Response to Challenge two at 6dstargate
Things that must be included:
- Someone must say these exact words: "If rabbits eat grass then goats will expire rapidly."
- Must include a Red Herring (an actual Herring)
- Exactly 6 references to Tom Jones
- The phrase "Bread is good for you" being used a minimum of four times
- Jack has to make something using a fairy liquid bottle and sticky back plastic.
- A pocket handkerchief
Author: Kernel Jack aka Ali
Email: kernel.j@startrekmail.com
Approx Length: 2942 words (10 pages)
Category: Humour/challenge response
Rating: U
Spoilers: None for Stargate except a minor third season one, actually it's a "Major" spoiler :). Spoilers for "Mars Attacks".
Disclaimer: All characters and property of Stargate SG-1 belong to MGM, World Gekko Corp., and Double Secret Productions. Mars Attacks is not mine I don't know who it belongs to, sorry. This example of fan-fic was created solely for entertainment and no money was made from it. No copyright or trademark infringement was intended. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental, except for Tom Jones, he exists. Please don't sue/prosecute, I have no money anyway so it won't do you much good. Copyright © Kernel Jack 2000. All rights reserved. Do not post this anywhere without my permission.
Season/Sequel: Third. This story is the sequel to "The Blair Which project" though you don't have to have read that, it is just that that story mentioned that Hammond had lost his rabbit, so this story is for those people who wanted to know what happened to the rabbit.
Summary: SG-1 find out what happened to General Hammond's missing rabbit.
Jack walked down the corridor eating a piece of bread. He bumped into Janet who looked a little puzzled.
"Jack, why are you eating bread?"
"Bread is good for you."
"I see. Who told you that."
"It says so on the side of the packet."
"Does it?"
"Yes, see, here 'Bread is good for you'"
"Yes, you're right, it does indeed say bread is good for you, but are you sure that bread is good for you?"
"Oh, yes, quite positive, I mean they wouldn't be allowed to put it if it wasn't would they?"
"No, you have a point there, ok then, bread is good for you, go ahead and eat lots of bread."
"I will. I'm glad I bumped into you, I wanted to know how General Hammond's doing."
"He's not feeling any better Colonel. I really don't know what to do, I mean without the rabbit he's just not the same, I wish I could find it for him."
"Yes, I... I..." Jack faltered and looked down at his feet which he began shuffling about, with his hands in his pockets like that he looked just like a little boy who'd been caught doing something he shouldn't have.
"Jack is there something you wanted to tell me?"
"Well, it's just... about the rabbit."
"You don't know where it is do you?"
"Well, I may, kind of."
"Jack." Janet spoke sternly.
"It wasn't my fault."
"What happened?"
"He just looked so bored in his little cage, I thought I could entertain him."
"He's a rabbit."
"I know, but it seemed so cruel."
"What did you do?"
"Well I took him out to different places so he could see some other animals and stuff. I mean one weekend we went to the zoo. We had a great time."
"Jack, are you feeling ok? You took General Hammond's rabbit to the zoo?"
"Yeah."
"And what happened at the zoo?"
"Nothing, we had a good day, I brought him back, General Hammond was none the wiser."
"So why is the rabbit not here any more?"
"Ok, I was just getting to that, well you see it was Saturday, I had the day off..."
~~~~~~~~~~~~Wibble wibble back through time Jack remembers~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Come on then Mr Twitch, are you comfy there?" Jack placed the rabbit onto the passenger seat of his car and positioned himself in the driving seat, then he drove off.
They arrived at a big circus tent, with many families all queuing up and going in. Jack picked up Mr Twitch and the two of them made their way into the circus tent. They sat and laughed as the clowns came on. Then there was the traditional fish-slapping dance of this particular circus troupe, and for the finale of that the slappee picked up a giant red herring and slapped the other clown in the face with it; knocking him into a big vat of water. The audience cheered at the sight, and Jack and Mr Twitch were having a great time, with Jack eating various items of fast food, and Mr Twitch eating his carrot.
