Game Show
Disclaimer – I do not own Fairy Tail
Summary: When Master Makarov hatches a plan…run away. Run away as fast as you can. This is strange and…just strange.
Game Show (Rated M)
"Master, you had better tell me what the hell is going on and you had better tell me now," Gray ground out, eyeing the lacrima cameraman warily from the stage. "What is all this?"
Makarov didn't have the nerve to look even remotely remorseful. Instead, he gave Gray a wide grin and led him around the set so that they could see the front of the stage. In big, flashing yellow and green letters was the phrase, "Do You Want to Date a Fairy?"
"Master," Gray started as he glared at the alarming letters before him, "I'm not asking you again. And that phrase is just…wrong." On so many levels, he thought to himself.
"Well, everyone knows Fairy Tail is popular and lots of people know things about its members, so Jason suggested a game show that involved dating members from our guild. He pitched the idea and it sounded pretty good, so I signed off on it. We picked you to start off with. "
"Signed off on it—WHEN DID THIS HAPPEN?"
"While Team Natsu was away on a mission," Makarov stated simply. "Luckily Erza wasn't there to stop me," he mumbled.
"…"
Makarov laughed nervously. "Uh, well, two people are selected per show and they're asked random questions about the potential date. If they get the answers right, they get points. And the winner gets the Grand Prize – a date with a fairy!"
"And where are these questions coming from?" Gray demanded heatedly. He didn't reveal that much about himself, did he? What could people possibly know about him?
Makarov took a hesitant step back. "Heh, about that—"
"I don't even know why the hell I'm here!" Gray and Makarov turned to see a very agitated dragon slayer arguing with Jason; it was natsu. He grabbed the man by the collar of his shirt and shook him. "Why am I here?"
"Natsu!" Makarov called out, trying to rescue Jason. The dragon slayer stopped what he was doing and looked over at him and Gray.
"Gramps?" started Natsu as he released the man's shirt. He marched over to them, hands clenched at his sides. "What the hell am I doing here? Some guys pulled up next to me and the next thing I knew, they threw me into a vehicle and brought me here! You know how I hate vehicles! What gives?!"
"I think I know," came a sing-song voice from behind him. Natsu turned around and immediately recoiled. It was Juvia. "You're here because I wanted you to be."
Natsu blinked at her a few times. "Huh?"
"This is a game show gives me a chance to be with Gray-sama. And it's a game I plan to win. And I got to select my opponent. You're it."
"Why me?!"
"Because if it's against you, I'm sure to win. Of course, I know everything there is to know about Gray-sama, but I can't risk facing off against another love rival, if you know what I mean. Things might get…out of hand."
"So you picked me?!"
"Yes! See you later!" said Juvia as she waltzed away.
Natsu's head whipped to the side. "Do I really have to do this?"
"Technically? Yes," said Makarov, looking somewhat disappointed that Natsu was Juvia's opponent. Apparently, his hope for a catfight on stage was out. And what did Natsu know about Gray, anyway? Maybe this show would be a flop.
"I don't like this," Gray mumbled. His heart was starting to beat faster and faster. What if someone said something embarrassing about him? He'd never hear the end of it! His reputation would be ruined! "I will not be made a fool!"
"Gray, we'll be starting in five minutes," said Jason. "Places, everyone! Gray, would you please head backstage with Master Makarov?"
Makarov grabbed the ice mage's arm and pulled him backstage while Natsu and Juvia were guided to their respective podiums. Natsu looked like he wanted the earth to swallow him whole. Juvia, on the other hand, beamed.
Once Jason appeared, the cameras were aimed at the contestants and the live game show began.
"Welcome, everyone! I am your host, Jason, and this is Do You Want to Date a Fairy? Cool, cool, cool! As you may have guessed, this show is about dating a member of the Fairy Tail Guild. I will ask our contestants questions about our lucky bachelor—Gray Fullbuster— and if they get the answers right, they gain points. The person who gains the most points will win the Grand Prize! Cool!"
Natu's head perked up. "Grand Prize? We win money for this?"
Jason ignored him and moved on. "To our left we have contestant number one, Juvia Lockser! She claims that she is Gray Fullbuster's number one fan and—"
"I don't claim it," cut in Juvia. "I am Gray-sama's number one fan."
"—and she clai-will be Gray Fullbuster's wife some day," he corrected after receiving a deadly glare. "To our right, we have her opponent, Natsu Dragneel, who—as the public records show—is Gray Fullbuster's number two enemy! The first, of course, being Lyon Vastia."
"Get on with it!" Juvia screeched. "I want to win and show Gray-sama that I am completely devoted to him!"
Jason chuckled nervously before clearing his throat. "All right, then. Contestants, please notice the buzzer on your podium. Once I ask a question, and you believe you know the answer, hit the buzzer. Whoever hits the buzzer first gets to answer the question first. If they answer correctly, they gain points. If they don't, that question is then passed onto the next contestant. If that contestant answers correctly, they get the points. If not, no one receives any points. Do you understand the rules of the game?"
