The Things Drunken Men Speak

Author: MoonStarDutchess

Disclaimer: I don't own FMA

AN: For Mrs. Riza Mustang for her Birthday!

Note: I also learned there are two spellings to the word hiccupped. There's Hiccupped and Hiccuped. My browser's spell check keeps turning it to hiccuped but word spells it hiccupped or hiccuped. Just figured I'd note that before someone told me I misspelled the word. LOL Hope you enjoy the read. Also the spelling of RITZER is intentional.

The Things Drunken Men Speak

"What soberness conceals, drunkenness reveals" - Proverb

Riza found Roy's drinking habits increasingly annoying. Even more now that he was back from the northern outpost. She'd hoped that they would stop altogether now that he was back but they hadn't. He still went out to the bars every Friday night, got plastered, and then the bartenders always called her to pick him up. Then she would have to find the bar, track him down amongst all of the patrons, haul his stumbling body out to the car, drive him to his house, help him inside and to bed, and then driver herself home. She guessed old habits really did die hard.

These events always resulted in a less than sleep filled night for her and she would always wake up late the next day. She liked going by a strict schedule and treasured the structure that it brought into her life. She could be relocated at any moment so the structure was there to add some calmness into her existence. She heaved a sigh as she drove to the bar where Roy was. At least he picked Fridays for the nocturnal habits she wished he didn't have.

Many things had changed in his personality since he came back so she couldn't be faulted for thinking that his conduct might change as well. Roy Mustang was reinstated as a colonel, given his old office and subordinates back, and then instantly went back to his ladies man ways. His reputation among the womenfolk was gaining once again. It seemed the women were now even more attracted to him. The eye patch he wore gave him a mysterious air and the fact he helped Edward Elric save Central made him a hero. A true hero, not the false hero that Ishbal had made him. He no longer aimed to be fuehrer because, well, there was no fuehrer. So he was content to strive to make the rank of general.

She stepped into the bar and cringed at the smell of cigarette smoke and cheap whiskey. The bar was noise polluted with the sound of a horrible country song and the voices of half-drunken patrons. She pushed her way through the crowd, searching for the mop of black hair that belonged to the colonel. Suddenly she felt a swift slap on her ass. She turned and glared at the man that did it.

"Go get us some drinks woman!" the man said in a tone that made it obvious he was one of those chauvinist pigs that thought of women as nothing but toys for their amusement.

"Get it yourself you drunken slob," she snapped and started to leave. The man stood and grabbed her wrist. She turned and glared the gaze that Roy had dubbed the shit yourself gaze.

"I suggest you let go unless you want to start a bar fight," she snapped.

"Oh? And what is a little bitch like you going to do? Scratch me with your nails?"

Riza turned, kneed him in the stomach, then punched him, causing the big man to stumble backward and fall onto a table. She glared at the other men that were sitting with the asshole. "You'd better put that table on your tab," she snapped.

They all nodded. Riza started to turn but felt two arms wrap around her waist. She started to warn the man but his recognizable voice kept her from doing so.

"Is my Ritzer beating people up again?" Roy questioned drunkenly, as he rested his chin on her shoulder. She sighed and turned her head to the right slightly to see Roy there. "You really should be careful my Ritzer. You don't want some man to give you a spanking. I want to do it."

"I've come to pick you up sir," she said, ignoring the spanking comment.

"Wellllll," he said, hiccuped, and took her hand. "It's a pleasure to be picked up by such a beautiful woman." He tried to kiss her hand but she jerked it out of his grasp. Suddenly he looked panicked. "Ritzer! You've lost your hand!"

She sighed and took his hand. He looked down at the hand she took and smiled. He raised their hands up and grinned even wider. "Here it is! I had it all along," he said with in a tone of victory. Riza couldn't help but chuckle. Usually, he was less happy and more angst filled when he was drunk, so it was quite surprising to see him this way.

"Let's get you home sir," she said, leading him through the crowd and to the door. She spotted the bartender and thanked him for the call before guiding Roy out of the door and to the car. She didn't see the bartender shake his head with amusement: lucky for him.

