Fuddling You

"Are you drunk?"

"You're kiddin'? 'Was drunk like an hour ago!"

"But are you really drunk enough though?"

She needed to make sure the whisky and vodka empties had done their duty. It was very important that he would wipe everything that would happen next out of his memory. That was the deal.

"Look at me Girl. Hey! Look at me Esmeralda!"

"I'm looking at you Tony."

"Listen, I know I've not always been fair with you and I'd like to express my deepest –"

"Wow, stop! If you're going onto that path, you're even drunker than I need."

"Yeah well, you order me to get wasted, I do it! I'm a good little soldier right? Right?"

She took a second to stare at him. That gorgeous face of his, distorted by the slackening of his muscles made her giggle. His cheeks had turned crimson and his nose was plainly red. Both sides of his mouth were falling, making him look like a sad clown. He could barely keep his eyes open and his hands were going uncontrolled in an attempt to illustrate everything he was saying. Well, saying… Mumbling. It had become impossible for him to articulate.

Watching the great Tony Stark, the unbreakable Iron Man, lose himself in that fashion had been an agreeable kind of revenge for her. After everything he had made her go through, she was allowing herself to have a little fun. Anyhow he was the one who insisted. She could never suspect getting close to Nick Fury would give her such fun. Well, not that way at least. So when Tony sat next to her on the sofa that evening and demanded she would tell him what she had learnt during her investigation, she could not resist. She had scanned him blankly, "Well I can't tell you if I'm not sure you will forget right away". The funny thing was, she didn't start working for the S.H.I.E.L.D. on any purpose other than helping the Avengers, keeping the Earth safe and making good use of her abilities. For six years, she had done exactly that but from her dark locked bedroom on the west wing of the Malibu Point mansion. The arrival of Loki on Earth had made her stir from her place of power as she sneakily upgraded every gear the team was fighting with. For fun. Or by conviction. Doesn't it come down to the same thing in the end? She was clever enough not to need anyone and strong enough to appreciate the obscurity of her lair. But she had grown sick of that sparkle inside her heart that looked just like hope. So she preferred focusing on something new. And getting out there was the newest thing Esmeralda had the opportunity to experience since she found out she had a sister.

There was a time everything was new to her. That was the same time Tony and she had been inseparables. Every minute of sun and moon he had showed her the world she had been banned from seeing until then. He taught her everything that needed learning. And to her who had nothing, he had become everything: a family to share with, a friend to laugh with, a geek buddy to work with. It had been obvious to everyone that it could end up well, as a love story or something. Everyone but Tony Stark. She still didn't know what happened, what snapped in his brain then and made him run away from her. He had turned into a cold and distant stranger and had ceased any communication suddenly and completely. When you give a toy to a child who never had one, it is an enchantment for him, he will play with that toy, caring for it, cherishing it not to break it or lose it. The cruellest thing you can do then is to take that toy from him. Because you just created a need that child never felt before and now the need is there, stealing the toy just turned it into frustration. And never mind the child is not really a child anymore with her thirty-six years and her wasted past. The fact remains that she could not forgive Tony Stark. And there he had come to her, all demanding, as the sun was spreading its rose light through the bay window. He was apparently convinced Esmeralda had gone on a sort of personal mission to explore the parallel activities of the S.H.I.E.L.D. Not that she was not curious. But, unlike him, she knew how to respect a superior and follow orders if the sanity of the group depended on it. Of course she had looked into it and in fact, she knew everything of the "Phase two" scheme. But really she had had no intention whatsoever to reveal any part of it. Instead she had challenged him like she knew he could not resist and proposed him to give away everything he wanted if she was sure he would not remember their conversation afterwards. And he easily found a way to this: alcohol. It was always about alcohol with Tony anyway.

