Not mine, no profit garnered. For the trope bingo squares: FORBIDDEN FRUIT & FREE SPACE. Also for the gwyo settings bingo spot seen below. Title and opening quote from Poem for Cornell by Lauren Capone. Post 6x11. Thanks A for the beta help!
while I sit to work, you are here, either way with the cloth and the shadows, I architect your absence, dress your body in it; button & stitch, the stuff that makes parentheses, with this I fill your lungs.
"Hey," Joey said, stopping suddenly in front of Pacey.
"Hey, great to see you, but I'm trying to get to my rental so I can go home and it's been a very long day and how do you even know where I work, Jo?" He was clearly exasperated.
"Audrey told me," Joey said, not moving. "Not recently, mind you, but back when you and Audrey were a thing. I wanted to talk to you and I thought if I forced myself to come here, then I wouldn't chicken out."
"Why would you chicken out?" Pacey tugged at his tie like he couldn't wait to get it off.
"It's been awhile since we actually talked. And my roommate ran your car into Christmas dinner after saying a lot of things and I only really talked to Dawson," Joey said. She felt like she was breaking a code, some sort of code or rule they'd set up without ever tacitly setting it up. As much as she'd shoved all her Dawson feelings into a box, it was nothing compared to how many Pacey feelings she'd already put in there. Maybe that was why the Dawson feelings kept bubbling over, there wasn't enough room in whatever lockbox of denial she had for Pacey and Dawson.
"So what?" Pacey carefully grabbed her waist and lifted her out of his way, he did it so fast, she had no time to be upset. She scrambled after him as he got to his car.
"Pacey," she said. It was mean, she knew the intonation of how she said his name would make him stop. They had a lot of power over each other. "Pacey, please talk to me."
"Why? You already talked to Dawson, that's your grand romance that matters, right?" He turned towards her but crossed his arms over his chest. His expression was very unfriendly. "Or is that guy you're dating, Eddie? He seems like a dick."
"He is," Joey said. "He moved out of Boston without even telling me. He not only dumped me, he straight up ran away from me."
"See? Dick. Dawson and I never did that to you." Pacey closed his eyes and rubbed at his mouth. Then he looked at her and said, "Sorry about your new love being a dick."
"Don't worry," she said. "I get it. I've been a dick, too. Ever since Dawson and I slept together and we had that nightmare of a day after, I've been an idiot. I think, you know?"
"No, I don't know. You cornered me after a really long day, Jo."
She inhaled and exhaled. "This weekend, I've been thinking a lot. Me and Dawson, we haven't been anything since I got on that boat with you. Romantically, I mean. But he never wanted to admit that and it was so easy to get dragged into his version of events where you and I were never really anything. Which is what I did back in September. And what I've been doing since. But, thinking about how much Eddie hurt me or how much it wasn't the worst hurt ever just brought it all back to me. Because you really hurt me when we broke up."
"I know, I've apologized, are we done now?" Because it was Pacey, he said, "Did you take the T? Can I drive you home?"
"Apologies aren't enough," Joey said. "Not for me, and probably not for you. Because actually, I should have been talking to you for months. It shouldn't feel like there's something forbidden about me talking to you. That's me buying into Dawson's idea of me. Which I did and have done because you hurt me. So I guess we're even."
"Great, thanks," Pacey said. "Can we get in the warm car now?"
"Okay," Joey said.
The car was pretty warm. They drove in silence at first and then Pacey said, "Should I drop you off at the bar?"
"I quit," Joey said. "I'm done with bars."
"That doesn't seem rash at all," Pacey said.
"It's completely rash," Joey said. "But my ex-boyfriend left the city to get away from me. It was kind of a big sign from the universe. I started this school year thinking I could do anything I want, but you know, that's ignoring that every choice I made was in reaction to previous choices I had made."
"That is actually the human condition," Pacey said, not unkindly. "Can we do this, the thing that you are intent on doing, can we do it over there? There's a not bar over there that serves coffee and is also a bookshop where you can do this thing and I can at least get a cappuccino so I can stay awake for it."
"Okay," Joey said.
