OK guys this is a p.w.p fluff humour fic I apologise to Wuffie ..eh.. Wufei in advance gomen ne koibito you know I love you ^_^ this was written during an hour train journey to make me laugh due to boredom but * gasp * it is my first proper finished fic!! Don't worry I will get back into angst mode and do shin as I'm anime deprived this week * sniff boohoo * well ja ne and enjoy Elspeth xxx
HORSE PLAY.
Lese had thought it was a simple enough idea, go horse ridding the guys had no missions and she had a day off plus Quatre had a big stable but when the gundams get together things are rarely simple!!
Lese was bouncing up and down with excitement in Quatre's stable yard as she waited for her horse to be led out. The other guys were milling around investigating the yard and doing their own thing.
Wufei wandered up to the manure pile and wrinkled his nose.
" Ugghhh! Maxwell this smells like that pokemon underwear of yours that you never wash, it smells vile!!"
Duo stopped munching on the carrots Quatre had brought for the horses and looked distressed.
" Hey that's lucky underwear wu-man ya don't wash lucky under wear! Dontcha know anything??!!" said the death scythe pilot showering carrot as he spoke.
Wufei sneered at the bouncy American
" I fail to see Maxwell how old sweat and dirt can possibly be considered lucky!! And didn't Quatre bring those carrots for the horses not for you to pig out on you pig!!"
Quatre looked at Duo and wailed
" Duo those were for Mr Tubby and the others!!"
Duo blushed and looked at his feet playing with the end of his braid.
" jeez I'm sorry Quatre but I was soooo hungry and lunch was at least half an hour ago I guess I kinda got the munchies"
Wufei snorted and smirked at the blushing boy.
" Under wear not so lucky now ne girly boy?" he taunted to which Duo just stuck his tongue out and threw his braid over his shoulder and smirked in return.
" That's where ya wrong ya gundam worshipping freak! I aint wearing any under wear!! I'm going commando just like He-chan does"
At this point Wufei clamped his hands over his ears and ran screaming to find a bathroom as blood spurted from his nose like a fountain.
" Aggghhh Maxwell you hentai!!"
Trowa looked over at Heero from talking to Quatre.
" You don't wear underwear?" the tall heavy arms pilot asked surprised. Heero shook his head and glared at Duo, Duo just shrugged it off and grinned in response.
" Nah he couldn't those shorts are so tight everyone's see his v.p.l"
" Damare baka!! Omae-o-korosu!!" growled Heero at his koi.
Lese sighed they'd been here for like ten minutes and already Fei had a nose bleed, Quatre was distressed, Trowa would never look at Heero the same way and Heero was contemplating killing her brother...AGAIN!! She pulled a book and pen out of her pocket and turned to the page marked " times Heero has threatened to kill duo" and added another tick bringing the total to 35...in one morning!! Slow morning for Duo she thought. Her brother had to be shinigami no one else could receive death threats from the perfect solider that many times and live except maybe Releena but everyone knew she was just hell spawn.
Finally the horses arrived and Lese quickly mounted her palomino (no dirty comments it's the term used to get on a horse you hentai creeps!!!) she turned to see how her bro was getting on, oh he'd got on all right back to front!!
" Duo turn around!! The only thing you're gonna see like that is the horses butt" said Lese exasperated
" It'll be like looking in the mirror then" sniggered Wufei; Lese scowled at the shelong pilot and grabbed the reigns of Duo's horse.
" Turn around Duo!!" she pleaded with her sibling. Duo pouted at his sis and folded his arms.
" Ahh Lese!! This way I can make goo goo eyes at he-chan" grinned the god of death while making kissy faces at the Japanese boy. Heero growled something like " omae-o-korosu baka!!"
Getting wound up Lese blew air up into her bangs and tried again after marking 36 in her book.
" Well if you sit the other way you can ride behind Heero and stare at his butt the whole way," she reasoned it worked; Duo was right way round and grinning like a Cheshire cat in no time.
" Onna " yelled Wufei looking frustrated.
" What is it Wuffie?" replied Celeste rubbing her temples, she was getting a migraine, a gundam induced one.
" How do you make it go?" he snapped gesturing at the horse " and it's Wufei!! Not Wuffie you make me sound like a damn dog!" he raged. Lese shook her head
" It's not a gundam Fei!! It doesn't work like Nataku; you don't just push a button to make it work!! You squeeze with your legs"
Wufei looked puzzled and shocked.
" You do what onna!?" he roared.
