It feels like a long dream.
From the second my body meets the car's interior to the moment my eyes find his is one long break from reality.
I want to run to him, to make sure the memories I've played and replayed in my mind are real.
Maggie's face pressed against me reminds me of home. And houses. He stands in the doorway of our new home, not an inch inside the frame. It's not faded, but rather a vivid gash in landscape; each time he passed through a doorway, and the time he took me with him. I blink away the memory and try to feel the warmth in Maggie's embrace.
Time passes through a long and endlessly tightening bind. Every opportunity I have to speak to him passes with a frustrating self-imposed silence. And then I realize it's not just me who is tongue-tied. His immovable mouth seems to have settled into a stone line, with me on the other side of it.
The silence is interrupted with memories. I wonder if I imagined the familiar comfort in his limbs, the hope in his eyes. But as I remember and re-remember, I am either very right or very wrong.
Like most worthwhile things, my desire to know is suppressed by fear.
I explain how I escaped to anyone who asks. I give the best explanation I can about the night I heard Daryl scream my name over the screeching tires. But there is something burning inside of me.
It happens at inconvenient times, convenient times, whenever. The common factor in it all is Daryl's mysterious and unreadable outline.
Soon, there are much more important and demanding things happening; the questions stop and they are replaced by distance and silence.
I wait amongst my thoughts, until one day it happens. An opportunity.
Maggie's eyes fill my vision, "Hey, how would you feel joining a run?" Her tone had a 'yes, you' ring to it and I'd be lying if I said it didn't fill me with a long-awaited satisfaction.
"Of course." Maggie's face splits into a smile.
"You'll be taking my place. I think Daryl said he wants to head out at sunrise." I nod to conceal my jump at his name.
"Anything special you want me to grab?" My voice is light, matching her teasing tone. No hint of my racing heartbeat
"A few pounds of chocolate should do." The joy in her features pulls on my suspicions.
"Oh, I see. You think you're letting me sit at the adult table, huh?" I laugh at the thought. Maggie shakes her head, but her blush gives her away.
"Just hard watching your baby sister grow up, is all." I watch her brow crease through the smile in her voice. I know without hearing her say it, that it's a lot harder not being able to watch someone grow at all.
I suck in air and try for a smile, "A few pounds of chocolate it is." Maggie laughs and turns to leave, "You sure you don't want me to come?"
"I'm sure." The electricity running through me is almost painful.
Later, when darkness fills my window pane, my mind blooms with memories. What use will they be to me, if I have imagined them? What comfort could they ever offer?
My eyes close, and I feel myself drifting.
His face from inside the coffin fills the void. His casual comfort. The unexpected warmth that had settled into his features. I can't be wrong.