No Angel, No Sin
You said you'd light a candle
And you'd say a prayer for me
I feel the light has dimmed and gone
Half the world is begging
While the other half steals
Where did everything go wrong?
Lucas checks the monitor one more time. The flight is delayed. Only fifteen minutes, but still, he hasn't seen Peyton and Brooke since he went to visit them in LA a month ago, he misses them like crazy. Along with Haley and Lilly, those are the girls that have his heart. The plane has finally landed. He rearranges the flowers he's just gotten, to Peyton, wanting them to be perfect. Only a few more minutes till he sees… just Brooke. He keeps looking around, hoping his girlfriend will appear behind her best friend, but she doesn't.
"You don't have to act so happy to see me", Brooke's cheery voice can be heard as she comes closer. He immediately lightens up, forgetting, for a second, why he was looking grumpy in the first place. "She has to stay, for a few more days", she explains, apologetically. "There still some stuff she needs to finish up, at the label. She misses you, though."
He smiles as he looks at her. A little disappointed that Peyton didn't show up, but happy that Brooke's there. So he reaches up and gives her the flowers. "Well, welcome home, then."
"It's becoming a habit, you know? Taking flowers from you at the airport, that weren't really meant for me", she laughs as she takes them from his hand anyway, "But thanks, I'll make sure Peyton knows they were originally hers when she gets here".
The natural way she talks about Peyton, the way she's ok with it, the way she doesn't seem to hurt anymore, that was all he hoped to see all summer long. That was all he wanted. For Brooke Davis to be happy, truly happy, and alright with their situation. So why is it that now he feels so… so sad to see she's moved on?
"Peyton told me about you and Chase", he let it slip, before he could help himself.
Brooke doesn't seem to mind. "Yeah, it just wasn't working anymore. I guess the distance didn't help, either, you know?" she bites her bottom lip on that way only she can do, and the dimples appear more clearly on her cheeks.
"Are you ok?"
"I guess… as long as I don't run into him for a while, I think I'll be fine", she shrugs, but he can notice a hint of sadness there. He can't quite figure out the reason, though. Doesn't seem to be about Chase. Or at least not just about Chase, it's something more than that. Suddenly he remembers the times she could let her guard down around him, with no restrictions. And he misses those few times. He wraps his arms around her shoulders, and helps with her bag cart with the other arm, leading her out of the airport.
"Come on… Haley, Nathan and Jamie can't wait to see you"
Some days I can't believe
Others, I'm on my knees
Trying to be heard
"Brooke!" Haley runs to her friend as soon as the car stops, hugging her tightly. "God, I missed you so much! Hey!" she pulls away, looking around with her eyebrows kinked, "Where's Peyton?"
"She couldn't come today. She'll stay till the end of the week. But please, Haley, let me see my godson now! He was this tiny little baby when…" Nathan walks outside cradling a very agitated James in his arms.
"I think someone's hungry again, Hales", he says, handling the boy to his mother so that he could give Brooke a hug. "Hey Davis, good to see you again"
"You too, Nate. God, I can't believe how big this little guy's gotten", she quickly moves closer to Haley and James. The baby looks at her and smiles happily, reaching his little arms for her to hold him. "Oh my god, you wanna come with your godmommy, don't you? Don't you wanna come with aunt Brooke? Come on, little boy", she makes a baby voice while Haley hands him the boy, who seems to forget he was hungry while playing with Brooke's hair. They walk back inside the house.
"I'll get your things, Brooke. Put them in your room. Luke… little help here?" Nathan points to the dozen bags the girl brought. They glance at Brooke, who simply smiles innocently and hands them her purse also. The guys can barely climb up the stairs with so much luggage, Haley and Brooke giggle and can hear Nathan mumbling something before they disappear out of their sight.
"So Brooke… three months in LA! We're gonna need a whole week till you fill my in on everything!"
"We'll do that soon, Tutor Girl, but for now I just wanna squeeze this little guy here cause I missed him sooo much", she raises baby James in the air, making him giggle happily, and then starts tickling him non stop. But soon he starts to cry a little. "Awww what is it, Jamie? You don't like auntie Brooke anymore?" Brooke said, pouting.
