Real me: I know that there are people who aren't happy with some of the things that have been done to the Resident evil series, particularly with number 5 and how it was made into more of an action adventure game than survival horror, and I know there will be people complaining about the new one being made for the new Nintendo 3ds, so here is what my thought on what the cast of resident evil may think of what has been done as well as when I assume that life is going wrong. The things involving me are not real because I am private about my life, although I will admit that the fetish that get mention I will not confirm or deny. I do not own resident evil, the new ds, or anything that is brought up in the story.
The Resident Evil blues.
March 10, 2011: Improved J's bar
The cast of the resident evil series was gathered at J's bar, which had been expanded to allow more people to be able to come and enjoy themselves, but tonight wasn't the night for joy. After the cast had finished with getting ready for their larger debut on the Nintendo 3ds, they were left to drown their sorrow.
Wesker: this is a new low for us. Not only has Capcom twisted the series with resident evil five, but now they have us on that new ds and marvel vs Capcom 3.
Jill: I had fun in the second one when they put me in, but now we look ridiculous with this new one, and we're still recovering our image from the outbreak series.
Kevin: HEY! Our series wasn't that bad! Besides, the author loves the series! If not for us he would have never played!
*door opens, ringing the bell* when the door opens, everyone looks up to find militarynut2010, your pudgy author, stumbling even worse than usual over his feet with bloodshot puffy eyes. Nobody says anything at first because my behavior is weirder than usual. They are still watching as I sit down at the bar and say to will words that turn the world on its side.
Me: Give me a glass of crown royal with a shot of diet coke.
All but me: *gasp*!
Alfred: D-did I just hear right? Did the author just ask for whiskey or have I really gone insane?
Alexia comes over.
Alexia: MN, I thought you were completely against alcohol!
Me: If I'm going to fail, then hitting rock bottom won't matter. If people consider me a loser, then I may as well drown my sorrows.
Will, seeing the shape I'm in gives me a plain glass of diet coke while watching my behavior. I don't really pay attention to what I'm drinking; I just down it and have Will fill another.
Will: *hands me a handkerchief* I take it something had happened.
Me: I. Am now single.
Wesker: *Winces* she dumped you in a week.
Me: she never even considered me a friend.
Kevin and Chris: ouch!
Me: Now. I am going to drink until my liver just gives up.
Jim: Hey man, just cheer up. I mean, At least she could have considered you a freak.
Flashback
Woman: You freak! Why don't you go back to the cave you came from!
End Flashback
I let my head smack onto the bar as I get even more upset.
Alyssa smacks Jim in the head.
Jim: Ow! What did I say?
Alyssa: You idiot! Now you just made him feel worst!
Me: *muffled* make the next one a double Will.
Will: MN, I think you need to ease up. I mean. You're drunk as it is now. If you keep drinking, even diet coke, you will just make yourself sick.
Me: I don't really care. I mean, if people just see me as an idiotic loser then me getting sick will keep me out of people's way.
Wesker goes to say something but is interrupted by the door opening and the sound of sobbing.
With every one looking to the door, they find a witch, a hunter, and a smoker all coming into the bar.
David: *breaking the fourth wall* HEY! I thought was going to be on us!
Real Me: I decide who is in the story, if you have a problem with it, how about a crossover with you and Barney?
David: *blanches* No I'm good, I was just curious that was all.
The fourth wall gets fixed as the story me lifts his head when he hears crying, looks over, and spots the witch. Defying logic and reason, I go over to the witch, put my hand on her shoulder, which prompts her to look up at me as I ask her.
Me: Why are you crying? I have always wondered about that, so could you tell me why?
Witch: *Sniffling* I was dumped by my boyfriend when I was infected. He said he didn't want to date a zombie, especially one with claws like mine.
Hunter: She has been like this for a while so-
Jim: WHAT THE FUCK! I THOUGHT HUNTERS ONLY HISSED!
Hunter: I'M AN INFECTED HUNTER! NOT ONE OF THOSE LIZARDS! *now the hunter breaks fourth wall* WILL YOU PLEASE WRITE THAT I'M AN INFECTED HUNTER!
Real me: Alright, alright! Yeesh, you guys are worse than my mother.
After the fourth wall is repaired.
Infected Hunter: As I was saying. Her being dumped was so bad that she became as nasty as you seen. I would be to if I was dumped like that.