" Squeeze with your legs idiot" Lese tensed her thigh muscles to show him what she meant at which point Fei fell off his bay horse with another nose bleed and hit the ground with a loud thump. He shakily got to his feet while pinching his nose to stop the bleeding. He glared at Duo's female counter part while hanging onto the reigns for support; he was looking a bit pale.
" Are you trying to kill me onna? And remind me why the hell we are doing this" grumbled Wufei ignoring the pool of blood that was rapidly growing at his feet.
" Because it's fun wu-man and stop perving at my sister" taunted duo is his best disapproving voice positioning his horse behind Heero and wolf whistling as the Japanese boy bent over to tie his shoe, leaving Wufei to turn bright red.
" I have no need for fun Maxwell and I am not the least interested in your sister!!" yelled the Chinese boy. The other four pilots looked at Wufei like he'd gone nuts, Heero raised his eyes brows muttering
" Yeah right, and I'm Releena peacecraft !!" Trowa snorted while hiding a smile, Quatre chuckled while shaking his head. Duo just burst out laughing startling his horse and making it step right on Heero's foot who to his credit didn't scream but his mouth was forming words like "shimatta", "kuso " and "baka ne!!" Wufei's face went even redder " what are you all laughing at?? I don't like that stupid braided onna anymore than I like her brother" fumed the embarrassed Wuffie eh Wufei. Duo was now laughing so hard tears were streaming down his face.
" Sure you don't wu-man sure you don't" sniggered the braided American. Now both Wufei and Celeste were crimson Celeste decided to just ignore her baka brother and carry on trying to convince Wufei to get back in the saddle.
" Um we're doing this because um horses are mighty.. Um yes that's it horses are mighty" she lied trying to make her voice sound more convincing the second time. Wufei looked at her sceptically.
" They are?" Celeste nodded her head enthusiastically nearly taking her eye out with her braid.
" Oh yeah all great warriors have horses and can ride right Heero?"
" Hn" replied Heero cracking the broken bones in his foot back into place, eewwww!!
" See " said Lese grinning triumphantly at Wufei
" What do you mean see?!!" exploded her partner " all he said was hn!!" Lese shrugged and Duo grinned at Wufei's temper
" He's Heero yui!! Guy that can make HN mean a thousand things right he-chan?" beamed duo at his koi.
" Hn" replied Heero still nursing his injured foot.
" See! " duo grinned at the Chinese guy, Wufei looked ready to explode but let it go preferring to rant about the injustice of it all and complain to his horse how victimised he was.
Heero now able to walk was having trouble mounting his black Arab (again it means get on the horse you perverts!) every time he went to get on it reared up pawing the air and aimed kicks at the wing zeros pilot. Unfazed Heero stepped back and pulled the gun from his boot pointing it at the horse.
" Omae-o-korosu uma" he growled, the horse backed up but kept rearing.
" HEERO!! You can't treat it like that !! You have to be gentle," gasped a horrified Quatre, Heero ignored him and cocked the hammer back on the gun.
" Your choice horse live or die" the horse stood frozen allowing Heero to swing himself into the saddle while smirking at Quatre and the shocked pilots. Lese blinked in surprise.
" Um...OK." she said slowly " um that's um very good Heero can you ride it?" she asked still stunned. Heero squeezed with his legs but nothing happened.
" Looks like perfect yui isn't so perfect " scoffed Wufei, Heero gave the horse and Wufei his best death glare he leaned forward in the saddle and whispered in the horse's ear. The horse flattened it's ears in fear trembled and then began obey Heero's every command.
" What did you do to it Heero? I've never seen a horse trained that fast!" Asked the stunned Trowa trying to focus on the horse and rider round his hair, which was obscuring half his vision. Heero halted his horse next to Duo's swinging round to face the unibanged boy.
" I'm adaptable and fear is a useful tool" he replied emotionlessly. Quatre went pale and clung to Trowa.
" Wh.. What did you say to shet^an Heero?" The blonde stammered. Heero's face was like stone as he replied.
" I told it that I knew a place that needed glue and it could be it"
To this Quatre quickly passed out falling on his koi and nearly impaling himself on Trowa's hair, Duo edged his horse away from Heero while covering its ears and making soothing noises. Lese just looked amazed at Fei who shrugged and replied matter of factually.
" What do you expect from yui? He views the whole world as a potential target or opportunity to self destruct" Lese considered this.
" Oh yeah I forget he's a cold blooded emotionless git sometimes silly me! Hey Trowa can you ri...." she stopped dead as Trowa raced past doing handstands in the saddle. Quatre beamed with pride
" I guess that means he can ride huh?" the blonde grinned practically getting hearts round him as he watched Trowa, Wufei made gagging noises in the background which were silenced only by Celeste slapping his horses bum sending it off into the distance with a screaming Wuffie clinging on for dear life, smirking she turned back to the sandrock pilot.