Both contestants nodded.
"Then let's begin with our first question," said Jason. "Was Gray Fullbuster named after anyone?"
Juvia hit her buzzer first. "No!"
"That is correct," said Jason. Ten points appeared on Juvia's counter. "Next question. Does Gray Fullbuster have any children?"
"Gray-sama has children?!" Juvia screeched.
Natsu's hand hit the buzzer. "No, he doesn't!"
"You get the points," said Jason. "Next question. What color shoes does Gray Fullbuster wear?"
"Brown!" Juvia yelled when her hand hit the buzzer.
"I'm sorry. That is incorrect. Mr. Dragneel?"
"They're black," Natsu answered.
"No, they're not! They're brown!"
"He's got like one pair of boots! They're fricking black, you—"
"Next question! What color is Gray Fullbuster's apartment?"
"White! It's white!" Juvia yelled, repeatedly slamming her hand on the buzzer.
"Correct! Next question! Does Gray Fullbuster like his handwriting?"
Juvia's hand hit the buzzer. "Of course, he does! He's Gray-sama!"
"Wrong," cut in Natsu. "He hates his handwriting. He thinks it looks girly."
Jason blanched. "That's correct, minus the…girly part. I-I don't really know about that." He shot a hesitant look past the curtain back stage.
On the other side of it, Gray was on the verge of a mental breakdown. Sure, the questions weren't too bad, just Natsu was pushing it!
"Next question! If Gray Fullbuster was a crayon, what color would he be?"
"What kind of a question is that?" Natsu exclaimed.
Juvia's hand hit the buzzer. "He'd be every crayon, so I say a rainbow because he brings all the color into this world."
Natsu stared at her. "Whatever the heck you're on, give me some. It's the only way I'm gonna get through this."
"I'm afraid that's incorrect. Mr. Dragneel?"
"Uh…black because it matches his soul?"
"Correct," Jason exhaled looking downcast. These questions were just getting worse. Who the hell came up with these?
"Master," Gray hissed from backstage. "Did you give them my diary?"
"I have no idea what you're talking about, Gray," replied Makarov. "And guys don't keep diaries. They keep journals."
"Fine! Did you take my journal?" he spat.
"Um…maybe?"
NOOOOOOOOO! Gray's brain screamed. That meant his deepest, darkest secrets could be revealed on this very show!
"Next question," said Jason. "What is Gray Fullbuster's favorite lunchmeat?"
Juvia's hand hit the buzzer. "Gray-sama doesn't eat lunchmeat," she chortled.
Natsu rolled his eyes and hit the buzzer. "Bologna."
"Bologna?!" Juvia snapped. "Gray-sama does not and would never eat bologna. That's revolting!"
"I'm afraid he's correct, Miss Lockser."
Juvia shot Jason a glare so lethal, he felt himself rooted to the spot. "No," she started, a crazed look in her eyes. "No, no. My Gray-sama doesn't eat bologna! He doesn't!"
"O-kay. Uh, next question. What is Gray Fullbuster's favorite sound?"
Juvia hit the buzzer so hard, it started to crack. "The sound of my voice calling out to him."
"Wrong. Mr. Dragneel?"
Natsu rested his chin in his hands on the podium. "The sound of the ocean's waves."
"Corre—"
"No!" screamed Juvia. "You can't know more about Gray-sama than me! You just…can't! Okay. We're taking this to the next level! Bring it on, Mr. Host!"
"All right," Jason replied unsurely. He supposed it was time to pick up the pace. "Does Gray Fullbuster prefer summer or winter?"
"Winter!" shouted Juvia.
"Correct. Who does Gray Fullbuster miss the most?"
"His parents and Master Ur!" called out natsu.
"Correct. Does Gray Fullbuster untie his shoes when he takes them off?"
"No!" said Juvia.
"Correct. If Gray Fullbuster was another person, would he be friends with himself?"
Natsu's hand hit the buzzer without thinking, so he paused for a few seconds before answering. "Uh…no because he would just see himself as another rival?"
"Correct. Does Gray Fullbuster think he is strong?"
"Yes! Yes! Yes!" shouted Juvia.
"Are you answering questions or having an orgasm?"
"How dare you!"
"Uh, correct, so…next question. What is the first thing Gray Fullbuster notices about people?"
"Their hair," answered Natsu. Juvia absentmindedly began fiddling with hers.
"Correct. Does Gray Fullbuster prefer the color red or blue?"
"Blue!" said Juvia.
"Wrong. Mr. Dragneel?"
"It's red," he stated matter-of-factly. "The only other answer was in the question."
"Just deal with it. Correct. Does Gray Fullbuster prefer scary endings or happy endings?"
"Both," said Natsu.
"Correct. Does Gray Fullbuster prefer hugs or kisses?"
