Pick a Boat, Any Boat

The Beginning

"You know," said Jane Lane, "I'm beginning to think that today's just not our day."

Daria Morgendorffer smirked despite her growing sense of her own mortality. "What made you think that? The nukes at the North and South Poles? The news that most of the Atlantic Seaboard would end up underwater? Being trapped on your roof while the waters slowly rise past the second floor windows?"

"Well, that too, but mainly how I'll never be able to put this view on canvas. I can't believe I didn't at least bring my sketchbook up here."

Daria sighed. "Well, I don't think you'd have the chance to get it sketched anyway. I doubt we've got more than five minutes or so left before your house gives way."

Jane nodded sadly. "I know. I'm surprised it didn't fall over at the first wave, like the house across the way did. At least we're still standing for now."

Daria returned the nod. "Listen, Jane; I'm glad I met you, even if it means getting swept away. Without you, I'm not sure I would have kept myself out of a morgue or a mental institution for this long."

Jane smiled. "Hey, same here, amiga. I was pretty close to cracking up before you came along."

Daria stumbled over her next words. "I guess what I'm trying to say is, well, I love you. Not in any romantic way, but I love having you in my life."

Jane reached over and hugged her friend. "I love you too, Daria, the same way." As they ceased their embrace, she added, "I mean, I wouldn't mind either way if you wanted to go further."

Daria shook her head. "As much as I hate dying a virgin, I'm not looking to leave this life confirming all the rumors for any passers-by."

"Passers-by?" asked Jane. "If we had any passers-by, we'd be out of this trap, but I don't see…" Jane trailed off as she saw something approaching on the horizon.

Ending #1

A small yacht sailed down what used to be Howard Drive and came to a rest in front of Daria and Jane. A rope ladder lowered, and the girls quickly climbed it, with Jane taking the lead. They were maybe halfway up the ladder when Jane's house disintegrated and was swept away. As Jane got to the top of the ladder, she smiled as she saw a couple friendly faces.

"Hi, Jane! Hi, Daria!" said Brittany Taylor, who'd traded in her cheerleading outfit for a denim skirt and a striped t-shirt tied above her midriff.

"Hey guys; glad we got here in time!" said Jodie Landon, who was wearing her usual threads.

Daria finished climbing the ladder and smiled at her rescuers. "Thanks, we owe you one."

Jane took in the vessel she'd boarded and whistled. "This is nice. Where did you guys find it?"

"It's my Dad's," answered Jodie. "My parents are out of town, and we heard about the flooding, so we figured it might be a good idea to ride it out here."

From the back of the boat, Kevin Thompson could be heard saying, "Hey Mack Daddy, check it out! I'm on a boat!"

Mack Mackenzie's voice replied, "Don't call me that. I know you're on a boat. I'm on it too!"

Kevin continued, "I'm on a boat! I'm on a boat!"

Mack yelled, "If you don't stop saying that, you'll be off a boat!"

Daria turned to Brittany. "Shouldn't you stop Mack from throwing your boyfriend off the boat?"

Brittany shrugged. "Well, Jodie and I made a deal that if Mack throws Kevin off, then I can borrow Mack every once in a while."

Jane nodded. "Oh, well then by all means, please continue chatting with us. I don't suppose I could get in on that deal, could I Jodie?"

Jodie shook her head. "I'm fairly sure you wouldn't want to pay the cost, if you catch my drift."

Daria deadpanned, "And if she doesn't, I get the feeling she will."

Ending #2

A large yacht steamed down what used to be Howard Drive. A basket big enough for both girls lowered to their position. They entered the basket, tugged on the rope, and raised up just in time to watch Jane's house disappear into the floodwaters.

As they reached the deck, they heard a familiar voice greeting them. "Ah, Daria, Jane; I'm so glad we found you in time."

Daria was surprised to see their savior. "Tom? What are you doing here?"

Tom Sloane smiled. "Well, my family was out on our Yachts when this flood happened, so we figured we'd come by and see who we could save. I must admit we're very happy to see you're alive."

Jane appraised the yacht. "I thought your family had a bigger yacht than this one."

Tom nodded. "We do; that's the one our parents are in right now. We got roped into handling this old thing."

Daria noted the sheer majesty of the yacht she stood on. "Well, I guess it's not as great as being rescued by your good yacht, but we'll take what we can get."

"I'm actually surprised you came back for us," said Jane. "I mean, it's not like you parted ways with either of us on the happiest terms."

Tom hesitated before speaking. "Well, it wasn't exactly my idea."

"What?" asked Daria.

"Hello, girls," said a grinning Elsie Sloane, brandishing a long bullwhip. "Welcome aboard my pleasure cruise."

Daria turned to Jane in a panic. "Are you thinking what I'm thinking?"

Jane smiled and said, "I think so, but I'm sure she's got plenty of handcuffs of her own on board."

Daria rolled her eyes. "That's not what I'm thinking!"

Ending #3

A motorboat sped its way towards Jane's house. In the front, Sandi Griffin, Stacy Rowe, and Tiffany Blum-Deckler sat, upset about the situation. "I can't believe the whole town flooded," said Sandi. "I didn't even get the chance to save more than the bare essentials of my makeup collection."

"I know," said Tiffany, looking into a pocket mirror. "I couldn't even bring a mirror big enough for my whole face."

"Well, maybe we should be happy we made it out at all," offered Stacy. "I mean, at least we're alive, right?"

"Tiffany, dear," replied Sandi, "would you please explain to Stacy why living without enough makeup isn't really living at all?"

In the back of the boat, Quinn Morgendorffer looked over the boys before her. "It's soooooo nice of you guys to let us ride in your boat to survive and stuff. Do you think we could stop and save my cousin and that art chick she hangs out with?"

"Don't worry, Quinn," offered Joey, "I'll direct the boat up to their house."

"You?" asked Jeffy. "This is my boat, Joey, and I'll save Quinn's cousin!"

"Hey," interjected Jamie, "it's my motor, so I should be directing it!"

As the three boys fought over the controls, the motor sent the boat flying directly at La Casa Lane. An instant before the boat crashed into the house, causing the house to collapse and the boat to capsize, Daria thought, well, I always thought Quinn would be the death of me.