" Coming Quatre?" she asked the Arabian boy who had his arms fastened round the neck of the fattest horse any of them had ever seen.
" Winner what the hell is that!!?" shrieked Wufei getting his horse back under control " it looks like a pig with a saddle" he snorted, Quatre looked stricken.
" It's Mr tubby !! He was my first ever horse" cried the distressed blonde boy burying his face in Mr tubbys mane.
" Mr tubby? It looks more like Mr blimpy!!" scoffed the Chinese boy Quatre's eyes began to well and he searched for help from Trowa who was now sitting right side up on his big chestnut horse. Trowa looked from his angelic koi to the barrel with legs he was holding onto and sighed.
" He is a little overweight Quatre" he said gently, Quatre began to cry hugging possesively onto Mr tubby who needed to girths to go round his middle he was so fat.
" He's cuddly," the blonde wailed
" Oh god winners going to cry break out the scuba gear" muttered Wufei receiving evil glances from the other pilots especially Trowa.
" Um what the heck do ya feed it Quatre buddy? That things obese" exclaimed duo staring at Heero's butt again earning him warning looks from yui as well as a slight smirk. Quatre sobbed covering the horse's ears.
" He's not obese and don't you dare call him that he's sensitive about his weight" sniffled Quatre stroking the wheezing lard bags nose.
" I'm surprised he can be sensitive to anything through all that blubber," Celeste whispered to Duo who started sniggering.
" Nah sis " he's not fat he's big boned!!" the pair then collapsed into fits of laughter
" It's Eric cartman of the horse world," giggled Celeste. Luckily Quatre couldn't here this.
" He only eats healthy food except for the odd sugar cube," continued Quatre oblivious to Duo and Celeste's hysterics at Mr tubbys expense.
" Odd one!? He looks like he had a whole sack" muttered Heero smacking Duo round the back of the head who was making kissy faces at him again.
" Hey don't hit him round the head he needs that last brain cell" grinned Lese at her brother.
" Hey what happened to family sticking together?" wailed Duo pouting at his braided sis. Lese just stuck her tongue out at him and shoved him off his horse. Heero swung round at the sound of his koibitos head smacking of concrete.
" Hey baka are you OK?" (It's Heero what were you expecting "my darling speak to me"? ^_^)
Duo looked up to see chibi Heero's running round his head, he gave Heero a lopsided dazed smile.
" Hey He-chan I'll be fine Duo the destroyer will ride again...but right now I need a nap" Duo then blacked out (^_^ get it? ride! horses he he *sigh* why do I bother?)
" I don't believe it!! I've tried to get Maxwell to shut up for years my thanx onna!" smirked Wufei on his bay horse. Lese swung her horse round and leaned forward in the saddle so Wufei was staring right at her cleavage, he started to go red and sweat a bit then she grinned at him and kicked him in the *censored*. Fei turned green, made whimpering noises and slid out of the saddle landing on the stable yard in the feetal position with another nosebleed.
" Don't be mean to Duo!! That's my job," snorted Lese patting her horse. While medics gave Fei blood transfusions for multiple blood lose Trowa and Quatre continued their discussion about Mr tubby.
" Quatre koi just how much sugar do you give him?" Trowa asked holding a sobbing Quatre
" Well I feel bad making him carry me around so I give him about 20 each time I ride him, he really loves them" Quatre choked out between sobs.
" Quatre!!" Lese yelled at the boy " are you trying to kill him?!! Ever heard of it's cruel to be kind? I'm surprised he's not dead already jeez no wonder he's lard on legs!!" she panted hoisting her unconscious brother upright before dumping him in the horse trough to try and bring him round.
" I.I COULD HAVE KILLED MR TUBBY?" Quatre stammered before bursting into tears again on Trowa's shoulder, Trowa glared at Lese before mouthing " well done " to the girl.
" Whatda I do?!" protested Lese while vigorously slapping duo round the face to revive him before giving up and dumping him back in the water where he promptly sank. Lese bit her lip looking worried
" Um he-chan ..Um I think I killed your koi, there's no bubbles" yelled Celeste poking her motionless brother
" He just needs mouth to mouth, I'll do it" offered Trowa leaving the blubbering Quatre still clinging to the walking sofa that was Mr tubby.
" Over my dead body" growled Heero running over to duo and picking him up shoving the taller pilot out of the way .he hugged duo to him possesively and gave Trowa the death glare tm while muttering in Japanese.