"Hugs because then he gets to cuddle!" exclaimed Juvia, seething over her podium.
Jason just stared at her. "Mr. Dragneel?"
"That's the same deal as the color one!"
"Just answer the question!"
"Kisses, then!"
"Correct. What is Gray Fullbuster's least favorite thing about himself?"
"His diet!" screamed Juvia.
"What?" echoed Natsu and Jason.
"His diet. He eats filthy things like…like bologna and all those other unhealthy things when he should be eating like me. I'm a vegan. And once I'm with him, he'll eat better. We can eat alfalfa sprouts and wheatgrass and flaxseed and chia seeds and raw nuts and organic beans and—"
"He's a human being, not a chicken!" interrupted Natsu.
"Do you have problems with my lifestyle?"
"No! Evergreen eats the same way and she isn't a nutcase like you!"
"FINAL QUESTION!" cut in Jason. He couldn't take this anymore. "Whoever gets this question right wins the game because I don't care! What is Gray Fullbuster's deepest, darkest secret?"
Gray blanched backstage. His fears were coming true!
"Which one?" Natsu asked immediately after the question.
"Huh?" replied Jason.
I have more than one?! Gray's mind screamed as he wracked his brain. How do these two know so much about me?!
Juvia's hand hit the buzzer. "Gray-sama writes homoerotic novels under the female pseudonym Genevieve Fletching!"
"How did she know?!" Gray gasped as he pulled on his hair.
Makarov's head whipped around. "That's true?!"
Juvia slammed her hands on the podium. "The novels are about the male protagonist George Fairfax and his adventurous sexual exploits with his fiery lover Nathan Davidson."
At this point, Gray was starting to freak out. He needed to shut her up! But how?!
He decided the old fashioned way would work, so he bolted for the stage. However, Gray's foot got caught in the curtain and he fell backward into a lever, which moved, causing an old trapdoor to pop open onstage. Juvia fell through it, screaming at the top of her lungs.
Back onstage, Jason and Natsu stared dumbly at the opening in the floor before the host cleared his throat. "Um…would you like to answer the question?"
"Answer the—she just fell through the damn floor!"
"Yes, well, once you answer the question, you win."
Natsu crossed his arms and thought, appeased by the concept of winning the Grand Prize for himself. "Well, he's got a stuffed teddy bear in his room named Peaches."
"P-Peaches?!" burst out Jason as his laughter consumed him. Tears started forming at the corners of his eyes. "Well, there w-we have it, e-everyone! Natsu Dragneel is the winner of Do You Want to Date a Fairy? And his Grand Prize will be a date with the man himself, Gray Fullbuster!"
"What?!" Natsu and Gray both roared. The ice mage finally made it onto the stage.
Lucy and Loke stared at the television screen as all hell broke loose on stage.
"What do you mean there's no *bleep* prize money?! Hey! Are ya *bleep* bleepin' me? You better not be *bleep* bleepin' me!" shouted Natsu from the lacrima screen.
"So," started Lucy, "Gray's has a teddy bear, huh? Loke?"
"Oh…my…NO!" Loke shouted, looking horrified.
"Huh? Loke, what's wrong?"
"I've been having sex with Gray!"
Lucy's eyes widened dramatically. "Wait, what?! But—you're with me—have you been cheating on me?!"
Loke realized how he must have come off and tried to clarify things quickly. "No! That's not what I mean! Just—the books—I—"
"Wait a minute! The books you get ideas from? For when we—you mean Gray wrote them?!" Lucy looked like she wanted to faint.
"That's what I mean! I've been having sex with Gray!"
They both sat in silence for a moment before Lucy spoke up again. "Technically, you haven't been having sex with gray. You've been having sex as Gray if we assume George Fairfax is Gray."
"That doesn't make it any better!"
"And that means I have been having sex with Gray. Which means you've been having sex with—"
"You don't think it's Natsu, do you?" Loke cut in. "Nathan Davidson. Look at the initials. And he's fiery. That means I've been having sex with Natsu!"
"But Gray and Natsu aren't together! Are they?" Lucy questioned.
"I don't think so," replied Loke, swallowing thickly. "Which means we've been living out Gray's sexual fantasies."
They were some pretty damn good fantasies in Lucy's opinion, but the thought was still slightly disturbing. "Do you think Natsu's put it together yet?"
"No," said Loke as he looked back at the lacrima screen. "He still seems upset that there's no prize money. But he'll find out sooner or later."
"Hopefully it's sooner rather than later," added Lucy as she watched Natsu lunge for Jason. Guards arrived just in time to pry him off.
"I'm gonna rip off your *bleep* head and shove it up your *bleep* *bleep* and kick you where the sun don't shine, you *bleep* piece of—"
Pssshhhhhhh!
"I was wondering when they'd cut it off," said Loke.
"Do you think Natsu's okay?" asked Lucy.
Loke shrugged. "We'll find out soon enough."
End
My mind made a strange baby.