Response to Challenge number one at 6dstargate list.
- Someone must say, in these exact words, "I've split my pants, look!"
- Someone must also say: "Cheese is often found where you least expect it."
- There must be a hyperactive seal looking for ants.
- At least one reference to X-Files.
- The word "ubiquitus" must be used 5 times.
- 4 or more jokes about General Hammonds bald head.
Author: Kernel Jack aka Ali
Email: kernel.j@startrekmail.com
Approx. Length: 4220 words (10 pages) Category: Humour/Challenge Response.
Rating: U
Spoilers: Holiday, minor one for third season, well actually it's a "major" spoiler *g*. One for an episode in the last season of The X-Files (sorry don't remember what it's called). Possible ones for the Blair Witch Project, but it doesn't bear much resemblance to my story, though some is very similar.
Disclaimer: All characters and property of Stargate SG-1 belong to MGM,World Gekko Corp., and Double Secret Productions. The X-Files belong to Ten Thirteen productions (I think, Chris Carter I guess, I don't really know). "The Blair Witch Project" also doesn't belong to me obviously and neither do the lethal weapon films. This example of fan fiction was created solely for entertainment and no money was made from it. No copyright or trademark infringement was intended. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental, except for Tony Blair, he exists, although his appearance is without consent, and I'm sure he's nothing like I'm portraying him, this is just satire. Please don't sue/prosecute. Copyright © Kernel Jack 2000 All rights reserved. Don't post this anywhere without the Author's permission.
Season: Third
Summary: SG-1 go to a wooded planet, some strange and scary things happen.
"General Hammond's been really depressed since his pet rabbit ran away, so he needs to be cheered up, if he's going with you on this mission just be nice to him ok." Dr. Fraiser coached Jack.
"Yeah sure, but he'll get over it soon, I mean hare today gone tomorrow, it happened to him before, he'll get over it."
"Jack! That is not the way you need to be talking. He loved that rabbit."
"Yeah, ok I'll be nice, Don't you trust me?"
"No."
"That's not nice. Anyway we have to leave now, catch you later."
"Ok, now, before you go what's Dr. Fraiser's rule number one of going to a strange planet?"
Jack sighed. "Don't eat or drink anything if I don't know what it is"
"Well done. Now can you stick to that?"
"Yes Dr."
"Ok, well make sure you follow the advice this time. Ok and what's rule number 2?"
"If you see some sort of strange devices don't just touch them, particularly if they look like they are connected with Machello."
"Well, done, see it's not that hard is it. Ok, you can go now then, be careful, see you when you get back."
"Bye then Doc."
Jack left and went to the 'gate room where the rest of the team were already waiting along with General Hammond. They all prepared to embark, and General Hammond got ready to lead the way.
"Why's he coming with us anyway?"
"He wants to baldly go where no man has gone before." Jack proclaimed as the General stepped through the wormhole.
The team looked at their surroundings. It was another wooded planet, strangely reminiscent of the countless ones they had visited before.
General Hammond was looking a little green around the gills, he went round behind a rock and threw up.
"Are you all right sir?" Sam asked.
"Yes, thank you major, I'll be fine, I just get a little travel sick sometimes."
"Oh, I see."
The team began to check out the woods, Jack and Daniel went East, there was a steep slope. Daniel, being a little clumsy, managed to step in a mud patch and skid down the slope, catching his trousers on a twig as he passed, he stood up unhurt, but slightly shaken.
"Daniel, you ok?" Jack checked dashing down to him.
"I've split my pants, look!"
"Why would I want to look?"
"Now what will I do? I can't go round looking like this!"
"Here, you can wear this."
"Jack! That's a skirt."
"It's not a skirt, it's a kilt."
"It looks like a skirt."
"Believe me, it's not, and you'll have to wear it, we can't have you flashing your underwear now can we, especially not with Sam around. Although very nice underwear it is I have to say, is that Goofy?"
"Look, I am not wearing a skirt!"
"Well, what else will you do?"
"Stay here behind this nice tree."
"Don't be silly. Come on, put this on."
"I'll look stupid."
"Not a great deal more than usual."
"I heard that. Anyway why do you have a kilt?"
"It doesn't matter."
"Come, on, why?"
"Look it really isn't important, the others are waiting. Just put it on will you."
Daniel reluctantly put on the kilt, blushing as he did so.
"There, that isn't so bad now is it? Take your pants off."
"No."
"Oh, come on, you look silly with them on underneath, a Scotsman wouldn't have them on now would he."
