a/n I'm starting this again bc I keep forgetting to write and then I can't remember where I was going with it, but I'll try and post chapters more regularly
I almost died last night Tris.
Everyones really happy with all this newfound freedom stuff. You're being praised as a hero, I expected nothing less. But ever since you... I just, I haven't been myself. I'm scared, tris, I'm scared... to live, without you. It's, it's hard to explain, but nothing feels right without you by my side. I didn't know you had become so much a part of me.
I visited the Ferris wheel, you know, where you discovered my fear of heights and I discovered a stronger affection for you. It's really beautiful up there, it reminded me of you. I had the overwhelming urge to jump. I'd always been afraid of falling, but jumping didn't seem to frighten me, maybe because I was in control. I just wanted to be with you tris, forever. I was just about to step off the edge when I heard a creak behind me.
When I turned around, there was a guy, holding a torch with a somewhat embarrassed and sheepish look on his face. He was wearing a uniform and I assume he's probably a sentry, watching over the park. He wasn't there to march me off the property, he wasn't there to thank me for 'everything you've done to help us', or tell me that he was 'sorry about the death of tris and that she was dearly missed'. There was a small thought in the back of mind that said, maybe he's come to tell you not to jump, and I didn't realise how much I wanted that until that moment, but he wasn't there to do that either.
As I stared at him and waited for him to say something, anything, he began to slowly back away, fumbling back down the ladder. I felt bad and called out to him, asked him why he was up here, he said
'I heard rumours that you were afraid of heights but that you had conquered your fears by climbing up here... With tris,' he looked down now, he seemed sorry for mentioning you, but continued after a few seconds, ' Ive also got a fear of heights, and when I overheard these stories, it inspired me. So I came up here tonight, I've been pacing back and forth at the bottom for about half an hour, debating whether I could actually do this,' he laughed nervously, 'but I decided to do it, obviously, and I'm glad I did, the sky is stunning up here.' We looked at the sky together for a little bit before he said, 'anyway sorry if I bothered you, I'll go now'
I told him, it was fine and I was leaving now anyway. At that point I climbed back down. In the time that he'd spoken to me, I'd forgotten the emotions that were threatening to take over and the fact that Ive inspired someone to conquer their fears, I guess makes me feel like I can't let that guy down, and give up. But you'll never understand how much I need you, I didn't.
Oh, your brother is doing well, he's currently researching a new octopus species or something that was sent in from the coast. I donno, but he seems alright, losing you was really tough on him.
Umm, there been a lot work going into fixing up the city. We've been focusing on finding places for those who were factionless and getting supplies to them.
There was a fireworks display last week, celebrating everything we've survived and those who didn't. I couldn't have said anything about you, it was practically impossible watching others do it. Christina choked up halfway through her speech and had to leave the stage, we've been keeping each other company. But the fireworks were amazing, you would've loved them.