SPLIT PRODUCTION

"I fail to see why my presence at this meeting in necessary. How am I supposed to train Eren if I'm spending all my time in these inane meetings? The kid's beginning to think this is all we do in the Survey Corps," Levi complained as he, Erwin, Hange and Eren walked into the conference room. "Besides, I don't need anyone to explain to me how the new gear works. I made the modifications myself, remember?"

"That is precisely why you do need to be here. You can explain things that the manufacturer may not be able to," Erwin explained.

"Pffft! Waste of a perfectly good training day," Levi insisted. "I hope you at least put Eren to good work over the last hour."

"He was explaining the Long Range Scouting Formation to me," Eren replied. "It was quite fascinating really. What did you and Section Commander Hange have to talk about anyway?"

"None of your business," Levi replied quickly.

People began filtering into the room, including Commander Nile Dok of the Military Police Brigade along with a few MPs, and Commander Dot Pixis of the Garrison along with a few of his soldiers. Section Commander Mike Zacharias of the Survey Corps came in, took a quick whiff of the air in the room, then looked at Zoe and Levi and pronounced, "You two have just had sex."

Zoe, who was just sitting down missed her chair entirely and sat hard on the floor and burst out laughing. Eren's eyes got wide as he looked at his captain in utter shock. "Goddammit, Sniffy! Just because oversized honk of yours knows something doesn't mean you need to tell the whole fucking world about it!" Levi snapped.

"Wait . . . you and Section Commander Hange . . . " Eren said quietly, still in shock.

"Oh for fuck's sake . . ." Levi pinched the bridge of his nose. "You know, at least I don't have to pay for someone to have sex with me."

Mike sat down. "Ouch."

"Levi!" Commander Erwin snapped.

Looks like that last comment hit a little too close to home. "My apologies," Levi said. "I sometimes forget that not everyone is lucky enough to have someone like Hange Zoe chasing around after them." Levi had intended that as an underhanded pot shot at the other men in the room.

"Awwwww~" Zoe cooed as she clambered up into her seat. "That was sooooo sweet~"

"Oh, to be young and full of vigor again," Pixis commented.

"Captain, you and . . . and Section Commander Hange?" Eren asked quietly again.

"Oh, for fucks sake . . ."

Levi was spared further embarrassment as the rather rotund aristocrat that was the head of the manufacturing of the 3DM Gear the military used finally walked into the room - fully ten minutes late. The man began to explain the modifications to the gear that was currently being issued to the entire military.

Eren slid a note in front of Levi. Did you really develop the modifications he's talking about up there? And are you really with Section Commander Hange?

Good handwriting for a 15 year old little shit, Levi thought as he wrote a quick note back. Yes, I really developed the modifications that fat idiot is talking about. And, yes, Zoe is the crazy lady I have sex with, so drop it already you shitty little brat! Levi shoved the note back in front of the restless teenager and hoped that he could just let his mind wander for the rest of the meeting.

Alas, such was not to be. The piece of chalk the man was using to write notes on the board at the head of the room kept rolling off the sill and onto the floor and the man kept bending over to pick it up. Kinda scary the things that will amuse me when I'm bored. How many times is he going to drop that piece of chalk? Just put it on the podium in front of you dipshit!

The man turned his back and bent to pick up the chalk for the umpteenth time that meeting. As he did so, a rip appeared in the back of his too tight trousers. Levi's eyes widened ever so slightly, and he immediately placed his hand over Eren's mouth to muffle the inevitable laugh. Eren placed both hands over Levi's hand to further muffle the sound, and noticed Zoe was covering her mouth across the table from him. Though everyone in the room saw the wardrobe malfunction, no one dared to say anything, as Levi released Eren's face from his grip. Eren kept his own hands firmly over his mouth as the man bent over yet again to pick up the chalk, the rip getting a little wider as he did so.

Doesn't this idiot believe in underpants?! Levi thought. Wait . . . Does he shave his ass? I know what kind of nightmares everyone in this room will be having tonight.

After nearly a dozen times of seeing the man bend over after the chalk and giving the now very distracted room a more graphic view than any of them wanted, Levi had had enough. He stood from his chair and spoke calmly with his usual deadpan expression on his face. "Forgive the interruption, but as you seem to have an aversion to the wearing of undergarments, perhaps you should refrain from bending over for the duration of this presentation."

Eren was certain that his eyes were going to pop out of his head from the pressure of holding in the hysterical laughter he so desperately wanted to release. How can Captain Levi say stuff like that with a straight face?! I'm dying here! And so is Section Commander Hange from the looks of it.

Everyone in the room held their breath as the aristocrat gradually realized what Levi was really saying. He felt the back of his trousers, his eyes widened and he let out a loud gasp. He quickly gathered up his papers, using them to attempt to cover his shame and ran from the room. As soon as the door slammed shut, Eren lost all control and burst out laughing, as did Hange. Levi leaned back and looked out the window as the man ran out of the building, into his carriage and rode away like hell itself were after him.

"I don't think he's coming back," Levi commented.

With that, the entire room roared laughing. Even Erwin Smith wasn't immune. When he finally calmed down, he wiped a tear from his eye and looked at Levi. "As the developer of these modifications, I'd like for you to finish the presentation."

Levi calmly stood and looked around the table. "Listen up, everyone, cuz I'm only gonna say this once . . ." He paused a moment for effect. "The new gear works in the field just like the old gear. The only difference is that it takes up less space and uses less gas. Meeting adjourned." With that he turned to leave the room. "Come on, Jaeger. We've got training to catch up on."

Erwin stood with his mouth hanging open as Levi left the room. The last thing everyone heard was Eren asking, "You and Section Commander Hange?"

"Drop it, Jeager!"

Pixis stood to leave. "I thought everyone knew about Hange and Levi."