"Nah, he loves auntie Brooke, don't you, baby? He's just hungry, and probably sleepy too." With that, Haley takes the baby from the girl's hands and sits down to breast feed him, playing with his little fingers while doing it.
"It's amazing, Hales. He's amazing."
"I know", she says, smiling truthfully, "I love him so much, it's crazy. He can be impossible when he wants to, but truth is, I don't know how I lived so long without him. He's the most important thing in my life", her eyes start to tear up as she talks about her son, and she rolls her eyes, "Great, now you'll think I'm still a lunatic like I was before he was born", she laughs while wiping a few tears away.
"No", Brooke says quietly, while wiping the rest of the tears from her friend's face, "I think you're both amazing, Haley. You and Nathan. I'm sure Jamie's proud of you two"
"God, Brooke, you wanna make me cry even more?" they both laugh softly one more time and look down at the boy. "He's almost asleep. You wanna hold him?"
To her friend's nod, Haley carefully places her child on Brooke's awaiting arms. He seems to fit perfectly in them. He looks at her lazily, not wanting to give into sleep, but already doing so, as he's rocked back and forth by his godmother.
From the top of the stairs, Lucas watches the scene and remembers those couple of days, that seem now so long ago, when they thought Brooke might be pregnant. He remembers the hell they went through, and how relieved they were when it was over. They weren't ready, then. But he also thinks of the moments, long after that, when he actually caught himself thinking of what their kids would be like. And how wonderful it could be, when they were both ready for it. The sudden image of Peyton playing with little Jenny comes to his mind, and then there's confusion. Didn't she love the girl as if she was her own daughter? Didn't he want those things with Brooke? He couldn't point out the exact time when everything became so messy. When the moment presented itself, and he had to make a choice, and he chose Peyton. Again. He loved her, he knew that. But now, seeing that peaceful image downstairs, of Brooke with his nephew on her arms, and having all these memories coming back to him… why couldn't things be simply… clear?
I was your anger
And you were my fear
Now that it's over
Of course it's so clear
But you were no angel
And I was no sin
Somehow I can't let it go
I can't let it go
His phone rings, startling everyone in the room. Haley shushes him and he laughs.
"I don't think my cell phone will listen, Hales", he gives her a smirk and goes outside to pick it up. "Hey…"
"Luke… I'm really sorry I couldn't go, it was kind of last minute, and…" she seems nervous. He can't really tell, but he can feel it in her voice. Maybe not nervous, just… distant. He's been trying to deny it all summer, but since he came back from his visit, she doesn't seem the same. Maybe they haven't been the same. And, at each moment that he spends around Brooke, things become a little more obvious for him. He wonders if maybe, just maybe, Peyton saw that long before he did.
"It's ok… I won't say I wasn't disappointed when I didn't see you at the airport. Brooke stole your flowers, by the way", both of them laugh, which seems to break the small tension that'd been building.
"Of course she did", Peyton states, and Lucas can almost see her rolling her eyes. "I wish I could be there", she sighs, "I really miss you"
"I miss you, too, Peyton", the answer rolls out of his tongue, almost automatically. It's not that he doesn't miss her, but he's beginning to think part of him is actually happy she couldn't come now. He tries to brush those thoughts away, but her next question doesn't help much.
"Did Brooke get there ok? Everything good with the flight?"
"Yeah… yeah, a little delay, 15 minutes, but other than that, everything fine. Haley and Nathan miss you. In fact, Nathan requested that you get here to the house as soon as you get to Tree Hill. Of course, I told him I'd get to spend some time with my girl before that"
"Good boy", she smiles, he can tell. Every moment, every sentence seems to bring out a different emotion on him, conflicting, confusing emotions. So he chooses not to try and understand them. At least not now. God knows how much trouble that's caused in the past. They talk for a while, and when he goes back inside the house, he sees Haley climbing up the stairs, ready to tuck James in.
"Brooke went to bed already?" he asks, quietly, careful not to wake the boy up. Haley shakes her head and points to the door.
"She wanted to take a walk around town, said she missed it."
