The Wooing of the giver of hats.

The house elves take drastic action by slipping lord Voldemort a love potion so that he falls in love with Hermione Granger, causing chaos as he tries to woo her! Courting her with a traditional wizarding proposal of marriage much to the confusion of the death eaters.

Prologue

Little is known of the social structure of house elves, for example very few wizards would have noticed that on the night of the full moon their handy little helpers would quite often be dressed in their best tea towels. This oversight can perhaps be forgiven for the night of the full moon tends to be fairly busy for the average witch and wizard with a fairly large number of spells and potions only possible at such a time due to the magical properties of the moon, of course not forgetting those individuals that are rendered incapacitated by the growth of excess hair and teeth, it is perfectly understandable that the dress of a house elf in relation to the orbiting of the moon is an observation few acknowledge, even fewer would connected it to the fact that on the night of the full moon when an elf is called it takes a few seconds longer to appear after all the full moon is very busy.

For you see it is on nights such as this where the moon is round and high when wizards are far too busy to be bothering with house elves, that they gather in large numbers in a grove of sycamores to talk, dance, air grievances and generally discuss the silliness of humans. It was on one of these nights that a matter of such importance was bought before the council of elders.

The matter at hand was the return of the dark Lord and how incredibly unhappy he had seemed to make their masters, Even those that supported him for they seemed unable to please him as a good servant should a highly shameful act to a house elf. So desperate were they to restore the honour of their masters for the shame they bought on themselves by the disappointment they had caused their master ( my master's master is my master) that thay had called upon the act of many hands, an extreme act indeed for many hands make light work something that should be avoided at all costs by any respectable elf, however the situation was desperate and they would all come together to think of a solution.

"What are we to do…. The master's master is dreadfully unsatisfied by my master's work" the elf Twiglet of the house is Nott called through the crowd around the elders.

"Mine as well", called the elf Wallop of the house of Doomberg.

"I call silence" the head elder elf responded, a fine old elf from the house of Thatcher much respected and in possession of all his fingernails a sign of all his good work (bad elves tend to lose their fingernails fairly quickly).

The group of 3000 elves fell silent at his his words, "I is knowing many of you are worried….. by stocks are masters isn't even punishing themselves when master is bad, masters master is doing it for them…. Such disgrace they bring upon their houses".

"I is not caring about that", an elf of the house of bones shrieked," he tries to hurt my mistress bones and I is not knowing how to help and serve her….. We must make this stop "

" but how is we doing this" called another from the crowd.

" I have a cunning plan" called out a small elf from the back, very strange else indeed with socks on his hands and feet and a tea cosy on his head, a disgrace to all that is house elf Dobby step forward to the elders.

" We must be making him happy" Dobby called out in the silence.

"And how would you be doing that" pursed the lips of the head elf.

"We'd help him get the bumpy bump….. Masters always happy after the bumpy bump, mistress give master the bumpy bump and then master happy." Dobby replied smugly.

"But masters master has no mistress to give him the bumpy bump" replied the elder elf in a serious tone.

" We give him elf potion to help him get mistress , so that she can give him the bumpy bump" Dobby retorted.

"And with the bumpy bump, he be having little masters and mistresses… So be too busy to hurt my mistress" clap the elf of the house of bones.

" Our Elvish love potion, be very strong only use on the most unhappy master and mistresses and never on ones that not been bonded, who would you have bond to the master of masters" the eldest elf thought out loud considering the matter.

" Are masters master is most happy with the mistress Lestrange" spoke the elf twiglet.

" He cannot be my mistress for she already has my master to do the bumpy bump" the crazed elf of the Lestrange house called from the corner.

" you is being right" there head elf hummed" my master's master is being the most frightening of all masters" the surrounding elfs nodded at this" so it be sense…. To make the scariest of masters want to do the bumpy bump with the most scariest of mistresses that make good sense, good match…. Mean lots of little masters and mistresses….. Make scary master busy….. And we'd all very happy when busy." The elf nodded in conclusion." Who is most scariest of the Miss"

all the elves of Hogwarts shouted loudly at the question none could be heard over the dim they were so loud in voicing their opinion until the head elf pointed at one to explain, " the giver of hats be the most scariest of witch's " the elf squeaked running its hands nervously over its tea towel looking around nervously as if she might just appear." She is most frightening, he tried to give us all hats…. We deadened go into the her house… The Miss be so frightening"

" who is this miss … You all so frightened of" nervously squeak the head elf never before had he seen so many elves frightened of one master.

" She the giver of hats, be Miss Hermione Granger"

" so be it …. Miss Hermione Granger will become the master Dark Lord's mistress… I shall go forth into the deepest of the woods to collect Oberon purple flower of deepest love which only Elf eyes may see and squeeze its due upon the sleeping eyes of my master's master, then bind subtle potion with elves Magic so he may dream of her and only her till his passion comes undone he will seek only to bring her to his side and bind her to him in deepest love… And then they'll be bumpy bump for scariest of masters" with those words the elf popped away to complete the most cunning of plans.

If any witches wizards had overheard the gathering of elves on that fateful full moon night they would not be forgiven if they fail to observe that house elves useful creatures that they are, evidently lack a clear understanding of the social dynamics of humans nearly as much so as humans do of elves…. And that by socks! They should keep well clear from matters of the bumpy bump.

Thank you for reading this is my first fanfiction so any encouragement will be deeply appreciated.