So he had started drinking blithely before the eyes of an amused woman whose head was filling with very weird thoughts. Holding a weak and decomposed Iron Man in her grasp was a chance that might never appear again. She had no intention to hurt anyone of course. But maybe she could finally discover why he abandoned her six years past. Or she could make him believe impossible tales and let him shame himself to everyone when he would storm into a session screaming at unacceptable things that never happened. But the idea that was growing strong on her was a distinct one and she didn't like it a bit. Ever since he had let her down, she had worked hard on associating his image with despise and betrayal. She had kept a very instinctive sense of self-protection: something hurts; learn how to distrust it and never fall in the trap again. But in spite of her brainwash, a glint of hope had subsisted. She tried to pay it no attention but living with him again every day had made it harder. Especially now that he showed regret about his previous behaviour. If he could have stayed a plain asshole in her imagination, that would have made her life much simpler. In the meantime, she found oversight in the arms of Bruce Banner for some time. He had taken care of her well enough and they had had good fun. But there was this weird taste in her mouth each time he had kissed her and she soon realised she was trying to find in him all she had loved in Stark so she ended it. That had made her hate Stark even more. Or so she thought.

"What are you thinkin' of? You do that sometimes! You just tilt your head and start looking weird, as if you were seeing things that we don't see. Stop doing that! You're freaking me out!"

"So you're really drunk hu?"

"Yes mam!"

"So drunk you will have no memory whatsoever of this talk tomorrow morning? That anything that happens from that point will have no consequence? That we won't need to explain or talk about it again later?"

"Dunno what you're going on about but yes, I'm pissed! Plastered, blotto, pie-eyed!"

And before she could have held herself back, she was throwing herself at him.

She covered the space between them in a blink and went for his mouth. The shock of their touch made him topple and he fell flat on his back, his head very close to the armrest of the couch. On top of him, she was taking full control of that moment though it was indeed a lack of control over herself. But she really had no intention on mulling that over. She had let her body take the commands and she decided she would enjoy it.

But something was wrong. Something in their embrace didn't feel right. It was like he was as conscious of what was happening as she was. But that was impossible. She saw him quaff a bottle of vodka straight and his breath was reeking from the half pint of vodka he just gobbled. There was no way his bad habits could possibly have grown him so resistant to alcohol. And when his hand came cradling her square jaw, she could feel his contained desire in the way his fingers went tangling with her thick black hair. Sloshed as he was, there should have been nothing contained about him.

She pulled apart and recognised with horror sobriety in his eyes. She let out a "What the fuck?!" and was going to stand back up to flee the scene but he never gave her the chance. In a smooth sweeping arc, he thrust his whole body against hers, catching her mouth in the movement and jabbing firmly his steady arms on both sides of her to restrain the fall. They ended up on the floor without a hurt, him above, stuck in the wildest kiss she had ever shared with someone. She could discern every muscle in his body pressed against her skin, let mostly exposed by her tiny denim short and a white tank top she had yet to return to Tasha, and she soon clenched his head with both hands, digging her nails through his groomed mass of hair. His lips, sweetened by the whisky, were driving her crazy, working on her with all the experience the playboy Stark had collected over the women. But she really didn't want to think about that now. In fact, she had stopped thinking as soon as her brain got the point: drunk or not, he will have to forget whatever is happening because she challenged him to do so. She had the rights to play with him now, to do whatever she wanted to do, to go as far as she wanted to go for this was just a game. This moment was a frozen and consequence-free point in time. Therefore she would definitely make the most of it all and stomp over the limits she had set herself so far. In that spirit, she kept on scraping his shoulder blades. Her body was heating up every second now, begging for him, and he was doing his best to maintain the tendency. But as the kiss was going on long and increasingly intense, her patience grew thin. She was breaking her self-inflicted vows one by one anyway so why not jump the gun all merrily? Her hands found his belt and slowly started to unbuckle it. And that was the one vow not to break.

