What I Deserve
A Divergent Fanfiction
"If you ever go near me again, I swear to god I'll kill you. You coward"
That's what Tris said to me, with her usually so kind eyes ice-cold. She didn't sound angry or sad when he said it, her voice showed no emotion.
I so deeply regret what I did. I should have tried to stop Peter and Drew. I should have fought them off her. And when Four came I just ran away, like the coward I am. I shouldn't have transferred to dauntless. I am too weak for Dauntless.
I am a coward. Maybe I am nearly as bad as Peter. Maybe I am worse than Peter. I was her friend. I just couldn't stand with the thought that I was ranked last, meanwhile the little stiff girl, Tris, was ranked first.
I think about how i could have been ranked first now. I could have won all of my fights, I am biggest of the initiates, which means that I had a big advantage. If I tried harder during the simulations, I could have calmed down fast because when I am under a simulation, I know that what I see isn't real.
I am Divergent. I have a weak divergence between Candor and Amity. I don't fit in Dauntless. I am too weak for Dauntless.
When I came to Dauntless, I thought I one day could belong here. At least I did better than that little stiff girl. I thought that I belonged here more than her because she was tiny and skinny. I thought she was weak and wouldn't make it through initiation. I couldn't wave been more wrong. On the outside she may be small and skinny; but in the second stage of initiation she was ranked first, and you didn't miss that look of full determination in her eyes.
My parents wanted me to go to dauntless. That's the only reason I am here. To make them proud. They didn't know how dangerous it was to be divergent in dauntless. They had no idea about that we would be ranked.
Mom and dad knew about my aptitude test results as fast as I came home from school that day two weeks ago. I am a surprisingly good liar. If I weren't, everyone would wave known about my divergence. But my parents on the other hand, would always see when I tried to lie to them. That's why they knew everything about my aptitude test the moment I stepped into my house.
On visiting day, my father told me to do bad on purpose, during the second stage. And I did so. Sometimes I think I shouldn't have listened to my dad. I may be factionless bacause of him now. The dauntless thing to do should have been to refuse to do what he said; to rank high no matter what. But again; I am too weak for Dauntless.
With these sad thoughts I decide to go to sleep early. When I hear everyone else come in to the dorm, I pretend to be asleep.
A moment later, the lights is turned off and soon everyone falls into a rhythmic breathing. Nobody is crying at night now. They have learned fast to be dauntless. I can't hold back my tears at night, but I always try to be more quiet now. I am too weak for Dauntless.
I can't sleep. Not with the memories of last night haunting me. I decide to take a walk. As silent as I can, I go out from the initiates dorm.
I walk across the pit, passing the Chasm. My footsteps echoes on the pit floor.
There are only a few people in the pit at these hours. The only members who are awake now are drunk and they doesn't notice me. My foots lead me to the drinking fountain. It was here Peter, Drew and I found Tris yesterday. I shiver at the thought of it. I hate myself for what I did to her.
As soon as I am there, I want to go back to the dorms again. Out of the corner of my eye I see two figures talking. By the look of the greasy hair and the many piercings, the first person is Eric. The second one is older with dark hair, Max.
When I first came here, I used to think that Eric was the bravest man in Dauntless. Then, some days later, I realized that he is the biggest coward I've ever seen. He made Tris fight with Peter, dangled Christina over the Chasm and forced Four to throw knives at Tris' head. He really is insane, something has to be wrong in his head. Tris, Four, Christina and Will are truly brave. Not Eric. Not me.
I quietly walk closer, letting the shadows hide me. It really isn't very smart to eavesdrop on the leaders. It could cause me trouble... I push that thought away and step even closer. Right now, I'm surprised that I didn't have an aptitude for Erudite. Sometimes, I'm too curious for my own good.
From their conversation, i can only overhear a few words. The conversation includes the words 'Erudite', 'aptitude' and 'killing'. Eric looks over to the dark corner i hide in. He gives me an evil smirk, that makes his ugly face look even more disgusting. He must have seen me. This will not possibly end well...
I begin to walk away just when Max turns around. He gives me another wicked grin, similar to Eric's. I have never seen Max act like this. What if they hurt me? Or even worse; kicks me out from initiation? Stupid. They would never do anything like that! Then another voice inside my head says that this is Dauntless after all. Anything could happen. I shiver at the thought as I begin stepping backwards.
Somewhere in my head, I knew that I shouldn't have eavesdropped at them. When I turn around to go back to the dorm, I feel them slowly moving behind me. I pick up the pace and half walk - half run across the room. I'm halfway through the room when someone grabs me from behind.
A/N. Okay, so this is the first part of the story. The second (And last) part will probably be uploaded tomorrow! As I told you in my other fanfic, I'm a 12 years old girl from Sweden which means that my english isn't the best. I haven't let anyone read & grammar-check this before publishing. Probably, it contains some grammar mistakes, but hopefully I spelled everything right! Review and let me know what you think :)