I was listening to this on the radio today...and Mustang came to mind. So I just had to write it, you see? There's even entirely different lyrics!

Disclaimer: I don't own Fullmetal Alchemist, Naruto, or "Set Fire to the Rain".

Useless In the Rain: As Sung By Roy Mustang

"I snap fingers

And then a spark will set it all flamin'

I'm in love with my flames

Like Naruto loves all of his Ramen

The gloves fit fine

But I know I have a weakness

Still please, spare my pride

Don't point it out in the bleakness

But on that day with Scar, I was doing great, doing great!

Then the world said no, 'cause it's me it hates, me it hates

Scar stepped forward, lunged, that's when Hawkeye came, Hawkeye came

She said, 'You're useless in the rain!'

My men laughed as I cursed them away

And the clouds, they would rue

The times when they pissed on my flames, my flames

The Fullmetal brat

Never gives it a rest anymore

He says I'm not worth jack

As he makes that crocodile face

Like on that day with Lust, I was doing great, doing great!

But the world said no, 'cause it's me it hates, me it hates

Lust stepped forward, stabbed, and now Havoc's lame, Havoc's lame

She said, 'You're useless in the rain!'

Then she laughed as the drops hit my face

And those sprinklers would rue

The time when they pissed on my flames, my flames

She said, 'You're useless in the rain!'

Then she laughed as the drops hit my face

And those sprinklers would rue

The time when they pissed on my flames, my flames

Sometimes I feel that they're right

And I know that I'm a true fool

But why must they say I suck?

Come on, guys, now that's just plain cruel

They said, 'You're useless in the rain!'

They all laughed while I cursed them away

And the clouds, they would rue

All those times that they pissed on my flames, my flames

They said, 'You're useless in the rain!'

So I shot them and caused extreme pain

'Cause they all made me cry

And I knew that that was the last time, the last time

Oh, whoa

Burn, baby, burn!

Disco inferno!

Watch it burn..."

Roy Mustang finished singing his made-up lyrics into the pen and opened his eyes for the first time since beginning his tirade. Then, much to his horror, he was greeted by very distinct applause, in that one half of each clap thumped and the other seemed to clang.

Edward Elric was perched on his couch, barely containing his snickers. He held up a device - and Roy's horror transformed into absolute fury as he recognized it as a tape recorder. "Just came in to make a report, Colonel Useless. You planning on auditioning for Amestrian Idol with that number?"

Colonel Useless snapped his fingers, and Ed barely managed to duck, roll, and jump out the window in time to save himself. The Colonel made to follow, but then he came face to face with his true arch nemesis.

It was raining. "WHY?"

Ed just cackled some more as he sprinted off to share his plunder with his brother.

Who all remembers Ed's crocodile face from the episode with the trap for Scar? "YOU'RE USELESS!"

Nothing against anybody, of course. I actually like Mustang, it's just fun to get silly.

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