She growled in frustration at the vehicle situation. A vehicle parked too close to the passenger side of the car so the door couldn't be opened. So she opened the back door on the driver's side and guided Roy to it.

"Don't want to ride in the back. I want to ride beside my Ritzer . . . hehehe. You know that sounds like the cracker! Ritz! Ritzer you are a cracker."

"Yes sir," she said, decided to agree with him.

"OOOOOO UH OH!"

"What is it?"

"You are white and I called you a cracker," he said with a gasp.

"It's fine sir, I'll deal with it," she replied, guiding him to the front door. "Get in and slide over to the passenger side," she said, closing the back door. She went to get into the car when she saw Roy hadn't slid over. Instead, he was poised at the steering wheel making car sounds.

"Look Ritzer! I'm Jeff Gordon!" Roy said.

"Who?" Riza questioned.

"I don't know, that just sounded like a race car driver's name," he said and hiccuped yet again.

"Slide over," she said.

"Awww can't I drive the pretty shiny car? It's like a new penny!"

"No," she stated flatly. Roy's silly drunk side was exhausting.

"Fine," he said and slid over to make room for her to sit, making a "wheeee" sound as he did so.

Riza shook her head, a small smile gracing her lips. He may have been exhausting but he certainly was funny. She sat down and shut the door. She stuck the key in the ignition and started the car.

"AH!" Roy screamed. "What was that?"

"It was the car," she said.

"Oh," he replied, instantly calming down. "Is it supposed to make noise?"

"Yes sir, it's called a motor. It propels the car so it can move."

"Ah, amazing. What will they think of next?"

Riza pulled out of the parking spot and drove in the direction of his house. She would have to call and ask the bartender what he drank that night. Whatever kind of alcohol it was, Roy needed to stay away from it.

"I love my Ritzer," Roy said suddenly. Riza nearly drove off the road upon hearing his words. "But I don't think my Ritzer loves me."

Riza had to remind herself that he was drunk and didn't know what he was talking about. There was no way Roy Mustang could love her when he had all those model potential women flocking around him nearly twenty-four seven.

"My Ritzer is the only one I luvvvvve," he said. He scooted closer, wrapped an arm around Riza's shoulders, and leaned his head on her shoulder.

"Does my Ritzer love me?" he questioned.

Riza sighed. He wouldn't remember this in the morning so why not humor him. Then again, was it humoring when she told the truth? Either way, she responded positively.

"Yes, I love you sir," she said.

"My Ritzer would marry me?" he questioned.

"I won't answer that one," she said. "Ask me when you are sober," she said, letting a slightly bitter tone creep into her voice. She'd often dreamed of being married to him but the likelihood of that happening was next to nothing. He didn't see her like that. She was merely his subordinate. She wouldn't deny that she would say yes if he did ask her when sober. She wanted a family with him; she wanted a child with him. She wanted to live her life and dedicate it to him in something other than a work capacity.

"Yep yep, my Ritzer loves me and I will ask her to marry me when I am sober."

"Yes sir, you do that," she muttered as she pulled into his driveway. She turned off the car, got out, shut the door, and walked over to open the passenger side door for him. She helped him out of the car and kicked the door closed with her foot, before helping him to the door of his house. She reached into his jacket pocket and pulled out his keys. After unlocking the door, she opened it and went to guide him inside but he pushed her away gently.

"Beauty before age," he said and hiccuped again.

"Sir you couldn't make it two steps in there on your own without stumbling," she said.

Roy hiccuped yet again. "Please let me be a gentleman," he said. She noted that the slur faded slightly. She sighed and walked inside, Roy following directly behind her walking upright without so much as a sway in his step. He quickly grabbed something off the shelf by the door.

When she heard the door shut and the lock clicked behind her, she turned quickly to see a perfectly sober Roy standing there. He was holding a black velvet box in his hand. Her eyes widened as he grinned and opened the box, showing her the contents.

"I'm sober now Riza. What's your answer?"

AN: And I will leave it here for you to come up with an ending yourself. Hope you enjoyed it.