Everyone except me nods in agreement, but I'm angry now, because I HATE, to see someone cry.
Me: I can't stand this! Anyone who is cold enough to cause anyone, especially a woman to cry should be shot! *turns to infected hunter* where is this guy? I'm going to have a word with him!
The hunter tells me where he is then gives me directions, when I leave the bar every one wonders what I'm going to do.
(Two hours later)
When I come back in, everyone turns their attention to me and a number of the others gasp when they see me banged up from what they consider to be a nasty fistfight. I turn to the witch and say.
Me: Your ex now knows better. I went mafia style on him, breaking his knee caps with a bat after roughing him up a bit. Next time he dates a woman, he ain't going to be forgetting what got him put in the hospital. Anyone who hurts someone as cute as you like that is nothing but a rat, and I'll be damned if I let someone do that and think they can get away with it.
The witch is stunned by my comment on her being cute, but she moves to the stool next to me, and lays her head on my shoulder as she says to me.
Witch: Thank you so much. He had me so upset, that I didn't know what to do. *looks me in the eyes with a pleading look* Would you be my new boyfriend?
Now, I'm still drunk at this point and normally this sort of question would make me nervous as hell, but the alcohol in my system gives me courage, allowing me to say.
Me: I will gladly be your boyfriend! I would be a fool to say no to you!
This makes the witch so happy, that she immediately pulls me into a lip lock, and even drunk, I'm thrown for a loop. When she breaks the kiss, I then look at the others who are still depressed. Getting over my depression, I stand on the counter and shout,
Me: HEY. Why are all of you like this! You are all part of one of the best and longest running series EVER! You have fans worldwide, you all are still going strong, and you are all top dogs in your own way! Who cares if Capcom makes you all look ridiculous! People still love you guys! So why should you be complaining!
Hearing this, they all start realize that I'm right. They all then start agreeing, but the three infected feel left out. Getting off the counter, I go to them and say.
Me: You three should feel just as proud, I mean, you guys are the three most popular infected that left 4 dead has to offer. With all the fans that you have, you guys are the only zombies to truly have such a large fan base. *to everyone* all of you, stand up and cheer! Be Proud!
With that, everyone in the bar stands and roars in agreement. Will winds up putting the drinks on the house for the night as everyone gets into a party mood and starts partying. I remember that I didn't ask the witch her name, so I turn to her and suddenly find myself jumped by the hunter as he tries to uses his claws to tear open my shirt, only to get my foot to his face.
Me: YOU AIN'T TOUCHING ME! AH AIN'T GAY, JACKASS!
I revert to my natural way of talking by this point, which is a blur of gangsta and southern, primarily southern, as I ask the witch,
Me: It was rude of me earlier but ah forgot to ask yer name. Could ya please tell me?
Witch: *giggles* It's Jenny.
I smile and say to her,
Me: *smiling* Now that makes me happy, ah love to see people, especially women, smile, and yer smile really shows how pretty ya are.
She blushes as she giggles from the compliment. Before I can go on to continue complimenting her, I'm suddenly pulled away to find myself face to face with a seriously drunk Manuela.
Manuela: MN. Why are you interested in her? I am prettier than her.
Me: Manuela, you are drunk, too drunk to be flirting.
Manuela: I know that I am drunk, but that does not mean that I can't be yours.
Before she can continue, Yoko uses her signature push to get Manuela out her way, then she pushes herself onto me.
Yoko: I know that you like Asian women, so why not date me?
Jenny, angry over Manuela and Yoko flirting with me, then shove her out of the way and stands in between me and them.
Jenny: How dare you two! MN is my boyfriend, you can't have him!
Manuela: *starts laughing* You? MN deserves a better looking woman like me.
Yoko: No. If MN has a fetish for Asian women, then it only makes since that he should be with me.
At this point, all three start arguing while the others start taking bets on who will be the first to throw a punch and who will be the last one standing and be the one to get me. I decide though that it is time for me to hide until things can calm down, so I sneak to the men's room so that the three can't get to me, but unfortunately, they catch me before I can get there.
Jenny: MN, please tell these two that you're my boyfriend and that they need to back off.
Manuela: Oh please, you really need to stop dreaming. With a menopausal woman like you, who goes nuts over things like sounds or lights, he needs a woman who doesn't behave like a bitch.
Yoko: I've told both of you constantly; he prefers ASIAN women, not mutant women, or zombie women!