"Hey I know what a Scotsman wears under his kilt, there's no way I'm going to be authentic."
"Ok, I wasn't asking you to go the full monty it's just you look even more stupid than usual."
"Well I don't care, I'm not just wearing a skirt. How is it you have a spare skirt but no spare pants? I bet you're really happy this happened, you've secretly been carrying that round with you for months in the hope that I'll be caught with my pants down."
"Now Danny, don't say that, would I be so devious?"
"Yes."
"Think what you will. Anyway lets go."
They set off back in the direction of the others, Jack lagged behind a little, fishing something out of his bag, then he called Daniel's name and as Daniel turned he quickly snapped a photo of him.
"I can't believe you just did that!"
"Oh, relax Danny boy, think of how much fun I can have when this gets developed."
Daniel tried to wrestle the camera off Jack and expose the film, but somewhat unsurprisingly he was no match for Jack who fended him off and put the camera at the bottom of his bag.
The two returned to the rest of the team in relative silence, there they found a bemused Sam, Hammond and Teal'c observing the antics of a seal. It appeared to be foraging in the undergrowth for something.
"What is a seal doing here? Aren't they sea mammals, surely it needs to get back to water." Jack exclaimed.
"Actually the fact that Seal's are water dwelling mammals is a myth perpetuated by the government and water parks. In fact Seals live on land and eat ants. They can of course be trained to live in water and eat fish, but it's not their natural habitat." Daniel told him.
"Have you completely lost your mind."
"Oh, no, it's true sir, I mean look this is proof isn't it." Sam joined in.
"Wow, I never knew. What's wrong with it?"
"I'm not sure. It seems incredibly hyperactive, I mean every so often for no apparent reason it runs round and round in circles."
Just then the seal pounced on a procession of ants and the team watched as it gobbled them up, then used it's newfound energy to zip through the woods like a pinball.
"Wow, that is one ubiquitous seal." Jack said as he gazed at it zipping around the forest.
"Why is Daniel Jackson wearing a skirt." Teal'c asked.
"It's not a skirt, it's a kilt." Daniel answered embarrassed.
"I see, it looks like a skirt, what is the difference."
"Women wear skirts, men wear kilts." Daniel explained.
"I understand. Please accept my sincerest apologies for my mistake Daniel Jackson."
"That still doesn't explain why you're wearing a kilt Daniel." Sam reminded him.
"So, what was with that Seal?" Daniel attempted to change the subject.
"Oh, no you're not getting off that easily, come on. What happened?"
"I kind of split my pants, ok? I didn't have anything else to wear. Sam, you got a needle and thread?"
"No. What, just 'cause I'm a woman I should have a needle and thread? Well I haven't, I don't do sewing."
"I am in possession of such items Daniel Jackson." Teal'c reached into his backpack and removed a sewing kit, which he passed to Daniel.
"Thanks Teal'c."
Daniel examined the sewing kit and was surprised to see a small block of mature Cheddar.
"What is that doing there?!" Daniel exclaimed in bemused wonder.
"Cheese is often found where you least expect it." Teal'c explained.
"You can say that again."
"Cheese is often found where you least expect it."
"No, Teal'c I didn't mean you should say it again. It's an expression. Anyway I'd better go fix these."
Daniel disappeared into the woods and came back a long time later with extremely badly repaired trousers. (Author's note - hey, I'm English, I'll let them say pants cos they're American, but when I describe them they're being trousers). Teal'c looked appalled at the state of them.
"That is unacceptable Daniel Jackson, you cannot go around with pants like that."
"I'm sorry Teal'c, I'm not much of needlepoint expert."
"Come with me." Teal'c led Daniel into the woods and got him to remove his trousers. Daniel sat perched on a rock in his Goofy boxers while Teal'c unpicked Daniel's lame attempt at sewing, and rapidly sewed up the split in his trousers until they looked as good as new. Daniel admired Teal'c's handiwork and replaced the trousers.
"Wow, you never told me you could sew!"
"There are many occasions when I sit in my room at night and sew. It is one of my hobbies. Often after I have completed a state of Kel'No'reem I spend the rest of the evening sewing a new sampler or cross stitching something. I also crochet."
"Well I never."
"Well you never what? Never sewed? I can see that."
"No, I mean, oh never mind Teal'c, let's get back to the others."
Meanwhile back by the Stargate: General Hammond is not in sight, Jack and Sam are killing time by telling jokes about Hammond and his lack of hair.