He nodded slowly, getting closer to his best friend and his nephew, kissing him softly on the forehead.
"I should go, then. See if Mom needs some help with Lilly. I'll see you guys tomorrow, right?"
This time, Haley nods and goes on her way to James' room as Lucas leaves the house. He looks at the basketball court behind Dan and Deb's house, now Haley, Nathan, Jamie and Deb's place, and decides that's exactly what he needs. It's always helped him clear things up. Basketball. It wouldn't disappoint him now.
When he gets to the Rivercourt, someone's already there. He gets closer and sees her fingers trail through their names written there. Seems a long time ago already, the chalk is a little faded, but the name she's looking at is easily visible to him: Chase.
"Missing someone?" he asks, getting closer and sitting beside her. She's startled at first, but soon smiles, happy with the company.
"Not really, just… thinking. I though I loved him, you know? Truth is… he deserved someone who could love him as much as he loved me. It wasn't fair", he sees a few tears trailing down her face, he reaches up his hand to wipe them away, but she does that herself before he even touches her. She sighs, and looks up at him, "It wasn't easy, also. But I guess it was for the best"
"Yeah", his face gets a little closer to hers, "Yeah, it probably was", he closes his eyes and their lips barely touch, everything in him craving, needing to have her closer, when she pulls away.
"Lucas…" her voice is shaky, "Lucas, what are you…"
"It's you, Brooke. It's amazing how clear everything is now. I came to the Rivercourt cause I needed… I don't know, I needed something. And here you are, here we are. It's always been you. I was ready to fight for you, but you never…"
"Stop it", more tears threaten to fall, but she holds them in, her lips still with a bit of his taste, of him, of everything she's been fighting so hard to forget. "How can you come and say that? You're with Peyton, remember? I could never do that to her. Or to myself. I won't be that girl, Lucas. I'll never be that girl."
With those words, she runs. He can only watch her go. He screwed up things really bad this time. He wasn't planning on doing this, he wanted to do things right this time, but it was stronger than him. His whole body, his whole heart, they craved to be near her, no waiting, no more lies or secrets. Just the two of them.
She runs. Runs away from the only guy she ever really loved. Runs from the perspective of more tears, more broken hearts, more pain for all of them. But, as she runs, she realizes she's got nowhere to go. Not anymore.
And at night, back to the house, she tries to fall asleep. She tries to erase everything from her mind and heart. But it won't go away, it never did, really. And maybe it never would. She cries, she begs those feelings to leave her once and for all.
And half the world is sleeping
While the other half dreams
You close your eyes
And then you're gone
And maybe my intentions
Have been misunderstood
I know you feel so beautifully wronged
Lucas goes back home. He knows it'd be worse if he'd run after her, even though everything inside him wanted to. Wanted to hold her, comfort her, and never let her go anymore. He opens the door quietly, his mom is already asleep. He looks at his baby sister, sleeping peacefully at first, but slowly beginning to stir, drifting in and out of sleep. She opens her little eyes and looks at him. It's amazing how much of Keith he can see on her. He takes her in his arms before she'd start crying and woke Karen up.
"What's the problem, princess? Can't sleep either, huh? But you have to, you're gonna go see Jamie tomorrow. Don't you wanna see him?" he tickles her lightly, which seems enough to make her laugh, and walks around the house, nursing her back to sleep. When she's asleep and tucked in, he finally manages to rest his eyes, too.
She definitely can't sleep. Not after the day she had. She carefully leaves her bedroom and goes to the kitchen, in hopes she'll find some milk to warm up, to maybe help her get some rest. But on her way there, she sees Nathan holding his son. She lingers for a while before entering the living room, just watching the two of them. She can't help thinking of what kind of father Lucas would be. A pretty good one, from what she's heard about the way he takes care of Lilly.
"We don't wanna wake mommy up, do we? Now be quiet and go back to sleep… we've all had a big day", when the boy doesn't seem to calm down, Nathan sighs, "You can play with aunt Brooke again tomorrow, you know? I promise, my boy. You like aunt Brooke, huh? And you're gonna meet aunt Peyton, too. You don't remember her, but she also loves you very much. I'm sure you'll love her, too."
