Title: So Much More

Author: quixotic-hope

Rating: R

Summary: All his life, Harry has been told he'd never be anything more than a sex toy. So when he starts a relationship with the man he loves, he assumes it's based solely on sex. But what happens when Severus wants more? HPSS

Warnings: Non-con (only at the beginning), hurt/comfort, romance, angst, fluff, somewhat AU

Spoilers: 1-5 (maybe)

Disclaimer: Harry Potter and all related characters/settings belong to the wonderful JK Rowling. I am (unfortunately) not making any money off of this.

NOTE: All of my songfics have been taken off of this site because I did not want my account deleted. If anyone would like to read them, please go to my profile. The link to my stories is there. Thanks!

Contrary to popular belief, Harry Potter had not had a very happy childhood. He had not had much of a childhood at all, to be honest. His life had gone downhill the moment Dumbledore had placed the sleeping Harry on the Dursleys' doorstep sixteen years ago. Dumbledore had known that he would be condemning Harry to a life without love. He hadn't realized he would also be condemning Harry to a life of rape and abuse.

Harry remembered the first time his uncle had decided to play a "game" with him. Harry was five years old, and Petunia had taken Dudley out to buy a birthday present for Vernon. Harry was left alone with Vernon for the first time ever, and he was terrified. Harry knew that Vernon didn't beat him as much around Petunia because, as much as she disliked him, she couldn't bear to watch a child be beaten too badly.

But now Petunia was gone, and Harry was left alone with that monster. Vernon had clearly been drinking, as Harry found out as soon as he was pulled closer to the man. Vernon threw Harry into his cupboard and started to pull down the boy's pants.

"U-Uncle V-Vernon," stammered Harry nervously, "what are you d-doing?"

His uncle back-handed him across the side of his face and told him to shut up. Now even more terrified, Harry pulled his lower lip into his mouth and bit it, trying not to make a sound. He heard a zipper and, before he even realized what was happening, felt an incredible pain between his legs. If felt like he was being ripped in half over and over again. Harry couldn't help it; he screamed. Loudly. Again and again his uncle tore into him, and again and again Harry screamed. Vernon smacked him again before lifting himself off of his small nephew and zipping up his pants. He looked down at the shaking, crying form of his nephew and smiled.

"You better get used to this, boy," he sneered maliciously, "because this is all you'll ever be good for. No one could ever love a pathetic little runt like you. And remember, if you mention this to anyone, I'll break you so bad you'll wish you were dead."

Things continued in much the same way after that. Every time Harry was left alone with Vernon, Vernon would throw Harry into his cupboard, rape him, tell him that no one would ever love him, and threaten him with a pain worse than death if he told anyone.

He didn't need to waste his breath, though. Harry wasn't going to tell anyone. He was too ashamed. The games didn't stop when Harry went to Hogwarts. On the contrary, the time he spent at "home" was even worse now that he was gone for ten months out of the year. Vernon was even more forceful with him now. Harry had a feeling he wanted to get as much out of Harry as he could in such a small time.

Harry was slowly dying. He had never felt more dirty or alone in his life. He watched those around him fall in love, and he longed to be one of them. He longed for someone to hold him, to tell him that everything was going to be all right, to whisper words of love to him.

He longed for Severus Snape. During his sixth year, Harry and Severus had started spending more and more time together, training for the war. Severus finally managed to teach Harry Occlumency. He taught Harry how to block spells. He taught Harry everything he knew about Defense Against the Dark Arts. During their time together, Harry found himself starting to become attached to the older man. Severus was the only one who didn't treat him like he was special. He didn't expect Harry to be perfect, which was something that Harry greatly appreciated.

As Harry got to know the man more, he realized that Severus had a wicked sense of humor, as long as you weren't the butt of the joke. Harry actually found that he didn't so mind being the butt of the joke as long as Severus had that little glint of amusement in his eye that told Harry he wasn't serious.

Harry soon found that he was falling in love with the older man, a thought that depressed him to no end. He knew that Severus could never love him. His uncle's words played in his head over and over again, repeatedly telling him that no one would ever love him. Harry believed him. After all, you can only hear something so many times before you have to start believing it. So Harry pined for Severus from afar and said nothing.

It finally happened. The summer after his seventh year, Harry Potter defeated Lord Voldemort. Large celebrations were held all over the continent. Harry didn't attend any of them, though. Instead, he spent the night in Severus' private quarters. The two shared some scotch and talked.

"What do you plan on doing with your hard-earned freedom?" asked Severus. "Are you still planning on becoming an Auror?"

Harry shook his head vehemently. "I've had enough of evil dark wizards to last me a lifetime, thank you."