"You know if Hammond ever went to England he might be mistaken for a smaller version of the Millennium dome." Jack quipped.
"In his case it'd be the millennium drone." Sam countered,
"What did you say Major?" General Hammond said coming up behind them.
Carter jumped. "er, I was just telling the Colonel here about the new er Millennium phone. Yes, it's er, it's like a normal phone, but it's kind of er futuristic and well, you receive emails and things on it, and it's all er new for the millennium."
"I see, well, I'm just going over here to look for Teal'c and Daniel, ok?" Hammond walked back off towards the treeline Clearly to throw up.
"Sometimes I think General Hammond is ubiquitous." Sam muttered.
"Yeah it's that solar panel of his, keeps him running like the energizer bunny." Jack said.
"The energizer bunny? You're losing it Jack, I think General Hammond is the least similar thing to the energizer bunny that I can think of." Sam responded.
"Yeah, well, that's only because he lives in a mountain so he doesn't have access to the sun and he's running down a bit, relying on battery back up. That's why he came with us, so he could recharge in the sun."
"Yeah, I see, I think you ought to just quit while you're behind Jack."
"Yeah, point taken."
"Why did he come with us anyway?"
"I don't know, he was really upset by the loss of his rabbit."
"You'd have thought he'd be used to losing his hare by now."
"Yeah, I made almost that exact same joke earlier."
"Oh, sorry. I didn't realise I was repeating. So doesn't that one count."
"Well, I'm not sure, but by my count we've done 4 already so we're ok."
"Oh, that's all right then, now, back on to why Hammond's here."
"Hmm, ok, yeah, well I think there was some talk of Hammond being too old and slow or something too, and he wanted to prove he was still up to the job by going on a mission, wants to show he can do more than just sit behind a desk."
"But if he's throwing up lots won't he just cause more difficulties by being here?"
"Yeah, but this is an easy mission, I mean there's nothing here is there? It's just a walk in the park."
"Did you have to say that?"
"I don't believe in jinxes."
"Yeah, well, they always seem to work."
Daniel and Teal'c rejoined the rest of the team. With Daniel's invisibly mended trousers.
"So, what we doing now then team?" Jack asked.
"I don't know, doesn't this mission have a purpose?"
"Er, no not really, I don't think there was any point in coming here, we were just meant to have a quick look round see if there's anything interesting."
"Bit boring isn't it? Couldn't we go explore the woods, we've got some camping gear, we could go see what's in there."
"I don't know, doesn't sound too safe." General Hammond said
"Oh, it'll be all right, what could go wrong?" Jack said.
"Do you have to keep saying that?"
"Oh, sorry."
"I really ought to be getting back to the SGC, I have work to do. I don't have time to go traipsing through the woods."
"Oh, ok, we can stay though can't we sir? Pleeeeeease."
"Oh, all right, but be back soon, just one night out here, ok."
"Yes Sir. Bye."
Daniel dialled up Earth for General Hammond and off he went.
"Daniel did you send the code through before he went?"
"Yes, of course I did."
"Oh, shame."
"Jack!"
"Oh, come on, I was just kidding, and don't tell me you didn't think about it."
Daniel was looking at the DHD, he noticed a small button on the side and with his insatiable curiosity couldn't help but push it. Jack half expected some hideous accident to befall Daniel, but fortunately it didn't. However, the orange dome over the power source flipped back revealing another small block of cheddar cheese.
"Wow, is this cheese ubiquitous?"
"Cheese is often found where you least expect it."
"Thanks Teal'c, you're full of pearls of wisdom today, could you find something else to say instead of cheese is often found where you least expect it?"
"I do not think I have any pearls inside me. How would they get there? I certainly don't remember eating them."
"No, Teal'c, oh, never mind. Come on, let's go explore."
"And cheese is often found where you least expect it." Teal'c muttered sounding slightly stroppy.
The team entered the woods, it had begun to get dark, having walked quite a long way, then decided to set up camp. The seal had followed them all day in its incessant search for ants, for some reason it seemed to have a camera strapped to its head, how it could possibly be filming anything whilst hyperactively running around looking for ants was beyond them.
"Jack, something's just occurred to me."
"What's that Daniel?"
"You have camping equipment with you?"
"Yeah"
"But no spare pants?"
"Well..."
"I don't believe this! You had some all along!!"
"But, you just looked so funny in the kilt, I mean how often do I get the opportunity to make you look a total wombat?"