He pushed himself up straight instantly, like he had received some sort of electroshock. But she kept his lip imprisoned and stretched it until she could not keep the grip anymore, teasing him with playful green eyes. Despite the obvious reluctance she could read on his face, he rose to his feet, dragging her up in the action. They stayed here an infinite minute, not embracing but panting in each other's face, buying themselves some time to come to their senses. He finally broke the ice, muttering in a low and deep voice:

"Listen, I've worked very hard to kill every ounce of sentiment or hope or whatever it is I am feeling towards you. I won't dare say it's been harder for me than for you but you have to believe me when I say I didn't come out of this unscratched. So when you –"

"Why did you even do that in the first place? Why kill your sentiments?"

"So when you reappeared out of nowhere, more beautiful than ever, all my efforts came down to zero. But you seemed to have turned the page, which mostly pleased me. But this craving would just not let go. Every minute I would think about you, worry about you, ponder on what I did to you."

"Well you're a very good actor then."

"And you're a very oblivious person when it comes to me." That actually left her appalled. It was common knowledge that Esmeralda would outrank Tony in any kind of intelligence, scientific to social. Fury had even nicknamed her ability to sense other's aura and guess their intentions at first sight 'CCS', for coronary calcium scan, medical name of a heart scan. That was stupid because she could obviously not measure calcium rates in arteries but it had made her laugh. So how could he have fooled her? "You see what you want to see so it's easy to bluff you. I've hurt you so bad that your eyes could never see anything I do as truthful and you go on and on about hating me so much. Oh I trust you for that. But look at you now! Grabbing the slightest opportunity to give me the opposite of this shit!"

"I'm sorry but – are you upset?" he turned his head to grind his teeth. "Are you really having the audacity to be pissed off now?"

"After all I did, you won't hate me then?" his deep voice could really become dreadful when he raised it and his translucent brown eyes were piercing her now.

"Hate you? I spent six years meditating about the best way to make you feel pain. There was a moment you were first person to kill before my brother! Of course I hate you! I hate you with all my heart!"

"I hear the other thing."

"But what does it do to you anyway? It's none of your business what I do with my hate, my past and all the rest."

"It just became my business as you sexually attacked me –"

"Attacked you? Attacked you? You fetched the bottles and poured yourself glasses of vodka after glasses of vodka!"

"T'was water."

"What?"

"Nothing."

They both made a break to take a deep breath and scrutinize each other. Tony pinched his nose between his eyes, hand on his waist and closed his eyes to allow himself a hint of a smile.

"What are you smiling about?" He had picked at her curiosity.

"So tell me, is it for real?"

"What?"

"What just happened. Is it true? Do you have any sort of attraction or feelings for me?"

She genuinely did not know what to answer. In a way, she had spent so much time hating him, she was torn between staying in the habit or starting wondering what she felt for real. He went on:

"Because if you have any sort of, let's say, positive feelings, I want you to know –" he stopped.

"Yes?"

"I just don't want to rush it, that's all. You just tried to trick me into drinking so that you could take advantage of me. That awfully looks like something familiar to you that usually occurs in the opposite configuration. And I've come to persuade me over the years that you were not perfect but I really cannot believe that you would do something like that just to hurt me. Because, first, it would mean admitting I have a heart to hurt. And I fear you're still far from this. Second, I am sure you would be more subtle and inventive about my punishment. And lastly, I just know you're too good a person."

"Oh, so I'm the good one now?"

"You've always been. And now look, if you didn't kiss me to hurt me then why?" She lowered her eyes. "Because if it is what I think it is, I want to tell you – I am so deeply sorry for what I did to you." That surprised her again. Such a blunt and naked apology could not leave her indifferent, especially as he was not drunk. "But I will never be able to pay off everything you went through because of me. And I still don't regret. I will never because it was necessary." This guy knew how to kill joy. "Just know now that if it is what I think it is, everything is possible. I just don't want to waste it like I've wasted it so many times before. Every time actually. If this is what I hope it is, I'll make it work. So just don't play games like this again with me. Because there won't be a winner. And that would be a shame when there is a scenario where we could both win everything."