Me: *thinks to myself* PLEASE SOMEONE HELP ME!
Real me: Wish granted.
While I fix the small hole I made in the fourth wall, Naruto Uzumaki comes in with his friends prompting everyone to say-
All: WHAT THE HELL?
Wesker: * shattering the fourth wall after I just fixed it* THIS IS SUPPOSE TO BE A RESIDENT EVIL STORY, NOT A CROSSOVER OF EVERY LITTLE STORY THAT IS EVER WRITTEN!
Real me: NOW COME ON! I JUST FIXED THAT WALL! IF YOU DON'T KNOCK IT OFF AND STOP BREAKING THE WALL I WON'T HESITATE TO PUT YOU OR THE NEXT ONE WHO BREAKS THE WALL INTO A FANFICTION WITH THE TELETUBBIES, OR IF I'M REALLY MAD, THEN IN ONE WITH BARNEY.
Everyone shudders in terror when I say this and decide to stop breaking the fourth wall to harass me and go back to the issue at hand while I make sure that the wall is fixed and won't be broken so easily next time. Going back to the story me, I get away from the three thanks to Naruto and go over to them to hang out with them.
Me: Hey there! How you guys doing?
Naruto: Pretty good MN.
Me: *quietly* you really saved me back there; I truly owe you one for that.
Naruto: No problem. *whispers* you should thank yourself though; you're the one who came up with that save.
Me: SSSSHHHHHH! You heard what the real me said about the 4th wall.
After narrowly avoiding breaking the 4th wall again, I start talking with Naruto about what he has been up to and he assures me that everything that happens is past business. While we are doing that, Steve and Jim get a bad idea. While I'm talking with Naruto, they decide to take a match and give me the classic hot foot. Now, at first I don't notice anything since I have my shoes on, but after a bit I start smelling burning rubber at look around to try to find the source. When I finally noticed my foot getting warm, I looked down to it to find the match burning into my foot. For a second, I'm just looking like huh, and then when it hits me, I jump from my seat roaring from pain and anger and put the fire out by stamping on it. I turn to the two and give them a death stare, quietly, I say to them while they are laughing,
Me: You two get a five second head start before I go ballistic.
The two realize that I'm not kidding and run out the door with me running after them when I hit five. Everyone in the bar soon hears Jim screaming and Kevin shouting sorry for about five minutes. After the shouts stop, I come back in looking still crossed but in a better mood. We all continue partying while Kevin and Jim limp back in severely bruised and battered from the fight. While I'm chatting it up and joking with Naruto, Jenny, Yoko, and Manuela are all still arguing with each other over who is my kind of girl. A drunk Wesker and Birkin soon come over and drag me to the karaoke machine to take a turn. Before I start I warn the others.
Me: I should warn all of you, I'm tone deaf, monotone, and just plain awful when singing so as I do so you may want to cover your ears.
After my warning, I go through the songs till I find stamp on the ground by the italobrothers and start the song. At first everyone is covering their ears as my singing threatens to crack any glass in the bar, but then they are all singing along with me and I defy my disposition of preferring not to dance and start dancing a mixture of Michael Jackson and freestyle. While I'm dancing Yoko, Manuela, and Jenny all come up and start dancing with me while everyone else starts dancing. It is the most exciting night of my life as everything starts becoming a blur.
When I wake up back at my place, I have a severe headache from last night, I think about what all happened but after the karaoke session, it is all fuzzy for me. When I move my hand, I feel something soft and squishy under my hand. Looking over, I find that I have my hand on Jenny's boobs. Stunned, I yank my hand off and look around me to find that Yoko and Manuela are also in bed with me. I think to myself.
Me: What the heck did I do last night?
I quickly realize when I remember part off last night.
Me: thinking *HOLY CRAP! I'M NOT A VIRGIN ANYMORE!*
Real me: well that's it. I hope you enjoyed this story, if you want to find out what happened to the others, then just ask me in your review, if enough people ask me what happen, then I'll write what happens. Also if there are plot whole to be fixed, tell me what they are and I'll fix them.
Sakura then breaks the fourth wall while I wrap up.
Sakura: Hey militarynut, why didn't you write about me and-
Real me: THAT'S IT! YOU'RE GOING INTO A BARNEY FANFIC.
Sakura runs off screaming while I mourn over the work on the wall that I done that was lost.
Real me: Why did she have to do that. *sobs*