"What about Quidditch?"

Again Harry shook his head. "Quidditch was fun for a while, but I don't think I could get into it again. I don't know what I'm going to do. I never really thought about my future that much. I always assumed I wouldn't have one."

I still don't think I'll have one, added Harry silently. He knew that he would have to leave Hogwarts, leave Severus. That thought brought tears to Harry's eyes. He saw that Severus noticed them, and he tried to brush them away quickly. He didn't want Severus to think he was weak.

Harry was surprised when he felt Severus's thumb gently wipe his tears away. He opened his eyes in shock to find Severus kneeling before him.

"Let me make you forget," asked Severus, his eyes seeming to search Harry's soul. Harry, not knowing exactly what was going to happen but trusting Severus with his life, nodded.

Severus took Harry's hand and led him to his bedroom. Remembering the games he used to play with his uncle, Harry immediately tensed up. Then he reminded himself that this was Severus, not Vernon. Severus wouldn't hurt him the way his uncle had. Plenty of people had done this and found in pleasurable, at least if the conversations he heard in the hall were anything to go by.

Severus eased Harry onto the bed and brushed his lips against Harry's. Harry moaned quietly, and Severus pushed his tongue into Harry's mouth, tasting every bit of the younger man that he could. His fingers undid the buttons of Harry's shirt. Severus broke the kiss just long enough to remove both of their shirts before continuing. He trailed kisses down Harry's naked chest and started to remove Harry's pants.

Harry stiffened and felt Severus look up. Seeing concern in the older man's eyes, Harry forced a smile and nodded to show Severus that he had permission to continue. Severus seemed to hesitate for another moment before removing the rest of Harry's clothes and proceeding to remove his own. Then he went back to kissing Harry.

The skin on skin contact nearly drove Harry insane. Memories of his uncle were replaced with thoughts of Severus. This was nothing like his uncle's games. Severus prepared Harry fully before slowly entering Harry. Harry nearly cried because of how gentle Severus was being with him. His uncle was never gentle. He just pounded Harry into the floor. Severus moved slowly, causing Harry as much pleasure as possible. He sped up his thrusts a bit, but it still didn't hurt. Harry had never felt so good in his life.

All too soon he felt something near his stomach tighten. He screamed Severus's name when he came. He heard Severus come a moment later, crying Harry's name. Severus collapsed on top of Harry. Harry felt safe pinned under the older man.

Severus realized that he was still lying on top of Harry and rolled off him, worried about squishing the smaller man. He didn't see the pained look in Harry's eyes when he moved. He closed his eyes and breathed deeply, trying to regain his thoughts. Somehow the full weight of everything that had happened that day hit him at once, and Severus fell asleep. He never fell asleep directly after sex, but he did that night. Looking back, Severus could have smacked himself.

Harry felt his chest tighten when he felt Severus roll over and fall asleep. He should have known that Severus was only interested in sex. Hadn't his uncle told him that from the beginning? What were his words again? Oh yes, "fuck toy." Harry would never be anything more than that. Biting his lip to keep from crying, Harry crawled out of the bed and pulled on his clothes. Casting one last wistful look at Severus, Harry turned and left the room.

The next morning Severus woke up alone in his bed. It took him a moment to realize that Harry wasn't there. He frowned, thinking back on what had happened that night. Harry had looked so small and sad, and Severus had asked to make him forget. Severus had made love to Harry and then fallen asleep. Harry had left. Severus frowned. Harry hadn't struck him as the type of person to do one-night-stands, but apparently Severus was wrong. Not that it mattered. Harry meant everything to Severus, and if Harry didn't want a relationship with Severus, Severus wasn't going to force him. Severus needed Harry in his life, and he wasn't willing to risk pushing for more for fear of losing Harry all together.

Dumbledore offered Harry the Defense Against the Dark Arts position, which Harry gladly accepted. He didn't want to leave Hogwarts and face the rest of the world. He mainly didn't want to leave Severus.

Since that first night together the two of them started meeting once a week to drink and have sex. Harry didn't really know how their "relationship" began, but he didn't want to lose it. He loved Severus so much that it hurt, but he still wouldn't give up what he had. So Severus would never love him. Big deal. Yes, it hurt like hell, but it was better than nothing. At least this way he got to have a wonderful friend and amazing sex. Severus had commented on how great their sex was several times, and each time Harry had to turn away so Severus wouldn't see the tears in his eyes. His uncle had been right; he would never be wanted for anything else.

Severus sighed as he thought about his relationship with Harry. At first he accepted what he had assumed was Harry's unwillingness to enter into an actual relationship. Harry was only seventeen, after all. Seventeen-year-olds aren't looking for committed relationships.

