The best love affairs are those we never had.
-Norman Lindsay
I kiss her.
I stop the playful words, meant to keep distance between us, from leaving her mouth and pull her small, stiff body into my arms. Her lips part in surprise and I seize the opening, deepening the kiss. I am insistent. Everything has been leading to this moment, from the moment I met her until now in this alley. As soon as our lips meet, I know. Everything important exists within the body of this girl: my heart, my soul, my purpose for being.
She raises her hands to push me away but somehow, her fingers that were curled into fists grip the folds of my jacket and instead of pushing me away, she is holding me closer. When my fingers find their way into the golden mess of her hair, a gasp catches in her throat and I watch as her eyelashes fall in submission across her flushed cheeks.
The kiss is no longer a desperate press of my lips against her own in an effort to dam up her mischievous tirade. It is open and hungry, our fingers gripping and pulling, our tongues dancing, her body pushed hard against the brick wall, my body trapping hers from any attempt to escape.
The blood is hot and thick in my veins. This is what we needed all along, I think. Fighting this desire was futile. It is a fire that burns out of control and any attempt to put it out will only leave the two of us burned in the end.
So I let myself burn for her.
Seconds, hours, years, moments pass and I become aware that she is pushing against my chest, and that her lips are no longer responding to my fervent kiss. Her eyes are a deep blue, still molten with desire but confusion is painting her face red. God, she is beautiful.
The slap catches me off guard and I take a step back involuntarily. Her hands are clenched at her sides and her chest is heaving. Each labored breath hangs in the night air between us, a cloud that dissipates when she slaps me again.
"Usako…" I reach for her, but she shoves me away, hard enough to make me stumble into the opposite alley wall.
"Don't you dare call me that." Her voice is steel, but in the partial darkness I can see the glitter of tears brimming in her eyes. I don't reach for her again but my heart aches to hold her. I am the cause of that pain I hear hardening her voice, the cause of the wetness that now courses down her burning cheeks.
"How could you?" She whispers, wiping away the damning tears with angry swipes of her gloved fingers. "How could you do this to me?"
I want to tell her that I will do it again and again if it means she will give in to what is right between us. I will betray those I love if it means she will love me in return. I will rewrite the book of destiny, I will change our futures. I will forsake my princess, my friends; if in return, she will be mine.
She is crying openly now, the sobs welling up from somewhere deep within her. The sobs wrack her small frame and guilt digs its claws deep within me. I tentatively reach for her wrist and this time, there is no resistance. She crumbles into my arms, and I let her pain soak my shirt and bury itself in my heart.
"Usagi, I thought you knew that this is what I wanted…what I've always wanted." I find the words trickling through my teeth, a thin stream of truth seeping through a dam.
She shakes her head slowly against my chest, choking on sobs. "I don't understand why you did this to us. It was going to be okay and now…"
I wait for her to finish, my heart a slowly sinking lead balloon, my stomach in knots. She doesn't continue, but keeps crying, although the sobs are weakening and the tears are less forceful.
I am aware of snow falling when she steps away from me, her head bent. The fringe of her bangs hides her eyes, but her lips are trembling. The snow fall is a heavy blanket on the city. Streets are covered with deep, pillowed layers of it, and motorists are forced to park their cars and walk. The eerie quiet that accompanies snow only amplifies the sniffles of the girl before me.
The fur lined hood of her brown parka has fallen back, revealing passion-mussed hair that is dusted with snowflakes. Our breath mingles in the cold air between us, and I wait for what I know she must say. My dread has deadened my fingers and toes, or perhaps it is the cold night air.
She tilts her head back and stares into my eyes. She has such expressive eyes, and they always mirror her heart. My heart breaks at what her eyes are telling me, it twists and shatters and breaks. "I can't see you again, ever." She sobs, her small fist clutching the fabric of her parka over her heart, as if her heart is causing her physical pain. "I can never give you what you want. I can't love you because I have already given my love to another."
An invisible dagger rips through my flesh and buries itself in my heart. I want to throw up, I want to scream in pain and denial, I want to force her to take her words back, and I want to run until I have hit the end of this earth…
"I thought that these feelings would go away, that you were just a random snag in the cloth of my destiny but that kiss—"
My pain boils over and I push her against the brick wall, nearly knocking the breath from her, clutching her chin and forcing her to see my heart breaking in my gaze. "I am not a mistake, Usagi! I am in love with you! You, only you! I would change the pattern of destiny for us but all you can see is someone who walked away from you. Has he called? Has he written? Has he contacted you once since he left?" I am screaming, tears are hot on my cheeks and I can feel her trembling under my grip. Her eyes are wide with pain and frightened sobs escape her lips.
I am scaring her.
Shame is a tidal wave of epic proportions and I release her quickly, backing away with my hands raised in surrender. I have frightened her when I all want is for her to admit she loves me.
A chuckle that sounds more like a snarl startles her and she flinches away, a bruised, broken expression on her face. I shake my head, sick with myself. "I…I am sorry Usagi. I didn't mean to…I didn't mean to hurt you." I back away, the falling snow deadening the world around me and deadening me to everything. "I love you though." I will go. Leave this town, this country, this earth. My body and mind will leave but my life force will stay here in this place, tied forever to this girl.
She is watching me. Her face is a mask of pain and longing, not at all the face of the girl I love. Ah, I am the cause of much trouble. "Seiya, please don't go. I can't…I don't want to lose you."
I shake my head, anguish curling my lips into a pseudo smile. I want to vomit up my pain, I want to die. I want her to be happy. "You won't ever lose me. Not really." I tilt my head back and stare at the low hanging clouds, wishing that tonight, of all nights I could have the comfort of a clear night sky.
The pain I have caused her is unacceptable. I swallow down my emotions, and force myself to smile at her. It is a sad smile but a smile none the less. She is swaying, almost as if her body is willing her to move toward me. How I long to urge her forward, to urge her to leave behind her predestined life and be with me. It is tempting but I shake my head at her slowly and drive my usual mischievous grin onto my face. My tone is light and playful and I think of something I heard once, long ago…Something that will comfort Usagi, something sweet because she deserves it.
"Usagi." She is confused by the familiar tone and smile; such a difference from the man who was professing his love moments ago. "I will always be with you. Do you know why?"
She shakes her head slowly, still confused, tears still dampening her cheeks.
I force myself to continue, to forget about my own breaking heart in order to soothe her. Like I would with a child, I tell her a fairytale. And because she is Usagi, she will believe it.
"There is this place…" I am already struggling to keep my tone light but I forge on, kicking a snow drift as I back away, one step at a time. "There is this place, deep inside of you where I will always be. There, my fingertips will always rest, my kiss will linger and my voice will echo. It's the place where a part of me will forever be a part of you."
She is sobbing again, and she sinks slowly to her knees in the snow, her shoulders hunched. Her heart is broken but it will mend. Maybe the one who holds her love and loyalty will return to soothe her burns with a salve of kisses and tender embraces. Soon she will forget me, except perhaps on those rare occasions when she wonders what could have been. But she will be whole. She will love and be loved. That's just how she is.
I leave her there. Her sobs echo in my ears and her kiss burns my mouth like a brand. My heart is missing. There is a hole where there was once everything. I just didn't know that everything consisted of her, until she was gone.
I know, it is angst-ridden. I read that quote by Norman Lindsay and this was the first thing I thought of. Unrequited love is angst. I just had to get this out. I was thinking about adding to this, writing…I guess the best term would be "drabbles" (?) based around quotes. I have some already in mind but if anyone wants to read my take on a particular quote, just leave it in your review.