Behind That Wall
Disclaimer: I do not own Bioware or any of their characters, only Anne is my property. Be kind to this newbie writer... :D!
My history is Post Suicide Mission and Arrival DLC. Shenko fanfic.
"Shepard, I'm worried about you."
"Why, Doc? I'm not having any more visions; the reaper artifact didn't affect me much... I'm okay."
Chakwas was still holding her data-pad with a confused look on her face. "Yes, you might feel okay, I'm not seeing anything unusual in my reports, but I'm still concerned about your psychological state: you almost died down there and you had to ki—"
"Kill? Great! I'm a killer Doc, that's what I do: I kill people and destroy everything that's in my way. I don't need someone to remind me that I'm a monster." Shepard was still furious about her last encounter with Harbinger.
"I didn't want to say that Commander – what I wanted to say is that you can't keep blaming yourself for this, I'm worried." She put her data-pad down and now she was trying to find the eyes of her Commander.
Shepard didn't look at her, her only answer was that she wanted to be alone. Now with Chakwas out of the med bay, she had more time to clear her mind.
Commander Anne Shepard was the perfect example of efficiency on the battlefield: success at any cost; and because of that some called her the "Butcher of Torfan." She used to hate Batarians – she hunted them... and almost wiped them out. The survivors were forced to flee from Citadel space. Her past wasn't clean either: back on earth she was an orphan. Anne spent her young age living with other members of a gang. They were orphans just like her.
"Your past isn't so different to Jack's,'" she said. Jack's mom was fooled and forced to leave her daughter in the hands of those "doctors," Shepard's parents abandoned her, probably because she was different than the rest of the children. She born with biotic powers.
The doors of the med bay suddenly opened, She didn't turn up to see who it was but she yelled, "I said that I wanted to be alone".
"Shepard, I'm sorry, I didn't knew that you were here," said the quarian.
"Oh, sorry Tali, I'm not feeling okay, I wanted to rest for a while, maybe sleep... with no luck so far."
"Do you want to talk?" The young quarian noticed the mix of feelings in Shepard's voice.
"That would be nice, I think," she said while she was lying on one of the beds. The young quarian approached carefully, and sat down on another bed.
"I'm a disaster Tali. I'm surrounded of people that fully trust me and they shouldn't: I would let them to die if the success of a mission is in stake"
Tali didn't answer, she didn't know what to say...
"You don't need to say anything Tali, I just need someone that can hear me for a while. I can't hold my feelings any more," Shepard said. "I trust in all of you, believe me when I say this: if I could, I would give my life to save any of you, but I can't... I always end up leaving someone behind. I think in every person that I've abandoned, they're always in my head, Ash on Virmire, my squad on Torfan, I've lost so much, I think this time I was lucky, you all did your best and survived. I'm proud of everyone and especially of you, Tali."
"Thank you, Shepard, that means a lot to me, but... I don't think that you're a disaster. I think that what you do is necessary to protect and save others; life is about making sacrifices, losing things or people that you care about for the greater good. You're the kind of person that does the dirty work and I can imagine that this is not easy for you" she said.
"It's never easy. I died and I was forced to live again to keep doing terrible things – something in me should have changed, but I'm the same person that I was before: cruel and ruthless. I now have a second chance to do things right, but see what I've done, I wiped out an entire system to keep the reapers away, while I figure out a way to stop them. I can't stop thinking about those Batarians. They didn't deserve to die, and I tried to warn them but that damned woman... I should have been stronger. She used the reaper artifact on me and I fell. I should have warned or helped those Batarians to escape, but I couldn't do it, because I'm weak."
"You're not weak Shepard, you're the strongest person I've ever met. I have to confess that I was expecting you to be different. I was afraid that Cerberus could have done something to you and that maybe they were manipulating you with all of this, but now I see that I was wrong."
"You're not the only one that thought that… Maybe he still believes that I'm a servant of Cerberus, that I betrayed him. I'm a traitor to the Alliance and the Council, maybe to the entire galaxy... I can't change that," Shepard sighed, she was still hurt by the words Kaidan spoke back on Horizon. "I thought he knew me, I trusted on him... but now I'm just a traitor."
"I don't think that Commander Alenko wanted to hurt you with his words Shepard, he sent you that letter... maybe that means that he still cares about you." Tali knew about the letter, because Joker had told her.
"Uh, what? How do you know about that letter, Tali?" she asked, now sitting up in the bed looking at the quarian. 'Blasted helmet, I would like to see her face right now,' she thought.
"I... Uh, I... Joker... He told me. I'm sorry I didn't want to... I think I need to go; I'll talk to you later." The young quarian left the room so fast that Shepard couldn't say anything.
"I wonder how many messages he has read. What a pal... spying my messages – that's the new Joker?"
She put her t-shirt on to hide the bandages. "I really need to buy new clothes and throw away this uniform, after all...we are not working for that creepy fucker anymore," she said while she was arranging her long red hair.
She walked outside the med bay, feeling better and thinking on giving Dr. Chakwas an apology.