Note: Written belatedly for a friend.
I do not own any of these characters or their opinions. They belong to the great master Kishimoto, and their opinions manifested out of the abyss.
Warnings: Innuendo. General badness. Crack. TPW (time passes weird).
Happy Birthday, Yanni! My oven's broken, so please accept this pathetic fake-cake. Aishiteiru.
Cabin Fever
Naruto: Perfection!
Kiba: What a mess.
Naruto: Don't dis the packing job.
Kiba: We're not gonna fit in there. Where is Akamaru s'posed to sit?
Naruto: On top. And sure we ar – hey, Sasuke! What're you - ? Hey! Don't touch that!
Sasuke: I'm fixing it.
Naruto: What? Don't! I spent hours fitting everything in!
Sasuke: And you forgot the food.
Naruto: No, the cooler is at the bottom.
Sasuke: Empty.
Naruto: Shit.
…
Naruto: My packing job was better.
Sasuke: Shut up, idiot.
Naruto: It's really cramped back here.
Sasuke: Boo-fucking-hoo.
Naruto: If we'd left it my way – argh! Back, Akamaru! Kiba, help! He's smothering me!
Kiba: Just push him.
Naruto: He's fucking bigger than I am. You push him!
Kiba: So Sasuke, think we should leave him to die?
Sasuke: Yes, let's.
Naruto: What? Traitors! All this way and I'm going to die here, under your dog!
Kiba: Naruto, we just left the driveway.
Naruto: Even worse!
Kiba: Fine. When we stop for burritos we'll switch seats. Sasuke, you don't mind driving?
Sasuke: Hn.
Naruto: Hey, I can drive.
Kiba: I thought you were suffocating.
Naruto: I am.
Kiba: Do it quieter.
Naruto: Fuck you. Why burritos?
Kiba: Because I said so. And it's on the way.
Naruto: Fine, I guess that's good. I'm starving, and Sakura said she was hungry.
Kiba: When did you talk to Sakura?
Naruto: While Mister Pearl of Wisdom here was playing Jenga with the bags. She called to say tryouts were over.
Kiba: And you never thought to mention it? She's going to be pissed we took so long.
Sasuke: It's not like we could have left without the food.
Naruto: Oh, we're here! Carne! Carne, please! I want it big and fat and juicy.
Sasuke: You want me to give it to you?
Naruto: No, I'll give it to you.
Kiba: Guys? Burritos, please?
Naruto: Right. Sakura wanted chicken, grilled, extra salsa.
Kiba: And I'll have the same as Naruto… without innuendo.
Naruto: You know, I don't think he even heard you.
Kiba: Balls.
Naruto: So how do we do this?
Kiba: Hmm?
Naruto: The seat-swap. Now that the caveman is off hunting and shotgun is mine, how do I get there without Akamaru running off into the street and killing himself?
Kiba: Um, you can just open your door. He's smart enough not to jump into traffic.
Naruto: Yeah right. I can't even reach the door under all this hairy flab.
Kiba: Well, sucks to be you then.
Naruto: Kiba!
Kiba: Fine. Akamaru, c'mere boy.
Naruto: Ugh, finally. Circulation is returning to my thighs. Ew, Sasuke's seat is still warm.
Kiba: Too much info, man. And that's creepy. Hey Akamaru, scoot over a little, I'm coming back there.
Naruto: Oh, hey Sasuke, that was fast. Did you know your ass is really hot?
Sasuke: Glad you finally noticed, idiot.
Naruto: Huh?
Sasuke: Yours and yours.
Kiba: Thanks, man.
Naruto: I think I'll hold out a while.
Sasuke: You said you were starving.
Naruto: Well, wouldn't it be nice for somebody to wait and eat with Sakura?
Sasuke: No.
Kiba: Just dig in. I can hear your stomach from here.
Naruto: Hey, say it don't spray it.
Kiba: Oh fuck this tastes amazing.
Sasuke: Mm.
Naruto: You guys can stop with the foodgasm noises. I said cut it out!
Kiba: You know you want it, Naruto.
Naruto: Stop tempting me! You guys are horrible. I'll pee on your graves!
Kiba: … So it tastes good then?
Naruto: Oh god yes.
…
Naruto: Hey, wasn't that the school? You passed it.
Sasuke: She's in the gym.
Naruto: So?
Sasuke: In the back.
Naruto: Well I knew that.
Kiba: There she is. I'm letting Akamaru out. I'll be right back.
Naruto: I don't see her.
Sasuke: She's talking to someone. Probably the JV coach.
Naruto. Oh. Oho, I see how it is. A blooming, scandalous sexcapade!
Sasuke: He's not her type.
Naruto: You're just jealous.
Sasuke: Oh, totally.
Naruto: … Please don't ever say that again.
Sasuke: Hn.
Naruto: So? What's he look like?
Sasuke: I'd say he's about twenty-five, still lives with his mom, and is rotund.
Naruto: Oh baby. Let's pick him up. I want that in my sleeping bag tonight.