Then it happened, the clown took centre stage, he stood there in his wig like a little twig, and asked for a volunteer. Before Jack could stop him Mr Twitch had raced down to the arena, the clown saw him and was amazed; he used Mr Twitch in all his next tricks, and he saw what a star the rabbit was. With that red nose of his he was a natural, the clown had found the part of his act that was missing, the two completed each other.
After the show Jack went down to take Mr Twitch home, but he didn't want to leave, the excitement was so great, he'd never had so much fun. I mean it was all very well going out occasionally with Jack, but that big bald guy never did much more than give him a carrot or two. Here, he was appreciated, here he could do something, not just be someone's pet, he could be an entertainer, he was so happy that he had made people laugh. Jack looked at Mr Twitch and he looked at the clown and he just didn't have the heart to tear the two apart, so he drove back to the base without him.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Wibble wibble back to the present~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"So what the rabbit talked to you?"
"No, of course he didn't talk to me."
"But you thought he wanted to stay."
"Well, I looked at his little face and it was almost as if he understands."
"What about Hammond?"
"Well of course I realise Hammond is upset, but I had to do what was right for the rabbit."
"You're insane."
"You couldn't have taken him away either."
"No, well I very much doubt that I'd have ever ended up in that situation, I think you've lost your mind."
"I know, it does seem a little silly."
"A little silly?"
"Ok, a lot silly. In the words of Tom Jones "It's not unusual.""
"Yes I think you'll find it is unusual. Anyway the important thing now is that we have to tell the General where his rabbit is. We can't just leave him worried like this, he thinks it could be dead or something."
"But, he'll kill me."
"Well you should have thought of that earlier shouldn't you?"
"Ok, I'll do it, just give me a chance."
Jack decided that the best way to break the news to General Hammond was not to tell him at all, instead he chose the wimpy way out. He took everyone to the circus to let him find out for himself, the General would be less likely to murder him in public and perhaps he could slip away into the crowd to escape.
So that weekend SG-1, Dr. Fraiser and General Hammond all settled down into their seats in the circus tent.
"What is the purpose of this gathering?"
"It's a circus Teal'c, basically it's for fun, for entertainment." Daniel explained
"I see, what happens?"
"A number of different things happen, there are clowns."
"Explain about these clowns of whom you speak?"
"Well, they wear wigs..."
"Do they not have any hair?"
"They do have hair, it's just that to look silly they put on a brightly coloured wig."
"I see, they wish to look silly."
"That's right, and they wear baggy trousers."
"They wish to emulate fat people?"
"They just want to look silly. Then they fall over, and throw custard pies at each other."
"This sounds very strange."
"Well, I guess it is a little strange, they just do it to make people laugh."
"Falling over makes people laugh? Is that not unkind?"
"Well... er... no not if they didn't hurt themselves, then it's just funny."
"You did not find it funny when you fell over yesterday."
"Well that wasn't funny."
"Colonel O'Neill laughed."
"He has a bad sense of humour."
"No I don't. Stop trying to confuse Teal'c. It's funny when people fall over, because they look comical. It's not funny if they are really hurt though."
"I do not understand. I do not think I ever will. You people are very strange."
"Ssssh, it's starting."
"Sorry Sam."
The show began well, one of the acrobats reminded Jack and Sam of someone, they both sat there for ages trying to figure out who he looked like, then suddenly Sam twigged who it was.
"I have never thrown my knickers at him." She laughed.
"Sam?" Daniel asked puzzled.
"And I don't come from Wales." Jack joined in as he too realised who the guy looked like.
"Jack what are you two talking about?"
"Never mind Daniel, just watch the show."
Then it was time, the clowns came on. And into the centre of the tent bounced Mr Twitch. Hammond stared. "Mr Twitch!" He exclaimed.
Hammond turned to Jack. "Did you know he was here?"
"I'm afraid I did Sir, I wanted to show you how well he was doing. I wanted you to know that he's happy, and having a great time."
"I can't believe it, my rabbit, he's alive!"
