Author: The*Mudblood*Blaise
Title: Slash my wrists and hope I die
Summary: Wrote with OotP spoils, AU. After the 'willow incident Sirius tries suicide, but is saved by someone (not OC) who owes him a life debt.
Still alive, Sirius has to live with the fact that his friend's might never forgive him, especially since James thinks Lily's the one who's on suicide watch. Pre-SIRIUS/JAMES slash.
Sirius Black was seven years old when he first considered suicide. I know. Shock! Horror! Gasp of surprise! A seven year old committing suicide? Surely you jest? Why would a seven year old boy even think of such a thing.
Maybe because he was depressed and mistreated? Possibly because he was belittled because of his opinions, and forced to witness unspeakable acts that people thrice his age shouldn't even know existed? Or could it simply be that he had a family who were descended from the various nine levels of hell?
Whatever it was that made the young boy want to end it all (and Sirius knew what it was to die; to fall, to disappear, to strike everything to oblivion. He'd seen it happen, spied the effects, felt himself teetering between life and death, dizzy with a dull pain thudding somewhere far off in the distance of his subconscious.) he always talked himself out of it seconds after he'd leapt freefall off his broom from thirty feet in the air, swallowed several containers of muggle pills he'd got his hands on, or when he was in the bath, sometimes he forced his head under the water until he was unconscious.
His magic had always figured it out though, had listened to his slowly changing opinions and had realised he didn't want to die. So he'd bounced to the ground, the pills transfigured themselves into Every Flavour beans and the water surrounding him; suffocating him, choking the life out of him was evaporated into air, oxygen, whatever.
A low bark of laughter echoed through the room behind the mirror and Sirius smirked.
'Other kid's accidentally change the colour of their parent's hair, or made their toys float. I save myself from dying.'
This seemed to amuse Sirius greatly, but when he laughed their was no humour present.
'Guess that makes me lucky,' he mused, fingering his silver athame, 'I never would have met them otherwise.'
He'd never thought of dying by his own hand when he was with them.
Remus. Peter. James.
The name's of his best friend's drew up images of his best friend's, pictures of them flashed lightening quick before his mind's eye gone before he could grasp anything but a glint of what defined their nature.
Remus glaring at him with softly tilted bluey-grey eyes, the hint of a smile and matter-a-fact way he spoke made it clear he was amused, but he had to scold him never the less.
Peter scrunching up his pointy nose and clutching his twitching hands in a valiant attempt to stop himself from reaching out to a grab a delicious chocolate eclair, to stuff into his watering mouth.
James grinning at him assuredly, one hand creeping up to rumple up his raven black hair as the other played with his stolen practice snitch, a sure sign he'd just spotted Lily Evans.
Sirius smiled softly. No, he'd never thought of suicide when he was in their presence.
The smile slipped from Sirius' face and the long slender fingers caressing his athame froze in place.
Not to say he hadn't contemplated the concept when he was burning holes into his Mother as she ranted about him 'associating with Mudbloods, blood-traitors and all that other riff-raff.' Kreacher the House-elf watching delighted from the kitchen as his Misstress so rightly punished the scoundrel, Regulus cackling gleefully from the stairs.
But then he'd remember his friend's. The rest of the Marauders. The 'blood-traitor's' and 'riff-raff' his mother was yelling about.
He would get an owl from Wormtail soon, sending Sirius package's of sugar quills and blueberry muffins his mother had baked earlier that day.
Moony's battered owl would swoop in minutes later, a thick wad of parchment clutched in it's grasp, the contents; sheets of questions being shot at him about his health and safety, and had he done any of his homework?
Lastly Prongs' head would pop into the fire, bright-eyed as he informed his best friend that he would be out of the hell-hole as soon as was physically possible.
James' parent's said Sirius could stay at Rosevine Manor for the rest of the summer holidays, and James would fly over to get him as soon as possible.
Except last time it was Sirius who had fled to Rosevine Manor, surprising the Potter's when he turned up on their doorstep with only his wand and a handful of Galleons.
So, with that in mind. Sirius would set his jaw and try to drown out his Mother's screaming lecture, his younger brother's cruel cackles and that dratted house elf Kreacher's dark murmurings.
Blunt fingernails would leave crescents in his skin, as he stubbornly pushed all lingering ideas of death out of his mind and concentrated on James' brilliant smile.
Unbidden, more recent less pleasing images seeped into his brain.
Remus glaring up at him with blue-grey eyes darkened with anger and fury, blind betrayal and simmering resentment shining where laughter and amusement usually flickered.
Peter chewing on his bottom lip, past white in colour as his lost coffee brown eyes darted from face to face. Arms hanging limply at his sides as he finally turned to Sirius, confused, and so very, very lost.
Sirius' breath caught in his throat and he tightened his hold on his athame until his knuckles were white with the pressure, when the final image hit him.
James. James looking at him in anger and disgust. James looking at him in anger and disgust, shaking his head in disbelief and backing away from him in revulsion.
Hazel eyes demanding a million answers to thousands of questions that Sirius didn't know how to answer.
All you have to do is press the nott on the 'willow if you really want to know. Go on…Do it tonight Snivellus, if you dare.
Jamesshakinghishead.Disgust.BackingawaylookingathimindisgustJames.disgustrevulsion.JamesJamesJamesWhy?Sirius,Why?