It was a nice coffee slash bookshop. She got a simple black coffee and browsed the books, even going up the spiral staircase to even more books. She took out The Way Things Are by EM Delafield. She flipped through the pages and decided to get it, going back down the staircase and paying for it before looking around for Pacey. He was staring at her, slumped back in a huge chair, looking five parts irritated and ten parts exhausted.
"That's a huge chair," she said. She sat on the armrest. "You've been here before. Was it because of the huge chair?"
"Nope," he said. "Are you done talking about how much I hurt you and therefore you pretended we never dated?"
"No," she said. "Yes?" He looked so tired. "You look awful."
"Thanks, Jo. This has all been great." He stood up and took her hand to take her back to the car. "Where are you going to work now that you've quit the bar?"
"I don't know. I don't know a lot of things. But I do know," Joey said. She took a deep breath and then said, "I know if I'm actually going to try to get back together with any of my ex-boyfriends, I should be trying with you."
Pacey stopped where he was standing and whirled on her. "Will you actually feel like that tomorrow? When that dick Eddie shows back up? If Dawson calls you because he really really needs you?"
"Yes," Joey said. "Yes to all three." She grabbed his jacket's lapels and kissed him. He didn't kiss back until he did, his mouth open for her and his hands tight around her waist.
He stepped back. "Let's not make out here." He took a last drink of his cappuccino and threw the cup away in the trashcan by the door. Then they got back in the car.
When they were in the car, he said, "This is a stupid idea."
"You should quit that job," Joey said.
"Sure, one kiss and you're back in charge of what I should do," Pacey said. "Let's go to my place."
"Maybe I was just making conversation until we got to your place," Joey said.
"Crappy conversation," Pacey said. "Fine, you win, we'll continue this insanity. Let's revisit all these topics in the morning."
"After we have sex?"
"Sure," Pacey said. He was speeding a little. "Really?"
"Actually, yes," Joey said. "Why not?" She had a moment where she thought, if she could do it by sheer force of will, she would dial back time to before graduation and never kiss Dawson again, not Charlie, not Eddie. She should have gone after him, like she did with Dawson. Why did she keep thinking Dawson was where her romantic heart was?
She watched Pacey's face in profile, trying to guess what he was thinking. He seemed a little manic, but no less than she was. "Are you freaking out?"
"Nooo," Pacey said. "Not at all. A little."
"Me, too," Joey said. "But maybe we should be freaking out. We should have been freaking out before. A long time ago. We just saved it all up."
"The sex will be amazing," Pacey said.
"Probably," Joey said. "Let's get to it, shall we?"
"Please tell me you're not drunk," Pacey said.
"Nope," she said. "I do have to pee first, though, that coffee went right through me."
She ran straight to the bathroom when they got to Pacey's apartment. She looked at her face in the mirror, she looked flushed and happy and not insane, really. She felt, for once, for the first time in a long time, she was doing exactly what she should be. There was a weight off her shoulders, like opening the Pacey box in her heart had made her lose about 20 lbs. When she got out of the bathroom, Pacey said, "Finally," and went into the bathroom after her.
She sat down on his bed and looked around. Pacey's bedroom didn't seem to be Pacey's very much. It was generic and dull. Pacey had a lot of suits. Not actually a lot, but a lot for Pacey. He had six blazers, ten button downs, ten pairs of pants, belts and ties all hung up and ready to be worn. There were books but they were all about stocks and bonds and economics. The only thing she was sure belonged to Pacey were the two pictures by his bed; the one from Andie's going away party, and the whole Witter family from Sheriff Witter's 45th birthday. Pacey was 10 in that picture, he was such an adorable kid.
She remembered him coming to her mother's funeral. He'd waved to her and she'd waved back.
Pacey came into the room, already taking off his tie. He said, "Last week I called in sick to work one afternoon. And one day. And then Friday, I even dressed like an idiot. But then Rich pointed out he could fire me, which he does a lot. It's exhausting. I like the money, I like the sales, and I'm good at it, I am actually good at this, but sometimes, I think, why am I even doing this? What am I proving to anyone?"