Sasuke: Shut up, Naruto.
Naruto: No way! I'm planning my dramaful threesome.
Sasuke: Shut up or I'll make you.
Naruto: Ooh, make me, make me!
Sakura: Am I walking in on something here?
Naruto: Hey, Sakura! How were tryouts?
Sakura: Good. It looks like we've got strong players on varsity. How are you, Sasuke?
Sasuke: Vengeful.
Naruto: Well, what else is new. Was that the JV coach you were just talking to?
Sakura: Yeah, he's a bit of a creep.
Naruto: … Kinky.
Sakura: Ew, I hope not.
Kiba: Hey Sakura, what's up?
Sakura: Not much. Where were you?
Kiba: Over there. Akamaru had to take a dump.
Naruto: You mean you had to take a dump.
Kiba: No, and don't say shit like that! Sakura might believe you.
Sasuke: I'm starting the car. Get in or get lost.
Kiba: Okay, okay, geez. Sorry it's so crowded. Why don't you crawl in and I'll squish your bag in the back.
Sakura: Thanks.
Naruto: Watch out for Akamaru, he's a bladder-crusher.
Kiba: I told you to quit talking shit, Naruto. He'll be in the back, don't worry.
Sakura: I'm not worried. My tampons are premium quality. … Kiba, are you alright?
Naruto: I don't think he's breathing.
Sakura: Oh, well. Is that my burrito?
…
Naruto: So where are we going, anyway?
Kiba: Wait, you seriously don't know?
Naruto: Well I know it's up north. Somewhere. Someplace. In Oregon, maybe.
Sakura: Naruto, we've been planning this trip for weeks!
Naruto: Yeah? So?
Kiba: So study the map, 'cause you're in the navigator's seat.
Naruto: Why can't you or Sakura navigate?
Kiba: We're squished in the back with the gear. Or would you like a lapful of Akamaru?
Naruto: I'll give you a fistful of shut up, that's what you'll get. Fine. Gimme the damn map.
Sakura: … Did we even buy one?
Kiba: Sasuke? You did the shopping.
Sasuke: It's not like it was on the dumbass list.
Naruto: Well, I guess I won't be able to do any navigating.
Sakura: Don't get too happy, Naruto. We'll just pick one up on the way.
Naruto: But it would be so troublesome to stop just for a map.
Sakura: We'll need gas anyway.
Naruto: Aww…
…
Sasuke: Roll up the window. You're making the car rattle.
Sakura: Is a little fresh air really too much to ask for?
Sasuke: I'm driving. It's obnoxious.
Sakura: Kiba isn't wearing deodorant. It stinks.
Kiba: Hey!
Naruto: Keep it open, Sakura. I think I'm starting to smell it, too.
Sasuke: Stay out of this, Naruto.
Naruto: Remember that time on the way to the aquarium? With the broken air conditioning?
Sasuke: …
Kiba: That was one time –
Naruto: … all smashed together in the back…
Sasuke: …
Kiba: Don't open your window, too!
Naruto: I knew you'd see it my way. Freshman year, baby. Freshman year.
…
Naruto: Why are we stopping? Are we there already?
Sasuke: Gas, Naruto. We're going to Humboldt county.
Naruto: So? Fuck you, it's not like I know where that is.
Kiba: Well, it's not in suburban Los Gatos, that's for sure.
Sakura: We're stopping in Santa Rosa first, though, right?
Kiba: Yeah, for Shino.
Sasuke: Humboldt is above San Francisco.
Naruto: Well, that's not very far.
Sasuke: It's farther north than Marin.
Naruto: Holy shit, there's a north of Marin?
Kiba: Sometimes, when I meet people who can't see beyond their own provincial little worlds it punches holes in my American pride. Like, fuck, how could we be so ignorant?
Sasuke: It's called Northern California, Naruto. Then Oregon, Washington and Canada.
Naruto: Oh, yeah! I forgot about those.
Sasuke: Naruto, you're embarrassing those of us who passed third grade.
Naruto: So what if I don't know all the states?
Sakura: Kiba, it's okay. I don't think he means it –
Kiba: Please say you know that Canada is a country.
Naruto: Canada, eh?
Kiba: Oh, so not funny.
…
Naruto: Whoa, Sakura, was that a sneeze?
Sakura: Yeah, sorry. I think I'm allergic to the Silicon Valley.
Naruto: Oh, I totally feel ya. Hell, I used to commute here for work.
Sakura: … I meant the pollen, Naruto. I've got allergies.
Naruto: Well, you could have been sensing the overworked, overstressed vibe. I know it makes me sneeze.
Sakura: … Don't you and Kiba both live with Sasuke?
Naruto: Yeah, but that's just one person. Here it's like a whole cannibal tribe of workaholics. It wreaks havoc on me.
Sakura: Or maybe it's the pollen.
Naruto: Nah, that would be too boring.
A/N: This is the first installment of many. Number two is already written. You'll see it next week.