knew that his ties to Tara, and Dawn, were at risk of breaking depending on his answer. So he closed his eyes, composed himself, and told the truth. "I don't know. I said it, because she's so far above me, she's untouchable, and I thought if I could drag her down to my level I might have a chance with her. Might be able to make a go of it. Which is ugly. But it's the truth. All I know for sure is that she came back...different. And I'm desperate enough to use that to get to her. Which is why I have to stop this. I can't do this to her. She shouldn't have to live where I live, in the depths, even if she's changed. No matter how much I want her to." Spike was exhausted, winded, like he'd fought an army of the undead.

Tara was still leaning a little away from him, but when she spoke, she spoke gently. "It could have gone the other way you know. Buffy could have come back more...'right'. Like, from heaven. Maybe you can hit angels, Spike. Bet the chip wouldn't have anticipated that." Tara seemed pleased with her joke and Spike chuckled along with her. He had to keep Buffy's secret safe, so Tara wouldn't know how close to the truth she'd come.

"Not bloody likely, but sure, Glinda, maybe Buffy's tricked out with wings these days. Either way, I gotta break it off. Slayer needs to be able to do her thing."

Tara sighed. "Tell her, Spike. All of it."

Spike threw out his arms and looked indignant. "How do you know I haven't?" Probably because she's known me for more than a week.

Tara collected his mug, and her cup. "Just tell her, so she can make her own choice. You and her. You'll be here on Thursday?"

So he'd be able to come back after all. See Nibblet, help Tara with her next green concoction. He was flooded with gratitude, but cut off the waterworks before they started. "Yeah. Yeah I will. Need anything?"

"Some bananas would be good."

"Right you are. Thanks for the...cocoa, love."

"Tell her, Spike," Tara called over her shoulder. "I'm going to ask you how it went next time you're here for dinner.

Bollocks. Now there really was no way out.