" Heero yui I am NOT your property buddy!! But it's so sweet you got jealous I knew ya cared" came a muffled voice from Heero's chest. Looking down he saw duo grinning at him while pushing wet hair out of his face. Heero's eyes narrowed as he pulled away from the American
" You were faking?" he said slowly, duo grinned shaking himself like a dog.
" Got ya! You admitted you care ha ha ha knew you did honey" cackled death boy blowing kisses at Heero
" Hn" replied Heero pushing duo backwards and walking away.
" Hey he-chan" wailed Duo thrashing his arms to keep his balance before falling in the water again.
Celeste looked over at Wufei who was still curled up on the ground and decided to check on him.
" Hey justice boy are you OK?" she asked poking him with her foot. Wufei's eyes went wide
" Aggghhh!!! Get away from me onna!! I may never be a father now thanks to you!!" he screamed scooting along the ground away from her. Lese rolled her eyes and put her hands on her hips.
" Well that's a blessing to the world imagine miniature wuffies what a
Nightmare!! Tiny little justice freaks ranting as far as the eye can see!" she shuddered for effect and offered her hand to help him get up; he eyed it nervously as if expecting it to bite. Lese blew air into her bangs exasperated.
" Jeez don't be such a baby Wuffie I thought you were a tough guy" Wufei glared at her before grabbing her hand roughly and standing up, just then Mr tubby broke wind. Wufei did not look impressed and covered his nose with his sleeve.
" Tell me onna how something that smells that bad could possibly be mighty," he muttered round his sleeve then seeing the look on the girls face he quickly covered her nether regions.
" Well Fei do you think you're mighty when you train?" she asked folding her arms and glaring. The ponytail stress pot preened and answered self-importantly.
" Of course the stronger I get the more mighty I become "
" Really?!" she replied " well when you train you sweat and stink the more you train the more you hum so being mighty stinks!!" she replied before chucking the reins at him while the other four pilots sniggered leaving Wufei to turn crimson.
" Injustice!!" he yelled, " Why does your damn sister pick on me all the time!! I can't even kill her because she's a woman!!" spat Wufei at duo.
" Ahhh but Wuffie you're her koi" laughed duo batting his eyes at Wufei while squeezing water out of his braid.
" Oh kiss me Wuffie!" he continued in fits of laughter puckering his lips at the bright red Chinese boy then something smacked him in the back of his head. It was an apple thrown by his sister.
" Shut up duo!!!!!" she yelled looking totally annoyed not to mention very embarrassed. Duo picked up the apple and smiled at his sister.
" Ah cool free food thanks sis but better give one to Fei babe before he thinks you don't love him no more"
" MAXWELL!!" roared Wufei chasing the braided idiot round the yard who was singing at the top of his voice.
" Lese and Wuffie sitting in a tree.."
" MAXWELL I'M GOING TO KILL YOU!!"
"K-i-s-s-i-n-g" to this Wufei drew his sword and started to swing it at duo.
" Eeeppp aghh help!" screamed the suicidal American
" Fei NO!!" yelled Lese as the sword went to decapitate her brother, everyone shut there eyes waiting for the thump of duo's head hitting concrete minus the body.... it didn't come, Quatre risked cracking his eye open. He saw a stunned wufei staring at his sword half embedded in the palm of Heero, Heero had caught the blade with his bare hand before it had gone through duo's neck, duo was starring at Heero with a mixed look of joy, wonder and immense squishiness. Heero pushed wufei up against the wall and glared at him, his nose millimetres from the Chinese boys.
" If you'd hurt so much as a hair on my koi's head you'd be dead" he said in a low steady voice ignoring the blood pouring down his arm.
" It's not his life it's yours I just saved," he growled pulling the blade out of his hand and throwing it at the astonished and ashen Wufei
" Um he-chan?" stuttered Duo
" Nani?!" snapped Heero binding his hand with lese's shirt. Duo held up his severed braid and his bottom lip began to quiver, his hair was now as short as Quatre's. Heero looked at the back of death boy's head where his braid used to hang and swung round eyes blazing at wufei.
" I. I..I feel so naked" snivelled the previously braided idiot on his sister's shoulder as she rubbed his back and made " there there " noises
" You!!" Heero roared before punching wufei and sending shelongs pilot sailing across the yard.
" Omae-o-korosu wufei chang!!" Heero roared. Times Heero has threatened to kill wufei in past week, 23 wrote Lese. Fei then kicked Heero in the head snapping it to one side but Heero just brought his head round and kept on coming.
" Ahh man!! He's in indestructible yui mode" grimaced duo patting the back of his head and whimpering. " We gotta stop them before they kill each other, this is gonna be so gory and I just ate lunch too!!" complained Duo. Quatre tried to separate the perfect solider and the justice freak and managed to get in between them.