But Severus was. He wanted a committed relationship more than anything. He was tired of making love to Harry at night only to wake up cold and alone the next morning. He wanted to wake up with Harry in his arms. He wanted to be able to take Harry out on weekends. He wanted to be able to tell the world that he was in love with the beautiful young man. But most of all, he wanted to tell Harry how he felt. And that, he decided, was exactly what he was going to do.

"Harry, we need to talk."

Harry blanched at those words. Those words were never followed by anything good. Severus's uneasiness seemed to attest that fact. Swallowing nervously, Harry nodded and sat down across from Severus.

"While the sex we've been having has been great," Severus began, "I'm looking for more than just a good fuck. I want someone who can commit to being in a relationship with me that includes something more than sex."

Harry's eyes immediately filled with tears. Of course Severus was looking for something more. The only problem was, Harry didn't believe he could be more. Therefore, he knew that Severus was ending their relationship to go find someone else. And why shouldn't he? Harry reasoned. He was a gorgeous, witty, intelligent man. Why would he stay with Harry when he could find someone who actually deserved him?

"I understand," whispered Harry, trying to pull himself together as he stood to leave. "I hope you find someone who can make you happy."

Severus watched in shock as Harry's eyes filled with tears. He had been prepared for Harry to be angry, happy, or disappointed, but this look of complete hopelessness and devastation was more than he could comprehend. If Harry didn't want a relationship, why was he crying? Surely he couldn't be that upset about stopping their current situation.

"Are you all right?" Severus asked him, trying to stop Harry from leaving before he could understand what was going on.

"I'm fine," said Harry unconvincingly. "Thank you so much for our time together."

Severus could see that trying to ease answers out of Harry wasn't going to work. He would have to ask direct questions.

"Why are you looking so sad when you're the one turning me down?" There, thought Severus, that ought to lead to some answers.

"What are you talking about?" asked Harry, his confusion evident on his face. "You're the one who wants to be with someone else."

"What in Merlin's name are you talking about?" demanded Severus, completely bewildered. "I told you I wanted a committed relationship with you. Where did you get someone else out of that?"

Harry was completely shocked. Severus wanted a relationship with him? But how was that possible?

"You do?" asked Harry tentatively, still hardly daring to believe it.

"What did you think I meant by 'I want something more'?"

"I thought you meant you wanted to be in a relationship with somebody other then me," answered Harry quietly.

Severus took a moment to try to figure out why Harry would think that he meant someone else. Not coming up with anything on his own, Severus asked Harry why he thought that.

"Because I'm only good for sex," said Harry miserably. "No one can ever love me."

Severus was completely floored by the look of extreme sadness that once again crossed Harry's face. Harry thought he was unlovable?

"Who told you that?" asked Severus, needing but not really wanting an answer.

"M-my uncle," answered Harry, keeping his head bent down.

"Harry," asked Severus, starting to turn pale, "did your uncle rape you?"

Severus mentally cursed himself when he saw Harry wince but knew no better way to ask that question than to simply ask it out right.

Harry tearfully nodded. Severus saw the fear of rejection on Harry's face, and suddenly everything made sense. When Severus had fallen asleep that first night, Harry believed that he was only interested in sex. Harry had never asked for a real relationship because he didn't think he could have one. When he said that he was looking more something more than a good fuck, Harry had assumed Severus was talking about somebody else because he didn't believe he could be anything more.

Severus was filled with a strong desire to go talk to Harry's uncle and castrate him. One look at the whimpering form of the man he loved before him, though, and Severus knew that revenge would have to wait. Right now Harry needed him more.

Severus gathered Harry gently in his arms and rocked him back and forth. He felt Harry tighten a bit before relaxing into the embrace. Severus could feel Harry's shoulders shake as he tried not to cry. Severus rubbed his hand up and down Harry's back in a soothing manner. Then he pressed a chaste kiss to the top of Harry's head.

"Harry," he whispered, "your uncle was wrong. So wrong. I love you more than anything else in the world."

Harry was shocked once again. This time his shock forced him to stop crying and look Severus in the eye. He saw love and honesty there, and he almost started crying again. Severus saw the mixture of shock, hope, and love in Harry's eyes. It was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen, next to Harry of course.

Severus bent down and gently kissed Harry on the lips. Then he resumed his previous position of holding Harry tightly to his chest. He felt Harry snuggle closer into his robes and smiled. He started carding his fingers through Harry's soft hair.

"Don't believe anything that your uncle told you, Harry," he whispered, begging Harry to believe him. "You're so much more than what he told you."

Harry was starting to believe him.

FIN

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