Just watched 2x15 and felt very conflicted so had to write this to get my feelings out.
The moment Clarke saw her face she felt the familiar tug in the pit of her stomach. However, it was soon replaced by a burning ache and the taste of bile rising in her throat at the memories of their last meeting. Hot rage clouded her vision with a red haze and she lunged forward, taking the stoic commander by surprise.
Without any visible effort Clarke slammed her against the nearest tree, bringing her fuming face inches from Lexa's. Before Lexa could regain her composure, Clarke had trapped her arms, twisting them painfully behind her back.
"You…" Her voice trembled with fury. "How could you? I trusted you. Did you know that? Despite everything, I trusted you. Don't give me another pathetic excuse about love, because you know what? Love is not weakness. Love is the strongest force on this goddamn earth but you are just too stupid to see that. Love makes a person fight for what they believe in even when all hope is lost. Love is what binds the strongest of allies."
Clarke paused, tears seizing her throat and threatening to spill down her face.
"Those people had families, same as yours. Those people had friends, lovers, brothers, sisters, same as your people. You have condemned so many people, Lexa. So many people. You go through life trying to justify all your actions with your leadership duties but really, you're just a coward. Too scared to feel for anyone. And that's how you will lose in the end. You will die without a drop of love in your stone-cold heart because you're too much of a fucking coward to let anyone in!"
Her voice had become hoarse and scratchy and she could hardly see through the tears that pooled in her eyes. A rush of satisfaction burst through her as she saw Lexa's jaw clench and mouth tighten. Somewhere in the back of Clarke's mind she new that she should be on the floor with a knife at her throat, but the adrenaline of her rant had tunnelled her mind and vision on Lexa's face.
"You think I chose this?" Lexa spoke so quietly that Clarke barely heard her. The tears had finally been released and she saw that Lexa had tears of her own.
"I have a duty to my people, Clarke. You may not understand the importance of duty for the Tree People but nevertheless it is one that drives our society. We have triumphed over countless obstacles to survive this long. While the Sky People lived in your floating city, free from predators and warring tribes, we struggled but somehow we survived. You say that life should be more than just survival, and maybe it should. But life down here is a constant battle and distracting yourself from that is what gets your people dead."
Clarke couldn't remember when she had let go of Lexa, she was too captivated by seeing the girl behind the commander's mask. Voice trembling with emotion and eyes soaked in sorrow, it was like she had become a whole new person at the flick of a switch.
"You may call me cowardly all you like, but I have done what is best for my people because that is all I can afford to do."
Her voice was raised now, almost as hoarse as Clarke's.
"As for love," Lexa let her eyes trail wistfully over Clarke's features, pain etched in every crevasse of her own. "Love is a distraction. I cannot let myself become distracted from my duty to my people."
"Is that what you said to Costia? When you let her die?" Another rush of fierce adrenaline burned through Clarke as she realised she had stepped over the line.
Pure, unadulterated fury mangled Lexa's features and she lunged at Clarke whipping out her blade in one clean sweep and pressing it on her bare neck.
"Don't you ever speak of her." She spoke with such venom, that Clarke felt her anger be replaced with fear.
Tears fell freely from both their eyes now, raw emotion shredding their composure completely.
As if remembering herself, Lexa dropped her sword abruptly and stood up, brushing dirt from her armour. Clarke knew she should let it go and keep her head but she couldn't resist one last jibe.
"Why not kill me? I disrespected and attacked you why not finish off the job?"
Lexa's body tensed and she gazed down at the figure of the grimy and broken girl she tried many times to convince herself she didn't love. Love was weakness after all. She should remove any distractions from her life.
Finally she replied with surprising softness.
"You know why."