She smiles, sadly. Should she tell Peyton? Does she even have the right to? After she reacted the way she did, after she broke up with Lucas and basically made him go after the blond? No… this had to be buried. It's the only way they can all be ok. There can be no more sneaking around, no more shame, from none of them. Lucas and Peyton are together. That's the way things are, and no good can come from trying to change it.
Finally, when the baby seems to be asleep, Brooke enters the room, careful not to wake him up, and waves at Nathan. He motions for her to wait, then goes to James' room, puts him in the crib and they both go to the kitchen.
"Couldn't sleep?" he asks, pouring them both some warm milk, as if guessing her thoughts. The girl shakes her head, closing her eyes, trying, with all her strength, to keep the previous events out of her mind. "Everything ok, Brooke? You seem… nervous"
"I'm just tired, you know, the plane and…" she stops, his face is still scrutinizing hers, "And yet I can't even seem to get some rest. But anyway… how's the boy?" she figures James' is a safe subject to talk about, there's no way Nathan would pass an opportunity to talk about his son.
"It's unbelievable! I was so scared of being a father… or not being what my dad was to me, what my dad never was to Lucas. But it's so easy, Brooke. All I have to do is look at him, and it's like I know exactly what to do, what he wants, what he needs. It's the most amazing feeling in the world."
"You know I'm proud of you, don't you?" she smiles, and he actually blushes a little, smiling back at her. "I mean it, Nathan, I'm proud of the person you've become. I don't think you'll ever have to worry about turning into your father. Ever", she reassures him. But, for some reason, she knows this fear will always be with him, in some level.
"Well, I can say the same thing about you, Brooke. We sure changed a lot, huh? Who knew, two years ago, that's where we'd be?"
"Yeah…" she sighs, "Who knew?" Something inside her hurts. A feeling that she's the only one left out of all this happiness that seems to entangle all her friends. She's happy for them, they all deserved this so much, especially Haley and Nathan, but she wishes, selfishly, that she could have a bit of that for herself.
Some days I can't believe
Others, I'm on my knees
Hoping I belong
"Brooke, we have to talk, please!"
"No, we don't, Lucas", she pulls away from him, from his grasp, quickly, before she loses the strength to fight it. "You've made your feelings perfectly clear, and I did the same. I don't feel the same as you, so you could just… let me go"
"I would, if I didn't think there's not one single word in that sentence that's true", he whispers as he realizes Haley, Nathan, Deb and Karen are coming closer with the kids. "I don't wanna hurt her, ok?"
She knows who's he referring to, and it enrages her to the point she almost slaps him right there, in front of everyone. "How dare you? I bet that's what you said when you were with her behind my back, too, huh? You have no right, Lucas. Not now, not when things are finally getting back on track…"
"I'm sorry, but it just feels like… feels like if I don't do this now, I'll never have the chance again. Like it's now or never."
"Then it's gonna have to be never", she looks at him sadly, and turns away, walking near the others, putting on the fake happy face she's mastered along the years. The one that could fool almost anyone. Almost. Cause she didn't fool him.
After a walk on the park, they're all sitting behind a tree, Lucas and Haley playing with the two babies. Karen and Deb giving Nathan some tips about changing diapers. The scene is actually funny, Nathan's look alone is worth it. She allows herself to laugh for a while. And then their eyes meet. No one seems to notice, but for the two of them, it's all there is. She looks at him and can only see hope in his eyes. But when he looks back at her, he sees pain. Maybe the pain is covering something else up, but he can't be sure. There's no way to know, once she builds those walls.
And laughter is my soul's release
But we're not smiling anymore
And can't we try to win this peace?