The General had to contain his excitement until the end of the show, then he practically bounded down to see Mr Twitch. The rabbit saw him and leapt into his arms, he'd obviously missed him. The two looked so happy to be reunited.
General Hammond plucked some grass and began to feed it to the rabbit.
"Stop, you can't do that! If rabbits eat grass then goats will expire rapidly." The clown exclaimed, preventing the General from continuing feeding him.
"Whatever do you mean?" The General looked totally confused.
"It's the circus goats, look at them, they have nothing to eat except grass, they will die of starvation if the rabbits eat the grass, rabbits consume vast quantities of grass once they get started, and there will be none left for the goats, then they won't have anything to eat and will die."
"But goats aren't fussy, they'll eat anything."
"How do you know? Are you a goat expert?"
"No, it's just a well known fact."
"Well it's a misconception, in fact goats will eat nothing but grass."
"You're making this up."
"Look, I don't care what you say, just don't feed the rabbit grass."
"Fine, I won't, I don't care, now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to take my rabbit home with me now."
"I can't let you do that."
"What do you mean? He's my rabbit, I've found him, I'm taking him home."
"But what is there for him there? Here he is happy, he gets to entertain people, I need him, we belong together."
"You can't have him. You're just like Nicholas Cage."
"What?"
"Nicholas Cage. He won't give Tom Jones his telephone box back."
"What?" Five confused faces stared at General Hammond.
"Tom Jones sold his house to Nicholas Cage, in the garden there was a British phonebox belonging to Tom Jones, Nicholas Cage won't give it back."
"That's really interesting Sir, however I fail to see how it is pertinent to this situation, I mean it's not like he bought anything off you, the rabbit ran away to him, he just gave it a place to stay. Anyway, I'm pretty sure that I heard that Mr Cage decided to give the phonebox back to him for Christmas or something."
"Oh, did he? That's good. No, I guess it's not really all that relevant, I like stories. Anyway now I'm leaving and I'm taking the rabbit."
"With all due respect Sir, shouldn't you give the rabbit some sort of choice? That way you'd know you were doing the best thing for him." Sam interrupted.
"But, how can we give him a choice?"
"Well, how about the two of you stand at opposite sides of the room, and we put Mr Twitch in the middle, whomever he walks to gets to keep him."
The moment of truth arrived, who would Mr Twitch choose to go with. He sat in the centre of the room, looking back and forth from one to the other, hesitantly, then finally he hopped towards Hammond. Hammond felt thrilled that Mr Twitch had chosen him, however his excitement was short-lived as the rabbit nuzzled his hand, but hopped over to the clown when General Hammond tried to pick him up.
"Well, I guess that decides it then." Jack said.
"I don't understand. I was so good to him, I loved him." The General lamented.
"And he loved you too General." Jack comforted him. "I think that coming over to you was his way of telling you that, and that he appreciated what you've done for him, but he can't miss this opportunity to be famous and to have a career."
"I can't believe I've been ditched by a rabbit."
"Oh, come on Sir, don't take it so badly, you can still visit him." Sam said.
"But what about when the circus leaves town?"
"But they'll be back. Won't you?"
"Oh, yes, we come back here very often, and you'll always be welcome, we'll provide complimentary tickets for you and your friends."
The General wanted to see the rabbits living conditions before he left, so they went to have a look at the hutch he was being kept in. They found that in fact the rabbit had a rather spacious living area.
"It's bigger than my bedroom!" Jack exclaimed.
Daniel picked up the water bottle, it was one of those special feeding ones which the water only comes through when the rabbit sucks. Unfortunately Daniel's hands were slightly wet and it fell from his hands smashing to the floor, water poured over the floor.
"Oh, no, now what'll I do? How will Mr. Twitch drink? I don't have a spare bottle, and all of the shops are shut." The clown began to become distraught.
"Don't worry, I'll make something to use temporarily." Jack said. "Have you got an empty bottle?"
"I've only got this fairy liquid bottle."
"That'll do. Now how about some sticky back plastic."