"I can't believe you did that. That's so stupid, why would you do that?"
"I'm sorry, look let's just set up camp."
"Fine."
In the night the team was scared by loud noises and strange goings on, they posted Teal'c as a guard outside the tent, but in the morning he was gone.
"Teal'c!" They yelled as they scoured the woods.
"It's no good, we'll have to pack up camp and go look for him."
"Which way should we go."
"North"
"You sure?"
"Yeah, I'm sure, that's definitely the right way to go."
"How do you know?"
"It's just a hunch."
"A hunch?"
"Yeah I'm good with hunches, let's go."
"Oh, all right."
"Ok, off we go then, East."
"What, a moment ago you said North!"
"Did I say North?"
"Yes!"
"Well, I meant East."
"Are you sure?"
"Yes."
"Positive?"
"Look, we can do this your way if you like."
"My way? I don't have a way?"
"Ok, so let's go, East then."
"Er guys?"
"Yes Sam."
"What did you guys watch the other night when you went to the video store?"
"The lethal weapon trilogy, why?"
"That's what I figured, never mind, let's just go shall we?"
The team walked East calling for Teal'c all day, when it fell dark again they heard Teal'c calling, and they went towards the noise.
After a while they reached an old broken down house, they walked in it's direction, it was one of those houses that kids usually seem to become convinced is haunted.
"So, who do you think lived here? I mean the planet seems fairly deserted, and there are no other signs that anyone's ever lived on the planet." Sam said.
"That's a little presumptuous isn't it? I mean just because we haven't seen them doesn't mean they're not here. Perhaps the people who live here chose to avoid the Stargate, they don't have to be ubiquitous, it's a large planet, they could all be on the other side." Jack ranted.
"Yes, I guess you have a point, but usually if a place has a Stargate it was built where the people are."
"Yeah, but why wouldn't they then move away to avoid it? After all it does bring the Goa'uld, they are evil."
"Yeah, I guess you have a point, but we never go far from the Stargate, I guess the theory is that if it's not within a few miles of the Stargate it's not worth looking at, and whatever the climate of the area in the immediate vicinity of the Stargate is, that's the climate for the whole planet."
"Ok, guys, that's all very interesting thoughts, but we should really find Teal'c. Let's go into the house." Sam suggested
"Yeah, why not, hey, it got dark, it looks really spooky now. I think we should all split up." Jack decided.
"Split up? Are you sure?"
"Yeah, it seems the right thing to do somehow. We'll cover the place quicker separately."
They could hear Teal'c closer now, and he sounded like he was in terrible pain. His voice was clearly coming from the basement, but the team, for some reason, couldn't tell that, Daniel headed down to the basement, and Sam and Jack headed up the stairs.
"Do you think Daniel's ok, Sir?"
"I don't know, haven't heard from him for a bit, perhaps you should go down to the basement."
"Ok, Sir, you carry on up the stairs."
Sam went down to the basement while Jack carried on upstairs, his search of the upper floors was fruitless so he too headed down to the basement, he heard a scream from Sam and hurried on down, he rounded a corner and fell to the floor.
Jack came round to find himself lying tied up on the floor by a table. Daniel was sat by the table with a man with a freakish grin, he looked familiar somehow, like Jack had seen him on television or something. The rest of the team were all lying on the floor tied up too. Daniel appeared to be trying to help the man to type. However he really didn't seem to be doing well and it was taking him forever using two fingers to type out a simple word.
"Look, now right click in the box" Daniel explained.
The man picked up a pen and wrote click on the inside of a box that was on the floor.
"No, no, no!!!!!! I mean press the right button on the mouse while the cursor is positioned inside the box on the computer screen."
"Mouse?!"
"Not a rodent, the mouse is that thing there by the keyboard."
"Oh, I am so sorry, I feel frightfully silly."
"Look, this will take forever, can't you let us go?"
"No, I still need you to help. It's this project you see, on popular magazines, particularly "Which". You see I was having difficulty writing my which project, because I am not very good with computers, so I thought I'd kidnap people who could help me, I need to get information off the internet and type and everything, but I'm not having much success."
"You can't do this!" Jack piped up.
"It won't be for long, I just need to know how to use this thing."
"With all due respect sir at the rate he's going we could be here for the rest of our lives." Sam pointed out.
"Sweet. And what happened to Teal'c, why was he screaming?"