" Come on guys we shouldn't be fighting each other," he pleaded.
Unfortunately he got between them just as Heero went to snap kick Fei in the head sending Quatre flying through the air like an angel. Thankfully the blonde had a soft landing; unfortunately it was on Mr tubby. The horse was knocked out cold.
" Mr tubby?" Quatre asked in a shocked voice shaking the obese equine making its flab ripple like a lava lamp. Oh dear Quatre was now *ahem* annoyed and went into psycho destroy everything Quatre mode and ran screaming at Heero and wufei.
" Agghhhh I'll kill you I'll kill you bwahhahahah!!" much to the two warriors surprise. Trowa sighed and wandered over to help his koi before he got himself killed. Sadly Quatre was not the world's greatest fighter, which was demonstrated by Heero standing there yawning as Quatre rained blows on the Japanese boys chest.
There were now four pilots scrapping in the yard.
" Jeez do you guys always end up fighting and trying to kill each other?" Lese asked her brother shaking her head bewildered. Duo thought about this as he chewed on the apple Lese had lobbed at his head earlier.
" Um...pretty much yeah. He-chan is a trained killer and wu-man was born holding a fricken sword and yelling justice. Those urges gotta go someplace. As for Trowa he always has to bail out Quatre who thinks it's his job to be peace maker" Duo saw the worried look on his sister face and put his arm round her.
" Hey don't sweat it sis, they either kill oz or each other but we rarely get beyond the g.b.h standards," he added cheerfully.
" Although there was that exploding sofa incident I think fei's still got shrapnel in his butt of that one" he mused then he noticed Lese had gone pale.
" Hey it'll all stop once he-chan passes out from blood loss Fei don't fight unconscious people there's no honour in it" Heero was already looking woozy
" Aren't ya gonna help him duo?" asked Lese noticing all the blood on the ground and down Heero's arm as he kneed Trowa in the stomach.
" Are you gonna help your koi?" retorted Duo looking at her, Lese went bright red.
" Fei is not my..." she saw the look on her now short haired brothers face that seemed to say " uh huh yeah right!!" and gave up
" Nah he'd kill me for that" Duo grinned and hugged her.
" Ahhh way to go sis you admitted it I'm so proud" sniffed duo still grinning like an idiot
" Get off me you baka!!" yelled Celeste pushing duo off her just as a falling Quatre knocked her down.
" Oh so sorry Lese " apologised Quatre before smacking Heero round the back of the head not that the Japanese boy noticed. Duo helped his sis up
" Ya OK Lese? Hey all this fighting is making me hungry I think Quatre has pie wanna get some and leave this lot to knock each other out?" Lese brightened
" Ooohh pie!! Coolness race ya!!" brother and sister then bounced off to decimate Quatre's kitchen singing " food glorius food" from "oliver" leaving the three fighting pilots behind along with an unconscious Mr tubby, a woozy Heero and 5 horses wondering what the heck they could have done in their horsy lives that deserved these idiots.
Heero then passed out stopping the fight dead.
" Oh dear we better get him home" said a distressed quatre.
" Well that was enjoyable, " said wufei getting out from underneath heero.
" Oh yes quite" nodded the blonde helping up the Chinese boy.
" Did I just see duo and celesete going off to EAT?!!"Asked a concerned trowa picking up heero and slinging him over his shoulder, wufei pulled a face
" Well there goes breakfast lunch and dinner for the next month those two eat like pigs it's an injustice!!" scoffed nataku's honey while wondering how to get multiple blood stains out of white fabric, maybe there is something to maxwells black wardrobe aftre all, less stains. Quatre shrugged and pulled out his mobile.
" Who's for pizza and blood transfusions?" he asked happily looking at wufei
" Better order 10 lese and duo will eat 8 between them, " said trowa as they walked back to quatre's
" I want anchovies!! Can't have a pizza without anchovies" added fei " besides those two gluttons don't like them so we'll actually get to eat something justice!!" he grined
" Ridding again tomorrow?" trowa asked his smiling koi
" Oh definately it's nice to do things all together like a family" quatre grinned.
" And I owe yui a rematch I bet I can ride better than him after all i'm mighty and so are horses I shall be the best in your face yui!!" ranted the justice freak
" Hn" replied the barely concious heero, then they walked of the gorge on pizza, remove bloodstains and plan tommows misadventure.
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* sweat drop* ok ok it's insane i know i was bored but it made ya laugh right? * hopeful look*
elspeth chang wytches cavern http://www.kjkemp.fsnet.co.uk