'Cause we're never gonna win
Never gonna win this war
She breaks eye contact and moves a little farther away. Finally, Brooke grabs her cell phone and dials the familiar number she called all summer long. Right after she broke up with Chase and needed to talk, when she was too drunk at a party and couldn't drive, when she was just in need of a friend. And her best friend was always there. She knew she couldn't help her, now, but sometimes Peyton seemed to know just what to do or say to make her feel better, no matter what the situation was. But she knew that, in fact, she needed to hear her best friend's voice, cause she needed the reminder, of why she wouldn't allow anything to happen with Lucas, at least not until she was sure they wouldn't hurt Peyton. After all, that's what Peyton had done this time, she knew they'd never be together if the blond knew Brooke still had feelings for Lucas. But she was so scared back then, and she didn't think it was fair to keep two people from being happy with each other while she took her time, and it could be a lot of time, to sort things out. She owed Peyton at least that much, too. But none of it mattered, cause it wouldn't happen. Nothing would happen.
"Brooke?" she breaths a sigh of relief as she hears Peyton's voice.
"Hey…" her voice is quiet, almost broken.
"Brooke, what happened?" Peyton's tone changes from cheerful to concerned. "Everything ok?"
"Yeah, just… I just miss you, P. Sawyer, that's all"
"You do realize we saw each other yesterday before you got on the plane, right?" Peyton lets out a little laugh, but Brooke knows she's just trying to cover up that she's actually worried.
"Peyton?" she asks, almost child-like, "Did you even imagine that… I don't know, that everyone would go on and be happy, and that it didn't really matter if we were here or not?"
"Honey, what are you talking about? You're kinda sounding like… me! And you never sound like me unless there's something really wrong. Did you see the bastard there? That's why you're like that? Cause if it is, just let me know and I'll beat the…"
"Peyton! You know Chase's not a bad guy. And no, I didn't even see him yet. It's just weird being back, that's all".
"It'll get better once I'm back"
"I hope so… and don't you dare staying there one second longer than you have to, ok? Your best friend still needs you here"
"I'll be back in a few days. Promise me you'll be ok till then"
"I'll try. Bye, Peyton"
"Take care, Brooke", with that, she hangs up. Everyone seems ready to go back, so she helps them gather their stuff. Lucas holds Lilly and gets in Karen's car. Seeing that, Brooke immediately grabs Jamie and goes to Nathan and Haley's car.
She doesn't talk much. Once they're home, Haley tries to get something out of her, without success. She goes outside the house one more time, sees the basketball court and a ball, probably Nathan's gift for his son already, even though the ball's bigger than the poor baby. She grabs it and shoots it, missing the basket by far. The simple action reminds her of cheerleading, of the Ravens, of the times things seemed simpler.
Then she hears a laugh. She looks behind her and there she is, actually laughing at her. She rolls her eyes and doesn't bother throwing the ball to him. She knows he'd make it without having to try too hard. Instead, she sits on a bench next to their private court, not attempting to move away when he joins her.
"You never gave me a chance, Brooke. After we broke up… you never even gave me a chance to get you back"
"She loves you. And I thought you loved her, too."
"I did. Back then. And when we got together now, I thought I did. I'd wanted to be with her for so long that, at that moment, I fooled myself into thinking those feelings were still there. But it took me the distance, and you coming back, to realize…"
"Don't even say it!"
"That I love you", he says, without hesitating, looking straight into her eyes. He sees something there. Behind the pain and the hesitance, he sees hope.
"Right… and if I chose to believe you, it wouldn't take long till you decided she was the one for you again. You don't even care, Lucas? That you're messing with people's feelings in this? That people get hurt?"
Her words get to him, they hit him hard. But what's worst for him is seeing her like this, and having to restrain himself, not to do anything, not to touch her, or caress her face, make this sadness go away once and for all.
"I'm not here to place blame, Brooke. I know what I feel, I've never known it so clearly. I promise you."
"I can't believe your promises anymore, Lucas. I'm sorry", she gets up, starting to walk away when he grabs her arm softly, forcing her to look back at him.
"You broke up with me, Brooke. And I never even knew why. What was it? What were you so afraid of?"
She swallows hard, not able to look him in the eyes this time. "I was afraid of loving too much". And, with that, she walks away. As she does, his eyes follow, quietly, and he feels a stillness in his heart, something he hasn't felt in a long time. He feels hope.
I was your anger
And you were my fear
Now that it's over
Of course it's so clear
But you were no angel
And I was no sin
Somehow I can't let it go
I can't let it go