"I don't know, I was just trying to explain some of my policies, I was showing him my manifesto and trying to help him to understand and to help me. I mean he listened to my manifesto and everything, but then I made him help me for several hours, and he said it was making his brain melt, and then he just started screaming."
Of course, Jack suddenly realised where he'd seen the guy before, it was the British Prime Minister, he could often be found wandering around after the president saying how much he looked up to him, what was his name, oh yeah, Tony Blair. Great, Jack hated politicians, and sometimes it seemed like they were ubiquitous.
"Sir, I think I may have a solution."
"Do you? Do you really Sam. You know just once I'd like it if you didn't come up with the solution. Why can't I have the solution, or Teal'c? I mean you and Daniel aren't the only people with brains. You may have a better brain, but we aren't totally stupid."
"So you don't want to hear it then? We'll just stay here till you figure something out?"
"No, fine, go ahead Miss Smarty pants. Do whatever."
"Well, if you're going to be like that I'm not going to help. You got us into this mess by insisting we come into the woods, you can get us out."
"Don't be silly. What's the plan?"
Sam ignored Jack and began to be very interested in her fingernails.
"Sam! Don't be childish. I order you to get us out of here."
Carter paid no attention, she started whistling a tune.
"Fine, if that's how you want to play it I'll sort the situation out myself."
Jack thought for a while, then a slight smile crossed his lips as a plan emerged. He strained against the ropes until he could get his hand into his pocket and remove the pollen he was carrying around for a practical joke he had been planning to play on Daniel he shook it into his hand and blew it into Daniel's face. Daniel began sneezing violently.
"Daniel, are you ok?" Jack asked acting concerned. "Oh, no, it's that virus isn't it?"
Daniel looked puzzled and tried to say something, but he was sneezing too much, fortunately Sam and Teal'c seemed to realise what Jack was doing and didn't mention his allergies.
"Quick, we have to get him away from the computer, he has a highly contagious virus, the millennium bug, computers are particularly susceptible, it'll destroy any computer harddrive he comes into contact with, hopefully if we get him away fast enough it won't contaminate the computer. Otherwise everything on there will be lost."
"Oh, no, that can't happen, I can't lose my which project, quick you must leave." Mr Blair cut off the ropes binding them and they hurried out of the house, they managed to find their way out of the woods, well to be more accurate Teal'c found the way out of the woods being more adept at that sort of thing. The team rushed through the Stargate to Earth before the man could realise he'd been duped.
"You know sometimes I think our lives read like a series of some Science fiction program." Jack said once they were safely back on earth and conversing in a corridor.
"Yeah, I know what you mean, I mean it's like the X-files or something." Daniel agreed.
"You're right, it's exactly like the X-files, I mean Teal'c and I even swapped bodies like Mulder did with that guy. I half expected to find my apartment rearranged with all my boxes of papers thrown out and a bed in my bedroom."
"You have a bed in your bedroom and no papers."
"Yeah, ok, bad analogy, but you know what I mean."
"Yes, and I wouldn't put it past Teal'c to play computer golf." Sam joined in.
"And I mean while we were exploring that house using maglites, that was just like countless episodes. Plus there's even a bench I've passed that I swear Mulder has met sources on."
"General Hammond always reminds me of Scully's dad." Daniel observed
"Didn't you know. That is him?" Jack told him.
"No, you're kidding."
"No, I'm serious, he won't admit it though, he uses a stage name and goes and films episodes every so often, he's a big fan of the show you know."
"I never would have thought."
"Yeah, I mean he's got pull with the president, he wanted to be on it, Chris Carter could hardly say no."
"Wow, that makes me see him in a new light."
"Yeah, the one reflecting off his head."
"I heard that Colonel."
"General. You know you really shouldn't sneak up on people like that, you'll give someone a heart attack."
"Perhaps if you spent less energy concentrating on jokes about my baldness and more on what's going on you would hear me coming. Now, go see Dr. Fraiser, I want her to check you out, see if you got any brain damage from the blows to the head, although how we'd know the difference I don't know."
"Yes Sir." Jack and the rest of the team all reported to the infirmary, Daniel was still sneezing as some of the pollen seemed to have become embedded in his clothes and up his nostrils, he had to have a full decontaminating shower and take some more medication. Jack would also have to come up with a good explanation for why he was carrying pollen around, although he was pretty sure Daniel wouldn't buy whatever he came up with. He could only hope that the fact that it saved them from a lifetime of trying to teach Tony Blair how to use the internet would somehow make Daniel forget that Jack had planned a rather nasty practical joke.
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