Everything belongs to Stephenie Meyer

-Edward's POV-

Carlisle called us all in for a family conference.

I dropped Bella off at her place quickly, but didn't tell her what was going on. There didn't seem to be a point in worrying her, when I didn't even know what was going on yet. However, he did mention it was urgent, and hadn't bothered to give me any details. I drove back to the house, wondering what could be wrong this time. It sounded quite serious, so I sped even more so than usual, trying hard not to assume the worst.

The air was tense, and I would have been sweating if I could have by the time I pulled the Volvo into the garage. The others were waiting for me outside, and they looked about as bad as I felt.

I followed them into Carlisle's office. Jasper was his usual silent self. Alice was fidgeting nervously. Rosalie was yelling at Emmett about something stupid (I think she was accusing him of putting Nair in her shampoo bottle, which of course, isn't funny at all. Hehe.) Although, everybody seemed to be just as clueless as me on the subject.

We burst into the office, anxious to make sure everything was alright. And everything was. Carlisle was sitting in his office chair, Esme by his side, and by them was someone I assumed was a patient until we realized -

"HOLY CHOCOLATE STARFISH!" Emmett shouted, grabbing the water gun hung off the wall and aiming it straight at the girl sitting in the chair next to Carlisle. The water gun was his idea - he put holy water in it in case of an "emergency". (I don't think we explained the rules of vampirism to him properly ...)

We all just stood there in horror, for there, sitting next to Carlisle with her legs crossed delicately, was Jane. As in, Jane from the Volturi. Yeah, I didn't believe it either for a second there.

"Emmett, put the gun down," Carlisle said, bored. "Jane, dear. Will you please wait outside?"

She giggled innocently. "Absolutely," she said, and looked over and winked at me. Yes, she actually WINKED at me. What the hell was going on here?

The minute she slammed the door, we turned on him.

"You've got five seconds to explain this, Carlisle or I swear -" Rosalie started dangerously, hunching over towards him when he beamed.

"Children," he said, his eyes twinkling. "I have just come up with the best idea diffuse the Volturi problem we've been having." We all frowned, waiting impatiently. "Well, as you've noticed, they seem to want to destroy us, correct? This whole Bella thing has been a strain on us all, so I figured ... why don't we just make peace with the Volturi? And well - Emmett, put down the gun - since Edward has refused to get a move on -"

"May I play with the gun?" Alice asked eagerly, not really paying attention.

"No. So since Edward refuses to change Bella, I've come up with a solution dear Jane has agreed to ... an arranged marriage."

Dead silence.

"Say what?" I said.

Carlisle beamed again. "Isn't it brilliant? We'll be part of the Volturi clan, and therefore will have protection over Bella! Plus, we'll be family, this whole situation will be water under the bridge."

"Wait, hold on ... who's marrying who?" Alice asked.

"Edward will be marrying Jane," he chirped, his eyes unusually bright.

Dead silence. Seriously - the crickets: dominant. I think I heard them orchestrating.

Alice and Esme raised their eyebrows. Emmett and Rosalie had their jaws dropped. And Jasper ... well, he just stood there like the clueless, silent dumb ass he was.

It had finally happened, I thought sadly. After all those centuries of him being deprived of blood and fighting his instincts, he had finally cracked and become a total and utter basket case.

"Er - Carlisle? Let's put aside the fact that she's a deranged psychopathic killer for just one second," I said, laughing nervously. It probably wasn't a good idea to upset him if he was truly this unbalanced. Nobody joined in. "I kind of already have a fiancée, in case you've forgotten."

He frowned. "This isn't necessarily forever, Edward. It's only until we get on the Volturi's good side, or until you decide change Bella."

"I'll change Bella then!" I screeched. "Did THAT ever occur to you first before you set me up with equivalent of Butcher Barbie from the Vampire Mafia?"

"What about her soul?"

"Screw her soul!" I whimpered. "What about my soul? Sorry, but I'd rather pick the fiancée that doesn't have me staring at the ceiling all night long worrying about her trying to stab me in my sleep."

"You don't sleep, man," Emmett put in.

I gritted my teeth. "Is that really the point here?" I turned to my stepfather. Sorry ... EX stepfather.

"Why me?"

"Because you're the only one left unmarried. And besides, this is your fault."

"And you're a few sandwiches short of a picnic!"

"Edward, stop being a whiny baby and just do it," Alice muttered.

I gaped around at my family, who all seemed to agree with Carlisle. This was ridiculous, how could they actually consider doing this to me? Traitors.

"I'll do it," I said. "I'll just change her tonight, I'm not marrying that maniac."

Carlisle winced. "Sorry, that is no longer an option."

I groaned. "Why NOT?"

"Because I already told her that it was decided. Jane's really looking forward to this, apparently she really likes you."

"Yeah, I got that when she laughing at my writhing agony on the stone floor. That was a great day."

"Edward, you have to," Rosalie said. "You'll know what she'll do to you if you don't."

I paled (well, I guess I couldn't really pale, so much as ... intense my pallor?) and sighed, running my fingers through my prized bronze hair. Rosalie was right, I was screwed. "So I don't get it," I said shortly, accepting defeat. "How is this going to work?"

Just then, Jane burst back into the room, glowing. I'll bet she listened on every word we said ...

"We scheduled the wedding for next Saturday," Carlisle smiled.

I guffawed. "Today's Sunday!" I shouted, forgetting temporarily that my pain-inducing fiancée was right beside me. "That gives us less than a week! We can't do this in less than a week!"

"On the contrary," Carlisle said. "We can. Don't worry, I've picked out a wedding planner, booked a place and everything. All you need to do is make the decisions. Edward, I want you to make a public proposal, and you better do it soon."

"Wha - no! What about Bella?"

"She'll understand, won't she? I mean really, we're sort of doing this for her."

"Oh!" Alice said. "Do it at school tomorrow! Everybody will see it there, it'll be fantastic."

Jane gasped. "What a splendid idea! Oh please Edward!" she said, pulling on my sleeve like a child. A child that would ripple antagonizing, white-hot convulsions if she didn't get her way.

"Yeah, sure," I said robotically. "I'll propose to you tomorrow at school."

"And play a romantic song!" Alice went on. "Put on a spotlight, walk to her through the crowd -"

"Hey, Alice?" I said sweetly. "SHUT UP!"

"All good ideas," Jane said looking up at me like a trapped rat.

My protests were drowned out as everyone started chatting excitedly, and that was when I knew, I had lost and this whole chain of events began.

So that was it. I was going to marry Jane Volturi out of some twisted loyalty for my family and other fiancée, for who knows how long. I looked up at Carlisle, who looked pleased with himself for his great idea. That poor, confused loon. He genuinely thought this was a great idea ...

"Bella's going to kill me," I sighed under my breath.

I had a feeling that by the end of this, they'd be taking me out in a straitjacket.

A/C: Holy Chocolate Starfish, batman! - Smallville