***
She was practicing wand movements when she felt it.
A deep pang ringing in her chest, and although she'd never felt it before, she knew exactly what it meant.
Sirius was in danger. Serious danger. She wouldn't have felt it otherwise.
Without regard for her neat textbooks she threw them into her bag, stuffed her wand into her pocket and sprinted off full tilt to where she knew the pain was.
***
He'd never tried cutting his wrists before. Why? Sirius didn't know. It certainly was the most obvious way to kill himself.
Blood, (especially blood like his that was extremely powerful and could be traced back for many generations) flowed quickly and while not the core of a wizard's power, if to much of it was spilled then a wizard's natural energies, magical and defensive levels would temporarily be depleted drastically. Just long enough so it would cause severe damage to the wizard in question chances of recovery.
'In some ways though,' Sirius thought blearily as he traced patterns on his none bleeding wrist, 'he was glad he'd never thought of bleeding himself before, he'd never of had met the best friends, the only friends he'd ever known.
There was no reason now though, not since Sirius had lost his best friends…
Sirius shook his head sharply and tried to jolt his mind elsewhere, and of course he would never been able to save that muggle girl…
Sirius half-smiled. He was too dizzy to remember the exact details of what happened that night, but he could vaugely recall that the moon was full and the bloody-haired girl had been runninf from a rather large dog.
For a while Sirius wondered why the bloody-haored girl would be scared of a big puppy.
'Or was it a dog?' Sirius furrowted his brow in frustration and concentration , the swaying of his body and the pounding of his head was making it increasingly difficult to remember.
Quickbreathingscaredgaspsstumblingfeetswiftmovementmoonshiningclawsflashing.Wolf.
Wolf! No,that wasn't right. Sirius frowned. Not entirely. There was somethingelse…
Redwolf? She-wolf? Fleetfootwolf? Werewolf?-Werewolf!
Werewolf! that was it! Sirius almost smacked his forehead because of his stupidity.
The sight of his red, red blood streaming from his white, white wrist up his arm, onto the floor made him pause to watch it in fascanation. There was so much of it…Where was it all coming from?
Sirius tilted his head to get a better look, twisting his bleeding arm about about . What was wrong with him? Why was his arm weeping?
It was something to do with a werewolf, of that Sirius was certain. But what…? Had the muggle girl left her hair on his arm?
Sirius giggled inanely at the prospect, imagining the blood-haired girl without her blood-girlhair. She'd be bald! Sirius laughed loudly, clutching his stomach at the thought.
Then he caught sight of his other left wrist, it was white. So very, very white.
Sirius cocked his head onto an angle to inspect it further. It was so white…So pure.
Sirius almost snarled at the thought. Vivicously Sirius slashed at is his wrist and watched it bleed, he was anything but pure.
***
"C'mon c'mon," She rounded another corner and chanted to herself uner her breath.
As she ran she'd been asking Ghosts and Potraits alike if they'd seen him, so far nobody could help her.
It did't matter that much, she'd only asked to narrow down her search. She could still sense him and thought he was most likely hidden in a secret room they didn't know about anyway.
She streaked down a reasonbly blank corridor and caught sight of an oval mirror that seemed to blend into the hallway. However, faint pulses of pain and hurt were being admitted from the walls surrounding it.
She skidded to a halt and slowed, edging towards the mirror as if transfixed. All urgengy and worry faded from her mind.
***
Vivid red colour gushed from both wrists now, streaming slickly over his fingers and seeping into the plush blue carpet beneath him.
A constant stream of pictures swam before his vision as conscience began to evade him.
Remus chuckling. James grinning. James rumpling up his hair, James catching his stolen snitch Lily huffingRemusteasing, Peter biting his nails Snivellus pestering, James cursing, Remus scolding, Peter watching. Snape sneering, James scoffing, Remus leaving.
Allyouhavetodois. JamesyellingJamesrunningPeterfrowningSnivellusfrozeninterrorJamesleaping RemushowlingSnaperunningJamesglaringJamesshkinghisheadWhyWhyWhy?
RemusglaringRemusyellingPetershakingWhyWhyWhyWhy?
JamesbackingawayRemusresentingJameshatingRemuslimping.Peterscurrying.JamesleavingNo!
DumbledurelecturingDumbleduredisapointedJamesslookingathiminDISGUST!Nonononononono! AthameflashingAthameslashingBloodBloodsomuchbloodMugglegirlstumblingClawasclashingRunRunRunRun! JamesJamesJames. MotherscreamingReguluscacklingKreachermutteringBloodyhairedgirlcryingFatherlaughingMotherlaughingRemusresentingPeterclenchingfistsRemusgrowlingJamesdisbeliefingWhyWhyWhyWhyWhyWhy?NoNoNoNo!RegulussmirkingMother.Half-breedsmudbloodsbloodtraitorsKrecherinsultingCooolouuuursfaaaaadiiiiiing Reeeeemuusbeeeetraaaayed, Peeeeeteeeerloooooost,JaaaaaameeeeesreeeevoooolteeeedJamesdisgusted JameshatingJames.DisgustJamesdisbeliefingJamesshakinghisheadJamesbetrayedJamesbackingawayJamesJamesJamesJamesJamesJamesJamesJmesJAMES!-
Lily Evans crashed into the room behind the mirror just in time to see Sirius Black sink into a pool of his own blood in a dead faint.