She could not believe what she was hearing. She suddenly wasn't so sure her brain was processing the words correctly. Could that be possible? Could she really be forgiving? Well, to fully forgive, she first needed to know what she had to forgive.

"If it is what you think it is then, would you at last tell me why you surrendered on me eight years ago?"

"I thought you would have figured by now." He said, startled. "Well, I was just too weak to make you happy. So instead of keeping you and leaning on you, placing my burden on your shoulders when you had already so much to bear yourself, I just left."

"What? That's it?"

"Yeah. I know you think it was stupid because I hurt you more by leaving than if I had stayed in the end. But I was too fragile at the time and I think my withdrawing made us both stronger so that now, we could have a healthy relationship." He paused. "Well, if it is what I think it is." She was saying nothing. Just keeping her eyes wild open and gaping at every word she was hearing. "If I had to make the choice again, at the time, in the same conditions, I would do the same again – But you're not saying anything. Are you all right? You look miffed –"

She raised her hand…

"Do you love me?"

"What?" She blurted. He stared at her. "Really? You wanna know that now?"

"Now is the best time."

"No it isn't."

"Well I wanna know now yes."

She gaped and struggled to find her words. She finally let out, "We're in the middle of a fight, we're not necessarily winning, we're against the biggest asshole in the galaxy who is the source of all my problems and whom I wish to see dying in the most horrible conditions." He punctuated every of her words with "I know". "And you wanna know now if I love you?"

"Yes."

"Why?"

"Why do you wanna know why when we don't have time for this?"

"I'm not saying if I don't know why."

"Gosh you're stubborn."

"You made me."

"Because I might die now and I'd prefer dying knowing if I failed getting you back or not."

Her face sank into a sullen expression. "You're kidding?"

"No I'm not."

"You want me to tell you the things I would tell you if you were gonna die?"

"No I just wanna know if you love me."

"But I have to give an answer as if you were going to die?"

"No you must tell me the truth because I might die later."

She exhaled. "I don't want you to die."

"Be-cause…?"

"Because you're not so bad."

He took that not-so-surprised face of his and giggled. "I'm not so bad?"

"Yeah you're not bad."

"What do you mean I'm not so bad?"

Their earpieces screetched.

"Hey Guys, don't wanna sound too dramatic here but… DO WE REALLY HAVE THE TIME NOW?" Steve Rogers was trying to plan the attack in this two minutes break their enemy was giving them and hearing Tony and Esmeralda's chat was kind of perturbing him.

"Sorry Cap'", Esmeralda replied.

"She just has to answer me for God's sake! It's a half-second slot!"

"We're all very interested in what she might say Tony but right now, her brother is kinda putting a lot of lives at stake and –", the Black Widow had always failed trying to reason Tony Stark. She was really not good at it. But right now, it had been more radical: he had simply shut his communication down and pulled Esmeralda's earpiece out, clenching his armor first around it.

"Now. It's a matter of life and death. Tell me." She still hesitated. "What's wrong with you? Seriously, you just have to say no if you don't! That won't affect my fighting a bit!"

"No! It's just that –"

"It's just that – it's yes? Then why is it so hard to say?"

"Because you don't deserve it."

"Of course I don't." His glance had gone as deep as she'd ever seen. "Nobody would ever deserve you loving them."

"Don't die please."

"I told you I will not die. I'm not letting you down on this. I told you. I promised you. This is a fight over you, just for you. The whole world is at stake but you're the heart of everyone fighting this. So I'm not dying, not here, not now. Because I will never leave you again. I've done you enough wrong. This is me paying off."

"You said you could never –"

"Was lying."

"You do that sometimes…"

"Say it. So I can go kick the ass of your dear brother and let you have your revenge."

"Tony Stark –"

"Yes?"

"I love you."

"Well I knew it."

And he took off, leaving her on that roof, the earpiece falling from his grip. She grabbed it and placed it back just when she heard "And I love you too".