Spoilers for Metamorphosis. Dean surely has a lot on his mind now that he's seen the changes in Sam, especially Sam's dalliances with Ruby and his powers. Please review, I live for reviews. Thanks! (Thanks for the Beta, Salty!)
If I didn't know you, I would want to hunt you.
I don't think Sam knows how much it hurts to say that. I don't want to say it, but I don't know how else to get through to him. Because this is it. This is what I've been dreading since that day that Dad leaned over my bed to whisper in my ear. I can still feel his breath on my cheek. The hair on the back of my neck still stands up when I think about it. I won't forget his words, not ever. Not even apparently after I die.
I've started to think that maybe Dad didn't make his deal to save me, but he made it because he didn't have the balls to do what might need to be done. Did he know that Sam was gonna be one of the fucking Four Horsemen? Did he know that he wouldn't be able to kill Sam if it came down to that? All our lives, it feels like all he's seen is Sam. Even after Sam left, with all the things Dad and I did, all the hours we spent together, it always came back to Sam. Maybe it was a case of the squeaky wheel getting the oil, but that doesn't make it hurt any damn less. Sometimes I wonder if Dad ever saw me, really saw me, at all.
I don't understand this. After I was gone, Sam was supposed to go back to normal life. Go back to school. Find a girl, get married. Celebrate the status quo with 2.5 kids and a big lawn to mow. Why is he still here? He was supposed to leave this life behind, but instead he decided to dive deeper, to plumb new depths of danger, even though he knew what Dad had said. He was so worried about that, about Dad's warning, so why this? When did he stop caring about what he could become?
I thought this was over. I thought that after everything that happened, I had actually saved Sam. And now I'm back to square one? Dad said I'd have to kill Sam if I couldn't save him, and now some freak in a heavenly trench coat comes along saying the same thing, channeling Dad. I didn't think I'd ever have to bear this burden again.
I did what I was supposed to do. I protected Sam. So how did this all go so wrong? I just can't reconcile it. All my life it was, "Take care of Sammy. Watch after Sammy." That's what I did. I gave up my life to do that. But now it seems like in order to save him, I should have let him die. I brought him back and then everything turned to shit. Sam's going darkside under the spell of some damn demon bitch, and now heaven's hitman wants me to stop him? What the hell am I supposed to do? It's like I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't. Literally.
And then he tells me that he knew about the demon blood. A year. A year he knew and didn't breathe a word to me. He used to tell me everything. He told me when he lost his cherry, for Christ sake, but this? He keeps secret one of the biggest pieces of the mystery. Why? I thought I knew everything about Sam, knew him better than he knew himself. But now I have to wonder, what else is he hiding from me? This Sam, this stranger, isn't the brother that I knew.
Maybe it would have been better if I had just stayed below.