Hitler Takes Hades
By Nicholas Bobbitt
Chapter 1
Hades, AD 1945
It was just a matter of time. Adolf Hitler, one of the most hated men on Earth, had known what would happen to him after his death. He knew that he would be sent to Tartarus, the deepest pit in Hades, to dwell with those judged by Minos as the most evil men of the world. Hitler's abominable rule of Germany, which lasted from January of 1933 until his suicide in April of 1945, was responsible for the deaths of millions of civilians: Jews, political prisoners, criminals, homosexuals, gypsies, the mentally ill and others whom his regime deemed "inferior to the Master Race". I will admit, although the facts about what occurred during his lifetime are, for the most part, well known, the post-mortem exploits of Adolf Hitler were not known to mortals before this found its way into your hands.
I suppose an introduction is in order, so that you may know who I am and why I am speaking to you. I am Virgil, a guide of Dante in his "Divine Comedy" I was one of the first to see Adolf Hitler's arrival across the River Styx in Charon's ferry. Upon consulting with Charon, who talks to almost anyone who will listen, I was shocked to find that, despite having enough money to pave the streets of Hades with gold; this newest arrival had not paid to cross the Styx. Charon went on to say that he was mesmerized by Hitler's oratory skills. He spoke so passionately about his sufferings, Charon said, that he believed Hitler had earned his way into the domain of Hades. Hitler had won over the ferryman of the Styx!
Once Hitler arrived at Minos' court, there was no doubt as to where he would go. Hitler was one of the most feared and hated man of his era. Minos had no real choice but to send Hitler to Tartarus. This was a mistake, as we denizens of Hades' realm now know. I know not whether anyone of your day and age has read Dante's "Divine Comedy", but those who have may have seen an inconsistency in Minos' ruling. You may say to yourself: "Why did Minos say that Hitler was to go to Tartarus? I thought that there were only circles in Hell!" Let me tell you something secret, just between the two of us. THERE ARE NO CIRCLES OF HELL! Dante got this wrong, along with many other things which I cannot discuss in this single manuscript. There are only four places a soul can go down here. They are Elysium, the Asphodel Meadows, the Isles of the Blessed, and Tartarus
Since Hitler was now a resident of Tartarus, what most Christians in my day called "Hell", he was able to join an alliance of several like-minded men, men who were bent on destruction. From these ranks, he assembled an army of spirits he called his "Feuer Löschers" or "Fire Quenchers". This army's four generals, who were second in command to Adolf himself, were Vladimir Ilyich Lenin, Napoleon Bonaparte, Oliver Cromwell, and Frederick William II. The army raised by these five men included the likes of Al Capone, Jesse James, Vlad Dracula, and Attila the Hun, some of history's fiercest warriors. Their cause was benefited by the fact that the men could wish for any weapon they could imagine or remember wielding. Obviously, however, nuclear warheads were out of the question, but small scale, IED-style nuclear devices were easy enough to imagine being practical.
This "rogues gallery" of men must have had a very good reason for coming together, right? They weren't just practicing swinging swords and firing Thompson Sub-machine guns for fun. Obviously, they had a plan. This plan would, executed correctly, topple society as we know it. If their plan succeeded, there would be no telling of the consequences for the Underworld.
The only stroke of luck for the Lord of the Dead was the arrival of Joseph Stalin, eight years after Hitler arrived. This slowed the progress of the army to a crawl. Stalin was all for the idea of destroying Hades' throne, but he would only participate, he said, if he were given sole power of the army. The dispute took 20 years to settle, as both sides were non-negotiating parties. Finally, Hitler's Reichsmarschall, Hermann Göring, convinced him to call a meeting with his erstwhile friend and ally.
Adolf was reluctant to agree to this, although he eventually did. Stalin, too, was skeptical to the intentions behind this meeting. This is completely understandable, really, considering the fact that Hitler had betrayed him before, by signing the non-aggression pact with Stalin, then attacking Russia. For the greater good of their respective causes, however, they both signed on the dotted line.
Hitler did add one stipulation to Stalin's demands, however. Instead of giving him control of the whole army, Stalin was given a squad taking the best non- ranking personnel and given orders to train them to their fullest potential. He received the tactical advantage of having Sun Tzu, the man who wrote The Art of War. He also had the firepower of Pol Pot and Mao Zedong. He also made Vladimir Ilyich Lenin, his earthly predecessor, the general of his squad.
Stalin's smaller squad, which was named "кости дробилки", "Bone Crushers" was a two prong advantage for Hitler. It allowed Hitler to have added mobility in an assault on the palace of Hades, while still keeping enough men on Hitler's main force to create a good diversion. Also, an advantage that Hitler could not see, but that did apply, was that the force under Stalin's command was too small for him to mount a rebellion against Hitler's war machine. Therefore, despite Hitler and Stalin's historically intense hatred towards each other's nations and political views, there was not an uprising within the army to be seen. Not to say that there was not one that was not discovered later.