AN- My first foray into Castle fic. Just discovered Castle about a month ago.
She stares over at the man lounging on the couch, an enigma really. How was it that she found herself here again? She wonders sometimes if one obsession has replaced another. The years of pain where she obsessed over her mother's case- the therapy that helped her let go and live rather than keep dying a little more inside every day. Maybe being here, being with him…maybe she's still trying to replace something she lost.
Is it really lost anymore? Gazing at the man sitting on her couch, relishing the memory of his embrace, his sacrifice, his support…they're all good reasons to cling, to obsess, to want, aren't they? Is that really so bad? She doesn't need therapy for wanting someone to choose her, to be there for her, right? Some obsessions are healthy.
Pulling her blanket tighter around her shoulders she remembers another face. Disappointment, hurt, yearning- all of it written so clearly on his face in that last lingering expression as he walked away. It was her fault. She knew it was; because she was obsessed. Was it so wrong to want what she knew she could have?
His voice interrupts her musing. "Hey you, you alright?" Looking over into those eyes- those eyes so full of comfort, support, affection. She felt her heart quiver. No, there wasn't anything healthy or fair in this obsession. She'd reached out to him in a moment of weakness, trying to forget that there was someone else. It was a mistake.
She walked over and sat next to him. Burrowing into his side, she clasped his hand and felt tears burning her eyes. As Josh pulled her closer she acknowledged what she'd known all along…she was the one that was lost. Castle was there, ready and waiting. She hurt him a little more each day that she didn't find her way back to him. Closing her eyes she wondered if breaking Josh's heart was a step in the right direction or one more way to lose herself.
She'd find out tomorrow.