"Yes, here you go."
"Having filled the fairy liquid bottle with water Jack removed the lid from the now useless bottle and used the sticky back plastic to attach it to the fairy liquid bottle. Using the sticky back plastic he managed to create a seal which reconstructed the leakproof qualities of the original bottle.
"There, good as new." Jack professed. "Except you can't refill it without starting from scratch again, but it ought to hold 'till you can get a new bottle."
"Thank you Jack. That's amazing."
"No, problem, now I think we really ought to be getting back."
"I suppose it's all for the best really, I mean it wasn't really practical having a rabbit around the SGC, and he is happier now." The General appeared to begin to accept the situation although a tear did appear in the corner of his eye. Sam surreptitiously passed him her pocket handkerchief, and he wiped the tear away.
The team sat in Jack's apartment that evening trying to decide what movie they should rent, Sam's only input was that she didn't want to see Watership Down, or North.
"Nothing too sentimental." Jack insisted, "I've had enough sentiment for the day. In fact I think we should get Mars Attacks."
"Yeah, I've never seen that, is it good?" Daniel asked.
"It's not bad, Tom Jones is in it you know?"
"Is he really? I don't get what it is with you and Tom Jones lately."
"I don't know I just think he's really cool."
"Yeah, well I think I have to disagree with you on that one."
"Aaah, but you haven't seen him in Mars Attacks yet have you? Aaah!"
"No, I haven't. That'll change my mind will it?"
"It just might. Aaah"
"And will you stop saying Aaah. What does it mean anyway?"
"Aaah, aaah many times aaah."
"I said stop saying that!" Daniel leapt out from the kitchen where he had been preparing drinks, he jumped behind Jack, holding something in his hand.
"Argh!" Jack yelped as an ice cube dropped down the back of his neck.
The two of them then became involved in an ice cube fight, which ended with them calling a truce because they were both freezing. During their fight Sam and Teal'c had decided that they wouldn't get to watch a movie if they didn't take it upon themselves to go and rent one. They returned with Mars Attacks since they hadn't seen it either.
The team settled down to watch the film and eat popcorn.
"You know, I met Tom Jones once."
"Really, how interesting."
"Aw, come on Jack I listen to all of your boring stories, you could at least feign interest."
"Ok, ok I'm interested, honest."
"Yeah, I was at this museum and he came in. I didn't realise it was him though."
"So, did you talk to him."
"Yeah, he was looking at this artefact, so I explained all about it's history and how it was used."
"I bet he was fascinated."
"Actually he was. I only realised it was him when he thanked me for being so informative and gave me tickets to a performance he was doing."
"Did you go?"
"No, it was a school night, and anyway it wasn't very close to where I lived and my parents couldn't give me a lift."
"I see, the word "precocious brat" springs to mind."
"That's two words."
A cushion hit Daniel in the face, he started to protest, but Sam interrupted them both.
"Hey, guys, be quiet, the trailers are over, the films about to start."
"Ok, sorry. Come on then, let's see if the aliens destroy Earth."
As the credits rolled Daniel commented on what he'd thought of it "So it could all have been a misunderstanding."
"What? They were evil." Jack looked puzzled.
"Well, it's possible that it all was a big cultural misunderstanding. I mean, it was the birds wasn't it?"
"I think you've missed the point Daniel. They were bad."
"You don't know that though, you presume because that's the way you see it, from your perspective, you aren't looking at it from their side."
"That's because they're evil people-disintegrating-aliens, with no respect for life."
"Yeah, well, I just don't think you should jump to conclusions."
"Ok, let's forget it for now, we're obviously not going to agree, and it is only a film."
"All right, I guess it's time to go home now anyway. See you tomorrow."
"Yeah, ok, bye you guys, remember it's cold out, don't forget your cardigans."
"Ha, ha very funny."
"Burning down the house... my house."
"365 degrees." Sam joined in.
"I do not understand this custom. Why would you burn down your house?"
"Never mind Teal'c, let's just go."
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