"I don't know, Pacey, I think there's a lot of things you're good at it. You tend to focus on the things you're not good at it, or sabotage yourself when you're doing well at something. Maybe you'd be good working at a brokerage that isn't one where Rich is in charge," Joey said. "Are we still having sex? I want to."
"I do want to," he said, smiling. He took off his shirt and pants while she did the same. He got on the bed and pulled her on top of him, then reached around to her back and undid the clasp on her bra. "Still have skills." He was grinning at her.
She laughed while she got her bra off. Then they were kissing, again, and she was going to get him to shave off the beard thing as soon as they were done. She rubbed his dick through his boxers and he made these profane and sexy sounds against her lips.
She remembered him like this so well. It had been 20 months since he'd touched her like this or they'd kissed or anything. She just wanted to be with him forever. She'd never really wanted anything like that with anyone else.
She kissed her way down to the band of his boxers and then pulled them down. Then she licked and sucked his balls, blushing at herself but totally turned on by the way he reacted. He grabbed at her hair and his legs tensed. By the time she had his penis in her mouth and she was sucking him in, Pacey was babbling nonsense. He came in her mouth and she swallowed.
"You're so mature now," Pacey said. "Or whatever it means when you start swallowing."
"It's not maturity and I've actually only done it for you," she said. He sat up and pulled her so she was half sitting up against the pillows.
"I feel special," he said, before he got her underwear off.
"Don't you go down on me with that awful goatee," she said.
"I bet you'll like it," he said. It was scratchy and made her thighs itch but was balanced out by his tongue and wet fingers opening her up and making her nearly cry from the want and need of him.
"You can fuck me," she said. She struggled to get the words out, she was so close to coming.
"Do I have to shave before I do it?"
He got the condom on more quickly than she thought possible and then he was on top of her. His dick felt so right pushing inside her. She let him set the pace because she'd always loved when he fucked her, the rhythm of the two of them together. He'd had her right on the edge before his first thrust so she came quickly, helped along by his fingers on her clit.
When he came, there was a moment when they were just together. She loved his smile.
Then they both cleaned up and got under his covers. "Hey," she said. "Is there something we should be doing Tuesday? I mean, tomorrow."
"Yeah, Tuesday is tomorrow," he said. "Man, it's only 9 o'clock." He sat up and reached for his pants, grabbing his phone. He made a call.
"Hey, Rich," Pacey said. "No, I know it's late. Sorry. I just wanted to call you to say you're right, I do have an attitude problem. I have a horrible attitude problem. I'm going to take it off your hands. I quit. You can do whatever you want with my stuff, I'm not coming back. Mail my check." Pacey listened for a little bit and then said, "Nope. Still quitting. It hasn't been great, but I do appreciate it. Have a great week," Pacey said and hung up.
"We're both unemployed," she said.
"I was thinking, during the period when I could think, that you're right. I am good at this, maybe I can do this work and not work for an asshole with no morals. Somewhere in Boston there's a brokerage firm that isn't built on screwing everyone else over. Theoretically. If I can't find one, or they won't hire me, there's always cooking."
"Am I that boring in bed?"
"You're not boring at all, it was a split second decision while I was throwing away the condom."
She kissed him again. "I should look for a new job, too."
They fell asleep at some point. Joey woke up to Pacey gently shaking her shoulder. "Hey," he said. "It's only 6 am, but I didn't know when your first class was. Or if you had things to do this morning before class."
Joey looked up at his lovely face. "You're the best, Pace." She reached for his chin. "Did you already shave your beard off? For me?"
"For you," he said. "I think it makes me look like I'm 16 which will not be helpful for job hunting, but I like going down on you, so I guess we're letting that take precedent over my ability to make a living."
"Whatever, dork." She sat up and kissed him, running her hands through his hair. "And I totally love the lack of grease in your hair. It's a whole new hot day for you."
"Thanks," Pacey said. "But really, what happens now? You kinda went from 0 to 100 in the space of a night. Which I followed you and maybe a little sped ahead, but what happens now?"
"We don't break up," Joey said. "That's my plan."
"Okay," Pacey said, nodding. "We have a plan."